Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

[MyNextSteps]

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

This is really bad advice, this is parentifying the daughter. No, the adult child does not have to take on the responsibility of the (offloaded) ND dad. He is functioning, he can manage himself, he will survive the uncoupling. Separate on a no fault basis.

Its the OP s marriage, she got into it without the influence of children, she can get out of it without scapegoating a child, her daughter does not have to be used as a uncoupling facilitator. OP can navigate this herself.

OP your marriage sounds so like my parents I'm very sad for you.

My DF is not diagnosed but I'm sure the same as your DH. At the same time as being a high functioning professional during his career he in many ways has the social ability of an 8 or 9 year old. I've seen him say incredibly inappropriate things in conversation and he has literally no concept of why they might be offensive.

He's also an egotistic, a misogynist and abusive. Although these have got a lot better over time. These are not due to his ND!

All I can say is, you really do not want to be still stuck in this marriage age 80 (my DPs age) as by that time you will really have no escape!

His reaction is exactly as I would expect from my DF. He is reacting like a 9 year old would if his mum walked out. Mild panic. Feed himself. Very little else. Hope against hope she comes back. (And probably constantly asking the kids to do things for him or explain where x is or how y works). This is all he's capable of. He cannot conceive of your feelings or what you might be thinking. He's just hoping you will come back and if you do, he will 100% assume that means everything's fine again and nothing else to worry about.

I feel for your DD. All of us kids begged our parents to divorce when we lived at home cos it was **ing miserable living with them. Throughout my life I get one or other of them coming to moan at me about the other one. Now I'm in my 40s i just say "are you getting a divorce then?" and I won't listen to any more moaning. They really do not like this! But why should they get to dump and offload all their problems onto me when they've had 40 years to take steps to get themselves out of this horrendous marriage? They're both functioning and solvent adults they need to sort this out themselves but instead they prefer to rehash the same crap over and over again. I'm NT but it IS both boring and horrendous.

My mum too was worried about the house, land, animals. She always states this as "why i couldn't leave" but from a child's perspective it can sounds like " my nice house and pets are more important to me than your happiness and safety" so just try and see it from her POV too. On the other hand I do get how hard it is to extract yourself from such a long marriage with so much shared and, yes, what do you do with all the animals? It's tough. But i think you know it's not going to get better from here. You could have a smaller but happier home. You could find somewhere to rent for the animals. It's not perfect but it will be peaceful. Your daughter might not want to hear you moan about your DH but she may be happy to help and support you with these practical things and to establish a new life. Have you asked her?

I feel for you because it seems like you sleep walked into something and now you're a bit stuck and you have obviously tried hard to "fix" things but you can't force the people around you to do/ think/ feel what you want them to, sadly. You can only control your own reactions.

If I can gently prompt you, you also sound like you have a little bit of victimhood "he's turned the kids against me/I did everything for them and now they hate me" . Yet you recognise you did shout at the kids and your relationship has been difficult for them to experience. A good first step would just be to acknowledge that to them. "Because I was having a hard time, I realise I sometimes passed that on to you and I regret that". This is a huge first step to improving your relationship and really means a lot (please don't add a "but" at the end, just ask for and listen to their response). And show them you are taking action to improve things for all of you.

Good luck OP, start planning your new, better life today!

DD will probably learn over time that her father is harder work than she realised.

I am not saying that the dd and rest of the children have to parent him but that the children, without MyNextSteps
there he will be expecting to.

And he will choose one to take the place of MyNextSteps bad cop

He is already at the stage where he doesn’t know what to do and needs someone to tell him the next steps.

I think MyNextSteps knows if she doesn’t warn her dc then history will repeat itself as their father will make out he is the victim, she is the nasty witch who divorced him and abandoned him. They will spend years trying to make him happy and look after him

The dc might in time realise that their father isn’t all they thought him to be and understand at some point why their mother left but by then I think the relationship between mother and children will be irrevocably beyond repair

I wonder how he will feel when his support system start to get engaged and married and he is no longer there as no 1

oh my god @canyouletthedogoutplease I've never heard of Cassandra syndrome, but it really resonates with me. I strongly believe my exh is on the spectrum (our ds is).

OP your situation sounds very similar to mine - my oldest dd too decided I was the wicked one, and her poor father is just a victim. The victim thing continues after divorce. I actually don't think it matters whether your H is autistic or not - you're in a toxic relationship which needs to end. I was the same and its one of my biggest regrets that I didn't end it sooner. I hate the damage it caused my children.

I still think OP that you are ascribing much more sinister motivations to your DH than the reality.

I think he sounds fairly low demand, which is common with the autistic people in my life. I also think that you are very unfair to make his health scare about how you feel. I think you should have followed his lead on that at least, rather than expecting a particular set of behaviours and emotions.

You have brought up 5 children with him and been with him many years, you now have 2 choices.

Low demand? I'm literally awake dealing with an autistic 16 year old I've never found any of my autistic children low demand they are very high demand emotionally and physically and I can honestly see living with someone who never takes responsibility always paints themselves as a victim and encourages everyone to pile on will be massively draining

As in demand avoidant. I also have to provide a lot of emotional support at bedtime to my autistic DC, due to the demands on them that they really struggle with (school mainly).

However, I, my adult DS, and it sounds like maybe OP's husband, have sufficient autonomy to have built a lifestyle that works.

This is so interesting @EuclidianGeometryFan

This also is similar to my parents who are in their 80s. A lot of what you say totally resonates with me too. Mending bridges with them in the way you suggest is a good idea too - with no buts or justifications .

I think that this post closes after 7 days do no-one can post, not sure as haven't posted before.

Anyway I just wanted to say a very big thank you to everyone who has commented, to those who have validated my experience and to those who have tried to enlighten me on possible ND thought processes that my husband might have at the moment, especially the interesting comments by @EuclidianGeometryFan . My awareness of the dynamics at play here is now much clearer and I have much more acceptance, no-one is really at fault but DH and I just see the world very differently.

I returned to our home very briefly this afternoon to collect some papers and clean clothes.

DH seemed very upset, he said he is enjoying the peace alone but also misses me. He said he knows he's been a professional victim and can see why I finally walked out. He recognises it's not fair to ask for a relationship with me if he can't offer the emotional and sexual intimacy that is a marriage.

He said that he's wasted much of his life as a victim doing what other people want and also not achieving anything in recent years, he's angry with himself about that. But i still doubt he will be able to change these dynamics. He's also not very interested in people's feelings or intimacy. If I went back he would just get comfortable with the status quo again. If I don't make the break now I will be stuck there with the "bare minimum" until I die.

I said if he can see he's been a victim, now would be a good time to change that and for him to think about what he wants in the next chapter of his life and start making his own decisions as I won't be his mum or be "bossing or controlling" him going forward. We didn't have a long discussion as it doesn't sink in.

Our DS who got caught in the victim-persecutor- rescuer triangle as the rescuer when this kicked off was there today, he refused to speak to me at all, probably very anxious that I was talking to DH. DH said DS feels guilty that he was involved in me finally leaving. Which is so upsetting as DS was manipulated into being the rescuer but now he has guilt that he caused his mum to leave for good.....hopefully things will improve once a new dynamic has been reached. I might write to DS and explain it's not his fault and we were stressed after the cancer scare and going to split anyway and he was caught up in it.

Thanks again to all for all the input and comments. I'm very grateful.

Good going, OP, you handled that interaction like a champ.

Well done OP you dealt with that really well.

You've done the right thing. What's sad and worrying is why you didn't realise before, when you were first dating. Why did you marry him. Your counsellor was right, remind yourself of that at every stage from now on.

No the thread doesn't ever close @MyNextSteps unless it reaches a 1000 posts then it maxes out, but until then it remains open. Hopefully you can come back and let us know how you are getting on, best wishes to you.

Next steps must involve acknowledging the ND diagnoses of DH and other family members within the family. It will help the kids understand their reality.

I also wonder if you would really have one give up your “dream” part time job if you split. Is that because you’d have to work full time? Is there any option to work FT there? Or is it because you’d want to leave the area? Seems like that would be a good thing to hold on to if you can.

This kind of question really irritates me.
I'd make an educated guess that the husband was not exhibiting this behaviour when they were dating.
Things change. People change ( or reveal their true selves) over time.

They were dating 30 years ago, there was less awareness of ND and they were younger, more naive and hadn't experienced life s challenges. They also probably trundled along like most of us and followed life s script of settle down, marry, have kids.

I think they had 5, that's a big distraction, for a Loooong time.

Thanks for the update. If your husband is a facts kind of person he will move to the next step eg a solicitor, putting house on market as I think he doesn't want to stay there etc. So I would take some advice from a solicitor about divorce options and even just separation legal issues. Good luck.

It works for him, at OP’s expense.

They were dating thirty years ago. Autism wasn’t as widely known as it is now. And it’s also very possible that OP’s husband wasn’t displaying any of the characteristics back then.

Update: As two of our sons were coming home last weekend, I agreed to return home for the weekend but separate bedrooms.

DH seemed delighted with this as he said he couldn't contemplate sex for a long time after "how you've treated me". Considering that we had sex twice in 2023 and once in 2024 it's hardly a big adjustment.

One DS has no idea what is going on between us, the other DS is the NT one who was involved when I walked out. NT-DS came home this weekend so other DS didn't have to be alone with us fighting but he's still not speaking to me as he says I'm "abusive" to his dad.

I cooked a nice roast dinner, DH didn't help. As it was nearly ready I asked DH to help dish up and carry food from the kitchen, he said ok. After a few minutes of juggling the dishes I realised he wasn't around. I walked quietly to see where he was, he was just zoning on his computer. I felt SO angry I'd only been home 24 hours and he was already taking me for granted that I'm his mum or staff who cooks his dinner and he never lifts a finger to help. He never learned to cook until a few things last year. Me or his mum fed him his whole life and he doesn't appreciate the thought and effort that goes into it.

I said, "why did you agree to help and then just walk away to zone ?". He would not own it or say sorry he said it was a "complicated miscommunication". Immediately NT DS was behind me to defend his dad. But he knew he'd gone too far last time and he stormed off to his room, wouldn't eat with us the food I'd prepared.

NT- DS has so much anger, and I think some of it as a NT boy is because he doesn't have a strong boundaried dad. He is just a rescuer in the triangle with DH as victim. He hangs with "dangerous " young men to get the strong NT dad energy he needs and DH just relates better to the ND sons.

We ate it in silence with other DS. He just said "please don't fight ".

It breaks my heart how this dynamic hurts our family but I just can't keep the peace by sucking up the shit from DH all the time. Time for us to split so the kids don't have to witness it anymore. Yes if it was a guest not helping dish up I would have let it go but this is nearly 30 years of DH taking me for granted.

2 days later DH cannot apologise or take ownership of his behaviour despite me insisting that I am hurt and upset. He says he's a victim of being shouted at. (DARVO). All he wants is no shouting and a quiet life.

In the end I said ok one of us will have to leave again and he said he will go. He drove off last night but he's only booked one night in a bedsit and now he's spent the day driving NT-DS back to university and has no plans for after that.

He doesn't have a plan, he just leaves for a bit until he is "allowed" to come back. He has no drive or focus or vision to do anything. He was ok when on the train tracks in a corporate job but can't drive himself.

At least while he is away I can see whether I could cope with running and living in this large place alone or whether it's too much as a single person.

I am truly at a loss of a way forward.

The way forward is divorce. 🤷
Contact a solicitor and get the ball rolling.