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What do you practically do if your adult child wants to live at home but cannot find a job

180 replies

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 20:33

This really; let's say you have an adult daughter who is mentally capable and is going into her 20s but does not know how to find a job. Let's say you don't mind her living with you, but does she need to apply for a benefit or ?

It is a question really.

OP posts:
JoanCollinsDiva · 15/01/2025 21:11

Could she do something like dog walking, babysitting etc just so she's doing something? Maybe look at options that don't involve working with others if that's the problem.

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 21:12

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 15/01/2025 21:09

The daughter wants to live at home. The mother would love to have her there. What exactly is the problem?

I suppose my friend needs to know how to teach independence because not enough money would be coming

OP posts:
Longtermuser · 15/01/2025 21:12

There must be a reason previous jobs haven't worked out. Maybe she's not good with people, being shy? I'd look into helping her with her confidence. There's lots of help out there for young people getting into work to help them prepare. I have a teen and get sent dozens of emails a week from the school with links to various organisations depending on the direction you want to go.
Not working wouldn't be an option in my house, even if studying tbh. I've worked since I was 13, went back to uni (p/t) at 40 as a single parent with a young child whilst working 30 hours a week and running a home. My expectations on the work front are pretty high and I've no intention of financially supporting an adult capable of working.

Soontobe60 · 15/01/2025 21:13

ExtraOnions · 15/01/2025 20:55

Yes, I cover them. Gym, Driving Lessons, phones etc.

shes “high functioning” ASD, she’s learning how to apply for jobs, by applying for jobs .. no success atm, but as I say to her “the more applications you do, the better you’ll become at it”

I’m not chucking her into to DWP misery

But you are infantilising her. She is missing out on NI credits by not claiming UC. She is being taught that someone else will step in and take responsibility for her whatever the cost.
By all means support her, but that support means a bit of tough love too.

Anonymus89 · 15/01/2025 21:14

You quote turbulence at work. The thing is, that parent won't be always be able to shield them. One day this 20yo will be 30,40 then what ? It is really hard, but keeping them at home on full board doesn't do them any favours. Bank of mum and dad will eventually dry out

Dymaxion · 15/01/2025 21:15

When I lived at home and was unemployed for a short period of time, my Mother would wake me up at the same time I would need to get up if working, with a list of jobs that needed doing around the house. So for example gardening, wash the inside of all the windows, laundry/ironing, build flat pack furniture, tidy out cupboards, general housework etc. Every day until I got a new job, there was a list !

RamblingEclectic · 15/01/2025 21:17

I've had this conversation with my adult child who struggled with job hunting due to disability.

I focused more on 'you will need to contribute to the house at an adult level' and 'as an adult, you're responsible for continung your development, and I am here to help with that.' We discussed and agreed what that would look like for him, and how his father and I could help him keep himself on track. While it would have been a struggle financially, taking a significant part of the home workload is also a means of contributing.

For job specifically, I gave a time limit for looking for career job hunting before it would need to be any job to continue to develop skills. I assisted with building CV and interview skills, recommended job fairs both to find work and they are often also supported by and have places that run programmes similar to what the Job Centre would do without being the Job Centre - training training programmes with guaranteed interviews, regularly support for working, and so on. There are loads of options out there, though they vary a lot by region, which is why local job fairs can help. Also, the local council may run an employment newsletter - where I am, there is a weekly one that discusses programmes like the above, employers that will be at the job centre, and more which we used and looked at together. Looking at temp agencies can also be helpful, particularly for those still working out their strengths and how they work best.

My son got an any job for 9-10 months working part-time while working on other stuff, and all that together led to him getting into a sponsored cadetship programme. He worked a few more months part time before the cadetship started, and it made things a lot easier to have his savings going into that programme even with the bursary.

At 20 she would have been shown how to do this at school, college, by a respectable adult in her life surely.

Like many things in education, some do this well, others fling websites or things like Unifrog at the kids and expect them to manage it themselves. I've seen CVs coming out of the schools and colleges that hit everything employers hate - big bold coloured borders 'to show personality', generic and often inaccurate skills ('great communication skills' means very little and I've seen kids with communication related disabilities put that on their CVs because 'the teacher told them too') that have nothing directly to do with the position. I think teenagers and young adults need a lot better support than many of them get.

Itsallgonesideways · 15/01/2025 21:17

Encourage her to sign up for a higher apprenticeship so she works towards a qualification, learn a skilled job whilst earning. This is the ideal solution for your dd's situation, she can do anything from accounts, to engineering, law & the usual trades.

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/england/higher-level-4-5

Higher apprenticeships (Level 4 and 5)

Find out about Level 4 apprenticeships in England, also known as higher apprenticeships. Get paid while you study the equivalent to a foundation degree.

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/england/higher-level-4-5

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 15/01/2025 21:18

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 21:12

I suppose my friend needs to know how to teach independence because not enough money would be coming

Well, it sounds like she’s got a history of not keeping a job so the first thing she needs to do is claim universal benefit and agree a good amount to be given to a mother for her bed and board. To insist she gets a job right now would be regressive because it wouldn’t last, why would it, nothing has changed. I’d look at local colleges and see what course would be suitable and getting ready for work course maybe volunteering a day or two.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/01/2025 21:18

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 20:48

No, I'm asking on behalf of someone who isn't very rich but loves the child being home. Turbulence in keeping a job.

Turbulence for what reason? Doesn’t like being told what to do? Can’t turn up on time? Turns up looking scruffy?

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/01/2025 21:22

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 20:48

No, I'm asking on behalf of someone who isn't very rich but loves the child being home. Turbulence in keeping a job.

So it's not that she doesn't know how to get a job, she can't keep one? Why is that?

My 21 year old is a student FT but has held down a PT job for 3 years now. He had a couple of others before then.

NotMeNoNo · 15/01/2025 21:22

My son has been looking for a job since finishing college 18 months ago. He's applied for dozens that he's qualified for, got some interviews but no success. We're a very studenty city so I think there is an oversupply of young people looking for entry level bar/shop/warehouse jobs. He's signed on for UC so also has support from them and pays some of his expenses from it.
It's fine to say they need to find work but what do you do if they can't? Literally push them out to sleep on the street? A nervous or neurodiverse young person is at a further disadvantage if they don't come across as strongly in interviews.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/01/2025 21:22

A few tips to keep a job:

Turn up on Time
Turn up every day
Be polite
Don't argue
Follow instructions
Smile
Try to be generally pleasing

Why can't she hold down a job @AsmallabodeIsallweWant? Has the family not taught basic life skills? Do the parents work? Are there any disabilities.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 15/01/2025 21:22

Google ‘the kings trust’

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 15/01/2025 21:23

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/01/2025 21:18

Turbulence for what reason? Doesn’t like being told what to do? Can’t turn up on time? Turns up looking scruffy?

I don't know precisely. I'm asking for someone , seems apprenticeship will be great

OP posts:
Itsallgonesideways · 15/01/2025 21:24

@AsmallabodeIsallweWant @ExtraOnions

Contact Ambitious About Autism because they have a specialist careers service to help neurodiverse job seekers. They also offer paid internships with a variety of different employers.

https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment

Employment

We help young people find work experience in a competitive business environment. Find out more.

https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/01/2025 21:24

HenDoNot · 15/01/2025 20:49

If I had a child in their 20's who was mentally capable but literally "does not know how to find a job" I'd probably feel like I'd gone wrong somewhere as a parent.

I really don't understand how anyone "does not know how to find a job".

Does she think she just has to sit at home and her phone will ring one day and it'll be someone offering her a job?

There are lots of kids who are intelligent but who have additional needs and wouldn't have a clue where to start/would be overwhelmed by this.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/01/2025 21:25

NotMeNoNo · 15/01/2025 21:22

My son has been looking for a job since finishing college 18 months ago. He's applied for dozens that he's qualified for, got some interviews but no success. We're a very studenty city so I think there is an oversupply of young people looking for entry level bar/shop/warehouse jobs. He's signed on for UC so also has support from them and pays some of his expenses from it.
It's fine to say they need to find work but what do you do if they can't? Literally push them out to sleep on the street? A nervous or neurodiverse young person is at a further disadvantage if they don't come across as strongly in interviews.

Could he volunteer? Could he develop an interest in cooking/wine/cleaning to give him him some USP's at hospitality interviews.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/01/2025 21:25

ExtraOnions · 15/01/2025 20:55

Yes, I cover them. Gym, Driving Lessons, phones etc.

shes “high functioning” ASD, she’s learning how to apply for jobs, by applying for jobs .. no success atm, but as I say to her “the more applications you do, the better you’ll become at it”

I’m not chucking her into to DWP misery

I don't know what you think DWP would do to her! Expect her to look for a job?

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/01/2025 21:26

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/01/2025 21:24

There are lots of kids who are intelligent but who have additional needs and wouldn't have a clue where to start/would be overwhelmed by this.

I'd have been working with them on this from earlier than 20 tbh.

GivingitToGod · 15/01/2025 21:27

Givemethreerings · 15/01/2025 20:37

I’d insist that she has to get a full time job. It’s a condition of living with you. Waitress, shop work, McDonalds. Anything.

If she doesn’t work from the start it becomes a slippery slope. And she may lose (or never find, if she doesn’t already have it) a work ethic that she needs to live in society.

This 💯 %

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/01/2025 21:27

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/01/2025 21:26

I'd have been working with them on this from earlier than 20 tbh.

Depending on their needs it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

Only 22% of autistic people are in employment of any kind.

Galdownunder · 15/01/2025 21:28

Surely the person either works or is in education? I don’t charge my DD rent or whatever she’s my child but if she wasn’t either working or at University I’d be deeply disappointed in her. That disappointment would be enough to motivate her.

SchoolNightWine · 15/01/2025 21:29

ExtraOnions · 15/01/2025 20:43

Mine doesn’t .. she’s 18, and will be 19 this year. Looking for an apprenticeship / job. She does have a few hours on a zero hours contract, and I pick up thr cost if anything else.

She won’t be applying for UC .. I don’t want some DWP worker pressuring her.

In the same boat with my DS, but I won't encourage him to apply for benefits as I don't want him to think it's the easier option. I can afford to 'keep' him though while encouraging/helping him get full time work, and know this is not the case for everyone.

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