DD won't tell me anything about what she's up to

[swingsaregreat]

DD25 lives with me and her younger brother (24). She has had an offer accepted on a house and is waiting for it to go through.

In the last couple of years, and especially recently, she has become very secretive about where she's going or what she's doing when she goes out. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. On Sundays she usually goes to church but this week she went to the earlier service at 9am and then was out all afternoon. She came home for a couple of hours, had a nap, then went out again in the evening. I didn't see her until Monday morning when she was working from home, but she was uncommunicative when I asked her what she'd been up to.

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything. She goes out a couple of evenings a week and I have no idea who she's with or what she's doing. AIBU?

I’m guessing she has a boyfriend. To be honest, she’s a grown woman and she will be moving out soon anyway. You don’t have an automatic right to know all her business. Perhaps the fact that you find it so hurtful tells you why she may not be open to sharing her private life with you.

She's 25. She doesn't have to tell you anything. Stop prying or when she moves out you won't hear off her at all

She's having a private life.

Sometimes you just don't want your mum knowing every last thing you're doing/have done. Even if you're not doing anything very interesting!

She's 25, she's an adult and she isn't obligated to share anything with you.

Yes, I'd find it hurtful, but equally accept that she's an adult.

She's a grown up, leave her to it.

When my mother moved in with us i found it intensely annoying when she would ask me where i was going every time i went out. I asked her to stop.

I'd done 25 years of not living with her and her not knowing where i was 24/7. Suddenly having her expecting to know was infuriating to me.

I imagine your DD is just finding her boundaries now. Dont pry and maybe she'll talk about her activities with you again. Or not. And that's her right.

She’s 25. It’s not easy living at your parents’ house as an adult (even though it’s very generous of you to have her). She is probably trying to feel like an adult as much as she can. If she were living in her own place you wouldn’t expect to know what she’s up to. So this is normal for a 25 year old and that’s what she wants.

Just leave her to it. The dynamic will change again once she lives independently.

It's very normal at 25 to want to go out without having to report back to your mum on where you're going and who you're seeing!

Don't take it personally. It's just part of growing up.

These responses are weird. It is not UR for an adult child living at home to communicate with her mother about her life. Basic manners are dead.

TBH at 25 I'd moved out so my DM had no idea of my day to day movements. And it was only the early days of mobile phones so she just got a phone call once a week.

The more you push, the more secretive she will be. Your DD is a grown woman who is about to buy a house, unfortunately for you she then won't have to tell you anything about her life unless she chooses to.

Does it matter why do you need to know.

I stopped telling my mum things in my 20s because I felt like she always had an opinion (judgement) about everything I did and she couldn't see I was an adult so if I wanted to have boyfriends or get pissed I could do so.

Does she actually want to go to church or does she go because you want her to?

Basic details like staying somewhere overnight ok, but not where she is every hour of the day, or who she's with!!

Daughter can still have manners - please and thank you and doing her fair share at home - without having to share all the details of her social life.

I suspect daughter is fed up of being quizzed every time she goes out.

I agree with you.

I moved out at 16 but I moved back home for a couple of years from around 20 and I can't imagine not saying "I'm off to Sarah's, I won't be home for dinner, bye mum!" or whatever.

Girlfriend? Or a boyfriend that she thinks you won’t approve of?

I agree

Hmm I’m torn. While I agree with the fact that she can do what she likes and isn’t obliged to tell you, I think, when you’re all living together, it’s normal to give basic info eg hey mom I’m going to a different service tomorrow then I’m off out for lunch. I’ll probably be back in the evening. See you later!

YABU

She’s an adult and doesn’t need to tell you anything.

It’s odd that you think she should.

Yes she is an adult and doesn't have to tell you where she is going or what she has been doing.

But you're living in the same house, surely a casual 'what have you been up to today?' conversation happens? Or a 'I'm off out this evening, might not be back till late, see you in the morning'.

How was your communication when she was a teenager? How long has this lack of communication been going on for?

I've DDs similar ages who pretty much tell me everything, but I don't expect them to. I do think she should tell you her basic movements as a courtesy, eg "I will be home late tonight" but if she wants to keep the details private then that is up to her.

They've moved in and out of the family home for various reasons and when they are not living at home we still speak a lot.

Can you take an interest in her new house and bond over that?

Living at home or not, it's none of her mother's business so long as she's not bringing people into the house or disturbing them late at night/early morning!

I think it's pretty basic courtesy to let whoever you live with know when you're coming and going, so they don't worry? I tell the rest of my household.

I clam up still when my mum asks me too many questions. And I’m 40! My daughter also does. She’s now 10 and slightly better but I used to get nothing out of her about school. And the more I asked the worse it got…. ‘What did you do today: nothing. Who did you play with: nobody. What did you have for lunch: nothing’. Now I just model the behaviour I want and greet them with a really boring work story and the best and worst thing about my lunch (cheese toastie again… this time with mustard).

unless you think there’s a chance she’s in an abusive relationship? Also are you judgemental / disapproving of some lifestyle choices?