DD won't tell me anything about what she's up to

[swingsaregreat]

DD25 lives with me and her younger brother (24). She has had an offer accepted on a house and is waiting for it to go through.

In the last couple of years, and especially recently, she has become very secretive about where she's going or what she's doing when she goes out. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. On Sundays she usually goes to church but this week she went to the earlier service at 9am and then was out all afternoon. She came home for a couple of hours, had a nap, then went out again in the evening. I didn't see her until Monday morning when she was working from home, but she was uncommunicative when I asked her what she'd been up to.

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything. She goes out a couple of evenings a week and I have no idea who she's with or what she's doing. AIBU?

I think the world is divided into two types of people - those who like to share everything and those who are more private. I find the 'sharers' are also the people who like to visit unannounced, but I digress.
It's very hard to be a private person who has a 'sharer' mother. My own mum wants to talk about feelings and shit and wants to know everything. I love her but it drives me batshit.
The more you push, the less she'll want to say - it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable to be constantly watched and questioned and id advise you to back off a bit and respect her personal space.
Thankfully I have a sister who is a sharer so this keeps my mum occupied!

I re-read the OP and the poster hasn't returned to clarify.

Basically there's been a change in behaviour over the last couple of years, which has escalated.

We don't know whether the DD has withdrawn due to the interference of the OP, or whether there's something else behind that change in her behaviour.

If any of my 20-somethings stopped being their normal voluble selves, and engaged in secretive behaviour, I'd be concerned too!

Yet again the pile-on against the OP has ensured that she hasn't come back. People jumping to conclusions that aren't necessarily correct!

At 33 I went to the supermarket when my mum was visiting. She called me because she was worried because I'd been over an hour. The shop is 15-20 minutes away. It's infuriating.

It's courteous to give a time frame of when you will be back (or what you are doing for time frame purposes) but literally just "I'll be back before dinner/late/tomorrow/next week" or "just nipping to the shop/gym/town/cinema"

If you don't back off ... you will lose her.
Seen this too many times.

You were the one who swore first. I was responding in kind. And whilst I don't hold a lot on MN deletions... it you who had their post deleted.

It's an assumption based on OP's post. If she plays up the emotional blackmail on how "hurt" she feels then it will put her daughter off and make her tell her less. And there's something about the way she says she doesn't respond which, to me, makes it feel like OP is very intrusive and wants to know details which her DD doesn't want to give. For whatever reason. She's an adult. If she wants to answer "oh I've just been out" then she can.

OP hasn't said she doesn't let her know she's out. She's said she doesn't give details. "I'm off out. I'll be back at 5" is courtesy, no further details required.

And "favour" of looking after your children, providing them a home in these unstable times?Gross.

To clarify some things - DD does tell me she's going out, and always says goodbye before she goes. But she doesn't tell me where she is going or what she's been up to. I feel like I don't know my own daughter anymore.

She is choosing to go to church. There is no pressure from me - my son chooses not to go.

I also think she has been having counselling, but each time I ask her if she has, she denies it.

Probably because you keep pushing.

Give her space. Stop pressuring her to give details.

My mum didn't have a clue where me and my siblings went from 18 onwards .
It doesn't matter that she lives with you . At 25 did you give your parents a day to day run down of activities?

Huge difference!! I used a swearword as a verb. You swore directly at me. Maybe your post should have been deleted?

You know absolutely nothing about me but I certainly did not expect to be financially responsible for adults in their mid/late 20s! As for calling me "gross", yet another insult, DH and I fully fund one over a year's course in Europe, and the other has lived expense free for nearly 3 years while saving for a house deposit. It is a "favour" whether or not you feel the need to insult me over it.

For the record, I have not had any post on this thread deleted.

I think it's best if we do not address each other further.

One of mine had counselling while living away from home at uni. The pressure of work got to her. I didn't know. It was very unusual that she didn't tell me because all three of my children are very open with me. I only found out after the event.

If she is having counselling, then it's good that she has sought out help for whatever is troubling her.

Stop asking her though. She's liable to clam up. I know if my mother had kept questioning me on things, I'd have got my back up. She never did ask once we were away from home. I told her whatever I was content for her to know. That did change as I got older, matured and had children.

Just let her know you are always there if she needs you. Could you try to spend some time with her, just the two of you, before she moves out?

Could you help her with her new house? My eldest is about to move into hers and we are eagerly planning! The decisions are of course hers but she invites my input. If you could find something to bond over, maybe she would be able to confide in you.

Do you question her a lot though, or do you tend to accept her guardedness for the most part?

Does she have friends, or maybe people at church, that she might be able to confide in if she needed to?

Give her the space she needs and chances are, she will come back to you.

Nailed it.

Cut the apron strings OP, jeez.

Don't you think that that is more difficult to do when the YP still lives at home?

There comes an age really where they are too old.

If she doesn’t tell you things about herself you need to think why.
There is a good chance as someone mentioned that you are too judgmental in your responses, even if it’s not direct. There is a good chance that she is doing something you might disapprove so she doesn’t want to upset you.
It could be various reasons. There are a lot of good responses on this thread hope they will help.

She's 25. I hope that my dd still shared stuff at 25 but not convinced she wil

This. When I was that age and still living at home my mum was always calling me secretive, it was an exaggeration but the reason I didn't tell her much was that the more I told her, the more she'd find to criticise. I was living the same sort of life outside the house as most women my age, nothing iffy whatsoever, but she'd just pick at so much of what I told her (particularly where my social life and love life were concerned), it was easier not to tell her much. She was just too critical to be an easy confidante, and it's a shame because she cut off her nose to spite her face.

Op ultimately it’s up to you what you post here but your two limited posts days apart, aren’t giving enough information for people to really understand what’s going on. What changed a few years ago when this started? Why do you think she’s had counselling? Have you tried talking to her about the change? What’s your relationship like in general? Has she accused you of being judgemental or interfering before? Are you likely to have feelings about other lifestyles that she worries would be negative?

Difficult to help without info and easy to fill the void with inaccurate assumptions

I thought the same.

She’s obviously ready to live in her own place so it's great that she’s moving forward with that.

Many (most?) adults are ready to live their own lives away from their parents at 25. Some are unable to due to finances, but they still want to do their own thing without their parents’ input!