DD won't tell me anything about what she's up to

[swingsaregreat]

DD25 lives with me and her younger brother (24). She has had an offer accepted on a house and is waiting for it to go through.

In the last couple of years, and especially recently, she has become very secretive about where she's going or what she's doing when she goes out. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. On Sundays she usually goes to church but this week she went to the earlier service at 9am and then was out all afternoon. She came home for a couple of hours, had a nap, then went out again in the evening. I didn't see her until Monday morning when she was working from home, but she was uncommunicative when I asked her what she'd been up to.

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything. She goes out a couple of evenings a week and I have no idea who she's with or what she's doing. AIBU?

Her mother knows she's out.

She doesn't need to know where or who etc

I don't need to know that either but I like to know when to expect them home etc.

But that's not what OP is on about
She wants details

The sooner she moves into her own house and can live her own life the better for everyone.

Stop pushing the issue, she will just withdraw further.

My DD moved away for university. She has come back home for a bit and absolutely hates me asking her anything.

She had a difficult time for half a year with MH. I had to collect her from uni at one point as she was unable to look after herself. It was a scary time and I worried so much about her when she went back to uni.

So when she came home this time I know I was hovering too much, and it made her feel weak and like a child, like I didn't think she was a capable adult.

So I just let her come and go and don't question her. Every few days she comes to me and we have a catch up. She chats and fills me in on everything in her own time.

Op your daughter probably feels like she's not a child anymore and realises she doesn't have to tell you anything.

I certainly don't tell my mum the ins and outs of my life, do you?

Stop asking her so much and let her come to you if and when she's ready.

It sounds like she could be seeing someone and if it's early days she probably wants to keep it private for now. She's 25 and doesn't have to tell you where she's going but it's polite if you share a house to let you know if she's staying out overnight. I have adult children at home and they would tell me if they're staying out, as I would tell them. Give your daughter some space and just keep your chats general.

I was sharing my experience, which is that there is a basic level of communication going both ways, which is what the thread is about. The OP is unreasonable as her DD is 25 to demand more!

Both of mine tell me a lot about their lives, as I did with my late mum.

It only takes a pleasantry like, "how was work today?" and they can tell you as much or as little as they like!

It's hard when they move away and then move back - mine have done it a few times. Not sure if that's the case here but there's a lot of adjusting on both sides.

Yeah sorry, welcome to having an adult child. Once she moves out you'll know even less. From about 21 my mam had absolutely no idea where I was going, who with and what I was doing of an evening. Because I was becoming an adult and spreading my wings and enjoying having a private life.

I get that you're used to knowing every nuance of your child's life and it's hard that she's not interested in sharing things with you anymore, but that has to end eventually, she has a right to a personal life and you don't have a right to know the details of that anymore. She's not a child, she's a grown woman, you have to let go a bit.

If it's any consolation they often come back after a few years and share things again, once they've gained and lived that independence a bit. My mam and I catch up for a coffee and a chat about what we've been up to once a week or so now, but when I was your daughter's age I guarded my personal life like they were national secrets.

I stopped telling my mum things about my life in my 20s because I knew she would end up telling the rest of the family. I asked her to stop, she didn’t, so now she doesn’t get to told anything.

I reckon it’s either she’s in the early stages of a relationship, like others have suggested. Or maybe she’s not up to anything particularly interesting and doesn’t think there’s anything to tell.

I do find it a bit strange that an adult goes out without any word to the other adults about where she is going/what sort of time she'll be back. I wouldn't just walk out of the house and not tell anyone where I was going or refuse to tell them when I got back, very odd behaviour.

Yes we exchange pleasantries amd I have no expectations as to how much my dd will tell me at that time.
She had an offer fall through at the last minute which meant she has to leave the city she loved and come back home unexpectedly, so yes a lot of adjusting and acceptance of her situation right now.

As Lots of others have said, it is not unreasonable for a 25 year old to want to go about her life without sharing every detail. However, I can understand how it must be difficult as a mum to adjust to your child having their own life despite still living with you.

I’ve shared my experience of learning to let go (spoiler- it’s hard!) here:

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything

This way of thinking is the issue. You're being overly sensitive and making this all about you. My mum can be like this and I find it exhausting. Your daughter has probably got a boyfriend or is going on dates and doesn't want to share the ins and outs with the family. If you were dating would you want to give a running commentary to your parents? Let her have a private life.

Instead of asking where she's going why not express the hope that she has a nice time? The more you quiz her the more she will try to protect her privacy.

I've got my 23 yo back home after graduating and 4 years of uni. He is looking for his proper job at the moment, so currently working part time in a pub.
All we ask him to tell us is which shifts he is working, whether he'll be in for dinner (for shopping reasons) and if he isn't coming home (so we can lock the house properly).

If he is going out he'll either say he is just popping out (so a quick trip), or otherwise when he'll be back for longer outings.
We'll just tell him to have fun, which sometimes leads to him telling us more info as to where he's going, who he's meeting etc, but I don't feel any right to know any of this. He is an adult!

It’s useful to read this thread as mine are similar ages.

i guess they are trying to separate from us and it’s a blunt tool. A regular housemate might say ‘I’m off to shops etc’ but they aren’t regular are they? They are trying to forge their independence from us.

This.

there are ways of communicating. I would often say “going anywhere nice/interesting?” or ask if she’d be back for dinner.

i don’t need who where how long, is it a new boyfriend, ooh are you going shopping, give me a second i’ll come…

i get told when she’ll be in late or staying out, basic manners, but the detail is up to her to share.

I didn't tell my mum everything I was doing at 25 either, I don't see why you feel your entitled to know everything she's doing she's an adult and is allowed privacy in her life, if she wants to share things with you then she will and you may not realise but if you're bombarding her with questions all the time she will clam up and not want to talk to you, I discovered this with my 16 year old daughter so I now just let her come to me instead

All these people saying she doesn't have to tell you, blah blah blah!
No she doesn't, but living with your mum and your mum being your mum, y'know how trivial being a mum is 🤦‍♀️- wise up!

Of course most daughters share their lives and comings and goings with their mum. Especially if they live under the same roof.

So in my opinion- either you betrayed her trust, she's been asked not to tell you, she knows you will be disappointed. Or she's just not bothered in sharing her life movements.

Sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't like it, my daughter and I have a good relationship.

How would you know where to start looking if she went missing??

Mummy needs to cut the apron strings, she is an adult with her own life now

Is she being secretive and you feel you have reason to worry or is she just being private and you feel excluded? I have an adult child living at home and he does tell me. I would be pretty upset if they went out with no word of where they are going and when they might be back as I would worry but I don't expect the ins and outs of where they are going and who with. I'm going out - won't be late /it will be a late one/ going to work from X just so I have broad idea.

How would you know where to start looking if she went missing??

If she didn't live with you then you wouldn't even know she was missing...

Why should you know what your daughter is 'up to' in the evenings when your daughter is 25 years old?

It's absolutely none of your business. She's an adult with a private life. You won't know what she's 'up to' every evening when she moves out, so why would you need to know now just because she happens to live with you? You're entitled to know her every move.

Why do you want to know, anyway? What difference does it make to you whether she's going for a drink with a friend or going on a date or just going to the cinema on her own? Why do you feel like you need to know that information?