DD won't tell me anything about what she's up to

[swingsaregreat]

DD25 lives with me and her younger brother (24). She has had an offer accepted on a house and is waiting for it to go through.

In the last couple of years, and especially recently, she has become very secretive about where she's going or what she's doing when she goes out. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. On Sundays she usually goes to church but this week she went to the earlier service at 9am and then was out all afternoon. She came home for a couple of hours, had a nap, then went out again in the evening. I didn't see her until Monday morning when she was working from home, but she was uncommunicative when I asked her what she'd been up to.

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything. She goes out a couple of evenings a week and I have no idea who she's with or what she's doing. AIBU?

My adult children all boomerang home after Uni for different reasons and they all gave me an idea about what their plans were if off out for the evening . To me it was common courtesy.

Don't be silly she's 25

OP you sound like you expect her to tell you everything, that's not realistic. She's an adult, you need to respect her privacy.

I tend to think that if a 25 year old wants privacy - which is perfectly reasonable - they shouldn’t live with their parents anymore. Living with your parents as an adult means that it’s natural that your parents will want to make conversation about what you’re up to, and expect you to say basic information about your whereabouts for planning meals and what have you. I don’t really think you can or should treat your mum like a roommate.

So, I understand why this situation feels kind of weird and upsetting, but at the same time, it is probably just a 25 year old being a little immature and trying to assert her independence. I’d try to let it go unless it seems like she’s somehow getting into a dangerous situation.

This! The fact DD isn't doing this suggests she's hiding something, which just generates further suspicion/worry.

Yes, she's 25, doesn't mean a parent stops caring.

For those rather.. charming "well they can fuck off and leave" type posters:

There's very much a difference between "Hey I'm just nipping out, I won't be back till late/I won't need tea/I've taken a key so lock up' comments where adults in a house let each other know a rough idea of timings because that can affect others in the house

And what OP appears to actually be on about which is not giving most details than you want to share and not answering probing questions.

Would you be happy if your husband probed you with questions every time you went out? If he asked you who, what, where and then got grumpy and called it hurtful when you didn't go into minute detail?

Terrible she takes an interest isn't it 🤦‍♀️

But they don't... like they don't have to and generally just don't tell their parents before they go out

You're quite rude

You don’t even realise but you probably keep asking and it’s annoying.

you know she went to church and then when out and came home. That’s enough really. She’s 25 and trying detach and create a private life.
let her figure it out and establish her boundaries.

don’ call it hurtful because it’s not actually. She’s an adult.

Constantly questioning someone's actions isn't "taking an interest" it's borderline controlling

Other than I’m off out mum what is there to say? Alternative being I’m going round to johns to have a threesome. Up to the person going out to choose to share I’d say. Op you are making it about you , it’s not about you.

That’s not an interest, an interest is not making snide comments

I used to be like this with my mum because I got annoyed at her constant nosiness and reporting my life to everyone she knew. She had to know what I was doing at all times and then I'd run into a cousin or an aunt and it sounded like she was giving them a line by line report on my every movement. I genuinely had nothing to tell them about because they'd already heard. Funnily enough, now that we don't live together she doesn't have a clue whether I went out to dinner last night or had a day off work and she doesn't even ask. I think she couldn't help myself because I was there and it seemed more normal. We have a good relationship but that one thing drove me up the wall.

Eh? Is it some sort of quid pro quo for living at home as an adult… I let you live here, therefore you have to tell me details of your social life? That doesn’t seem very nice does it.

Yes, I agree with the above statement. I was living with my Mum too at 25 and stopped telling her things, but my Mum was very controlling and I resented living with her. Not saying you're like this though OP.

Is that how you speak to people in daily life?

It's the old "Give me two rings when you get home", immortalised by Peter Kay.

Makes no sense to ask your adult kids to let you know they're home safely from a long drive visiting you, when we have no idea of the remaining 99.9% of their time. We do it though.

It's good manners when sharing a house to say where you're going. If your partner said "I'm going out." That's abrupt. If he said, "I'm going for a wander around town" that wouldn't be.
Why can't your child be the same? "Off out for some drinks, see you later."

Eh??? That's not what I said at all!!

I find it hard to comprehend how a mother and daughter would not have interaction when living in the same house. If the DD finds her mother intrusive, then she needs to move out.

I'm not extracting their deepest and darkest secrets with my adult children in return for putting a roof over their heads. I do expect that to talk to me!!! I don't know whether they tell me everything. I don't ask.

Mine do talk to me, and confide in me too, so it's all good.

"You're quite rude" - the irony, after the way you addressed me!!!

She's 25 and living an adult life , she's entitled to privacy my adult daughter lives with me if she tells me what she's doing it's because she wants to not because I press her for details . I was living in my own house at 20 and married with 2 kids by the time I was your daughters age my mother wouldn't know my comings and goings . I'd stop asking her and she may volunteer some info otherwise when she moves out you might not hear from her at all.

As charming as those who swear at another poster.

You don't know what is happening in the OP's situation because she hasn't clarified. However, she is entitled to be concerned about her DD.

The OP describes a secretiveness that has developed in the last couple of years, so a change in behaviour. I don't see anything there that suggests the OP is pursuing an intrusive line of questioning but feel free to read in what isn't there.

I don't care what anyone says, I would not accept discourtesy towards me from my YP when I am doing them the favour of letting them live under my roof. That includes not coming and going without letting me know. What they do when they aren't here is their business, but respectful communication is a rule in our house and not a problem.

As I said above, how do you know that the OP is pressing her DD for details?

Quite. It would be normal for any resident family member to respond when asked where they were going out to. It is just normal chatty conversation. People on mumsnet are so weird, especially when it comes to older kids

I don't, that's a massive assumption on my part which I agree could be completely wrong and based on my own experience