DD won't tell me anything about what she's up to

[swingsaregreat]

DD25 lives with me and her younger brother (24). She has had an offer accepted on a house and is waiting for it to go through.

In the last couple of years, and especially recently, she has become very secretive about where she's going or what she's doing when she goes out. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. On Sundays she usually goes to church but this week she went to the earlier service at 9am and then was out all afternoon. She came home for a couple of hours, had a nap, then went out again in the evening. I didn't see her until Monday morning when she was working from home, but she was uncommunicative when I asked her what she'd been up to.

I find this really hurtful. I'm her mum and I care about her. I don't know what I've done to make her not tell me anything. She goes out a couple of evenings a week and I have no idea who she's with or what she's doing. AIBU?

How would you know where to start looking if she went missing??

How do you think this works with adults who don't live with their parents? Do you think adults who live independently inform their parents every time they go out, on the off-chance that they might go missing?

The infantilisation of adults in their 20s on Mumsnet is fucking insane.

My children are adults but we still have basic manners - so ds would say something like 'I'm out with the lads tonight so don't do me any dinner' or 'I'm staying at (girlfriend)s house tonight, I'll see you tomorrow' . So no great detail but I know when to expect him. I don't think that's unreasonable.

If I suddenly disappeared without saying anything for 2 days they would want to (quite rightly) know where I am and when I'm coming back.

It's just basic manners of sharing a house with family.

I just think it's common decency for anyone in a household to tell you something when they go out. My DD is almost 30 and lives at home, she always tells me that she is going out/staying at boyfriends/might be late/doesn't want dinner etc. My Mum lives with my sibling and she is a pensioner, still lets them know when she is off out somewhere though, and roughly when she will be home.

Same goes for me, If I have night out and go back to friends, I let DD know I will be late.

Leave her to it maybe shes got stuff going on she will talk when shes ready.
I was the same i didnt tell my mother anything because in the end it would become a topic with her just going on and on.
Its called having a privet life or some of your life privet.

OP doesn’t actually say that her DD is going out without saying anything.

She’s just saying DD won’t say where she’s been or who with. DD may be saying “I’m off out now, won’t be here for dinner” just not giving more details.

It’s unclear from the OP.

I'm aware that it's natural you'll worry about her, but she's a 25 year old woman, not a 15 year old! Even though she lives with you, it's not really your right to know what she's "up to". Has she clammed up because she's fed up of being interrogated?
She's probably biding her time for the house buying to go through, then at least she can have an independent private life without her mum being so nosy!
Honestly, unless you've seen signs that allude to the fact that she's doing something nefarious, I think I'd just let her do her thing.

Yep.

as per pp there is likely something she doesn’t want mum to know.

church is odd. Does she not go to service with the family? Why go on her own? Is she saying she’s going to an earlier service appease you but in reality not going at all?

if the family is religious there could be something that would be disapproved of- a girlfriend, an boyfriend of a different race or religion. If the family aren’t religious imo it’s unusual for a 25 yo to be taking themselves off.

agree with pp- she’s not talking to you because there’s something going on she thinks you won’t approve of.

I'm late 20's and a lot like this with my mum. It stems from the fact that she wants every little detail about my plans.

'Where you going?'
'Shopping'
'Where?'
'City'
'What for?'
'Jeans'
'You've got enough jeans haven't you?'

The questioning about things becomes so in depth that it feels like an interrogation/invasion of privacy - I mean I could be off to Ann Summers for all she knows, which I don't want questioning about. Nor do I need telling what to spend my money on. So now my back is up, and I often catch myself just saying 'out' when she asks where I'm off to.

Is it possible you've been doing this, OP? It is really annoying, sorry!

As your DD is only 25 and little more than a baby it’s not surprising that you would like to know what she is doing OP. May be best to ground her for her own safety.

Are you Christian too? If so, I guess she won't tell you if she's doing something a Christian shouldn't. Or even if you're not, maybe she still won't tell you about anything that would make you think she's hypocritical.

If they don't want you to know anything of their lives, then they need to fuck off and live somewhere else.

These adults have chosen to live under their parents' roofs. It's a different situation if they live elsewhere.

I don't think too many of us are forcing them to do it.

My DS is 22 and I completely accept that what he does is his business.

However, I do think it's common courtesy to let the people you live with (and who, presumably, love you and care about your wellbeing) know if you are not going to be back that day, or not to include you in the numbers for dinner if you all normally eat together.

I was going to say something similar - we are only hearing one side of the story here.
My mother is very loving but completely overbearing and would constantly question me when I lived with her.
I would say I was going out and would be back late but that would t be enough info -where was I going, who with etc.

Im in my 40’s with my own children now and she still panics if I don’t reply to a text immediately or miss her phone calls, she has to know all my travel plans when we go on holiday. It’s exhausting

At 25, your dd is an adult and needs to be treated as such. As her dm you do not need to know where she is, who she is with, what she is doing.
Keep nagging her and you will never know where she is or what she is doing once she has got her own place.

Same! I choose what I tell my mum now as I know she will tell all her friends and work colleagues my business.

When your daughter moves out into her new home, you'll have no idea when she goes out, to worry about where she's going or who she's seeing! Your daughter is 25, she's not 15, and isn't obliged to tell you anything regarding her private life. I understand you want to be in her life, but it may be that she feels you are prying. You need to back-off a little, and may be she'll start telling you more.

I was raised in a quite religious family with a mother who wanted to know everything my siblings and I had been up to all the time. She has GAD and it was relentless and controlling. It was never one question, it was ten. If I went to someone’s house she’d want to know what their living room looked like. It was like being interrogated. I don’t tell her anything until it has happened - I’ve given birth, separated from my now ex, and had a hysterectomy, and she didn’t know about any of them until after they’d happened because I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. So stay back and relax. She’ll talk to you when it’s right for her.

Why should she? Clearly, it will be better for everyone that she moves out ASAP. An adult really doesn't have to tell their parent about everything that they do.

Well she is moving out. So there.

And you sound fucking delightful

As do you - "so there"!!!!

Real mature

I was only quoting what you said so right back at you!

And can I also add, as a parent who has 3 20-somethings living in my house for various reasons, if they don't want us to know what they are doing, they can piss off elsewhere!! I am not holding them here!

Fortunately our children have some respect for their parents while still being lazy shites but that's another story!

I remember when I was a teenager having to tell my Mum everything I was doing, where I was going, who I was seeing, when I was coming back, I really started to hate it. It was great when I was older and realised I didn't have to do any of those things anymore and I could have a private life, have a romantic or a sex life or even do things she might not approve of, and not have to ask permission to do everything. So yeah I told my parents very little, simply because I didn't have to.

I remember my mother saying when we all went off to uni that she was glad she didn't know what we were up to!!

In actual fact, none of us got up to anything particularly awful!! Although the drunken nights, she would not have approved of!