Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

This is perfect !

She sounds majorly annoying

Send that ?? Who made you the boss of OP?

The audacity of Amanda lecturing you on planning, OP!

This is a perfect reply.

Mine too. Not sure how to tell our 90 kids at nursery tomorrow that they need to check they have proper ski suits or snow suits to go outside after breakfast.

A ‘normal’ part of planning is sending out RSVP invitations and going from there.
Abnormal parenting means not replying, turning up, expecting different food and the pestering the host.
For days.
You have sent a perfectly adequate reply.
What on earth does Cadging Amanda WANT? A Time Machine for you to go back, because it’s too late now.
This poor son of hers is going to be penalised because people will not him anywhere because they won’t want to deal with her.
She is a CF of the first order.
Maybe you could magic a wand you could wave to make her invisible?!

I would reply with....

Replying to an Invitation is a normal part of parenting. Had you replied, as is the correct response to an invitation then James would have received his personalised party bag.

As you have failed in your duties, please do not push the disappointment of your son or blame on to me.

Have never done spare bags for party who would I anticipate or accommodate someone else being ditzy or rude
I expect an RSVP.
i have had parents bring an uninvited sibling, they didn’t get a bag as they were an uninvited plus one

Omfg.

Oh. My. God.

Come on clever articulate ladies of mumsnet.

What's the response?

“Normally a parent wouldn’t send their child to a party they hadn’t accepted an invite to, then expect a personalised bag and a whole unknown extra meal preparing of which the remaining half a pizza was then taken home. I figured you’d considered that the party bag… don’t worry I certainly shall not make the same mistake again “

I think she sounds like an entitled nightmare, can't believe she let you order her Dominos, taking the leftovers is outrageous too 😂. A whole extra pizza is more than the cost of a party bag surely! I expect somebody this blind to social norms and has a child who is left out too is more than likely autistic, which might explain it. But I wouldn't pander to it. If it was me I think I'd reply with the contact details for the magician to buy her son one herself. You could point out the unexpected individual pizza cost more than the party bag if you are brave.

As for the party bags. Personally, I'd always cater for at least one spare for these circumstances, but that is because I clearly remember turning up at a party age 5 or 6, and my mum, who had severe depression (after our abusive dad had recently left her for another woman leaving her struggling with a severely disabled child and three others alone), had not replied to the invite. The mother made a big point about it, that they weren't expecting me as my mum hasn't replied, I was a very shy child and I was mortified. All the children got a beautiful soft toy, except for me as they pointed out again in front of everyone to my embarrassment when they handed them out, because they didn't know I was coming. So I know from my own experience that it isn't the child's fault in these circumstances and I'd never want them to feel like that, so I always always have spares, and I'd never go ahead with personalised party bags without chasing up definite answers from those who hadn't replied.

Well said x

Well, you have now and as I have already said, party bags were personalised so contingencies were not possible. In future, remember to RSVP to be sure it doesn't happen again. Please do not contact me again on this subject or any other, for that matter.

----

The fact that she has never experienced lack of contingency before says to me this is a regular occurrence. Poor James.

What about just a thumbs up emoji on the message?

What? Op hasn't asked us to hive mind a response.. by all means suggest one but OP doesn't need us to all rally an answer. She's a grown woman

"I'm so sorry that James is upset that you didn't remember to RSVP! As a gesture of goodwill, would he like to take back the gift of the colouring book?"

Best reply…silence…nada…hee haw…she’s looking to redefine the narrative and set op up
Ignore her, it’ll really annoy her. She craves the drama . Deny her the attention she craves

I would have to reply.
"James was not excluded from receiving a party bag. If like other attendees, his parents had sent an RSVP, then a bag would have been ordered for him. Any upset is purely down to your failure to let me know James was coming to the party. I won't be engaging any further with you about party bags".

But, my DC are adults now and so school issues are way in my past!

Cut this woman out of your friendship circle

Oh that’s a 👍🏻 opportunity just hanging in the air.

Send it OP, send it

👍🏻👍🏻

No wonder her child has no friends or invited though. Silly cows scared everyone off with her entitlement.

Yup. Snippity snip. Off you fuck

Afraid I would have to bite and go back and say that you asked for RSVPs and it’s very rude of her to not respond and then turn up and expect James to be catered for, there was already extra expense for the pizza which I noticed you took home.

Perhaps it’s a case of you reflecting on your behaviour here and how your actions have affected James and you will learn from this

I do agree with this to some extent - as the host I'd want some contingency. In this case the mum who forgot to reply was awful, but she may have been lovely or it could have been your fault or one of your favourite kids could've been upset (party bags are sooo important at this age!).

None of that excuses the mum's behaviour though, and in her shoes I definitely would've been explaining to my DC that it was my fault. (Not that I think for a second @HollyKnight that you'd be behaving like that!)

I'd be tempted to reply "I've never known someone turn up without RSVPing, it's a normal part of attending", but probably best to just leave it be. And maybe tell the biggest gossip in the class that's happened "in confidence".