How common was EOW in the early 90s?

[boltt]

We used to stay at our dad's house EOW.

Picked up at 18:00 on Friday, and would leave his after Sunday lunch around 16:00. 45 min journey each way.

It's hardly a lot of time is it. Wondering how common this arrangement really was back then.

EOW and one teatime in the week here. Honestly, the only memories I really have are sat around bored in front of the TV. We were teenagers, and he just expect us to comply - be talkative, be fun. Despite the fact he never was, unless it was when he was trying to force us to - he never put in the effort to create the kind family environment he thought people should have, fun, relaxed - never put any effort in - then expected us to turn it on like a tap when they separated!
He still to this day doesn't understand that he never spent any time actively engaging with us before the separation, actively got annoyed when we had hobbies or interests he didn't like or understand, and at the slightest bit of conflict went into authoritarian mode, he blames the separation and 'well you didn't want to come'. I spent years after that 'turning it on' when i saw him, to be happy and cheeky and tell him about my life, try and emulate the relationship he thought we should have - im exhausted now, and don't want to, and he doesn't like that. He would say 'he tried, but your mother turned you against me' or 'he tried, but you weren't interested' and gets offended if I don't tell him things that he thinks he should know 'as your dad'. He will never see the connection between his behaviour and the current relationship, because that would require him thinking beyond 'well, I tried to make conversation with you as a teenager and you were grumpy'. He stopped all financial support when I was 17 because he lost his job - he got a new one a few months later, but it simply never occurred to him that I'd need support during university, I think he bought me a food shop once in 3 years, while him and his girlfriend went on holidays. I have no idea what he thought I was doing for money - I don't remember him ever asking about student finance or costs of housing etc.
And I somehow still end up feeling bad, because he is completely oblivious (or at least he hasn't put in the energy to actually review his past behaviour... yes, i am on the Stately Homes thread) because there are people out there who had completely AWOL or abusive dads, much worse situations than me, and yet sometimes I just wish he had gone AWOL instead.

My ex went to pick DC2 up from school last year on a Friday (his weekend) as I was away and my mum couldn't do it. He collects at 7pm Friday usually. First time he'd ever picked them up (DC1 walks home)
He went to the wrong school. She was in Year 5.

My older brothers would come over every Saturday. They didn’t stay over though. One did live with us for a year. It was nothing formal and went entirely on what they wanted to do.

My experience was that eow wasn’t a common thing until later.

dad had us every weekend and most of the people in my school in the same situation were also every weekend. There were far less of us though than what it seems nowadays thought so I put the change down to that but maybe we were the anomaly.

he took us every other Christmas and for a chunk of the summer holidays too but I understand that was less common even among my peers who’s parents were divorced. Also he lived in a different town so it was also to do with us having to travel and it not being possible to just pop to see each other.

obviously it wasn’t a blanket rule as divorce is complicated and relationships between parents after affected. We were lucky that our relationship was good but I knew others who while they did go every weekend had more similar experiences that’s been described on this thread where they were there physically but there wasn’t good engagement etc.

This is lovely and sounds like it is written with great affection for your dad.

My dad was in the army so we saw him at weekends when he was actually around - but only for the day. He would pick us up after breakfast and drop us off slightly before bedtime. I only remember actually staying at his place once when my mum and stepdad had a weekend away for their anniversary. If he was going away on exercise he would pick my sister and I up from school and take us out for dinner (Burger King) before he left for 6 weeks or 3 months. And sometimes when he got back after being away for a while he would take us out after school. Once he got out of the army and moved away we stayed with him most half terms and for part of the summer holidays. There was never any formal arrangement though. My parents agreed that we would live with my mum (because: army) and my dad could see us anytime he liked.

70's child here and unusually for then, my dad had custody of me and mum had custody of my half sister and baby sister. I was 4 years old and we started with EOW alternating me going to mums and my sisters coming to dads. As my sisters became older they stopped coming to dads and I had every wkend with mum plus a week in the holidays, some years. It was unusual and god knows what judge thought it was a good idea but mum wasn't very stable and I had a better life with dad. However there are no winners in that sort of situation.

The vast majority of my friends who had divorced parents in the 90s had an EOW arrangement. Or didn't see their dads at all. I didn't know anyone who did 50-50 or stayed with their dad in the week at all.

In the 90s I saw my Dad every other Saturday day time, no contact in between. He also lived the madatory divorced Dad distance of 45 mins away. I would stay with my maternal Grandmother random weekends, who he lived 5 mins away from, he wouldn't visit those weekends. The Saturdays were spent sat next to him on the sofa whilst he watched sports for a few hours then to my Nan's for tea (she was the best so that part of the day was brilliant). I felt nothing for him whatsoever, I was mildly fond of him like I would be an uncle. As an adult I would see him maybe once every 3 months when I went to visit him, no contact in between. His choice, not the kid's place to maintain a relationship. He's dead now, meh.

We were supposed to have EOW but most of the time my dad didn't turn up so gave up.
I still remember 2 of my siblings sat waiting for him.

I would have despised 50/50, I was a total mums girl and I'm also a home bird. I liked my own room and my things, plus I wanted to play out with my friends

I have a good relationship with my dad now but one of my brothers doesn't speak to him at all

My husband had his kids every weekend without fail when their mum had custody. When we did it was eow and Wednesday after school.

I was the child of the "new family". My teenage sisters (half-siblings) came to us for the day every second Sunday and for tea fortnightly on a Tuesday. There was quite an age difference though and by the time they were 18-20 and I was 5ish, they would start to stay over on weekend evenings to babysit me while my parents went out. I don't remember them ever staying over prior to this, but I was obviously very young. As adults they would drop in whenever but the fortnightly sunday lunch has remained sacrosanct.

I don't really know why they have such a close relationship with our dad when they saw him so infrequently and these instances only increased when they were being used for babysitting duties. One of my sisters has spoken in recent years about her hurt about this and the fact that they were never invited on our family holidays. I'm glad they have maintained this relationship though as I have developed a close sisterly relationship with them.

My parents split when I was 5 (1996)...Dad remarried a few years later and she had a son who was the same age as me. We went to the same primary school so Dad had me EOW Fri-Mon including school pick ups and drop offs, plus Wednesday & Thursday evenings every week.

I then went to a different secondary school around an hour's drive from my Dad's so I saw him EOW still, but he picked me up from school Friday and I went home to my Mum's Sunday evening. I preferred this as a kid though as I liked my own space (Mum had bigger house) and my drive to school was not as far. I wouldn't have liked all my things to be split between two houses and having to pack up a bag mid week when I was in my early teens...

EOW is quite subjective tbh, it can mean 1 night or 4 nights in a different scenarios.

@JoeySchoolOfActing we had the same contact arrangement in the 80s/90s, never heard of anyone else having it!
Every other Saturday, pick up around 11, dropped off before tea. My mum told us it was all my dad could be bothered with, later found out my dad did go to court for more access but it was all he was awarded (not sure why tbh, there were no domestic abuse issues or similar - just a lot of animosity between the two of them)

For a few years he made the effort and took us swimming but after that it was only ever him dragging us around whatever he was doing on a weekend, which usually meant wandering around B&Q and then watching TV while he did DIY. Never had any belongings at his house beyond a few board games he bought for us, and certainly no space at his house that was ours.

Unsurprisingly we had no meaningful relationship with him, I stopped going in my teens, reconnected with him as an adult but only see him two or three times a year.

A lot of men do very little when they live with their family, my parents didn't split up and are still married but if they had, every other weekend would have been a lot more time in the company of my dad than we did have.

My ex moved an hour away and chose not to work so doesn't have space for the kids, if they stay over they sleep on the floor of his (not very big) bedroom at his mum's house. So that's why we don't do 50 50. To be fair even if that small amount of contact involves him doing more directly with the kids than when we lived together.

I think their relationship will be ok seeing them once a week in the day and occasional overnights as long as he puts the effort in. When he lived with us he was really unpleasant to them 75% of the time which can't have been great for their relationship either. The main problem is he won't commit to a regular schedule, it's always a text the night before or in a morning saying he wants to see them, which I don't think will be ideal when they are old enough to have more understanding

I’d of been 5 in the 70s and my dad decided it was every weekend for my brother and I. He’d shove us in front of the telly whilst he got drunk then walk us home in the dark on purpose to frighten my mother. We’d bear the brunt of that as it was our faults I was 5 brother 4.

when mother remarried dad fucked of to Canada, then came back when I was 15 stating he was off again with his new wife who was 3 years older then me 🤮🤮. never spoke again after that and I’ve now discovered he’s in the Cotswolds on his own and I’ve been told I should visit am I hell he can fuck off

@Proteinpud he was reliable at least, the pick up was always during the phone in on Going Live (showing my age)

Same in that no space for any of our stuff at his but tbf, my sister refused to visit his house (shared with new partner and her daughter) quite early on so he did used to take us out to do actual stuff.

God, this thread has me feel really fucking sad!

Surely the split should depend on the type of people the parents are? If the dad or mum plonk their kids in front of the TV, can't cook them decent meals, have no time to listen to them, why should they get 50/50? I don't believe kids always need contact with both parents if those parents impact the child negatively, especially abusive parents who apparently can still get 50/50.

Watching this thread with interest, father here about to go through a divorce. I feel I have no option but to move 50 minutes away from where my ex will base herself as quite simply I can’t afford anything else. She will walk away with the vast majority of equity from our house as I want that for her as primary caregiver.

I’m trying to go through the scenarios in my head about what’s possible. EOW and 1 night in the week (plus half holidays) I’m told is standard, it does seem low from what I’m used to but that’s divorce right? The midweek to me would seem a bit draining on the kids though with the drive to and from mine. I have suggested to my ex could I come down 1 or even 2 nights midweek for tea at hers. Although how practical that actually ends up being (I’d love it, but would my ex want me there twice a week in her house after time).

I’m also conscious of EOW when the kids are a bit older with regards Saturday clubs etc.

Tin hat on here, appreciate a bloke coming onto mumsnet and asking stuff like this will probably end up in abuse 😂but genuinely trying to work things out and open to ideas at this stage.

Of course my ex could move somewhere cheaper like I plan to (our kids aren’t at school yet) and we could co parent far more easily, with a more 50/50 approach. But she’s obsessed with living in this one town near London so not much else I can do.

Still the same, at least in the USA. Cousin divorced from wife, no affairs or similar just fell out of love with each other. She got the kids who were quite young. He got them EOW.

He was telling me about his DS's struggles with school. I suggested he help with Science or whatever but there simply wasn't enough time for him to make a difference. It's an awful arrangement.

Wow, that's extremely cruel of your mother. I'm sorry this was your experience.

In the mid 90s my dad had me EOW. I was only tiny. Once I started school he was always there for the important stuff even though he lived an hour away. He never ever missed a weekend. He wanted so much more but it wasn’t allowed (DM decided).

He attended every single parents evening, tried to pick me up when he worked in the area, and spoke to me most days on the phone. Every sports day, every after school event, he was there as DM didn’t bother.

Me and my dad have the best relationship, and I know he’d have had me more if he could. When I got to 16 and could leave school at lunchtime I used to walk to his work for lunch (took 5minutes from school) once a week. Even at uni I used to pop by and see him once a week, and when I had my DD he used to come and see me and DD once a week on his way home. He also always paid without fail when I was small and provided me with a bank account and pocket money. He used to accommodate me seeing my school friends on “his” weekends. He is absolutely everything a dad should be.

I wish my children’s dad made half as much effort as my own did.

@4Candle I really hope you manage to sort something. Could it work taking them out for dinner somewhere cheap and cheerful? Not great for every week but even McDonald’s or something nearby to your ex wife? In the summer you could do park picnics nearby meaning you don’t need to be in her space.

I’d be open to that, what I really want is a flexible arrangement that can change as they get older and have different needs. For example I say EOW/1 midweek as a minimum, but likewise if ex wants me to have them the in between weekend, or 1 day over that weekend as extra then I’d happily do it. I’d always do the drive down to collect them and see them etc (I find it odd when the ex husband moves away and expects the mum to do the travel). There’s no one else for either of us, anything like that which probably makes this all a bit clearer at this stage. I’m just tied with my job too meaning school pick ups for me would be hard, although I plan to speak to work about flexible working. If I could get down there for at least one school pick up a week to/from. That would sure make my exes life easier.

By moving to where I want I have family, friends (grandparents, cousins etc) and I could afford a nice little 2 bed house and make it most welcoming for them to stay. One of my best mates got divorced not long ago, he’s renting near his ex which is miles away and he’s so depressed. He isn’t from there and has no friends, it did make me think by sacrificing so much to be near his child he’s basically become a shell of what he was and now his kid has a miserable father.

There’s so many grey shades with this sort of thing, I’ve also no idea how my ex will be when it all comes to it, she’s been incredibly unreasonable during the relationship hence the split. But my approach is to go in with a willing to do what’s best; be realistic and compromise. And ultimately what’s best for the kids is the best solution. I want to be active, I want to be involved. But it’s a huge balance so any ideas appreciated, thankyou,

@4Candle I applaud your intent and effort, it’s such a difficult situation with so many different factors. Me and my ex split a year ago, and honestly we are only just on talking terms now. We played along for the kids so they never saw or heard anything but we were both incredibly unreasonable.

I think you’re doing everything you can do, you can only go into it with honesty and willingness, and hope everything else falls into place. Good luck 🙂