How common was EOW in the early 90s?

[boltt]

We used to stay at our dad's house EOW.

Picked up at 18:00 on Friday, and would leave his after Sunday lunch around 16:00. 45 min journey each way.

It's hardly a lot of time is it. Wondering how common this arrangement really was back then.

In the 90s? Well my xH sees our children 5 nights in 14... that's nights, not days. Wednesday from 4pm until Thursday 7am, one Friday 4pm until Sunday 9am, the other week, Sunday 11am until Monday 7am... I offered more, he declined. I wasn't surprised, that's a whole lot more parenting than he ever did when we were together!

My kids are happy, and actually don't always go those allocated days, and some weeks go far less.

I’m a 90’s baby. I saw my dad once a week on a Sunday for roughly 6 hours and started staying EOW Saturday evening to Sunday evening from around 5/6 from memory. At the time there were only a few of us with divorced parents and this was pretty standard. I did also used to go round on a Wednesday evening when I was very young but this dropped off for one reason or another or maybe swapped to the overnight EOW arrangement, I can’t remember.

I saw my dad every Sunday 10-4. He managed to negotiate until 6pm when we were a bit older.

When he worked a Sunday the only day he could change to was after school on a Wednesday for 2hrs.

We couldn't stay with him as he was renting a room - my mum had never worked yet got the house in the divorce.

My mum made it as difficult as possible for him. On Christmas Day she used to time 1hr for us to sit in dad's car on the road outside the house and anything we hadn't opened in that time we couldn't have. She wouldn't even let him on the drive to come and knock on the door so when she was feeling particularly petty she'd 'not notice' him parked in front of the house for an hour.

We continued seeing him every Sunday when he remarried and had another child. I think I carried on the same routine until I was about 18 😄

Every Sunday from mid morning until after dinner. It seemed normal at the time but it’s really not a lot is it! No extra during school holidays or Bank holidays. Alternate Christmas Days.

No, it really doesn’t. Some might, absolutely. But there are many, many children who have a far better time of it with one parent out of the house. Especially when they get to an age where they can refuse to comply with custody agreements.

I was eighties. He took my mum to court for joint custody so she couldn’t do anything without ‘asking his permission’. He was supposed to see us Sunday afternoons from 12 till 6pm. He turned up maybe once or twice a month, and took us to a park for a couple of hours, if it wasn’t raining. He never paid maintenance, no birthdays or Christmas gifts. We only knew he’d got married because his wife told us it was their anniversary so they were going away on holiday. I refused to go when I was around 12 and my childhood improved immeasurably.

Of course it's bollocks.
My daughters see their father for 2 days once a month.
They only have a solid relationship as he sees them at mine and I get them to video call him twice a week.

You don't have to worry massively about reliability when you only have to bother with your kids EOW.

Living in a house where you're terrified of the arguments and the shouting and the throwing things and the hitting each other is of course much better for the children than living with mum, who is calmer and happier and more relaxed and can create a safer atmosphere. Of course. 🤷‍♀️

We went to our dad's every Saturday afternoon, would walk to Nan's every Sunday and be collected by mum from there on Sunday teatime.

I was EOW in the 90s too, usually Saturday late morning to Sunday late morning. I spent more time with my grandparents. Sad, but it was fairly standard then.

My Dad wasn't interested, was supposed to have regular contact but rarely bothered, often just didn't turn up, then contact dropped completely but he would randomly appear one day every two years or so as if nothing was wrong, this was late 1980s into 1990s. Some people are just not capable of being parents.

Same arrangement here from 1993.

That must have been heartbreaking for your dad. My parents separated for around 4 years and I guess I spent more time at my mum's, but I remember it being more like 50:50. Parents lived in the same town though, so that made it easier.

It's as if, for many men, children are something that they tolerate in return for the benefits of having a wife who will faciliate thier lives. Once they lose the services of the wife they feel that any duty they have towards the children is much reduced.

Far less harm than living with two people who are miserable and staying together for the sake of the children. I had friends who went through this growing up. Their homes were uncomfortable places to visit because you could feel the tension.

I'd argue that by living apart my parents repaired things rather than broke them.

We had this until my mum decided to move us away to be closer to her family. After that we only went to see our dad twice a year - a week at Easter and a week in the summer. That eventually became just a week in the summer. And then eventually nothing because he wanted to drop it to just a long weekend Thurs-Mon and I thought fuck that, I'm not travelling all that way for that.

ExDH left for OW in the mid to late 90s and had DC EOW
OW also had 2 DC and their DF only had them once a month
We did split school holidays where possible
I don’t think he wanted them more as 4 would have been too much, he worked long hours and did some extra work on a weekend
Adult DC and I discussed very recently and they said they would have hated 50:50 as OW wasn’t that nice to them, when DF was there they resented sharing him with other DC

Early 90s for me, and the pattern was mostly EOW apart from the first year as Mum had a care home job at the time which included some overnight shifts so I did have some other nights in the week with Dad. This then became EOW once she left that job.

It just seemed normal to me at the time, although I don't think I had a lot to compare to. The only other person I can swear to who had divorced parents in that time period is a friend I didn't meet until university - I know his dad moved an hour away so 50:50 would have been difficult for him and his siblings to get to school. I'm not sure exactly what arrangement he did have, but it wasn't that.

Dad's second wife had two sons, they had 50:50 for a while and I remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure I'd have wanted that as I wouldn't have had a place to call home. (Also, Dad had moved about half an hour's drive away and 50:50 time there wouldn't have been great for school).

Late 80s/early 90s I don't even think me and DB had EOW with Dad. More often than not it would be a few hours the odd Sunday and stay over Friday night now and then.

It was more regular we'd have Friday night with one set of grandparents and Saturday night with the other to give DM some respite.

Definitely wasn't a blended family arrangement once Dad was married and DSB and DSS came along. I remember a few nights staying over on the sofa, I was made welcome but it wasn't like it was a second home or anything like that.

Same here, exact same timings as you too. It was every other weekend though as lived further away.

Every single one of my friends with divorced parents used to go their Dad's EOW. Except one who lived far away so she'd visit him for school holidays. So I do think it was very common. I always thought it was because weekends were seen as the only 'free time', during the week doesn't count with school and work and homework etc (not my own opinion, just what I think the logic was supposed to be behind it)

I think EOW has changed now. It's more common to see EOW with dad picking up the kids from school on Friday and taking them to school on Monday morning. So one extra overnight and a lot more time during the days. It seems to have changed for men who are willing to be flexible with their work and finish early and make up hours plus actually provide what their child needs in their home rather than expect them to pack a bag and bring it all with them.

I used to go to my dads once a week, never stayed over - but tbh, I'm glad 50:50 wasn't a thing then. I used to go mainly out of duty - his house was a shit hole and he never did anything to entertain me, just sat about in his house bored stiff till it was time to go home.

It should be. My ex husband said that 24 hours every other weekend was more than enough. It would have disrupted his life too much to have the children more. As soon as the children got to 16 and 14 they refused to go one weekend because they wanted to go to a party, they havent heard from him since. That was 20 years ago

I did every weekend with my dad for 24 hours - Friday tea to Saturday tea or Saturday tea to Sunday tea - occasionally the whole weekend. I never had any contact in the week either in person or by phone and he only lived 10 minutes away. This didn't change in school holidays either.

My daughter would be devastated with any less than 50/50 ad she's very attached to both of us and ex DP has always been a decent hands on parent. The only thing that would be better for her would be us together.