How common was EOW in the early 90s?

[boltt]

We used to stay at our dad's house EOW.

Picked up at 18:00 on Friday, and would leave his after Sunday lunch around 16:00. 45 min journey each way.

It's hardly a lot of time is it. Wondering how common this arrangement really was back then.

My exh has the dc EOW but he does come to see them 2 times during the week usually which imo makes a huge difference. I honestly don't know anyone with a 50/50 arrangement.

My ex takes the kids to school each morning and then over night Saturday night and drops them back Sunday afternoon (pick up around 5:30 and drop off around 4:00).

I was aged 5 in 1978 when my parents split and Dsis and I would see dad EOW and every other Monday night. We could go more if we wanted, he just didn’t want us. When I got to aged 10 I’d walk back home to mums (she’d usually be away for the weekend) and let myself in with a key and spend my time there and then go back to dads to sleep

I get what you're saying, but I'd never wade in on those threads. Our EOW was only 7 or 8 hours on a Saturday. It could also describe Fri after school until Sunday evening and some school holidays which is a different thing altogether.

I know that my kids (ASD) would really struggle with any arrangement were DH and I to separate. But I don't think 50:50 would work for them as it wouldn't have done for me as a kid.

It's sad whatever the arrangement but if both parents are putting the kids' needs first, you would hope that they make the best one possible for their family. I agree with @boltt though that that is not very often the case and one parent is not thinking of the kids.

I think it was fairly common. It's what I did in the 80s and 90s, although my dad also worked on a ship so every second month it was no weekends. We used to stay half of Christmas break and half of the summer break.

I think at that time, at least where I lived, it was far more common for kids to go to school locally, walking, and often even coming home for lunch. So unless both homes were close to the school, kids would tend to need to stay in one home. And in general there was a sense that they needed some stability in the week.

While that might not suit everyone, personally I would never have wanted to move every week, much less within the week. I would have found it really displaced and upsetting.

I did have a friend where the parents lived fairly close, and they switched households ever six months, for much the same reason - they had tried month by month and still found it too much change. They did visit the other parent lots in that period, they just didn't change home base unless there was something unusual like a work trip in the mix.

I'm close to my dad, fwiw.

I think this is quite common now still, it's what we have with my DSS as well as longer in the holidays, and if he ever wanted a random Friday which has happened we jump at the chance. But most blended families I know have this set up too

DFIL moved across the country when he divorced DMIL. He only saw DH for the 6 week summer holidays and Christmas. He is now ill and his wife thinks DH should be driving 7 hours every other weekend to give her some respite. Absolute shocker.

My dad never saw me in my school uniform ever, didn’t want me and my sister every other weekend either. Pretty much walked out of our lives and never looked back although we did see him every few months if he bothered to turn up and didn’t “forget”. I don’t have any relationship with my dad. When I was young I didn’t realise what I was missing, now I’m an adult I so wish I had a dad who cared. It’s a sad situation but something I can’t do anything about.

We had EOW. Ex #1 did (well, got his mother to do) Wednesday from school until the morning as well and insisted on half the holidays to the exact minute, Ex #2 was 'far too busy working, you know - work?' to lower himself to setting foot into the playground and never had any leave left for holidays.

It was normal - and more than had previously been done for many, as the children I knew who had a father in their lives never seemed to see them again once they'd got a girlfriend.

I struggle with this a lot in terms of the amount of contact my Dad expects from us now he is elderly.

Maybe one day I'll be brave and say 'i thought I'd just catch up with you every other Sat for a few hours and no calls or messages in-between. That seemed to work ok for you all those years ago, no?'

Exactly this!!

My dd sees her dad for two hours maybe less EOW. It's complete bollocks and makes me really angry. I wonder how she will look back at it. Im sad for her but I've been forcing it for years I don't know what else to do about it. I'm honestly surprised how many people on mumsnet say they are 50/50.

Similar to you OP, Friday 4pm to Saturday 5/6pm, 45 min journey each way, EOW - but this was in the 70s/80s.

Occasionally we got to stay 2 nights. But we never spent holidays or any weekdays with Dad (he was taking his new family abroad). We once went on a 5 day holiday in Yorkshire, when I was 10, which I think Dad found torturous (but I went pony trekking so I loved it).

I have never even had a Christmas Day with my father, and I certainly don't think he ever picked us up from school! We have a good relationship, he's 88 now - he's not a bad person, he's just selfish, falls "in love" easily and needs all the passion and subterfuge and romance of forbidden fruit. 🙄 My DB can't forgive and they have a strained relationship because DB is mentally re-writing history, but I'm over all the navel-gazing. He's just my Dad, he's been a dick in his time, but nobody died and my childhood was perfectly happy with my DM and stepdad - I didn't know any different.

This was me in the 90s. Stayed with dad EOW from Saturday morning until Sunday evening. Definitely feel EOW ruined any chance of a proper relationship with my dad. We get on fine as adults but we don't have a close loving relationship, only see each other once or twice a year with a bit of text messaging.

@JoeySchoolOfActing sorry to hear that. I feel infuriated on DH's behalf when DH is feeling guilty about not seeing his dad enough. He literally couldn't have moved further away from him and offered no support to DMIL despite being very wealthy.

Same set up from the early 90s onwards, but dad came Sat am and dropped off Sunday early evening. Very occasionally had short summer holiday with him. Exactly the same set up, lived about 45 mins away.
He phoned like clockwork twice a week on a Tuesday and Thursday, he is a major creature of habit 😂. Even if we hardly had anything to tell him, I think the fact he called was appreciated.
Very reliable but didn't ask for any extra time with us. We get on well and always have, but can go weeks without hearing from him.
Daughters dad same set up but he collects her from school Fri pm and drops back Sunday early evening. Has her more in school holidays now as she is older and really easy going. Very rarely calls her which I find bizarre? Especially now with video chat etc being free. Even if we swap weekends or go away so he doesn't see her for an extended time he doesn't phone. I find that extremely strange.

That's how it was with every divorced kid i knew in the 90's-00's. I mean the ones who had an involved dad. Which is crazy to think.

My bf had this arrangement when he was a child and we recently spoke about it when he made some noises about how divorce sucks cause you only get to see your children few days a month. He was amazed that the starting point is 50/50 these days.

That’s the arrangement we had - I was three when they split. When we still lived in the same area I went every Weds night because my mother worked late, and I don’t remember how the weekends were arranged. We moved an hour away when I was eight and I lived with him for a couple of months so I could keep attending my school until my mum had bought a house and settled, then EOW after the move. Once I was about 13 I used to get the train across and he’d drive me back on Sunday.

My mum offered him a lot more time, he didn’t want it. The divorce was her idea and she should deal with the consequences. Having my own child has made me think hard about my own childhood.

I speak with a lot of children from separated families. NB, these are families in court so not parents who’ve been completely amicable.

Of those who can safely see both parents, I’d say the majority don’t want 50/50 and prefer one main base especially for school term time. Some actively do want it, some say they want it because they’re trying to keep their parents happy (they often say “because that’s what’s fair”, I always ask them who it’s fair to and mostly they say their mum and dad, and often answer differently when asked what’s fair to them).

I hardly ever see judges make orders for equal shared care.

Oh and my dad moved 45 minutes away too. What is it with dad's living 45 minutes away? Must have been in some 'what to do when you divorce' manual in the 80s/90s!

Late 70s, early 80s, I stated off seeing dad every other weekend. I hated it, he wouldn’t let me out to play with my friends, there was nothing to do, he didn’t feed me properly. So it went down to every other Sunday, and when I was 14 we had a huge row and I refused to go any more. I would have hated 50/50! When I got a little older we made up and I started seeing him again regularly, but on my terms as he was still very controlling, it only worked when I was old enough to set up firm boundaries with him. We ended up having a close relationship until he died.

I'm sure you do - my DH feels the same!

I have already mentally prepared though for not beating myself up if I can't provide much care if he needs it as he ages. I have my hands quite full with my own DC which really rams home how little emotional support he offered me as a child.

It must be hard seeing your DH feel guilty, I hope he can find some peace with that.

My parents stayed together but EOW seems very familiar from my childhood friends.

Some didn't see the NRP at all.

One friend had much more of a shared care model and it was thought to be really odd. And her Mother had complicated it by moving which made it much more difficult for her to get to school from her Dad's house. As an adult I wonder if it was intentional of her mother.

My friend always got on much better with her Dad (and continued to do so when we last spoke - our friendship has drifted) and I wonder if her Mum thought the school move would force her to spend more time at her house....

You'd think it's the 70s @boltt in this house: teenagers here are supposed to see their dad EOW, but they don't because he's totally detached from their daily lives whether they're in his care or not - they spend all weekend gaming when with him (which, shock horror from DS14 "gets really boring") and he doesn't get in touch for the 12 days he doesn't see them. Ever. Despite the fact as teenagers they have their phones on them 95% of the time. It's very very sad to witness - but then again his terrible emotional and psychological abuse, total detachment from our relationship, and inability to communicate was what decimated our marriage.

We done every other week from Saturday 12pm until Sunday 4pm. Only my parents were too toxic that our older sister had to take us on the bus across London and our dad would drop us back. I lived for those moments.