Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she was a bit rude/not empathetic?

152 replies

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 19:49

I can't quite put my finger on it so said rude/not empathetic but could be something else.

I had a first appointment with a therapist today. Been in this position many times and know the first appointment is just an introduction/talk about practicalities/see if we can work together - it doesn't always work out which I find hard as well as I struggle with new people.

So I asked my support worker (PA) to come with me to this appointment. She has supported clients with therapy many times before so it was no problem.

Therapist comes into waiting room and calls me by the wrong first name...I corrected her and introduced her to my support worker. She then addressed the support worker and told her 'stay here, I'll take her in'. It made me feel uncomfortable that she didn't speak to me and made me feel like an object with 'I'll take her in'. So I said 'I would like SW to come in with me.' Therapist ummed and ahhed over it. I told her I was within my rights to have my SW with me. Eventually she let us leave the waiting room and go into a private room. There she called me by the same incorrect name and when I corrected her just told me she sees a lot of people.

She then proceeds to talk to my SW about why she shouldn't be there. That therapy isn't a 3 way thing. Questions the dynamic between us etc. My SW explains her role to the therapist and that I'd asked her for support in this sutation and that it was a situation she was very familiar with. I make some comments but the therapist ignores me in favour of talking to my SW!

I try to explain to the therapist why I have asked for support for this session and explain going forwards I will mainly seek support from her after our sessions and possibly for her to support me to go to the session and be with me for 5 minutes at the beginning until I start to feel comfortable with the therapist. I may therefore ask her to wait for me in reception for a couple of sessions. My SW asked if we could agree that if I wanted her with me for 5 minutes at the beginning of the next session that, that was ok (to try to prevent such an awkward start next time.) She wouldn't agree to this.

She spoke in so much jargon. She didn't have to think about something she had to 'have a thought.' She was constantly 'curious' about things. I was 'holding on' to the idea of therapy = I wanted therapy. Just so much it was hard to understand her. I explained to her how I felt and she just kept asking again and again and I had to repeat myself 3 times. She then left a massive pause and asked if I felt sad...which was not what I had said at all! She didn't understand my use of 'in the community' (I.e not in hospital) when that is a completey normal turn of phrase!

She was then 'curious' as to how I could cope with therapy if my SW was in the waiting room. I just replied the same as anyone. And then I asked what would happen if at the end of the timescale she had given me we hadn't finished the work necessary and her reply was we would have to 'have a thought' about it.

It felt like she was highly anxious. She obviously had a problem with me having my SW with me, but if she hadn't been with me I would have walked out because tbh the therapist was really pissing me off!

This is part rant and part - do you think that this sounded a bit 'off'?I want to go into the next session knowing how to make this work better and how to deal with these kind of difficult situations.

OP posts:
trendingdiscuss · 14/01/2025 19:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Miloarmadillo2 · 14/01/2025 19:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Support worker, not social worker.

@UndertheCedartree It doesn’t sound like this is the right therapist for you.

Screamingabdabz · 14/01/2025 19:52

“That therapy isn't a 3 way thing.”

I think this is the crux of it.

trendingdiscuss · 14/01/2025 19:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 14/01/2025 19:54

Was this a private therapist? If so, sounds like she was out of her depth. Not equipped to deal with someone who has spent time in hospital and needs a support worker… I have a complex long term mental illness and have found most private therapist are only really for milder mental health issues.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/01/2025 19:55

Agree, it sounds like this therapist isn't used to the dynamic of a service user with a support worker. This doesn't sound like a good fit.

username299 · 14/01/2025 19:55

The most important thing about therapy is your relationship with your therapist. If you can hardly understand her and she can't be bothered to get your name right, it's not going to work.

Arrange therapy with another therapist and speak to them first about your support worker.

OhBuggerandArse · 14/01/2025 19:59

Whether she's the right therapist for you or not, it really won't work if you take you support worker with you. You have to be able to establish a functioning therapeutic relationship and you can't do that if you're leaning on a third party.

dotdotdotdash · 14/01/2025 19:59

It’s quite normal to see a few therapists before you find one that you can work well with. Leave your SW in the waiting room next time and meet them one to one.

FOJN · 14/01/2025 20:00

You do not need other people to validate your experience with the therapist. You felt it was awkward and she was not listening to you. On that basis you should find another therapist.

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Support worker. And as I said she has done the same for many clients. It is hardly unusual for people with serious mental illness to have a support worker/PA.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 14/01/2025 20:02

The wrong name thing is rubbish. The only way to handle that is to apologise and immediately correct it. Not make excuses. Keep looking for the right therapist.

Onlyvisiting · 14/01/2025 20:02

She doesn't sound a good fit for you. (And tbh sounds like a massive bellend...)
Can you find someone else? I've never had therapy but surely you need to feel comfortable enough with them to open up and tell them what you are thinking and feeling and trust them not to judge you, and to give you good advice in coping strategies etc. How can you do that with someone you dislike?

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:03

Miloarmadillo2 · 14/01/2025 19:52

Support worker, not social worker.

@UndertheCedartree It doesn’t sound like this is the right therapist for you.

I know! But it is NHS and I've waited 4.5 years so need to try and make it work!

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 14/01/2025 20:04

If it's the nhs will they even give you a different therapist? Or put you back in a queue for one that'll delay your progress?

If private or you can get an alternative therapist, I'd suggest that's the way forward.

If not try one more appointment with the therapist with your support worker sitting outside but close by if possible?

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:04

Screamingabdabz · 14/01/2025 19:52

“That therapy isn't a 3 way thing.”

I think this is the crux of it.

The thing is my support worker has actually been with people during the actual therapy many times. I however, don't need that. The was just sorting me in the initial meeting before the actual therapy begun!

OP posts:
Greywarden · 14/01/2025 20:05

I'm a therapist in the NHS.

What you describe sounds pretty bad. It sounds like this therapist dehumanised you by talking as though you were not there; did not listen to you well; did not explain herself to you well.

(I do, however, sometimes tell my clients that I'm curious to know XYZ... your post has made me think I need to teach myself to drop this phrase!)

I suppose it is possible that this therapist was just a bit thrown by your SW being there. I've certainly known people come for therapy and try to insist on family members or other professionals being with them even when this is not going to be a good idea for their therapy longer-term... although when this happens I still usually accept it for the first session or so as the client needs the chance to feel comfortable. I've also known family members not want my client to be free to speak to me privately and try to make sessions all about their agenda. It is possible your new therapist was worried about one of these things happening and that this was why they acted strangely.

It is also possible, as you say yourself, that she was anxious. Maybe she will turn out to have a lot to offer.

It was not a promising start though and I think you are completely right to have concerns. If you were my client, I'd love you to have the confidence to tell me in our next session that I made you feel uncomfortable last time and what you'd prefer me to do differently next time. However, I don't get the impression that your therapist has built the trust with you that would help you to feel comfortable enough to say something like that. I also appreciate that the power dynamic when you need support can make it very hard to speak out like that (I have also been a mental health patient and remember well not feeling comfortable and confident enough to be honest with one of my own therapists).

ILoveLeopard245 · 14/01/2025 20:05

It sounds like this relationship might not work for you - and that is entirely OK and it isn’t on you if that is the case. It is the therapists job to ensure you experience warmth, empathy and genuineness and it seems that is not what you felt in this interaction. That is not yours to carry- that’s the counsellor’s responsibility.

2025willbemytime · 14/01/2025 20:06

If a therapist has a problem with a Support worker sitting at the back of the room and saying nothing then that is on them. Find someone else. Maybe mention when you book you'll be bringing your SW so they know. If it is an issue they can tell you in the phone.

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:06

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 14/01/2025 19:54

Was this a private therapist? If so, sounds like she was out of her depth. Not equipped to deal with someone who has spent time in hospital and needs a support worker… I have a complex long term mental illness and have found most private therapist are only really for milder mental health issues.

It's NHS. And I've waited 4.5 years for it.

I think you may be right - she was out of her depth. I wonder if she was new.

Do you think I should speak to her manager or something?

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:08

username299 · 14/01/2025 19:55

The most important thing about therapy is your relationship with your therapist. If you can hardly understand her and she can't be bothered to get your name right, it's not going to work.

Arrange therapy with another therapist and speak to them first about your support worker.

It's NHS so I can't just change. I did ask about what happened if we weren't the right fit - she said we have to try and make it work.

OP posts:
Aglassaday · 14/01/2025 20:10

I think you may need a new therapist OP, this doesn’t sound normal at all. As someone who doesn’t have a support worker and hasn’t been impatient I have brought a friend multiple times to nhs therapy sessions as I didn’t feel I could manage it without. Therapist didn’t have an issue at all but we worked on weaning me off and I eventually managed to start going fully on my own. Wouldn’t have managed to get so much out of therapy if it wasn’t for this

username299 · 14/01/2025 20:11

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 20:08

It's NHS so I can't just change. I did ask about what happened if we weren't the right fit - she said we have to try and make it work.

Then you don't have much choice. Your support worker will have to stay in the waiting room. You can explain to the therapist that her use of jargon makes her difficult to understand and forgetting your name and speaking about you, like you're not there, made you feel very uncomfortable.

PsychoHotSauce · 14/01/2025 20:12

I know exactly why she had a problem with your SW being there. Accountability. The stupid woman couldn't even be bothered to get your name right, but it's fine to be sloppy when your clients are vulnerable and can't advocate for themselves, no one will ever know. Your SW on the other hand, can advocate for you and this "therapist" doesn't like being under a spotlight.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/01/2025 20:13

I wonder if it's worth speaking to PALS. You won't be the last person with a support worker that they see and there needs to be some training or a policy on how to work with this set up. It's no good then being so thrown by it that they can't be professional.