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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she was a bit rude/not empathetic?

152 replies

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 19:49

I can't quite put my finger on it so said rude/not empathetic but could be something else.

I had a first appointment with a therapist today. Been in this position many times and know the first appointment is just an introduction/talk about practicalities/see if we can work together - it doesn't always work out which I find hard as well as I struggle with new people.

So I asked my support worker (PA) to come with me to this appointment. She has supported clients with therapy many times before so it was no problem.

Therapist comes into waiting room and calls me by the wrong first name...I corrected her and introduced her to my support worker. She then addressed the support worker and told her 'stay here, I'll take her in'. It made me feel uncomfortable that she didn't speak to me and made me feel like an object with 'I'll take her in'. So I said 'I would like SW to come in with me.' Therapist ummed and ahhed over it. I told her I was within my rights to have my SW with me. Eventually she let us leave the waiting room and go into a private room. There she called me by the same incorrect name and when I corrected her just told me she sees a lot of people.

She then proceeds to talk to my SW about why she shouldn't be there. That therapy isn't a 3 way thing. Questions the dynamic between us etc. My SW explains her role to the therapist and that I'd asked her for support in this sutation and that it was a situation she was very familiar with. I make some comments but the therapist ignores me in favour of talking to my SW!

I try to explain to the therapist why I have asked for support for this session and explain going forwards I will mainly seek support from her after our sessions and possibly for her to support me to go to the session and be with me for 5 minutes at the beginning until I start to feel comfortable with the therapist. I may therefore ask her to wait for me in reception for a couple of sessions. My SW asked if we could agree that if I wanted her with me for 5 minutes at the beginning of the next session that, that was ok (to try to prevent such an awkward start next time.) She wouldn't agree to this.

She spoke in so much jargon. She didn't have to think about something she had to 'have a thought.' She was constantly 'curious' about things. I was 'holding on' to the idea of therapy = I wanted therapy. Just so much it was hard to understand her. I explained to her how I felt and she just kept asking again and again and I had to repeat myself 3 times. She then left a massive pause and asked if I felt sad...which was not what I had said at all! She didn't understand my use of 'in the community' (I.e not in hospital) when that is a completey normal turn of phrase!

She was then 'curious' as to how I could cope with therapy if my SW was in the waiting room. I just replied the same as anyone. And then I asked what would happen if at the end of the timescale she had given me we hadn't finished the work necessary and her reply was we would have to 'have a thought' about it.

It felt like she was highly anxious. She obviously had a problem with me having my SW with me, but if she hadn't been with me I would have walked out because tbh the therapist was really pissing me off!

This is part rant and part - do you think that this sounded a bit 'off'?I want to go into the next session knowing how to make this work better and how to deal with these kind of difficult situations.

OP posts:
trendingdiscuss · 15/01/2025 06:31

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trendingdiscuss · 15/01/2025 06:32

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Rachmorr57 · 15/01/2025 06:35

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LocalHer0e · 15/01/2025 06:35

Therapy isn't a 3 way street.

Pay for private therapy so you can bring your friend with you

AusMumhere · 15/01/2025 06:36

LocalHer0e · 15/01/2025 06:35

Therapy isn't a 3 way street.

Pay for private therapy so you can bring your friend with you

that's really unfair. She has complex issues, so has a support worker. Not a friend.

trendingdiscuss · 15/01/2025 06:37

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Agix · 15/01/2025 06:42

There are different types of therapies.

What OP describes would be highly unusual for CBT, for example, but a lot more understandable if it was Dynamic Psychotherapy.

Was it Dynamic Psychotherapy, OP? And have you ever had this before?

If yes, it's supposed to be just you and your therapist. There are supposed to be long pauses, lots of questions about your thoughts. Its actually rather supposed to make you uncomfortable.

But maybe it wasn't Dynamic Psychotherapy and your therapist wslas playing silly buggers pretending it was!

But even if it was, you're also supposed to like/trust your therapist, really. It's part of it, you're supposed to be able to trust them and that's their responsibility.

Your therapist could have handled your SW a LOT better even if it was not appropriate for her to be there during therapy. And as you said, it was an introductory meeting, I would have imagined you could have SW there and maybe therapist explain to you why it's important sessions be one-on-one to work. Like, explain nicely.

If this therapist made you feel awful, you can request a new one on NHS.

HolidayAtNight · 15/01/2025 07:42

LocalHer0e · 15/01/2025 06:35

Therapy isn't a 3 way street.

Pay for private therapy so you can bring your friend with you

Would you call a support worker for a physical disability a friend?

UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:03

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I actually find MN very helpful in sorting things like this out.

I'm not sure why you think people are uninformed. People answering are therapists or clients having had therapy.

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:06

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I've not had many. However, the 2 I have had were IAPT and then a Psychologist as a inpatient. So not under the same team.

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:08

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It may say it all but it's not true! 😂

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:09

IDontHateRainbows · 15/01/2025 06:29

Why should you drop the phrase 'I'm curious to know' on the basis thar OP doesn't like it? I think it's a perfectly fine way to speak.

It's not that I don't like it, it's just it was overused and not authentic in this particular case.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:10

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It meant I have many times been in a situation where I was expecting my therapy to start to find out actually I've just been put onto another waiting list etc.

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:12

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Clearly? Don't think you are as clear understanding as you think hence getting the completely wrong end of the stick!

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:13

LocalHer0e · 15/01/2025 06:35

Therapy isn't a 3 way street.

Pay for private therapy so you can bring your friend with you

Firstly, if you read correctly it wasn't my friend it was my PA/support worker.

And secondly, I've been advised I need to stay under the NHS.

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:16

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Interesting that it is you that is not understanding what I have written yet it is other people who are not 'thinking'. You clearly have no experience with this situation hence not understanding yet think your advice is above that of actual therapists! Mind blowing!

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Commonsense22 · 15/01/2025 10:20

OhBuggerandArse · 14/01/2025 20:15

This really is nonsense and a misunderstanding of how therapy works. A therapeutic relationship is one-on-one. Anyone else being there, support worker or not, will undermine it.

Expect it's not uncommon in an NHS setting to have a support worker attend.

I do think this therapist sounds absolutely awful, speaking to the SW rather than the patient is sheer incompetence as well as rude, and not learning the patient's name is awful too. If you're a therapist, that's the abc of the job.
Clearly she must know how bad she is and resent the scrutiny.

trendingdiscuss · 15/01/2025 10:22

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trendingdiscuss · 15/01/2025 10:23

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UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:24

Agix · 15/01/2025 06:42

There are different types of therapies.

What OP describes would be highly unusual for CBT, for example, but a lot more understandable if it was Dynamic Psychotherapy.

Was it Dynamic Psychotherapy, OP? And have you ever had this before?

If yes, it's supposed to be just you and your therapist. There are supposed to be long pauses, lots of questions about your thoughts. Its actually rather supposed to make you uncomfortable.

But maybe it wasn't Dynamic Psychotherapy and your therapist wslas playing silly buggers pretending it was!

But even if it was, you're also supposed to like/trust your therapist, really. It's part of it, you're supposed to be able to trust them and that's their responsibility.

Your therapist could have handled your SW a LOT better even if it was not appropriate for her to be there during therapy. And as you said, it was an introductory meeting, I would have imagined you could have SW there and maybe therapist explain to you why it's important sessions be one-on-one to work. Like, explain nicely.

If this therapist made you feel awful, you can request a new one on NHS.

Edited

It was a psychotherapy therapist. But just the initial appointment not actually starting the therapy. I have to wait a bit longer for it to start.

I've not had psychotherapy before however used to pauses, questions etc in other therapy. It was just this felt so forced and then when she said about me being sad after a super long pause when I'd not indicated that in anyway just felt like we didn't fit as I've never had this situation with the therapist being so off.

I don't know if I could ever trust this therapist, tbh. And yes, I agree. The thing was I was trying to tell her that I had her with me for the introductory meeting and why but she just didn't seem to get it. The crazy thing is I was planning to start the therapy without my SW but now I feel so uncomfortable I feel like I need support!

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:27

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Great! Bye!

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OhBuggerandArse · 15/01/2025 10:35

UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 10:24

It was a psychotherapy therapist. But just the initial appointment not actually starting the therapy. I have to wait a bit longer for it to start.

I've not had psychotherapy before however used to pauses, questions etc in other therapy. It was just this felt so forced and then when she said about me being sad after a super long pause when I'd not indicated that in anyway just felt like we didn't fit as I've never had this situation with the therapist being so off.

I don't know if I could ever trust this therapist, tbh. And yes, I agree. The thing was I was trying to tell her that I had her with me for the introductory meeting and why but she just didn't seem to get it. The crazy thing is I was planning to start the therapy without my SW but now I feel so uncomfortable I feel like I need support!

Oh for goodness sake. Therapy is not supposed to be comfortable. You are there to challenge yourself, and do the work that might enable you to gain a better understanding of yourself and your situation. Over the last two days you have put an enormous amount of work, focus and attention into telling everybody here why you can't possibly do that and why the therapist is wrong and you are right and why you can't possibly work with her. Perhaps if you focused some of that energy onto getting yourself a) into the room without diversionary tactics and b) into the frame of mind where you might learn something about yourself, you might be able to benefit from what she has to offer. Which, by the way, she has both the right and the professional duty to organise in line with her training and practice rather than in response to arbitrary demands from patients which may do more damage than good.

NameChanges123 · 15/01/2025 10:40

Well, the whole thing sounds all wrong from your perspective. If the initial meeting was so uncomfortable then I'd seriously consider not continuing unless there's no other option.

Therapy/counselling shouldn't feel so negative. Getting your name wrong was a bad start!!

UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 12:25

OhBuggerandArse · 15/01/2025 10:35

Oh for goodness sake. Therapy is not supposed to be comfortable. You are there to challenge yourself, and do the work that might enable you to gain a better understanding of yourself and your situation. Over the last two days you have put an enormous amount of work, focus and attention into telling everybody here why you can't possibly do that and why the therapist is wrong and you are right and why you can't possibly work with her. Perhaps if you focused some of that energy onto getting yourself a) into the room without diversionary tactics and b) into the frame of mind where you might learn something about yourself, you might be able to benefit from what she has to offer. Which, by the way, she has both the right and the professional duty to organise in line with her training and practice rather than in response to arbitrary demands from patients which may do more damage than good.

I'm fully aware of the difference between therapy being difficult and feeling so uncomfortable with a therapist that you would be unlikely to be able to get any work done with them.

And no, I've not done that at all. I wonder what your experience is of therapy as to have such views? You're completely off the mark like this therapist. Most haven't seen it your way including actual therapists.

And perhaps your energy would be used better on another thread?

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2025 12:26

NameChanges123 · 15/01/2025 10:40

Well, the whole thing sounds all wrong from your perspective. If the initial meeting was so uncomfortable then I'd seriously consider not continuing unless there's no other option.

Therapy/counselling shouldn't feel so negative. Getting your name wrong was a bad start!!

I think this is why it's going around in my head so much. It just felt so wrong.

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