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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she was a bit rude/not empathetic?

152 replies

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2025 19:49

I can't quite put my finger on it so said rude/not empathetic but could be something else.

I had a first appointment with a therapist today. Been in this position many times and know the first appointment is just an introduction/talk about practicalities/see if we can work together - it doesn't always work out which I find hard as well as I struggle with new people.

So I asked my support worker (PA) to come with me to this appointment. She has supported clients with therapy many times before so it was no problem.

Therapist comes into waiting room and calls me by the wrong first name...I corrected her and introduced her to my support worker. She then addressed the support worker and told her 'stay here, I'll take her in'. It made me feel uncomfortable that she didn't speak to me and made me feel like an object with 'I'll take her in'. So I said 'I would like SW to come in with me.' Therapist ummed and ahhed over it. I told her I was within my rights to have my SW with me. Eventually she let us leave the waiting room and go into a private room. There she called me by the same incorrect name and when I corrected her just told me she sees a lot of people.

She then proceeds to talk to my SW about why she shouldn't be there. That therapy isn't a 3 way thing. Questions the dynamic between us etc. My SW explains her role to the therapist and that I'd asked her for support in this sutation and that it was a situation she was very familiar with. I make some comments but the therapist ignores me in favour of talking to my SW!

I try to explain to the therapist why I have asked for support for this session and explain going forwards I will mainly seek support from her after our sessions and possibly for her to support me to go to the session and be with me for 5 minutes at the beginning until I start to feel comfortable with the therapist. I may therefore ask her to wait for me in reception for a couple of sessions. My SW asked if we could agree that if I wanted her with me for 5 minutes at the beginning of the next session that, that was ok (to try to prevent such an awkward start next time.) She wouldn't agree to this.

She spoke in so much jargon. She didn't have to think about something she had to 'have a thought.' She was constantly 'curious' about things. I was 'holding on' to the idea of therapy = I wanted therapy. Just so much it was hard to understand her. I explained to her how I felt and she just kept asking again and again and I had to repeat myself 3 times. She then left a massive pause and asked if I felt sad...which was not what I had said at all! She didn't understand my use of 'in the community' (I.e not in hospital) when that is a completey normal turn of phrase!

She was then 'curious' as to how I could cope with therapy if my SW was in the waiting room. I just replied the same as anyone. And then I asked what would happen if at the end of the timescale she had given me we hadn't finished the work necessary and her reply was we would have to 'have a thought' about it.

It felt like she was highly anxious. She obviously had a problem with me having my SW with me, but if she hadn't been with me I would have walked out because tbh the therapist was really pissing me off!

This is part rant and part - do you think that this sounded a bit 'off'?I want to go into the next session knowing how to make this work better and how to deal with these kind of difficult situations.

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 17/01/2025 01:10

OhBuggerandArse · 15/01/2025 10:35

Oh for goodness sake. Therapy is not supposed to be comfortable. You are there to challenge yourself, and do the work that might enable you to gain a better understanding of yourself and your situation. Over the last two days you have put an enormous amount of work, focus and attention into telling everybody here why you can't possibly do that and why the therapist is wrong and you are right and why you can't possibly work with her. Perhaps if you focused some of that energy onto getting yourself a) into the room without diversionary tactics and b) into the frame of mind where you might learn something about yourself, you might be able to benefit from what she has to offer. Which, by the way, she has both the right and the professional duty to organise in line with her training and practice rather than in response to arbitrary demands from patients which may do more damage than good.

I hope you're not a therapist yourself, given the tone you are taking with OP.

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2025 20:54

FurryBalonz · 17/01/2025 01:00

There does need to be trust between client and therapist before that challenging can even start.

Arbitrary reasons? I wouldn't say it's arbitrary for a vulnerable adult to need a SW there for the first session. It can be very daunting starting therapy when you have Complex needs. Trust is often difficult for us.

That said, I can understand why some therapists don't want that dynamic. It may be that it depends on the type of therapy.

@UndertheCedartree I am someone with complex needs, mostly around diagnosed complex trauma and BPD, and as yet undiagnosed possible autistic traits. I've had years of therapy both on NHS (DBT) and also charity and private based trauma therapies, so I 'm a bit of a veteran of the system, as it were. I never did take my SW actually into sessions but I can see why some may need or want one there. I certainly did a fair bit of debriefing with my SW about what went on in sessions. I can understand needing another set of ears and eyes there to assess if the therapist may or may not be a good fit for you too. I don't think YABU to have concerns . It does seem like she may not be the right fit for you, perhaps try next week, see how that goes? I understand the fear and frustrations around a long wait for therapy and being in the system long term, it's not an easy journey at all. I wish you all the best.

@Rachmorr57 I find your attitude a little rude. I don't wish to start a fight, it's late and I need to be in bed, but I don't like seeing the piling on @UndertheCedartree is getting. You appear to be making assumptions about Cedartree that are unkind and based on very little.

please be kind. There is a human being at the other side of the screen.

Thank you. Unfortunately as I'm sure you've found some people seem to view those of us with mental illnesses/ASD etc. as barely human.

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