To think she was a bit rude/not empathetic?

[UndertheCedartree]

I can't quite put my finger on it so said rude/not empathetic but could be something else.

I had a first appointment with a therapist today. Been in this position many times and know the first appointment is just an introduction/talk about practicalities/see if we can work together - it doesn't always work out which I find hard as well as I struggle with new people.

So I asked my support worker (PA) to come with me to this appointment. She has supported clients with therapy many times before so it was no problem.

Therapist comes into waiting room and calls me by the wrong first name...I corrected her and introduced her to my support worker. She then addressed the support worker and told her 'stay here, I'll take her in'. It made me feel uncomfortable that she didn't speak to me and made me feel like an object with 'I'll take her in'. So I said 'I would like SW to come in with me.' Therapist ummed and ahhed over it. I told her I was within my rights to have my SW with me. Eventually she let us leave the waiting room and go into a private room. There she called me by the same incorrect name and when I corrected her just told me she sees a lot of people.

She then proceeds to talk to my SW about why she shouldn't be there. That therapy isn't a 3 way thing. Questions the dynamic between us etc. My SW explains her role to the therapist and that I'd asked her for support in this sutation and that it was a situation she was very familiar with. I make some comments but the therapist ignores me in favour of talking to my SW!

I try to explain to the therapist why I have asked for support for this session and explain going forwards I will mainly seek support from her after our sessions and possibly for her to support me to go to the session and be with me for 5 minutes at the beginning until I start to feel comfortable with the therapist. I may therefore ask her to wait for me in reception for a couple of sessions. My SW asked if we could agree that if I wanted her with me for 5 minutes at the beginning of the next session that, that was ok (to try to prevent such an awkward start next time.) She wouldn't agree to this.

She spoke in so much jargon. She didn't have to think about something she had to 'have a thought.' She was constantly 'curious' about things. I was 'holding on' to the idea of therapy = I wanted therapy. Just so much it was hard to understand her. I explained to her how I felt and she just kept asking again and again and I had to repeat myself 3 times. She then left a massive pause and asked if I felt sad...which was not what I had said at all! She didn't understand my use of 'in the community' (I.e not in hospital) when that is a completey normal turn of phrase!

She was then 'curious' as to how I could cope with therapy if my SW was in the waiting room. I just replied the same as anyone. And then I asked what would happen if at the end of the timescale she had given me we hadn't finished the work necessary and her reply was we would have to 'have a thought' about it.

It felt like she was highly anxious. She obviously had a problem with me having my SW with me, but if she hadn't been with me I would have walked out because tbh the therapist was really pissing me off!

This is part rant and part - do you think that this sounded a bit 'off'?I want to go into the next session knowing how to make this work better and how to deal with these kind of difficult situations.

It might be valuable, as you approach therapy with this therapist or another in the future, to consider your own role in how this all played out, and what the underlying reasons might be.

Well plenty do. Including my Psychologist who was highly educated and experienced.

I think a therapist who would be spooked by this is certainly inexperienced if not just not very good.

I made it clear that I asked my SW to come to our initial meeting before therapy has started. I was only planning for her to come to this meeting but to meet her afterwards from then on. Which is so completely normal. It was only as she made me so uncomfortable I asked for the 5 minutes.
I just hope you aren't a therapist!

Actually this has made me determined to speak up for my needs. If she can't meet them I'll ask for someone else.

I have had several bouts of NHS therapy and the therapist sounds not ok.

First appointment is usually fact checking etc so no issue taking a SW in with you, and it's so anxiety inducing that first session I complete get why you wanted them there.

I know. I wonder if she is new.

The way the therapist behaved was thoroughly unprofessional. I think the way she behaved wasnt just "a bit rude" but very rude indeed. I would 100% refuse to be in a room with her again. So much so that I think it would be worth putting in a complaint.

A support worker that sits there silently throughout (only saying a few words if you ask her too)shouldnt be a problem at all imho - not if it makes you the client feel more at ease.

As I explained I find new people difficult to meet with. Also often you go into an appointment expecting to be starting therapy and you just get stuck on another waiting list which can be very hard to deal with.

Yes, I've done so in sessions in the past and my SW told me she has supported many clients in this way too. I know other people who have done so too. It's very normal.

The ableism on this thread is appalling. How dare these people think it's okay to impose their exclusionary attitude on you. I am a therapist and my job is to make my clients comfortable, feel safe and be able to trust me so I can help them. I totally agree that this therapist doesn't like the accountability. Stand your ground or speak to Pals. Make a complaint if you have to. You are absolutely not the problem here, I'm so sorry this person made you feel like that.

The kind of uninformed cheerleading going on here is really not helpful to the OP. If she is to have any hope of getting past what looks like a pretty successful attempt at self-sabotage, people who weren't there, don't know her or the therapist, or understand what the therapeutic process involves, should stop telling her that she's justified in going all guns blazing to make complaints or have her therapist re-educated.

This thread has helped me reflect. I realise it was ok for me to ask for my needs to be met. It is also OK for me to expect the therapist to treat me courteously. I will definitely raise this with the service and see what they suggest.

Yes, exactly. It is just a first introduction and admin basically.

I've worked in this field and you absolutely have the right to bring someone to your appointment. I think it's ideal that family members don't attend beyond the first session, if that's who you bring, because it could stop someone opening up properly, but that's not my choice to make. If the therapist has insecurities about being observed, they need to put that aside and focus on the client needs. They can work through that issue in supervision.

For some reason I particularly cringed at the 'I see lots of people' when she got your name wrong again. That feels impersonal to me.

I think your support worker is reasonable when she says to give it one more go. If it doesn't feel good then, maybe your support worker can advocate for another therapist to be assigned?

@UndertheCedartree i am surprised it was the NHS! You’d expect the therapist to have been referred from your community team and to have access to your notes, sounds like she was floundering. Anyone saying you shouldn’t have your SW with you is talking nonsense, I’ve had mine with me at psychiatrists appointments because they make me nervous so it’s not unusual at all. I’m really sorry this happened to you, it’s so disappointing when you’ve waited years for this and you’ve been let down like this.sorry if you’ve already answered this I have had time to read all the post but what did your support think about it?

Thank you so much. I came on this thread feeling in my heart it was all my fault but now I realise I was falling into that trap again! It is ok to ask for my needs to be met.

What are your qualifications then?

You seem the uninformed one to be honest. With very rigid thought patterns.

screaming abdabz is right, It really isn't a three way thing. Therapy is a relationship between two people and for therapy to be successful there has to be a good relationship. I think it would be awkward as hell to have a support worker in there as well. Definitely not the norm. I think you need to be upfront with the next therapist and ask if they are happy to do therapy in this way. I would be inclined to say that not many would agree to this. How can you get to the deepest parts of your soul with someone in the room who you see every day I presume? Things come up in therapy that you have never told another living person. I would seriously consider this OP. Why do you need your SW there??

In all honesty she made me feel like I was an object not a person.

I really do want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But she has made me feel so uncomfortable going next time will be 10x worse and I will need some support.

But yes, I will do that, thank you.

It's not uncommon. Type it into chatgpt. You're behind the evidence base.

I’ve had NHS therapy and you are within your rights to ask for a different therapist, I did when I felt it wasn’t a good fit and I wouldn’t be able to be honest and open with the person. Speak to the manager, the one I dealt with was very understanding.
The name thing is rude, mistakes happen but “I see so many people” is just dismissive. I hope you get to see someone who makes you feel heard and understood. The right therapist can be life changing.

OP has repeatedly stated why she needs additional support

My support worker wasn't very happy with the situation. She was concerned about the therapist talking to her rather than me, making a big deal of a normal situation etc. She checked in that her understanding of the situation was the same as mine. She did say that we should give her another chance next time and try to start afresh but if it still didn't work we could take it from there.

Can you ask for another therapist as this one sounds out of her depth and not right for you

'Third party relationships can be challenging for therapy, and the
complexity alongside safeguarding, autonomy, ‘vulnerable adult’ status
(and for some, the Mental Capacity Act 2005) means it is advisable to seek
additional specialist supervisory and legal support.'
From the BACP policy on working with disability not chat GPT.
She needs to ask upfront if the therapist is happy to do it this way.

This is discrimination. Would you say the same to someone with learning disabilities? Do you think therapy should only be accessed by people with no support needs!?

Lots of people with additional needs, whether that’s health, learning or mental health need support workers. That shouldn’t mean they can’t use a therapist!

I would be tempted to speak to the service manager to see if there's a better fit for you. Approach it calmly and kindly and as you have here

I had a course of about 10 sessions with a psychologist I really didn't gel with and I got very little out of it due to her abrasive nature and instance on banging on about something that really wasn't an issue - I'd explained that I've boycotted Tesco due to poor service and she dedicated 3 whole sessions to setting goals about why I can't go to Tesco. She wouldn't believe that I can, that I'm choosing not to and I'm within my rights to spend my money where the service is better. I couldn't have been any clearer but she invented a whole phobia about it in her mind and set me homework to go and buy a banana at Tesco. In the end I lied to get her off my back. At the end of the sessions she hovered over me whilst I completed the anxiety and depression scales and tried to persuade me to give better scores.

When I asked my psychiatrist to refer me for more psychology she said she couldn't because I'd already had a course. In retrospect the relationship with the psychologist was pretty rocky from the start, I never felt comfy with her and she seemed to misunderstand my issues despite me explaining as clearly as I could. I really wish I'd asked to change because I'd waited years and now I've lost that chance.

In the end I opted for private counselling which is cheaper than private psychology. It doesn't do what the psychology sessions should have, but I've got a really trusting relationship with my counsellor and have made a lot of progress as a result. Way more than I did with the psychologist.

It might also be worth speaking to the service manager about your needs and wish to have your SW with you for the first session and 5 minutes settling time in the next few until you're comfy. That isn't a bonkers request and he/she can hopefully pair you with a therapist who understands your needs.