Friends cancelled wedding

Newlywedgal · 2025-01-14T19:29:21+00:00

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute. The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues. The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc. The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'. The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far. I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day. A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since. I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events. I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again. YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out YANBU just let them go Thanks

Eldermillenialyogi · 14/01/2025 19:30

I wouldn't speak to them especially if they couldn't be bothered to reply to your message.

Lobsterteapot · 14/01/2025 19:32

Let em go op. They’ve showed you who they are

WickWood · 14/01/2025 19:36

Your friend asked if she could look after your husbands elderly family? Have I read that right?

Original poster

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:41

WickWood · 14/01/2025 19:36

Your friend asked if she could look after your husbands elderly family? Have I read that right?

Yes the morning of the day before the wedding she was offering to help the elderly people attending the wedding - she even messaged my husband to ask if they needed a hand with anything

OP posts:

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 14/01/2025 19:44

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:41

Yes the morning of the day before the wedding she was offering to help the elderly people attending the wedding - she even messaged my husband to ask if they needed a hand with anything

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Not nice at all. Imagine if you had accepted and the elderly person was then relying on the proffered support. Not nice behaviour at all.

strawkymim · 14/01/2025 19:45

Several people cancelled on my wedding.

A couple of people had cancelled train issues, another had their car shunted 5 mins from their house.

I've missed a wedding before and was absolutely gutted about it, I felt terrible and was in tears about letting my friend down.

I wouldn't cut off the people with logistical problems. The headache friend id be mighty pissed off with, take some ibuprofen/aspirin.

Ponoka7 · 14/01/2025 19:46

Where were they travelling from and were the trains in a mess? Was the one who missed her 6pm train coming from work? I wouldn't lump them all together. Definitely drop the one who made the wealthy comment.

Original poster

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:49

strawkymim · 14/01/2025 19:45

Several people cancelled on my wedding.

A couple of people had cancelled train issues, another had their car shunted 5 mins from their house.

I've missed a wedding before and was absolutely gutted about it, I felt terrible and was in tears about letting my friend down.

I wouldn't cut off the people with logistical problems. The headache friend id be mighty pissed off with, take some ibuprofen/aspirin.

Interestingly she is the one I am majorly affected by

She missed her train because she was late, excuse of the other one was 'transport issues' - very vague so could have been something she did not want to share

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Anywherebuthere · 14/01/2025 19:51

Let them go. Not because they cancelled. The reasons could have been genuine but because they have not bothered to reply.

I'd just quietly let them go. Leave it to them to be the first to initiate contact for now. You know where you stand if they never do.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 14/01/2025 19:54

These are all crap reasons to cancel - the friend with a headache should have taken a couple of paracetamol, the friend who missed the train should have got a coach, or driven, or paid for a taxi, ditto the friend with “transport issues”. Your wedding really shows you who is willing to show up for you and you always get a couple of people behaving strangely.

One of my SIL’s friends attended her hen do (so quite a close friend!) and then just didn’t show up on the wedding day, never sent apologies and SIL hasn’t heard from her since!

I would wait and see if they reach out to you - but I wouldn’t be making any special effort with them!

Original poster

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:59

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 14/01/2025 19:54

These are all crap reasons to cancel - the friend with a headache should have taken a couple of paracetamol, the friend who missed the train should have got a coach, or driven, or paid for a taxi, ditto the friend with “transport issues”. Your wedding really shows you who is willing to show up for you and you always get a couple of people behaving strangely.

One of my SIL’s friends attended her hen do (so quite a close friend!) and then just didn’t show up on the wedding day, never sent apologies and SIL hasn’t heard from her since!

I would wait and see if they reach out to you - but I wouldn’t be making any special effort with them!

I have heard stories like this before too - people just not turning up.

I have a very good friend who kindly told me to almost expect it - she told me people will surprise you and to brace myself. I got to the morning the day before the wedding and thought I had got aware with this bizarre behaviour.

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Twinklytoots · 14/01/2025 20:06

I’d let them go, one of those things best not to dwell on. You raise a really interesting point though. Ive known a few people who when invited to things, go overboard (to an odd awkward extent) on what can they bring, what they can help with, thinking of the smallest or left field things that could go wrong and how they could personally resolve it for you. With loads of messages before the event becoming really irritating but you can’t say anything because it’s all so supportive and kind. You half expect a band in tow and fireworks going off upon their arrival. Then on the day they just don’t show, either blanking you or really flimsy excuse.

I remember it happening to a friend of mine and she was so pissed off, not because the person couldn’t make it but that so much time had been invested in dealing with their ‘excitement and support’. I could never fathom out why they did it. Love to know why. You are not alone OP!

Original poster

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 20:09

Twinklytoots · 14/01/2025 20:06

I’d let them go, one of those things best not to dwell on. You raise a really interesting point though. Ive known a few people who when invited to things, go overboard (to an odd awkward extent) on what can they bring, what they can help with, thinking of the smallest or left field things that could go wrong and how they could personally resolve it for you. With loads of messages before the event becoming really irritating but you can’t say anything because it’s all so supportive and kind. You half expect a band in tow and fireworks going off upon their arrival. Then on the day they just don’t show, either blanking you or really flimsy excuse.

I remember it happening to a friend of mine and she was so pissed off, not because the person couldn’t make it but that so much time had been invested in dealing with their ‘excitement and support’. I could never fathom out why they did it. Love to know why. You are not alone OP!

It was very interesting - all the people who were messaging me asking me lots of questions prior to the event texting constantly did not show up. Older friends who I hear from once or twice a month and I only heard a quick 'do you need anything' the morning or day before - ALL showed up and made a massive effort to stay and dance until the end.

I have had friends in the past who texted with similar pattern who have ended up toxic, so maybe there is something in it.

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tigger1001 · 14/01/2025 20:10

Things happen. I wouldn't drop them as friends because they didn't turn up at my wedding. But woukd phase them out if not replying yo texts etc.

The one thing I thought was a little odd was your friend messaging the night before asking how you met your husband. Did she not know that?

InWithThePlums · 14/01/2025 20:12

A headache is a fucking rubbish excuse for missing a wedding. She could at least have said she had a head splitting migraine. Or norovirus.

Original poster

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 20:12

tigger1001 · 14/01/2025 20:10

Things happen. I wouldn't drop them as friends because they didn't turn up at my wedding. But woukd phase them out if not replying yo texts etc.

The one thing I thought was a little odd was your friend messaging the night before asking how you met your husband. Did she not know that?

I had told her many times - she just wanted to hear it again.

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Mauro711 · 14/01/2025 20:13

It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close to your friends who cancelled if they don’t know who your husband is, where you are going to live etc. I don’t think you’ll notice if you drop them after this.

olympicsrock · 14/01/2025 20:18

It’s possible that they haven’t been in touch because they feel so incredibly guilty about letting you down.
There is an ADHD issue where you feel incredibly guilty about messing things up / missing something important Ana the worse you feel about it , you become paralyzed by guilt and can’t contact that person / open the letter / dial the number / go to a place you might see them.
It’s reasonable not to go to a wedding with a terrible headache. It’s crap not to come because you missed a train . That says that the wedding was not important enough to you to get your shit together.

If they were really special friends you could reach out and text “Happy New Year!” How are you ? but I wouldn’t blame you for not doing . If you send a message you will always know that you tried and will know for sure that you have lost nothing if they don’t reply.

It’s incredibly painful to lose friends like this.

Eldermillenialyogi · 14/01/2025 20:19

olympicsrock · 14/01/2025 20:18

It’s possible that they haven’t been in touch because they feel so incredibly guilty about letting you down.
There is an ADHD issue where you feel incredibly guilty about messing things up / missing something important Ana the worse you feel about it , you become paralyzed by guilt and can’t contact that person / open the letter / dial the number / go to a place you might see them.
It’s reasonable not to go to a wedding with a terrible headache. It’s crap not to come because you missed a train . That says that the wedding was not important enough to you to get your shit together.

If they were really special friends you could reach out and text “Happy New Year!” How are you ? but I wouldn’t blame you for not doing . If you send a message you will always know that you tried and will know for sure that you have lost nothing if they don’t reply.

It’s incredibly painful to lose friends like this.

Are you suggesting they all have ADHD?

daisydaughter · 14/01/2025 20:19

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. How frequently were you in contact prior to your engagement? Everyone has been busy over Christmas and has things going on in their own lives.

Are you suspecting the ones with transport issues made it up?

The friend with the headache sounds like she gave a rather lame excuse, but then she also sounds like she has her own issues and may be fighting her own demons.

Friends aren't easy to come by. I wouldn’t dump mine based on what you have described. But then, if you are so prepared to just ‘let them go’, maybe they weren't that important to you anyway?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/01/2025 20:21

What was your frends conversation with your man like?

To sound super interested and then be suddenly unable to come is weird of her

Anyway, you're far better off without these people as they couldn't be arsed to get in touch with you after the wedding and after you reached out

The trash has taken itself out and you're free to mske some new friends

I know it's hard but you're not missing out on anything. Maybe it's a blessing as I get weird vibes about your friend who was asking about your dh family and messaging him

Congratulations on finding the one - let them go, you're gonna be just fine x

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 14/01/2025 20:24

Is this just not showing up at weddings a fairly new phenomenon? We got married in the 80's as did most of our friends.
These no shows for the whole day & night do's didn't seem to happen back then.

Ineedaweebutitswarmhere · 14/01/2025 20:25

They cant be that close of friends to you it they had a) never met your fiancé before your wedding b) didn’t know where you would be living post wedding c) didn’t know the plans of your honeymoon- I could go on.

I suspect they saw your follow up text as a roundabout way to ask for the wedding gift..

getting married near Christmas is a serious headache for most guests - it’s such an expensive time. They could of cancelled earlier but you also could of been more selective with your invites, instead of inviting some randoms you kind of know, you should of invited people you actually know

Nc261224 · 14/01/2025 20:27

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 20:12

I had told her many times - she just wanted to hear it again.

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Very strange! Is she one of those friends that doesn't actually listen to what you say? In a way every time you meet has to be about her?
I have (had?) one that would ask me where I was working now and act surprised that I had changed jobs (we met at our previous job). I had told her 3 times. I just slowly phased her out.
Regarding your no shows, I'd leave it upto them to contact you next and take it from there.

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 14/01/2025 20:28

Twinklytoots · 14/01/2025 20:06

I’d let them go, one of those things best not to dwell on. You raise a really interesting point though. Ive known a few people who when invited to things, go overboard (to an odd awkward extent) on what can they bring, what they can help with, thinking of the smallest or left field things that could go wrong and how they could personally resolve it for you. With loads of messages before the event becoming really irritating but you can’t say anything because it’s all so supportive and kind. You half expect a band in tow and fireworks going off upon their arrival. Then on the day they just don’t show, either blanking you or really flimsy excuse.

I remember it happening to a friend of mine and she was so pissed off, not because the person couldn’t make it but that so much time had been invested in dealing with their ‘excitement and support’. I could never fathom out why they did it. Love to know why. You are not alone OP!

This is so true! I have a friend who does this so often we refer to it at the Excitement Matrix: the more excited she is beforehand (via social media, text message etc), the less likely she is to attend! It’s become a bit of a joke now! At least it has lowered our expectations!