Friends cancelled wedding

[Newlywedgal]

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute.

The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues.

The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc.

The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'.

The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far.

I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day.

A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since.

I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events.

I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again.

YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out
YANBU just let them go

Thanks

Oh @Sparklybanana - that does sound as if she was battling one or some of the ‘big feelings’ I mentioned above.

The fact that you were her best friend was probably significant. You had a particular, longstanding relationship with her and for whatever reason, she obviously couldn’t bear the impending alteration. It’s such a shame, though.

Absolutely bollocks to that.

I may get socially anxious before I turn up but I always turn up and do my very best for my friends.

Stop making every shitty behaviour about adhd. It's not! We aren't a hive mind.

Was it the reception they missed? Or cement and meal? I feel like its not such a big deal if it’s just the reception really.. obviously they should have text you back, and asked how you are and how the day went etc. I wouldn’t necessarily reach out to these people, but I also wouldn’t say I would never speak to them again either

That is so rude .

Absolutely let them go. You do not flake on a wedding. If they can't be bothered to turn up to one the biggest days of your life, they're not worth having in your life full stop. We've flown back from a holiday already booked to attend a wedding as husband was part of the bridal party and it was all quite last minute because of Covid, paid through the nose for babysitters when family couldn't look after kids because we didn't want to let friends down, had to swallow the expense of a hotel alone when I suddenly had to attend solo after an awful breakup the day before, gone to several weddings on New Year's Eve so hotels etc were super expensive... and the flip side of this is that friends have shown up for us in return. You don't have to tolerate shit, flaky friends. But don't let it get you down, enjoy newlywed life and focus on all of the wonderful family and friends in your life who did show up and who were there to share your special day with you

anyone moaning about the ‘headache’ one has clearly never seen what a bad migraine can do to someone, literally put them out of action for 12-24 hours, crying in pain, not being able to sleep, no amount of pills, prescribed or otherwise offering any release from the pain.

I think so too! We got married just over 10 years ago and people just not showing up was unheard of

I have atttended about 20 weddings + and find peoples excuses baffling EG “I willl have a 5 month old I can’t go” when babies are welcome and included on the invite. I went to 6 weddings at various stages of my 3rd babies first 6 months of life (it was exhausting and expensive) but so important to show up for people I care about. The only wedding we missed was when my 8 weeks old was having a lumbar puncture and admitted for 4 days very sick. Aside from that the excuses you were given OP @Newlywedgal were lame and mostly avoidable. I would be really hurt, A at the lack of effort and consideration. 2 B) the friendship equivalent of love bolting and C) the no contact from “friends”

If I were you I would leave the relationship and wait for them to move first. If they don’t you know where are stand

I am sorry this happened and you are hurt. Hope you had a wonderful day and got to enjoy it with the people that did attend.

@Newlywedgal People just not turning up or calling off on the day really bugs me. Do these people not realise how much expense has went into paying for their attendance. My dd had 8 not turn up on the day and a few more who cancelled during the week before.

She had had to limit numbers as the venue was smallish. Luckily we managed to upgrade some of those who were originally only evening guests, to take the place of those cancelling prior to the day, but there is nothing you can do when people just don’t turn up!

She found out later, that one couple were abroad on holiday, so were never going to be coming, despite accepting the invite and sending their meal choices! Another couple had also booked a room, which was supposed to be paid beforehand, but asked dd if she could just pay it and they would give her the money on the day. Dd had paid, so she was out of pocket with that as well. She sent them the invoice for the room and has never heard from them since. However with that and the cost for those who didn’t turn up, she ended up paying out over £1k for nothing. People who do this are so ignorant, I’m sure they wouldn’t like to just throw that amount of money away.

The holiday couple did that out of pure spite . The one who didn't pay for their room had no intention of paying . Yes a wedding brings the claws out .

OP a similar thing happened to me - my best friends at the time came to my wedding but none of them even got me so much as a congratulations card! They were my bridesmaids! All left fairly early in the evening which I sort of understood because of the distance to their homes but I was really sad they hadn't even gone to the effort of writing a 'congrats on your wedding' card. I was devastated as had made such an effort buying their bridesmaids outfits for the day, really thinking about gifts I could get for them they could always keep etc. 2 out of 3 of them I haven't seen since my wedding. The other apologised for not making an effort and we grew close again. I have said here before when someone posted something similar that there is something about a wedding / people being happy / a couple having their special day that really seems to irritate the cr*p out of some people and they find they cannot be happy for you and celebrate. Just bizarre and very hurtful at the time and it did take the shine off the aftermath of my wedding tbh but I always say in this sort of situation, it is better to find out sooner rather than later whether people are worth having around. My husband goes by the view that most friends aren't really your friends and situations like this do prove that sad viewpoint to be true!

I got married in 2000 in the middle of a petrol strike and so had a lot of cancellations last minute from friends who just could not get there/had to save petrol for work as they didn't know when they could fill up again.

Every single one of them sent me a card after to apologise. Things happen (although cancelling last minute on a wedding obviously costs the B&G £££) but in this case it's the way they've handled it that would sting. Not nice people, or at the very least, people with very poor manners.

Correct. Migraines have a totally debilitating effect on my life and when I have an attach there is no way I could go to a wedding.

Yes, they knew they were going to not attend and overcompensated before hand to make it look like they intended to go.

Seriously? It’s not the guests’ fault for not turning up when they’d accepted the invitation - it’s OP’s fault for inviting them in the first place? Crackers.

This is interesting. I can remember a couple of occasions in the past where “friends” have been really excited about coming to a party I’m hosting, only to not show up without explanation. One was heavily involved in the planning and waxed lyrical about how much she was looking forward to seeing my house. When she didn’t turn up and wasn’t answering her phone, I honestly thought something terrible had happened. I eventually got a “Oh yeah, sorry - had a heavy night the night before and just crashed out” text. Ridiculous.

If only it was possible to turn down an invitation…

We were the type of friends that phoned each other the moment we got home from spending the day together. She was my person for many years which is why I'm still not really over it despite so many years.

You will of course feel sad and that’s understandable but as you get older, you will realise that you don’t need people like this in your life. Put your effort into people who deserve it

As per my previous post, I'm totally on OP's side. It's thoughtless and spineless to cancel attendance at an event at the last minute. And sorry but I don't always buy the excuse of last-minute incapacity, due to health or transport or whatever - depends how much I trust the person.

However, just to view things from the other side for a moment: I think some people find it almost impossible to decline an invitation. Because the message from society is that to be considered successful, you have to have a busy social life full of friends, travel and 'adventures'. And it takes quite a lot of social intelligence, honesty, self-awareness and courage to admit that you can't cope with that, for whatever reason (maybe it's a physical or mental health issue. Maybe you panic at the thought of being in unfamiliar surroundings meeting unfamiliar people. Maybe you simply can't afford it, or the logistics defeat you).

If you're not socially confident to start with - ie you can't tell someone straight out you won't attend - you'll fall back on avoidance strategies which come across as pretty odd. Which might explain the unusually high level of interaction and enthusiasm before an event like a wedding. Some posters have called this overcompensating and I think there's definitely something in that.

I think it's partly because people have less experience of weddings.

BIL got married a few months ago and a relation didn't turn up because his 10 year old decided on the morning that he really, really wanted to go to football instead. They rocked up to the night do.

It was only when their aunt pointed out that one adult meal and two kids meals had gone to waste (they only messaged about 20 mins before) and had cost BIL a fair chunk that the relation thought about the cost side.

Yes, it's interesting...and I thought the same as we had one of these at our wedding. Lots of questions over small details then last minute cancellation.

I think these people might be narcissists. It's their way of making themselves the centre of attention. There is certainly something weird going on with them.

Sounds like the questions in the run up were to prep you for them cancelling. They probably thought if they showed a lot of interest and enthusiasm for the wedding then you wouldn’t suspect that their excuses were bullshit when they finally made them as they were soooo excited it must be genuine. You’re well rid and congratulations!

Very true but surely if it was a migraine they’d have said? They wouldn’t underplay it and say headache when the real reason is much more understandable.

That's awful , the only time I accepted and couldn't attend was a sudden death the morning of a wedding . I wouldn't be interested in keeping up with people who let me down so badly .

On our wedding I had - bridesmaid that was demoted to a guest as she just went no contact for a while, then she told me and other bridesmaids she can't wait to see us tomorrow and then didn't show up on the day! 😆 we haven't spoke since! Never found out what happened.

Guest from abroad - done his Achilles few weeks before, cancelled 3 days before the weeding.

Guest from not abroad - I think we had 3 thay cancelled, various reasons, all very last minute dot com.

The venue coordinator was amazing, they shuffled everything around, zero stress.

As shitty as it is, People who wanted to be there were there and that all its matters. I definitely won't be reaching out first to them.