Friends cancelled wedding

[Newlywedgal]

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute.

The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues.

The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc.

The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'.

The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far.

I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day.

A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since.

I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events.

I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again.

YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out
YANBU just let them go

Thanks

It because these days everyone expects people to pay £100s to attend their wedding - rather than it be a church or registry office thing with a buffet and a disco in the local function rooms

As someone’s who’s struggled with anxiety and also some pain problems maybe they were also struggling with something similar were planning to come then just couldn’t at the time but didn’t want to say that as it’s you’re wedding (maybe not but just an idea) sometimes things are how they seem but not always x

If someone has left your life, let them go

I assume at least one of the super interested people had no intention of coming and it was all a cover.

If you're not close to them, I wouldn't bother. I had loads, 17 out of 20 people out of my side of the family who didn't bother to come to my wedding. Including 2 people who were supposed to give me away which hurt alot as my dad passed away and it was really special to me. (Excuses like they didn't feel well etc or their partner was well, someone they know is having a baby around that time..) I haven't spoken much or bothered since, I don't think I've really had a sincere apology either. It was very hurtful.

Sorry *wasn't well

sorry to hear this - it is very hurtful.

We had 4 of DHs friends just not show up to our wedding, no message, had a place set for them they weren't ill, had responded etc.

I was a bit cheesed off at the time as it had been paid for and meant other friends hadn't been invited as we were limited on numbers.
But DH just stopped making an effort with them they have fallen by the wayside.
In your shoes I would simply stop making an effort.

When my daughter married 11 years ago, I was astonished that some close friends and relatives didn't even reply to the invitation. My own nephews, her cousins and both longtime single wouldn't give a direct answer and then tried to find some women to come to the wedding with them. The tables were all arranged and the numbers had been given for catering and she had to tell them please don't. Another couple just didn't show up and gave the lamest excuse a few days after. I am truly baffled by this behaviour especially as I know she certainly isn't alone in her experience - the wedding seems to be like a party that people 'might' drop by if nothing better is on. The wedding was held centrally so there would have been no transport problems for anyone at all.

I think you’re being a bit OTT.

If they contacted you to apologise and say they couldn’t come I would say your message after could be seen as the final communication on the matter. So in theory a further response not really necessary.

ie

A hi sorry I can’t come I’ve missed the train and there are no buses. Have a great day.

B No problem. Sorry you can’t make it.

B (two weeks later) sorry again you couldn’t make it to our wedding. We had a nice time, you were missed.

unless you had a question in there I don’t really see that a response is actually warranted. Obviously depends on what you wrote but really if all of them haven’t followed up with a response then I think it’s probably on you and your wording.

Thank you! Either way hope you have a wonderful marriage ☺️

My wedding was held centrally for this reason - I wanted the wedding to be a city central location so it would have easy transport links to and from the venue with lots of cheap hotels around for people if they needed to stay to allow guests to be able to leave easily and early if needed etc

I was more B. Do not worry about sending gifts (first one had offered), I sincerely missed you at the wedding and hope to see you again soon.

It's been my experience that the ott texting beforehand is to show plausible deniability: they know they're not going to make it, they'll use an excuse that's plausibly a last minute emergency, and they'll show the preceding excitement as proof that they really did want to be there.

The headache is next level though. May as well have ghosted (awful, awful behaviour from people who don't know how to function around other people).

I have an older cousin. Actually, she’s my mum’s first cousin.
She refused to come to my wedding because for some nonsense reason she was mad at my mum.
Then, about a thousand years later, I had a 90th birthday party for my mum, just family members.
This cousin came, but she refused to speak to me for reasons I couldn’t possibly know. I hadn’t spoken to her in over a decade.
Now it’s many years later and Mum is gone and this cousin is herself in her 90s.
I don’t care about weddings or parties or petty grievances, but I guarantee she does.
Let it go.
Nobody is worth losing sleep over or even giving a second thought to, unless you’ve wronged them — then you apologise. Then you move on.

I feel very sad for your experience.
I had a very small wedding and pre social media age. I think this is important.
Back "in the day" people did not "flake". They turned up when they said they would because otherwise we would have all been worried.
I realise this makes me sound like a dinosaur, but life was a bit easier without 24/7 communication.

I had 3 people not even let me know they was not coming.
And 1 that let me know when she saw me getting into the car in my wedding dress. She totally forgot about the wedding.

Couple of people saying a headache is not a real excuse: I'm guessing you don't get proper headaches!

The radio silence afterwards is very telling. I had a friend text me on the morning of my wedding that she could no longer make it (no reason given). I didn't reply as obviously it was my wedding day and I was busy. Never heard from her again.

I had to miss a friend's wedding last year as I had a tummy bug. Was gutted to miss it. Sent a message the day before and also posted the wedding present and a card afterwards.

They would be dead to me, OP. None of their excuses are good enough.

I missed a wedding once that I did want to go to once because I missed a flight, so it could be an honest answer

I was told in the run up to my wedding that planning one and the day in itself really helps you curate your friendships and relationships. They turned out to be so right as we were also let down by a few who showed no consideration of the fact we were essentially hosting them for hundreds of pounds a head. It was a bit sad initially but felt good a while afterwards when I saw it this way: as curating your quality relationships. Let them go. I've also let go of people who only get in touch when they want my help. It's quite freeing tbh.

Yup, a good friend of mine cancelled on the morning of my wedding because she was ‘too tired’. She had a young baby.
I haven’t spoken to her or seen her since.
That was 25 years ago.

I find it hard to understand what goes on in someone's head at these moments.How can they live with themselves?
Whatever it is, I don't think you need to make any decision about these people who let you down so badly. You haven't heard from them since, and perhaps never will; maybe they now have a bad conscience about you, as they should.
I'd just leave it, not get in touch again because they haven't yet responded to your last message, and see how you feel if you hear from them or bump into them in future.
That's great that you're happily married anyway. Congratulations.

I’ve known someone to cancel attendance at a wedding because, with the best will in the world, they simply could not afford the transport, new outfit and overnight hotel - and were much too proud to say so.

However - I suspect the change of state a marriage confers on the bride can sometimes affect their friends in unexpected ways. And those making the loudest noise beforehand might be masking ambiguity (envy / feelings of abandonment / perception of their own ’failure’ if they’re single / etc) that boils over into unmanageable resistance on the day.

You don’t have to decide on a lifelong response right now. Just let them be and see who comes back to you. Maybe some of them never will, but others might, once they’ve gained control of their feelings.