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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends cancelled wedding

140 replies

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:29

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute.

The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues.

The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc.

The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'.

The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far.

I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day.

A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since.

I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events.

I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again.

YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out
YANBU just let them go

Thanks

OP posts:
feelingalittlehorse · 15/01/2025 10:51

The ones who were over zelously messaging you before knew they were going to cancel, OP. They were just putting the leg work in beforehand to show how Very Excited they were, so 100% wouldn’t miss it unless there was a Very Good Reason because they are just So Excited.

And behold; a reason has just mysteriously and unfortunately arisen. But because they were So Excited for you, you’ll know how Absolutely Gutted they are and so hopefully won’t be annoyed.

pimplebum · 15/01/2025 10:52

I had my oldest friend turn up with her child despite having a conversation where I’d made it clear child not invited

I had two people who I’d paid for meals leave after the ceremony because they had other places to be

all these people while pissing me off at the time are still very much in my life because they have continued to make the effort and I wasn’t going to end the friendship over a wedding faux par

the ones who did not respond I would let them go

Startinganew32 · 15/01/2025 10:54

I wouldn’t never speak to them again but I’d also not reach out and make the first move. So if they don’t do that then I guess maybe you won’t speak to them again.
It’s really shit and I think quite common where people expect you to drop everything for their wedding or christening but when you get married, it’s a different tune. I think this is particularly common if you get married later than your friends and they don’t see it as important anymore because they are selfish pricks who always centre themselves.
None of them sound like great friends although if the person with the headache actually had a migraine or a very bad headache that was resistant to painkillers, I can totally understand why she didn’t want to go.

snowmichael · 15/01/2025 11:01

> I am very happily married now to a lovely man
That's the important bit
Ignore the others

EatingHealthy · 15/01/2025 12:01

Sheaintheavyshesmymother · 14/01/2025 20:55

I think you’re being a bit OTT.

If they contacted you to apologise and say they couldn’t come I would say your message after could be seen as the final communication on the matter. So in theory a further response not really necessary.

ie

A hi sorry I can’t come I’ve missed the train and there are no buses. Have a great day.

B No problem. Sorry you can’t make it.

B (two weeks later) sorry again you couldn’t make it to our wedding. We had a nice time, you were missed.

unless you had a question in there I don’t really see that a response is actually warranted. Obviously depends on what you wrote but really if all of them haven’t followed up with a response then I think it’s probably on you and your wording.

Sure, on the day they are unlikely to send another message, they are going to know that the bride will have a lot on her plate and not want to bother her with more messages. But to not even message afterwards asking how the wedding went is shit of them - even more so after op sent them a message so even if they were feeling bad and not wanting to contact op, or thought op still might be busy post wedding, op has opened the door to communication. And especially if they're someone who texts a lot generally.

veganmayo · 15/01/2025 12:41

Maybe I'm too suspicious but I'd wonder if the increased interest running up to the wedding was some kind of cover for the fact they were going to cancel... "But look, I was so invested in your wedding so of course I wanted to come..."
I'd hope that's not the case though.

RedLightsStopSigns · 15/01/2025 12:53

I once had to cancel going to a friend’s wedding in the week running up to it. It was due to totally unforeseen financial issues that happened very suddenly and close to the wedding that meant I just could not afford to attend. I felt absolutely awful about it and was very apologetic. That’s the difference in your case, OP. Their lack of response to your message (that sounded really lovely!) shows they don’t really care much about the friendship. If my friend had messaged me like that I would have reiterated my apologies and thanked them for being so forgiving about it.

Startinganew32 · 15/01/2025 13:04

veganmayo · 15/01/2025 12:41

Maybe I'm too suspicious but I'd wonder if the increased interest running up to the wedding was some kind of cover for the fact they were going to cancel... "But look, I was so invested in your wedding so of course I wanted to come..."
I'd hope that's not the case though.

Of course it was. It’s rule 1 in the Flake handbook that you have to seem enthusiastic so that everyone knows you weren’t intending to drop out.

Changingname1988 · 15/01/2025 15:25

Pumpkincozynights · 14/01/2025 21:46

I have to agree that this did not happen back in the day.
Things were different then I feel and weddings and invitations were much more formal.
Wedding invites were sent out by post, and I’m sure they had a specific date by which you had to respond in writing. It sounds so odd now but it made a huge difference. You bought an acceptance card wrote on it, and sent it back in the post! Or a card which said unfortunately you could not attend. Either way, these cards were readily available from card shops.
Nobody who said they were attending didn’t attend. I think the only exceptions were either if you were in labour, or dead.
I do think there is something in the fact weddings are just not viewed in the same light now. Many people don’t want to attend due to the cost plus it can be seen as not that important.
You get people who already have children, often not specifically to the person they are about to marry, already living with their future spouse, in houses that are fully furnished, they ask for money, hold the wedding in very expensive places. Often in the middle of nowhere expecting guests to pay extortionate rates to stay there with eye watering prices even for a glass of pop. Sometimes even telling guests what they can/can’t wear which means buying a new outfit.
Again in the past weddings were held in the local church or register office. The reception was within walking distance of this where there was a very cheap bar. Everyone could either walk home or afford a taxi home. Plus you could buy the couple an affordable gift from the wedding list. You knew they would appreciate it too.
I do think people balance the cost of attending
a wedding with the benefit if going, and how special it is. Unfortunately they see it as spending a lot of money, just to see a couple marry who are already virtually married, and already have a family. It doesn't feel that special like it once did.
I don’t think it’s acceptable to do what the op’s guests did though.
I would let them be the first to make a move and contact you.

I think this is a really interesting point, in the past a wedding was the start of a brand new life for the couple, whereas now it is often a lovely celebration of the life they are already living together.

Perhaps the level of importance in the eyes of some guests has changed to view it as a big party they can flake out of instead of one of the “big 3” of Births, Marriages and Deaths that make up family life.

I’m sorry you were let down @Newlywedgal I would wait to see how much effort the Cancellers put into their relationships with you in future, I hope they will behave better than some of the awful CFs described on the thread!

HamptonPlace · 15/01/2025 16:23

Newlywedgal · 14/01/2025 19:29

I got married late last year (39/F) and had 7 cancellations (one family of 3, a friend with a friend plus one and a couple) at the very last minute.

The family cancelled the evening before at about 7pm. Her reason was she could not make it due to transport issues.

The friend with +1 cancelled as she had missed her 6pm train. She had been texting me that morning to say how excited she was about coming to the wedding, asking me lots of questions about my new husband, how we met, could she look after his elderly family etc.

The other cancelled at 11.30am on the day of the wedding (wedding at 2pm) to say she could not come as she had a headache. She too, was also texting me asking many questions about my wedding planning the week before and how it was going, lots of questions about where I would be living - what I would be doing with my property now I was married woman and also where we were going on honeymoon. She said it was 'ok for some' that we could go on a honeymoon as she had not been able to afford to do that following her wedding. She also asked me if I was having to work after my wedding, now I was marrying a 'wealthy man'.

The wedding was in a major city to avoid people having to travel too far.

I ended up a mess the evening before the wedding, trying to rearrange the tables etc - I was already very anxious about the wedding day.

A week or so after the wedding I sent each cancelling party a message to tell them I was sorry they could not make it, and not to worry about it. I have not heard a word from any of them since.

I have been lucky enough to attend so many peoples weddings / hen parties / baby showers / 1st/2nd birthday parties of their children when I was single happily to cheer them on for their life events.

I am very happily married now to a lovely man and the day otherwise was a success, but over Christmas time I felt very sad that I did not hear from these people again.

YABU to never speak to these people again and try and reach out
YANBU just let them go

Thanks

There are always last minute cancellations at any reasonable sized wedding, although sounds like more regret would have been appropriate...

Newgirls · 15/01/2025 16:37

I think this thread shows how common it is for people to drop out on the day so probably best to not take it personally. I guess they will feel awkward for quite a long while so it’s inevitable that they won’t get in touch. Focus on your own happiness op and remind yourself it’s def not just you

Arran2024 · 15/01/2025 17:42

One of my husband's ushers and his wife didn't come to our wedding. Our wedding was in Scotland and my husband's family and friends were in the London area, so it was a huge commitment for them to come, and we understood that. We had accommodation booked for everyone and a coach to go and pick everyone up. And this couple just didn't come. They had never planned to come, but they didn't tell us. I was so upset. His brother and wife came too. They were so embarrassed. We were one usher down too. Anyway, we never spoke to them again.

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:47

Am so sorry this happened. They aren't your friends.

Reading this thread made me remember how it actually happened to me too 🤣 I can laugh about it now but not really if you see what I mean.

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:50

LidlScottishLady · 14/01/2025 20:55

When my daughter married 11 years ago, I was astonished that some close friends and relatives didn't even reply to the invitation. My own nephews, her cousins and both longtime single wouldn't give a direct answer and then tried to find some women to come to the wedding with them. The tables were all arranged and the numbers had been given for catering and she had to tell them please don't. Another couple just didn't show up and gave the lamest excuse a few days after. I am truly baffled by this behaviour especially as I know she certainly isn't alone in her experience - the wedding seems to be like a party that people 'might' drop by if nothing better is on. The wedding was held centrally so there would have been no transport problems for anyone at all.

Thats shocking! What a shame

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:54

Pumpkincozynights · 14/01/2025 21:46

I have to agree that this did not happen back in the day.
Things were different then I feel and weddings and invitations were much more formal.
Wedding invites were sent out by post, and I’m sure they had a specific date by which you had to respond in writing. It sounds so odd now but it made a huge difference. You bought an acceptance card wrote on it, and sent it back in the post! Or a card which said unfortunately you could not attend. Either way, these cards were readily available from card shops.
Nobody who said they were attending didn’t attend. I think the only exceptions were either if you were in labour, or dead.
I do think there is something in the fact weddings are just not viewed in the same light now. Many people don’t want to attend due to the cost plus it can be seen as not that important.
You get people who already have children, often not specifically to the person they are about to marry, already living with their future spouse, in houses that are fully furnished, they ask for money, hold the wedding in very expensive places. Often in the middle of nowhere expecting guests to pay extortionate rates to stay there with eye watering prices even for a glass of pop. Sometimes even telling guests what they can/can’t wear which means buying a new outfit.
Again in the past weddings were held in the local church or register office. The reception was within walking distance of this where there was a very cheap bar. Everyone could either walk home or afford a taxi home. Plus you could buy the couple an affordable gift from the wedding list. You knew they would appreciate it too.
I do think people balance the cost of attending
a wedding with the benefit if going, and how special it is. Unfortunately they see it as spending a lot of money, just to see a couple marry who are already virtually married, and already have a family. It doesn't feel that special like it once did.
I don’t think it’s acceptable to do what the op’s guests did though.
I would let them be the first to make a move and contact you.

completely agree with you, simpler happier times. wish it was still like that now but alas no

Dotto · 15/01/2025 18:55

I think a lot of people hate weddings, but should be polite about declining straightaway, rather than being frightened to and thus doing so last minute.

LesMisSaigon · 15/01/2025 18:57

We had a family of four just not turn up to our wedding. I was really annoyed, because we had limited numbers but had also invited their 2 young children because we really wanted the couple there. I was convinced that something awful must have happened to prevent them attending, and was sure there would be an apologetic answer phone message waiting for us at home. This was before many people had mobile phones. Alas we never heard a thing from them again. Still hold a grudge Janice.

peachystormy · 15/01/2025 18:58

@Coolasfeck 🤣🤣 am sniggering at you sniggering

Pippyls67 · 15/01/2025 22:41

Youre Massively over interpreting it. They are still friends and you need to stop dwelling and let them be. People cancel for tons of reasons. Life is complicated. Friends don’t judge - they just make allowances and move on. If it’s a pattern that’s different. This was a one off. Shit happens. Enjoy you’re new marriage and let this go. You’re hurting yourself for absolutely no reason. Don’t spoil your special time.

GabriellaFaith · 16/01/2025 00:02

It's one of the most special days of your life. It's taken loads of planning, money, they are lucky to be invited. Unless I, or immediate family, were in hospital I would make sure I was there cheering you on if I had accepted an invitation. And if I was in hospital so I physically couldn't go, I would be apologising my head off and trying to make it up to you.

This is unforgivable behaviour to not only miss it like they did, but then do this. No one needs people like this in their lives. You deserve better.

Crazyworldmum · 16/01/2025 00:44

You are a better person than me . I’m getting married next year and if anyone canceled last minute that way without being a real emergency I would be so disappointed and upset paying hundred of pounds per person and picking special people was hard enough , we both have big families and only invited 105 people so they would be literally preventing others from coming and wasting our money .

Swonderful · 16/01/2025 00:48

strawkymim · 14/01/2025 19:45

Several people cancelled on my wedding.

A couple of people had cancelled train issues, another had their car shunted 5 mins from their house.

I've missed a wedding before and was absolutely gutted about it, I felt terrible and was in tears about letting my friend down.

I wouldn't cut off the people with logistical problems. The headache friend id be mighty pissed off with, take some ibuprofen/aspirin.

I was going to say the opposite. I suffer from migraines I can be in bed for 3 days with a "headache".

mondaytosunday · 16/01/2025 01:13

A friend told me she had a lovely friend who helped her loads up to her wedding. Was really supportive and seemed excited by the plans. Did all sorts of errands and basically couldn't have been nicer. Then didn't show up on the day and she never heard from her again. Weird.
I had a few cancel but with good reason: heart attack and a broken leg. Missing a train (presumably the night before if it was 6pm). What's that about?

berightorbehappy · 16/01/2025 07:19

I understand you’re upset ..but still holding on to it after your happy day that went well isn’t really helpful . Analysing the reasons ( and checking train distruptions as suggested ! ) is pointless when you have a life to get on with with your partner . People have mentioned ADHD which my daughter suffers from and honestly impacts every social occasion she attends. Or maybe at a final push it was too expensive to go etc ….whatever the reasons maybe just accept that in life people aren’t perfect. If you’re still angry then weigh up how much the friendships mean to you overall before you pull the plug on them . Life is too short to hang onto people if you don’t want to , but also too short to live in a bad mood about something you could just let go ! Congrats on your marriage too !

SnowThaw · 16/01/2025 09:09

Pippyls67 · 15/01/2025 22:41

Youre Massively over interpreting it. They are still friends and you need to stop dwelling and let them be. People cancel for tons of reasons. Life is complicated. Friends don’t judge - they just make allowances and move on. If it’s a pattern that’s different. This was a one off. Shit happens. Enjoy you’re new marriage and let this go. You’re hurting yourself for absolutely no reason. Don’t spoil your special time.

No she isn't . If these people don't want to come then they should say right at the start so the couple can invite someone else in their place . It's bad manners to accept an invitation and not turn up without a good reason esp if the venue has been catered for as it's not cheap .

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