MIL in Palliative Care Unit

[Ggggggggggggggggyh]

Ok, so my DH and I are currently took a week off with our toddler to spend some time with his mum who has been admitted to a palliative care unit in the hospital. The rest of the family have been visiting my MIL who has been up and down and the doctors have clearly said that the inevitable will soon come to pass and that everyone should just make my MIL as comfortable as possible. My DH is very protective and caring and super loving towards his mother out of everyone in the family. Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given.

My DH has been so stressed and upset and of course he will be and Ive been giving him so many hugs and comforting words...but not anything to give him hope. He's been insistent on having our toddler see his grandma everyday and I refused because I do not want our son to be exposed to something like this so early on in his life. I just want our son to remember happy memories with his grandma. He basically was forcing our son to give his mum kisses and hugs while she had her oxygen mask on and our son kept saying, 'I don't want to' and was visibly upset. Our son eventually did but I said that once or twice is fine but not everyday. My DH is positive that his mother will get better soon and he's getting his hopes up again because his MIL is now being moved to a different unit.

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care. It's just stressful having someone like her around and it doesn't help my son and I when DH is constantly wanting immediate updates on her and simply refuses to admit that her time is nearly up.

My lack of empathy probably stems from my relationship with my father. We loved each other so much but we both knew that when my father's health deteriortated, he just really wanted to die and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I had no other family left when he passed away and that was only two months after my son was born and I had to take care of it all myself. No time for tears or grief, just the need to get it over and done with because I had a son to think about. That's basically how Im feeling now. People who have been suffering from a long term illness for a long time eventually do pass away and when that reality is staring right at you in the face, I don't get why some people just refuse to believe it.

Would you say that it's better to just leave my DH be? Or do I need to tell him outright that what is happening to his mum is just out of our control and that we should just let the doctors do their jobs?

Look, you’re (hopefully)going to be married for a long time. This period is very difficult for all of you, but realistically if your MIL is at end of life stage will pass in a few weeks or months. A drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of things.

you do sound like a bitch,I’m afraid. How you dealt with death in you family and how your dh is dealing with it in his may be different, but each person deals with things differently. It’s not about your MIL, it’s about how you want to support your dh who is clearly finding it very hard.

Have you thought about therapy?

All my mum did was watch TV and moan. I am still grieving 2 years later. Let your DH deal with it in his way, don't try to impose your way of dealing with losing a parent on him.

Apart from not letting him force your DS to kiss her and be there all the time, you have to let him get on with it in his own way.

You’re obviously still grieving your dad in your own way, and the situation is upsetting for you, but saying what you want to say, unless you do it very, very gently, is just callous and will not benefit your DH.

Perhaps it’s because you feel so strongly about this, but the way you’ve described things makes it seem that your behaviour comes across as monstrously selfish. The pleasure and comfort your MIL will get from seeing her grandson should come ahead of your primness about not ‘exposing’ your child to ‘something like this’. Crikey. Step back and let your DH lead on this one.

I don't agree with you on this

The pleasure and comfort your MIL will get from seeing her grandson should come ahead of your primness about not ‘exposing’ your child to ‘something like this’.

This child is saying he doesn't want to kiss MIL and is visibly uncomfortable with it.

As a small child I remember 2 family members who were dying where I was taken to visit them several times in their last days. I was terrified and hated it, and only have horrible memories of watching this person die slowly. I don't think it's fair to do this to a small child, and this overrides the dying persons wishes.

I think you need some help - your response to this sad situation is unusual. Frankly on first reading I thought yes you do sound like a bitch. But reading between the lines I see a lot of fear and anger.

I hope your DH has someone in his life to support him when his Mum does pass, because I don't think you are currently in a place to provide it.

You say you had to get on with it when your dad died, you had no time for tears or grief. You have done yourself and your family absolutely no favours, everyone needs to make time to grieve, its a very very important process, it can be hard and frightening but it is so damaging to hide from it and pretend everything is normal. You clearly have a huge amount of anger stored up around the process and aftermath of dying, you really need to get some one to help you deal with that.
I wish you well. Do your very best to be kind and empathetic to your DH as he goes through the loss of a parent, and let him do it the way he needs to.

It’s sad to read this, hoping your MIL will kick the bucket soon, an astonishing lack of feelings.
I think there is a compromise to be made regarding your DC kissing his GM with the oxygen tube. He won’t remember her being ill. In fact he won’t remember her at all.
Try maybe to be more sympathetic to your DH & be a good role model.

I am sorry but you need help. Your DH's mother is dying. He will be feeling a range of emotions and needs someone by his side who can understand be supportive. Wanting his mum to kick the bucket as you found her a bit miserable does not really fit this bill.

I'm very pragmatic too, and I don't think it's as uncommon as people think to know to feel some relief when the end comes and the feeling of impending doom stops. I had similar feelings of frustration when my mum refused to accept the end was near for my grandad; at the time I was driving 200 miles every weekend to visit him in hospice and could see the deterioration.

I do think it's unusual for these feelings to be based on the attitude and personality of the person who is dying. I think perhaps you need to speak to a profession about that.

You do sound unreasonable yes, it sounds as though you have resentment on how you had to deal with death and you just have to be careful that that doesn’t come across to your partner.

The death of someone’s parent is unimaginable and whilst what he’s doing with your child might seem odd to you, it’s his mum, I’m assuming he hasn’t dealt with this before and there’s no wrong or rights. I work with end of life and if your child is a toddler he won’t remember this so not exposing him to death isn’t so much of an issue, but your partner would remember these times and time spent with his mum and child at the end. We also as a culture don’t normalise death in the way I think we should. I’m a nurse and speak to my own child about death and he knows what I do. I do understand how you must feel if you dealt with this on your own, perhaps grief yourself is clouding your judgement but your partner needs you and your support right now and this is what he’ll remember. The actions of those around you forever stick in memory when you have a close death

Wow you really are nasty.

Gosh, hopefully your DIL doesn't feel the same as you when your time comes. You're using your DF as an excuse

I think people refuse to believe that their loved one is going to die because mentally they simply can't get their head around life without them OP.

You do sound very harsh, was your DH not supportive when you lost your Dad?

You do sound like you are lacking in empathy I’m afraid. Of course you are right that she will die soon and not wrong not to want her to suffer any longer than necessary . It is a difficult time for your little family.
Your are right to make sure that DS is not there to see adults crying or witness any distress when she is at the end of life but nothing wrong with him popping in when she is having a good day.
Try and put yourself in DH shoes , he obvious loves his mum dearly and will grieve when she is gone . Perhaps try and bite your lip here and be patient .

I was with you up to the start of para 2.
Don't be a bitch. Support your partner doing one of the toughest things we have to do.
Support him to do it how he wants and needs. It's nothing to do with you, or indeed your father.

I disagree, you aren’t nasty. You’ve expressed yourself baldly out of frustration, but your concerns aren’t unreasonable.

Being faced with refusal to accept terminal illness is hard- for him and also for you. He is making choices based on her surviving, which you know won’t happen.

It’s also inappropriate to make a child uncomfortable. Brief visits, yes. Cuddles when he doesn’t want them or long visits, no. The child comes first even at deathbeds.

I assume you are picking up a lot extra because of his focus on his mum? That’s perfectly reasonable, even if it wasn’t support you were given when you lost your dad.

You will get surges of emotion connected to the loss of your dad. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t be hard on him.

I loved my dad deeply, but wow I wanted him to pass more swiftly than he did. Every month he survived, we had emotional blackmail from mum and it just never ended.
She didn’t let him do anything to prepare for his death because she refused to consider it could happen.

It’s a difficult time.

Your attitude to your MIL is the reason why I feel so uncomfortable regarding euthanasia.

Wow

Do you often have psychopathic tendencies ?
Complete lack of empathy from You.

That son you love and are protecting, imagine in 30 years he's married to someone who wants him to stop being sad and for you to hurry up and die so it'll all be over age they can forget about you because they found you grumpy and your death is becoming an inconvenience for her and her family.

Your DH needs your support - it is right to give it. He will have his own hopes, however unrealistic they might be and you cannot change that. Just be there for him.

My GC spent a lot of time with my OH when he was dying - it did them no harm. They were not exposed to any displays of pain or distress but watched him fade away each day.

This

Sorry, but you sound like a complete arsehole. Your lack of empathy is chilling.

You want your MIL to hurry up and die, so it stops being inconvenient to you ?

I’ve heard some cold shit in my time, but that takes the biscuit.