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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL in Palliative Care Unit

129 replies

Ggggggggggggggggyh · 14/01/2025 15:09

Ok, so my DH and I are currently took a week off with our toddler to spend some time with his mum who has been admitted to a palliative care unit in the hospital. The rest of the family have been visiting my MIL who has been up and down and the doctors have clearly said that the inevitable will soon come to pass and that everyone should just make my MIL as comfortable as possible. My DH is very protective and caring and super loving towards his mother out of everyone in the family. Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given.

My DH has been so stressed and upset and of course he will be and Ive been giving him so many hugs and comforting words...but not anything to give him hope. He's been insistent on having our toddler see his grandma everyday and I refused because I do not want our son to be exposed to something like this so early on in his life. I just want our son to remember happy memories with his grandma. He basically was forcing our son to give his mum kisses and hugs while she had her oxygen mask on and our son kept saying, 'I don't want to' and was visibly upset. Our son eventually did but I said that once or twice is fine but not everyday. My DH is positive that his mother will get better soon and he's getting his hopes up again because his MIL is now being moved to a different unit.

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care. It's just stressful having someone like her around and it doesn't help my son and I when DH is constantly wanting immediate updates on her and simply refuses to admit that her time is nearly up.

My lack of empathy probably stems from my relationship with my father. We loved each other so much but we both knew that when my father's health deteriortated, he just really wanted to die and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I had no other family left when he passed away and that was only two months after my son was born and I had to take care of it all myself. No time for tears or grief, just the need to get it over and done with because I had a son to think about. That's basically how Im feeling now. People who have been suffering from a long term illness for a long time eventually do pass away and when that reality is staring right at you in the face, I don't get why some people just refuse to believe it.

Would you say that it's better to just leave my DH be? Or do I need to tell him outright that what is happening to his mum is just out of our control and that we should just let the doctors do their jobs?

OP posts:
GeminiGiggles · 14/01/2025 18:20

OK you don't like your MIL and her lingering about is an inconvenience. I get that. (I don't like it but I get it.)

However you presumably love or maybe even just like your husband? If so absolutely keep those thoughts to yourself and just be there for him.

I agree with not making your toddler uncomfortable with forced affection but a short visit here and there isn't too awful (making an assumption of a younger toddler).

It's not about you right now. I'm sure that gauls and is a shocker but its actually about your husband and his need for a bit of love and support right now whilst he negotiates death and grief in his own way, in his own time.

Ihopeyouhavent · 14/01/2025 18:20

Wow. Yes you are a bitch, and a very nasty one. I feel so so sorry for your DH and kid and hope that he will see you for what you are.

Maybe your son will feel that way about you one day.

ShalalaIa · 14/01/2025 18:21

I have only read your original post but these 2 things stuck out to me:
"Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given"

"Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything"

I normally judge a man on how he treats his mama, so I can tell he is a good person - you however are a disgusting human being. God help you if you become immobile and dying. Shame on you. I don't care if you report my post

LostittoBostik · 14/01/2025 18:23

You won't "get it over with" after she's died. That's just the beginning. This will have an impact on your DH and your relationship for a good five years, maybe a decade.

I struggled similarly during my MIL's death and it was one of my biggest regrets. I think our marriage has suffered. I was young and naive and didn't realise the size or potency of grief.

I suggest you seek advice and support to help you manage this next period in your marriage.

LostittoBostik · 14/01/2025 18:24

Would add that it doesn't sound like you have handled your grief either

Biffbaff · 14/01/2025 18:24

Absolutely disgusting words OP.

Why are you making this about you and your father? If you have enough insight to know that this is your true problem, please extend your insight further into realising that is its own separate thing and is actually irrelevant to this situation.

Your husband and MiL deserve better. This is their hour of need. Suck it up and support them.

sherbertcandy · 14/01/2025 18:25

This is so heartless and cold towards MIL and no help to husband. What happened to the vows you took when married? To help one and other? You seriously need help!

myplace · 14/01/2025 18:26

Boots on guys. Give her a good kicking.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/01/2025 18:27

Aren’t you a delight! Feel sad for your husband.

Katemax82 · 14/01/2025 18:28

strawkymim · 14/01/2025 15:26

I don't agree with you on this

The pleasure and comfort your MIL will get from seeing her grandson should come ahead of your primness about not ‘exposing’ your child to ‘something like this’.

This child is saying he doesn't want to kiss MIL and is visibly uncomfortable with it.

As a small child I remember 2 family members who were dying where I was taken to visit them several times in their last days. I was terrified and hated it, and only have horrible memories of watching this person die slowly. I don't think it's fair to do this to a small child, and this overrides the dying persons wishes.

Show quote history

My daughter was 7 when my fil was dying and she didn't want to be anywhere near him as she was scared he would die in front of her

Cattery · 14/01/2025 18:29

ExtraOnions · 14/01/2025 17:11

You want your MIL to hurry up and die, so it stops being inconvenient to you ?

I’ve heard some cold shit in my time, but that takes the biscuit.

Doesn’t it just. Glad you’re not my DIL.

TeaMistress · 14/01/2025 18:30

You sound incredibly nasty, callous and completely lacking in empathy, your husbands beloved Mum is dying and all you can say is that you "want her to kick the bucket. Beyond callous and cruel.

ERthree · 14/01/2025 18:32

Your poor Husband, mother is dying and his wife is heartless.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 18:35

I don’t think you sound like a bitch, well maybe you do, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. I would just bite your lip and hear your husband out. He must know what’s coming but is in denial. I would back away now and I completely agree about not letting your child see her. Ask him how she is, if there’s anything he needs you to sort and just bide your time.

Wisterical · 14/01/2025 18:37

You are monstrously selfish.

Waterbaby41 · 14/01/2025 18:41

Possibly the most heartless post I have ever seen on MN. You don't just 'sound like a bitch', you are a bitch.

Littlemisscapable · 14/01/2025 18:41

myplace · 14/01/2025 16:53

I disagree, you aren’t nasty. You’ve expressed yourself baldly out of frustration, but your concerns aren’t unreasonable.

Being faced with refusal to accept terminal illness is hard- for him and also for you. He is making choices based on her surviving, which you know won’t happen.

It’s also inappropriate to make a child uncomfortable. Brief visits, yes. Cuddles when he doesn’t want them or long visits, no. The child comes first even at deathbeds.

I assume you are picking up a lot extra because of his focus on his mum? That’s perfectly reasonable, even if it wasn’t support you were given when you lost your dad.

You will get surges of emotion connected to the loss of your dad. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t be hard on him.

Yes this.

Mo819 · 14/01/2025 18:42

When my mum was dying as in litrally having cpr my dad refused to come to the hospital because in his head she would be fine and some doctor had told him they were breathing for her. For me I was very practical and went into nurse mode I had started the grieving process years ago when my mums health had started to really deteriorate. It's called anticipatory grief.
Denial is a very powerful emotion.
Your dh may well be fully aware his mother is dying but unable to say the words out loud. Your experience with your father was horrible and I'm sorry you went through that alone but ease don't take it out on your dh

BelgianBeers · 14/01/2025 18:47

Just remember above all else it’s how you make your dh feel that helps him and your ling term relationship.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 14/01/2025 18:52

You're saying your unresolved issues around your DF are causing you to lash out emotionally with this coldness/anger. But these are your issues to deal with. You need to support your DH and realise your outlook isn't healthy and is actually really awful. This is beyond 'being a bitch,' if this is how you cope it's indicative that something is seriously out of sync and you need to address it for your own sake, as a wife and as a parent.

Lizzie67384 · 14/01/2025 19:03

Shirtella · 14/01/2025 16:56

Your attitude to your MIL is the reason why I feel so uncomfortable regarding euthanasia.

I completely agree

youcannotsaythat · 14/01/2025 19:16

If you thought MN was a safe space to express your true feelings you may wish to rethink that! You invited people to call you a bitch and so they have. I think you've been too honest and unfiltered, are probably stressed and there's a backstory which is making you sound hard hearted. Your MIL is at the end of life so be patient and supportive, this too shall pass. Your DH may be in denial to some extent because he can't deal with the idea of his DM dying. All lives have some intrinsic value surely.

Topjoe19 · 14/01/2025 19:20

Honestly shocked, how can you be so heartless? I completely agree about your DC however. Try to find some empathy.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 14/01/2025 19:20

You're getting a really hard time on here aren't you.
I think there's a chance you have some very complex emotions you haven't dealt with and talking those through with someone could help you. I think there's a chance you've avoided her not because you didn't want to get to know her, but because you hurt from losing your dad (in what sounds like similar circumstances) and this apathy is the hard hat you wear to protect yourself in a way. Maybe also to protect your child from the pain you experienced. That being said, you need to dig deep and you need to be the right support to your husband. Right now this isnt about you but about him and your MiL. You don't get a do over here and you need to feel that you have done all you can for him as it will come back to haunt you if you don't. But do think about doing some therapy.
In my life I have lost my sister, my infant son and more recently my grandad. All very different losses and my granddad was very sick for a long time so it was different in the sense that the floor didn't feel like it dropped from under me when he died but in a way I was relieved for him in that he wasn't suffering anymore and he longer had to be brave but could rest.

sonjadog · 14/01/2025 19:21

You do sound like a bitch, yes. Maybe it is because you are still grieving your DF, maybe you are just someone with little empathy. But presumably you love your DH so try to be sympathetic to him and to his perspectives.