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Original poster

MIL in Palliative Care Unit

129 replies

Ggggggggggggggggyh · 14/01/2025 15:09

Ok, so my DH and I are currently took a week off with our toddler to spend some time with his mum who has been admitted to a palliative care unit in the hospital. The rest of the family have been visiting my MIL who has been up and down and the doctors have clearly said that the inevitable will soon come to pass and that everyone should just make my MIL as comfortable as possible. My DH is very protective and caring and super loving towards his mother out of everyone in the family. Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given.

My DH has been so stressed and upset and of course he will be and Ive been giving him so many hugs and comforting words...but not anything to give him hope. He's been insistent on having our toddler see his grandma everyday and I refused because I do not want our son to be exposed to something like this so early on in his life. I just want our son to remember happy memories with his grandma. He basically was forcing our son to give his mum kisses and hugs while she had her oxygen mask on and our son kept saying, 'I don't want to' and was visibly upset. Our son eventually did but I said that once or twice is fine but not everyday. My DH is positive that his mother will get better soon and he's getting his hopes up again because his MIL is now being moved to a different unit.

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care. It's just stressful having someone like her around and it doesn't help my son and I when DH is constantly wanting immediate updates on her and simply refuses to admit that her time is nearly up.

My lack of empathy probably stems from my relationship with my father. We loved each other so much but we both knew that when my father's health deteriortated, he just really wanted to die and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I had no other family left when he passed away and that was only two months after my son was born and I had to take care of it all myself. No time for tears or grief, just the need to get it over and done with because I had a son to think about. That's basically how Im feeling now. People who have been suffering from a long term illness for a long time eventually do pass away and when that reality is staring right at you in the face, I don't get why some people just refuse to believe it.

Would you say that it's better to just leave my DH be? Or do I need to tell him outright that what is happening to his mum is just out of our control and that we should just let the doctors do their jobs?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 14/01/2025 23:19

I would leave you if I was married to you

Peopleinmyphone · 14/01/2025 23:34

I'm guessing this is a troll

Jeschara · 14/01/2025 23:39

I wonder if this is true, or its somebody wanting to post to wind people up.
The kick the bucket comment was unbelievably crass.

PinkyFlamingo · 14/01/2025 23:45

You sound heartless. Can't you even have empathy for your DH?

QuarterHorse · 14/01/2025 23:58

I feel sorry for you DH being married to someone as heartless as you come across. Can you not find it in yourself to feel empathy and compassion? I think you need professional help. I can't work out if you are ill or evil.

I hope your DS grows up with your DH compassionate soul rather than take after you.

You need to dig deep and support your DH otherwise you may find you lose him when he realises how selfish and heartless you are.

MILsAreHumanToo · 15/01/2025 00:10

@Ggggggggggggggggyh are you related to my friend’s DIL? I guess legalised killing by medics can’t come soon enough for some relatives. I hope those who will be making that decision do not share your icy heart and mindset. The one person I feel so sorry for is your innocent child. What sort of example are you showing about all sorts of things, but especially how little you value life. Poor kid.

Monty27 · 15/01/2025 00:14

Your DH is not you. Have a heart FFS.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/01/2025 00:42

@Ggggggggggggggggyh you are a compartmentalizor. (I may have made up that term). That’s ok, Others will not understand. Your feelings are real and just as worthy as anyone else’s. It’s also probably true that you are still dealing with your dad’s death in your own way.

You are doing the the right thing by not saying anything to your husband and letting him grieve in his own way. At the same time I can understand your feelings.

Don’t share your feelings on the matter, just let him be and listen. He’s dealing with her death in his own way.

To everyone else… get bent… you don’t know what the OP is feeling and quite frankly you are actually being quite cruel.

MILsAreHumanToo · 15/01/2025 00:59

To everyone else… get bent… you don’t know what the OP is feeling and quite frankly you are actually being quite cruel.

Don’t know how to get bent what with my bad back.
The OP has made it very clear how they are feeling - I think a better word would be unfeeling.
The OP is aware of how to be cruel - their own cruel words were done to provoke a reaction.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/01/2025 01:04

I was with you on the not forcing the toddler to kiss her if he doesn't want to, and not making him visit every day because it sounds really hard. But then it got really really harsh and cold. Your husband really needs support, nothing good will come of you saying anything you've said here to him. It does sound like you might need support dealing with grief around your dad because it doesn't sound healthy at all.

MrsDutchie88 · 15/01/2025 03:33

Nasty. Just nasty. Please seek help!

Dita73 · 15/01/2025 04:23

Well aren’t you a little treasure. I bet your husband can’t believe how lucky he is

Pat888 · 15/01/2025 04:39

You are viewing this through your experiences -DH is living it with whatever his past relationship with his mother was. You have little idea of his feelings during childhood and growing up. Obviously something is making this very difficult for him and you have no idea what. So fake it if you must but be kind and supportive.

SparklesGlitter · 15/01/2025 05:03

You lost me in your wording of the 3rd paragraph-kick the bucket…seriously?!!!

Regardless of your dad (sorry different issue and not linked to MIL), this is DHs mum and he’s watching her ebb away. Never mind how she’s not looked after herself. Anyone could be guilty of that and some are stronger than others. This is a human life and someone important to DH. It feels like your son seeing her is not the issue here, but rather it’s about your feelings towards MIL and her having the audacity to cling on.

Tourmalines · 15/01/2025 05:05

You are vile , cold and callous . I hope your husband leaves you . I also hope any future DiL thinks the same about you .

Monty27 · 15/01/2025 05:14

Heartless @Ggggggggggggggggyh

ChubbyMorticia · 15/01/2025 08:13

I’ve worked in palliative care. I’ve watched what a slow passing does to the family. It’s like a bow across violin strings, one long, unending note that feels like it will last forever. It will end, it must end, but it seems to last forever and ever.

When there is no hope of recovery, only a matter of when, not if, it seems unutterably cruel the longer it takes. The pain is drawn out, the uncertainty of when only adding to it.

I’ve had family tell me they wished it was over. I didn’t judge them at all. Watching someone die a breath at a time is a special kind of hell for a lot of people who go through it at a loved one’s bedside.

ThDanielDay · 15/01/2025 08:42

ChubbyMorticia · 15/01/2025 08:13

I’ve worked in palliative care. I’ve watched what a slow passing does to the family. It’s like a bow across violin strings, one long, unending note that feels like it will last forever. It will end, it must end, but it seems to last forever and ever.

When there is no hope of recovery, only a matter of when, not if, it seems unutterably cruel the longer it takes. The pain is drawn out, the uncertainty of when only adding to it.

I’ve had family tell me they wished it was over. I didn’t judge them at all. Watching someone die a breath at a time is a special kind of hell for a lot of people who go through it at a loved one’s bedside.

I watched both my parents die rather slowly. There's a world of difference between wanting a loved one to pass because they're in pain and it's traumatising to watch someone you love slowly eek away and wanting someone to die because you disliked them and their death is annoying you

LostittoBostik · 15/01/2025 08:47

MILsAreHumanToo · 15/01/2025 00:10

@Ggggggggggggggggyh are you related to my friend’s DIL? I guess legalised killing by medics can’t come soon enough for some relatives. I hope those who will be making that decision do not share your icy heart and mindset. The one person I feel so sorry for is your innocent child. What sort of example are you showing about all sorts of things, but especially how little you value life. Poor kid.

This is a good point actually. This thread could be used as part of the campaign to amend the assisted dying bill as there will be clear pressure from family members

Tourmalines · 15/01/2025 09:04

ChubbyMorticia · 15/01/2025 08:13

I’ve worked in palliative care. I’ve watched what a slow passing does to the family. It’s like a bow across violin strings, one long, unending note that feels like it will last forever. It will end, it must end, but it seems to last forever and ever.

When there is no hope of recovery, only a matter of when, not if, it seems unutterably cruel the longer it takes. The pain is drawn out, the uncertainty of when only adding to it.

I’ve had family tell me they wished it was over. I didn’t judge them at all. Watching someone die a breath at a time is a special kind of hell for a lot of people who go through it at a loved one’s bedside.

In the ops case , her wanting the MIL to kick the bucket as quick as possible is because she can’t stand the woman and thinks she’s a fucking pain in the arse . Hardly comparable.

Onlycoffee · 15/01/2025 09:16

I hope you never say any of this out loud to your dp.

You need to let him get on with it, this isn't the time for tough love or hard truths.

Also, why does someone who sat around watching television have less right to life, what would you prefer she did to deserve some sympathy?

BorgQueen · 15/01/2025 09:27

I don’t blame OP one bit. Families can be mental when someone is dying and it’s bloody exhausting.
When my FiL was dying at home, my SiL went against all common sense and advice from the hospice nurses, she refused to admit he was dying and would practically force feed him to make him ‘better’.

She didn’t tell her adult Sons he was dying, even when it was obvious, DH ended up telling our oldest Nephew and he was grateful.
SiL was in complete denial and it ended up in massive rows after he died, she and DH ended up not speaking for a year because she was so vile when they were sorting out the estate.

myplace · 15/01/2025 09:55

It’s awful watching a loved one in denial, suffering through the slow passing of their loved one.

Families are complicated. Many of us have lovely parents who supported us and we will miss desperately. Others have much more complicated relationships, with people who suck the life out of others. We love them anyway. We may not even realise and it’s the onlooker who can see the dynamic.

I wouldn’t rush to assume OP deserves all the names she’s been called on this thread.

SunshineSky81 · 15/01/2025 10:36

Palliative acre and End of life care are two separate things. You can be on Palliative care for Months and sometimes years, so it is not always the case that they are actively dying, and it is very much possible that your MIL may rally and you will go through this all again in a few months so you need to be prepared for that.

Your attitude in this is horrible. Regardless of how you feel, or how little you care for your MIL, your husband needs support. If you were my wife and i read what you had wrote our marriage would not survive.

My own mother is Palliative care only now, she has end stage COPD and Alzheimer's. Yes, i do hope that the end comes quickly for her. I hope that her body gives up before her mind goes completely and she does not recognize the people that love her. But all of this is because i want what is kindest for her. I don't want her in pain, bedridden, or scared. It is not because i don't like her and her long drawn out demise is a inconvenience to me. - All of which is true, being a carer is bloody hard work, i am emotionally and physically shattered. But she is my mum, and i love her and will be devastated when she does die, even though i can recognize that for her it be the end of her suffering

youngoldthing · 15/01/2025 12:05

ChubbyMorticia · 15/01/2025 08:13

I’ve worked in palliative care. I’ve watched what a slow passing does to the family. It’s like a bow across violin strings, one long, unending note that feels like it will last forever. It will end, it must end, but it seems to last forever and ever.

When there is no hope of recovery, only a matter of when, not if, it seems unutterably cruel the longer it takes. The pain is drawn out, the uncertainty of when only adding to it.

I’ve had family tell me they wished it was over. I didn’t judge them at all. Watching someone die a breath at a time is a special kind of hell for a lot of people who go through it at a loved one’s bedside.

Is that the vibe you got from the OP?

I certainly didn’t.