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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL in Palliative Care Unit

129 replies

Ggggggggggggggggyh · 14/01/2025 15:09

Ok, so my DH and I are currently took a week off with our toddler to spend some time with his mum who has been admitted to a palliative care unit in the hospital. The rest of the family have been visiting my MIL who has been up and down and the doctors have clearly said that the inevitable will soon come to pass and that everyone should just make my MIL as comfortable as possible. My DH is very protective and caring and super loving towards his mother out of everyone in the family. Ive never been close to his MIL because she reminded me of my late father who did nothing to help improve their health despite the help and care given.

My DH has been so stressed and upset and of course he will be and Ive been giving him so many hugs and comforting words...but not anything to give him hope. He's been insistent on having our toddler see his grandma everyday and I refused because I do not want our son to be exposed to something like this so early on in his life. I just want our son to remember happy memories with his grandma. He basically was forcing our son to give his mum kisses and hugs while she had her oxygen mask on and our son kept saying, 'I don't want to' and was visibly upset. Our son eventually did but I said that once or twice is fine but not everyday. My DH is positive that his mother will get better soon and he's getting his hopes up again because his MIL is now being moved to a different unit.

Im really just wanting my MIL to kick the bucket now and just get everything over and done with. Honestly, she's better off gone because all she ever did was just sit and watch TV and complain about her pains and constantly moaning about everything. I sound like a bitch but I really don't care. It's just stressful having someone like her around and it doesn't help my son and I when DH is constantly wanting immediate updates on her and simply refuses to admit that her time is nearly up.

My lack of empathy probably stems from my relationship with my father. We loved each other so much but we both knew that when my father's health deteriortated, he just really wanted to die and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I had no other family left when he passed away and that was only two months after my son was born and I had to take care of it all myself. No time for tears or grief, just the need to get it over and done with because I had a son to think about. That's basically how Im feeling now. People who have been suffering from a long term illness for a long time eventually do pass away and when that reality is staring right at you in the face, I don't get why some people just refuse to believe it.

Would you say that it's better to just leave my DH be? Or do I need to tell him outright that what is happening to his mum is just out of our control and that we should just let the doctors do their jobs?

OP posts:

Efillufwa · 14/01/2025 17:13

You sound very harsh - judging your MILs life as basically worthless and hoping she kicks the bucket soon.
It sounds like opposites attract with you and your DH as he sounds like the dedicated, loyal, loving one and you sound selfish and cold. Maybe your future DIL will pray for your death too, or maybe your son will turn out just like you and not give a crap about you at all either and hope you die.

Efillufwa · 14/01/2025 17:13

JustTalkToThem · 14/01/2025 17:15

Second time I've used this statement ...

"You might have a point but you make it like an asshole"

HelloPossible · 14/01/2025 17:17

Why does everyone have to be doing things (often completely pointless in my eyes) to be judged to have a good quality of life? If someone loves you and sees you in a way nobody else does, not having them in your life anymore is going to be a huge blow particularly a loving mother. The fact they just watch TV and don’t meet your specifications for an interesting person doesn’t matter at all. She is loved and deserves your husband’s time and if he had a nice family their time too.

Saschka · 14/01/2025 17:24

You really do sound incredibly callous. What have you done with your life that is so amazing? Five Nobel prizes and cured cancer in your spare time? Thought not.

You have a son, I hope your DIL isn’t actively wishing you dead in 30 years’ time because she doesn’t think your life is interesting enough.

Saschka · 14/01/2025 17:27

Shirtella · 14/01/2025 16:56

Your attitude to your MIL is the reason why I feel so uncomfortable regarding euthanasia.

Same, honestly. There are some unbelievably horrible people in the world.

Anxioustealady · 14/01/2025 17:30

You do come across quite badly here OP but I do agree I wouldn't want a young child seeing someone dying if it would be distressing for them. Every day would be crazy, I wouldn't expect a teenager to do that either.

I would never force a child to kiss someone if they were saying they didn't want to either. I would try be more supportive to your husband and let him handle this situation how he wants, but I would put my foot down about the child.

Frostine · 14/01/2025 17:34

When it's your turn to " kick the bucket " remember it's convenient to do it quickly and without the continued love of your family around you .

MissMoneyFairy · 14/01/2025 17:39

But she's not around, she's in a palliative care unit, don't visit her, you clearly don't like her, your dh can visit as often as he likes. Children needn't visit when they say they don't want to.

ZenNudist · 14/01/2025 17:40

Seriously harsh. Find your humanity. Hurry up and die is no way to think!!!!

Topseyt123 · 14/01/2025 17:40

You hope that your MIL kicks the bucket soon!! Just to stop inconveniencing you!

I was sort of with you until then, but now I just think that you must have had a total empathy bypass. Disgraceful. Yes, you come across as a first class bitch.

Surely your child visiting his grandma while she is on end of life care could give both of them some pleasure. Let DH handle it his way for now.

ZenNudist · 14/01/2025 17:40

Seriously harsh. Find your humanity. Hurry up and die is no way to think!!!!

ShodAndShadySenators · 14/01/2025 17:42

How do you think your husband would feel if he saw your words? That's HIS MOTHER you're dismissing so coldly - I've never seen such a chilling lack of empathy for a dying human being and her distressed and grieving son. Your poor DH.

I can well understand feeling someone's death is a blessing in disguise, as it's the end to their suffering. But that's not what you're thinking about, you're just thinking how inconvenient it is that your family's focused on the dying woman for just now. Wittering on about your dad's demise isn't disguising the fact that you don't give a monkeys about this sad event.

FWIW I don't think it's necessary that your young child should be present much, some visits to see her if it brings her pleasure are fine, but forcing him to submit to actual contact he doesn't want isn't necessary.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2025 17:44

What a nasty person you are. You should have stayed away as you will be no comfort to your poor husband.

Fetburzswefg · 14/01/2025 17:45

ExtraOnions · 14/01/2025 17:11

You want your MIL to hurry up and die, so it stops being inconvenient to you ?

I’ve heard some cold shit in my time, but that takes the biscuit.

You’re right, you do sound like a bitch.

You have some fair and valid points - your toddler absolutely shouldn’t be forced to kiss his grandma, and it’s ok for you to stand firm on that. But your absolute empathy failure re your husband is something you need to deal with because it’s awful to read.

You need to continue to be kind and supportive and loving to your husband in this very distressing time, without allowing this horrible ‘she deserves to die and might as well get on with it now’ attitude to influence your behaviour. You don’t have to give him false hope but you do need to offer comfort and love while you navigate this. It’s about what he needs, not your perspective on the situation.

edit to add: apologies, I didn’t mean to quote this response, my comments are directed at OP.

couch2wtf · 14/01/2025 17:52

You need to watch the way you speak about this, it will be clear what you really think to your husband and that will hurt him greatly.

If I ever found out my husband had spoken about my Dad like that when he was dying I would have divorced him. I think your language is horrible.

Heronwatcher · 14/01/2025 17:53

YANBU about your son being forced to kiss her when he doesn’t want to. I’d put my foot down on this but I would suggest alternatives like telling her about his day, rewarding a story etc, unless just the sight of her is upsetting. I’d discuss this kindly but firmly with your DH first.

About everything else YABU. Plenty of old people are miserable buggers in their later years. Your DH remembers her as she was, and she’s his mum. Your role here is to support him.

outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 17:54

I don't know how old your toddler is and whether he may or may not remember this.

But a good question to ask is how do you want your child to remember their loved one, as when they were up and about or on their deathbed?

Forcing affection when your toddler is scared is a nogo. Adults can be terrified when someone is surrounded by medical equipment, and young kids even more so.

Barney16 · 14/01/2025 18:01

I think you need to dig deep and find some empathy. Not just cuddles and comforting words but genuine empathy. How you felt and feel about your father's death is irrelevant in this situation because it is your DH grief and his mother that is dying. Sometimes to support the people that we love we have to put aside our own thoughts and ideas. Yes that may make you seethe, feel frustrated and angry but stop focussing on your own internal dialogue. When you say you don't care I think that's true, you really don't care about her but your husband does. He loves her and he doesn't want her to die.

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 14/01/2025 18:04

Not forcing your child to kiss mil is fine and I wouldn't make my child either but my god... You're waiting for her to kick the bucket? You are vile.

AelinAG · 14/01/2025 18:09

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want your child to be upset, not at all. Your DH is not being fair to your son here.

It sounds like you had to just deal with your dad, with no time to process and grieve, you’ve never had the time to and so you don’t really ‘get’ all this faffing about (sorry for the wording) with MIL dying and presumably what comes after. It might well come from a place of grief and jealousy and loss. Grief is complicated no matter how you felt and this sounds like it’s bringing it all back up.

I also understand your POV that it would be better for MIL to go if she’s so ill, and am currently going through this thought process with an extended family member. But you’re not making the point very well - presumably cause of the above. If DH isn’t in a place to process it though, you can’t make him.

If you’re only off for a week, grit your teeth and bear it. Once you’re back at work and not around it all the time, it’ll grate less

Franjipanl8r · 14/01/2025 18:14

Your post is very narcissistic. There’s really no need whatsoever to put your own thoughts and opinions front and centre in your DH’s time of need.

Radionowhere · 14/01/2025 18:18

You're being unreasonable objecting to your toddler visiting your MIL. Let DH take him. He's wrong to insist on kissing though, that's gross and unnecessary.

ChiliFiend · 14/01/2025 18:19

I think you are really hurt that you didn't have the same help and support when you were in the same situation. I recognise that under the bitterness. I think you need to vent to a trusted friend or a therapist. Do NOT say what you are thinking of saying to your husband. He'll never forget it, and you'll never be able to turn back time and be there for him when his mother died, how ever much you might wish you had.

BIossomtoes · 14/01/2025 18:20

As a pp said, I hope your bloke has someone kind and empathetic to support him because you’re clearly not up to the job. Poor man.

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