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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - upset at how our relationship started?

126 replies

HoneyDewBee · 14/01/2025 14:52

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 14/01/2025 14:54

He wasn’t single tho if he was with you unless I’ve misunderstood your timeline

Emilianoo · 14/01/2025 14:57

He was single. You were single. If you'd have met someone and hit it off why would you hold back because of a random who you met at a wedding who you have shared a few messages with?

And wow, you read his messages?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/01/2025 14:58

Exactly when was he seeing her and when did it stop?

ClawedButler · 14/01/2025 14:58

Bless you, you know you're being unreasonable but it's not always as easy as that to turn off your feelings.

I think you need to look into your own reaction to this, and your insecurities. He hasn't done anything wrong as such, but what he HAS done has been interpreted by you as you not being first choice.

You are allowed to want to be someone's first choice, btw. That is not an unreasonable thing to want.

However, it's unreasonable to expect him to know that. He isn't a mind-reader, and the "rules" of dating these days are so vague and open to interpretation that what's fine in one person's book is a deal-breaker in someone else's.

Perhaps a conversation about this, focused on needs, wants and perceptions might be helpful?

StMick · 14/01/2025 15:02

A few indicators that he wasn't peachy keen there OP, not showing any interest at first, you both kept missing each other, you suggested coffee and he didn't reply nor contact you again for a few months.

In your shoes I'd walk away, find someone who is all in with you from the off.

strawbearing · 14/01/2025 15:06

You caused this by snooping his messages.

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2025 15:33

Why did you feel the need to read his messages? Yabu

renoleno · 14/01/2025 15:35

If you felt secure and appreciated by him, you wouldn't be reading his messages. So it does seem like he's never been that invested in you and isn't now either (despite him saying he loves you). I wouldn't want to be someone's rebound either so I don't blame you for feeling miffed. The trouble isn't that he was seeing her before you, it's that you're sensing a disinterest/feeling apprehensive about his feelings. That coupled with his 'meh' response to you all this time tells you what you need to know. Life is too short to spend it with anyone who makes you feel insecure. It doesn't have to be a movie where he falls madly in love with you at first meeting but his response to date has been very lukewarm and initiated by you mostly - in your shoes I'd hold out for someone who isn't so dithery about you. Or keeps irons in the fire in case a relationship doesn't work out.

JohnTheRevelator · 14/01/2025 15:36

You do realize that you will get flamed on here for reading his messages?! To be honest,I don't blame you!

renoleno · 14/01/2025 15:38

Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read

Also this - no one truly interested is leaving you on read. Even if it's making up an excuse to not hurt your feelings. I've been in his shoes and was always honest that I'd met someone else and was seeing how things were going - and would expect similar honesty from anyone I dated. But just being ignored isn't the start of a great love!

BlondeMamaToBe · 14/01/2025 15:38

JohnTheRevelator · 14/01/2025 15:36

You do realize that you will get flamed on here for reading his messages?! To be honest,I don't blame you!

MN is full of people telling others to check phones and emails.

Strawberrysyrup · 14/01/2025 15:39

You need to break up.

I’m horribly brutal aren’t I - but to be honest checking messages this early on = no trust.

Personally, I think he was probably just not interested but wanted to keep a few woman on the line just in case. She was no longer interested, so he jumps ship to you.

I personally do not see this working out.

I have been in your position before, run

Strawberrysyrup · 14/01/2025 15:40

He probably was ditched by the girl he was chatting to, bored so thought he’d ask to meet up with you. He knew you’d be willing to meet up as he had you on the back burner, sorry.

No one interested leaves you on read and makes every excuse not to see you.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/01/2025 15:41

He chose you. He could've been seeing multiple women casually. You weren't a couple.
He's still friends on SM with one person he dated casually. I wouldn't call that the biggest red flag ever. But if you're already feeling suspicious he has still got feelings for her then maybe the relationship isn't going to last.

TiramisuThief · 14/01/2025 15:43

I agree with PP that if you felt secure you wouldn't have felt the need to read his messages.

Not going to get into the rights and wrongs, it's done now and inevitably you haven't found anything reassuring.

If a man left me on read i wouldn't be going on a date. But that's me as an old codger, when I was younger and more naive I might have. But I'm my experience a man who is interested in you will let you know.

nodramaplz · 14/01/2025 15:45

If I was with someone a few months and he read my messages I'd be FUMING!
If my husband read my messages now, I'd be FUMING .

Bang out of order!
You weren't together.

Now you have, you've tainted your own relationship.... that won't go away!

DaisyChain505 · 14/01/2025 15:47

I’m anything what I see here is a guy who refused to meet you or entertain a romantic relationship with you whilst he was with someone else. Where’s the issue?

Cherry8809 · 14/01/2025 15:48

It sounds like he viewed you as an option, hence the picking you up and dropping you.

I imagine he would probably reach out to you or be receptive to making plans when things weren’t going well with the woman he was involved with, and put you on the back burner again when they got better.

It’s up to you what you choose to do with that, but I wouldn’t enjoy feeling like I was the backup plan.

Ponoka7 · 14/01/2025 15:53

I'd want to know the timeliness of his other relationship. I'd want to know if he was with her while suggesting to meet. Men generally do check out of a relationship and have another lined up before it ends. I'd want to know if that was the case, if he starts being distant, you know it's coming to an end.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/01/2025 16:12

He says he loves you.... maybe ask him about that? eg . When did he realise? Then you could ask why it took him so long to get together/left you on hold? and see what he thinks.
It's the only way you will know.
How do you feel about him? Is it a relationship that's grown as you got to know each other better. How would you feel if you hadn't looked at his past.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/01/2025 16:24

Depends a bit on what the overlap was, it's not clear from your posts.

If he was making moves towards you while he was with her, I'd be worried he'd do the same to me (unless they'd both agreed it was a short term or non exclusive thing).

If it was like
Attempt to meet up but keep missing each other
Then he goes quiet and is with her for a couple of months
Then they break up and he pursues you...
then fair enough, you weren't available enough so he picked someone who actually seemed interested and had time, then when it didn't work out with her he gave things with you another shot. You can't expect him to be committed to you before your relationship began!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/01/2025 16:34

"I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him."

How long have you actually been together? Because I get the impression that it really hasn't been that long what with the not-being-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time and then being left on read for months (fuck me, but that was poor of him!).

Personally I wouldn't invest any more time in this man, because I think you're right - he sees you as convenient, and he sees saying he loves you as facilitating his convenience Sad. He's just not that into you, as the saying goe - and so why waste precious time on him?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/01/2025 16:34

@HoneyDewBee sounds more like he was hedging his bets!!

UpUpUpU · 14/01/2025 16:52

With kindness OP, he doesn’t love you after this short amount of time. Move on and enjoy your life.

If you feel the need to check his messages (which is unacceptable) then it’s not a healthy relationship

Relaxaholic · 14/01/2025 16:54

It would bother me, too, OP.

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