AIBU - upset at how our relationship started?

[HoneyDewBee]

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

I wouldn't want to go out with someone who had a relationship with someone after meeting me. As obviously they aren't that struck with you in the first place if that's the case. Unless you're talking years down the line

I think there is a difference between having had previous relationships and stringing someone on (keeping them warm) whilst having a relationship with someone else.

In OPs case it would make you feel second best wouldn’t it?

But I do think sometimes second choices can turn out to be much better. Some of the men who would have been my first choice turned out to be real arseholes 🤣

You didn't trust him even before you knew the content of the messages, otherwise you wouldn't have looked at them in the first place.

Based on that, this relationship is doomed. The content of the messages is irrelevant.

Yes that's how I read it. He's been stringing her along / keeping her warm while exploring other options. Totally different to having had prior relationships in the past before meeting.

It's a non event - you were just exchanging a handful of messages pre dating. There's no reason why he wouldn't have started seeing someone else during that time, and seeing if it was going to go somewhere. It clearly didn't and now you've started dating.

Isn't this how dating normally works? Or am I missing something.

Blimey. So they need to immediately fall for you on meeting and if they have the temerity to not do, and see someone else, then you’re not interested?

I’m with you. I bet there are many many women on here who have met someone, not got together with them, seen someone else then when single, fallen for the first person.

what you’re missing is the fact that for many people the man must be an arse.

How has he strung her along and kept her warm? He literally didn’t speak or engage at all while he was seeing someone

I haven't been in that situation so I honestly don't know.
Myself and dp met 5 years ago and from that moment on there wasn't any dating of other people.
Pretty much the same in past relationships.
I think if using OLD it would be naive to to think they aren't speaking to other people but once things are at a sexual stage I'd want to be exclusive.

Sounds like contact was on and off? I need to re read it. Being pestered by children haha

He hasn’t actually done anything wrong, you did by snooping through his phone. Not sure anyone would enjoy reading through old messages sent between their partner and their ex while they were dating. You fucked around and found out.

But it’s MN so…he’s a prick, leave him.

You snooped and now you are paying the price of feeling he doesn’t like you ‘enough’. I know it’s hard and painful but my friend, you are in the wrong here. Never look at a partner’s private correspondence. It’s so disrespectful and childish. So what he wasn’t sure at first, he is now. Put this to bed and enjoy the relationship as it is TODAY and stop looking for reasons to tear it down.

This with bells on:

“Billydavey · Today 09:55

“Poppyseeds79 · Today 09:50
It's a non event - you were just exchanging a handful of messages pre dating. There's no reason why he wouldn't have started seeing someone else during that time, and seeing if it was going to go somewhere. It clearly didn't and now you've started dating.
Isn't this how dating normally works? Or am I missing something.”

I’m with you. I bet there are many many women on here who have met someone, not got together with them, seen someone else then when single, fallen for the first person.”

Another here who thinks he’s done nothing wrong. @HoneyDewBee - you just shouldn’t have snooped. What possessed you? Of course you can’t unsee that stuff but you should never have seen it in the first place.

Can you imagine a woman posting “my partner is upset I dated someone else after we’d met but not got together, and he snooped through my messages to find out”

there wouldn’t be a single post supporting her partner!

OP wasn't even at meeting for a coffee stage by that point 😆

Showing some interest in maybe going on a date is not stringing along. That should be a zero expectation situation.

I must have slightly higher standards then as I don't really want to be with someone who shows some mild interest like I'm a film at the cinema they may get round to seeing. I'd expect more chemistry than that. I'm not talking love at first sight. But upon actually meeting in person for the first time there being enough chemistry that you are actively pursuing each other from the get go.

Women today are so short changed!!!!!!You are soooooo better knowing the truth!!!!!!!!! There are TWO possibilities for an out come ; ( I think it all depends on genuine LOVE) THE FIRST out come is : You continue like nothing happened and He continues like he loves you but it all fizzles out and YOU get HURT BIG TIME!!!!!!!!
Next scenario is: YOU distance yourself and are not confrontational but continue enjoying your life but HE comes to his senses and you rekindle your relationship.
If he and you genuinely HAve f3elings for each other then it shouldn't matter but since you have to protect your heart then you need to step back and collect your thoufhts otherwise you are just entering a LOVE TRIANGLE and convincing yourself you're not worth MORE!!!!!! If it's a Love Triangle which ended for him with the other chick then I'm gonna be on my guard as this type never change and will do it again.

I would just get rid in this situation. You will end up being his back up if not already.
Find someone who is truly into you. This one isn't.

Don't lots of relationships start off this way? When I first got together with DH, I had recently split up with an ex-boyfriend, and tbh back then if he'd wanted to get back together I'd probably have said yes (as I was really upset when he finished with me). Now I've been happily married to DH for 21 years and we have three kids! It doesn't matter how things started. Everyone has a history.

🤣 did you even read what she posted.

You are, of course, perfectly able to start or not start a relationship with anyone, for any reason at all.

I don't, however, see what you've written as being "high standards", but the kind of personal capriciousness we're all entitled to for dating or relationships. The instant-chemistry-or-never-ever concept isn't a high standard, it's just a preference on your part.

I met my now-DH when we both started university, studying the same subject. We were initially friends, then closer friends, then started going out together. I'd have lost out massively if I'd decided not to go out with him because I hadn't felt any immediate chemistry or done any active pursuit!

Yes good point and think my original reply was worded clumsy. It is a personal preference. I'm of course aware of "slow burner" relationships but I've never experienced that tbh.
In the time between you being friends then partners did either of you date other people.

Not as in full sexual relationships starting after we met, no, but the odd night out with a person of the opposite sex, flirting, etc, yes. I was still going out with a pre-university boyfriend until I split up with him (amicably, a, "at different ends of the country at uni" thing) a couple of months after I met then, "nice bloke in my tutor group" and now-DH.

I probably need my own flag and identity label, though, because I'm almost the opposite of you - I can't imagine feeling very strong chemistry with a man I don't know!

Paper clipping when they don't actually want you but they keep you hanging on. I would feel like you do. All the time he was seeing someone, but never told you.
I guess it worked out in the end ...destiny and all that but he hasn't really covered himself in glory has he?
I suppose you could be worried that this previous relationship could sort up again or that he could be stringing you along until someone else comes along.
It's not.compulsory to be in an entanglement so if your gut feeling is that you were the back up plan then dump him and be kind to yourself.
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you to listen to your hunch.