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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - upset at how our relationship started?

126 replies

HoneyDewBee · 14/01/2025 14:52

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

OP posts:
Billydavey · 14/01/2025 16:56

DaisyChain505 · 14/01/2025 15:47

I’m anything what I see here is a guy who refused to meet you or entertain a romantic relationship with you whilst he was with someone else. Where’s the issue?

This. What’s he done wrong?

BeensOnToost · 14/01/2025 16:58

By your timeline, you started dating "a few months after summer" so....what, October? So you've been dating 3 months? Just dump and move on, you'll not be happy with him.

You only have 2 real choices - accept or reject. Don't fall victim to low self esteem thinking that there is a 3rd choice where you can dwell on it and hope it goes away.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 14/01/2025 17:03

It’s just timing.

It doesn’t mean you are back up, or rebound.

Just finally in the same place at the same time, and both single at the same time.

You will wreck what is and what could be if you carry on like this.

But if it doesn’t feel right, you don’t feel it’s going anywhere, you don’t feel he cares about you, then just end it.

You don’t have to have ‘evidence’ of his ‘wrongdoing’.

SadlySally · 14/01/2025 17:07

StMick · 14/01/2025 15:02

A few indicators that he wasn't peachy keen there OP, not showing any interest at first, you both kept missing each other, you suggested coffee and he didn't reply nor contact you again for a few months.

In your shoes I'd walk away, find someone who is all in with you from the off.

if men want to, they will.

It might be a case of a rocky start and NOW he is all in, as he says. It doesn’t invalidate your current relationship that you had different views of how it began. Your vision that you were both all in from the initial meeting was not shared. However, he did choose you.

I think you need to talk to him and see how he feels about you really. If it’s not enough, or this is always going to niggle and you can’t move past it, let him go.

itsstillmehere · 14/01/2025 17:07

strawbearing · 14/01/2025 15:06

You caused this by snooping his messages.

No she didn't.

myplace · 14/01/2025 17:08

It would bother me. He settled. I would struggle with that and feel less secure.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/01/2025 17:29

It's not great, is it. Sounds as if he pursued the other relationship and moved over to you when it didn't work out. Are you worried he might do the same to you? Are you happy with him in other ways.

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 17:40

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/01/2025 17:29

It's not great, is it. Sounds as if he pursued the other relationship and moved over to you when it didn't work out. Are you worried he might do the same to you? Are you happy with him in other ways.

I might be missing something but it looks to me like he didn’t pursue the OP when he was with someone else but then did when he was single. I’m not sure what’s wrong with that.

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 17:41

myplace · 14/01/2025 17:08

It would bother me. He settled. I would struggle with that and feel less secure.

I’m not sure he settled, unless every relationship after the first one that didn’t work out is settling. Surely he just moved on like everyone does.

myplace · 14/01/2025 17:45

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 17:41

I’m not sure he settled, unless every relationship after the first one that didn’t work out is settling. Surely he just moved on like everyone does.

Show quote history

No, he chose the first person when both were an option. Only engaged with OP when option 1 failed.

If you are seeing several people at the same time, then one gets serious, that’s different. He wasn’t interested when he was single, then he was vaguely interested, but lost interest when someone else turned up. Now he’s interested again.

I’d struggle to trust that he’d not bail as soon as a better option comes along.

40YearOldDad · 14/01/2025 17:53

Isn't everyone a rebound at some point, or would you have been happier if he was seeing both of you and then he stuck with you?

The guy dates women, doesn't work out, dates other woman, other woman gets mad after reading his messages.

Catza · 14/01/2025 17:53

You lost me at "I checked his messages". If you go looking for shit, you will find it. I had about 5 guys on the go when I met my partner and it took me a couple of dates to figure out that he was the one I wanted to progress the relationship with. I was single at the time and dating other people in the first two weeks of the relationship absolutely did not make me love him any less going forward.
You've created this situation yourself. Before you went snooping on his phone, you were perfectly content. Now you are not but the only thing that changed is you snooping on his phone. It may be news to you but it is actually illegal and he has full right to report you to the police under Computer Misuse Act.

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 17:53

He did contact op but she was away. Presume he then met someone so did not pursue op. Then when single, did.

still don’t see anything wrong or any settling tbh

thats to myplace, the quote disappeared

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/01/2025 17:59

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 17:40

I might be missing something but it looks to me like he didn’t pursue the OP when he was with someone else but then did when he was single. I’m not sure what’s wrong with that.

Show quote history

It sounds as if he was keeping OP on hold, as it were, while he pursued another relationship, rather than telling her that he'd met someone else and then getting in touch after that relationship ended. He was single at the time so it wasn't cheating, but he was keeping his cards very close to his chest, and I imagine it has left OP wondering what else he hasn't been open about.

mom2daisypie · 14/01/2025 18:22

On paper, he was single and free to do as he liked. However, now you're in a relationship you do have a right to understand his mindset and intentions for a future with you to a degree. 2 things stand out for me:

  1. Something must have been bugging you for you to read his messages in the first place. If I were you that would be enough of a red flag that this isn't the right person for me. Your gut was obviously saying that you can't trust him or that he might be up to something for you to look. Having previously been in an 18 year, stable relationship I know what its like to trust your partner and never once felt the need to look on his phone or social media. It came to an end because I realised I no longer loved him, not because he was unfaithful. Ive also been in a relationship with someone who made me question my own mind through his inconsistent actions (leaving me on read, not calling me back etc) and so I know what it's like to have a niggling doubt that won't go away. The latter is NOT healthy and will eat away at your mental health over time. These relationships are completely not worth your time. Believe me.
  2. The lack of interest from him in the early days. I don't know all of the details of course, but from what you've said, I'm afraid it does sound like you were, for want of a better phrase, on the "subs bench". Maybe he felt lonely after the other relationship ended and knew you'd be company for him. He certainly didn't seek you out. try to win you over or make you feel like a priority. I think you deserve better.
corvidconvo · 14/01/2025 18:31

I wouldn't like that, either. You've only been together for a few months, so there's less at stake here. You have a few options: Ignore your doubts and hope for the best, speak to him/gather more information (and carefully monitor your gut reactions based on his responses), or move on in hopes of finding someone who seems more into you from the start.

I think I'd want someone who made me feel like first choice, personally, but you may have other considerations that make it worth sticking it out for a while.

(And while I don't blame you in the slightest for reading his messages, the knowledge does come at a price: It will take a very long time for you to forget what you read, if you ever do, and having that in the back of your mind won't help your confidence in this relationship.)

ColourBlueColourPurple · 14/01/2025 20:50

Guys will try their luck with anyone. It sounds as though he was on his own so thought he'd have a crack at you. It would very much bother me that I was his second choice and I wouldn't be overly keen on continuing things tbh.

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/01/2025 07:11

He’s not done anything wrong but this would give me the ick for no good reason!

Amba1998 · 18/01/2025 07:24

Sorry but it’s seems abit obvious here. If he wasn’t committing to meeting up and kept leaving you on read I would have assumed he had someone else on the go. After all the flakiness and leaving you on read I wouldn’t have given him a chance for a date tbh

Vannymcvan · 18/01/2025 07:24

It's not clear whether they were seeing each other before you met up, or after. If before, she's probably the reason he left you on read. In which case, nothing had happened between you and him and YABU. Although you'd have thought he would have mentioned their brief relationship at some point.
If he was seeing both of you at the same time, YANBU. He has lied by ommission. He should have said from the start that although he liked you, he wanted to keep his options open and see other women. Then you could have decided whether you were happy to proceed on that basis. In these circumstances, he's led you on, is not that into you and is a untrustworthy shit.
In either case, it doesn't sound like this is the sort of relationship you want. If it was me, I'd dump him - heartache now vs worse heartache later. And get an STD check

Amba1998 · 18/01/2025 07:25

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/01/2025 17:59

It sounds as if he was keeping OP on hold, as it were, while he pursued another relationship, rather than telling her that he'd met someone else and then getting in touch after that relationship ended. He was single at the time so it wasn't cheating, but he was keeping his cards very close to his chest, and I imagine it has left OP wondering what else he hasn't been open about.

Show quote history

I disagree that leaving someone on read is keeping someone on hold. To me that’s a sign someone is currently interested!

User09678 · 18/01/2025 07:28

StMick · 14/01/2025 15:02

A few indicators that he wasn't peachy keen there OP, not showing any interest at first, you both kept missing each other, you suggested coffee and he didn't reply nor contact you again for a few months.

In your shoes I'd walk away, find someone who is all in with you from the off.

I would have left it too.

How long have you been together now?

User09678 · 18/01/2025 07:28

Amba1998 · 18/01/2025 07:25

I disagree that leaving someone on read is keeping someone on hold. To me that’s a sign someone is currently interested!

Show quote history

I interested? Did you mean uninterested?

Amba1998 · 18/01/2025 07:29

Amba1998 · 18/01/2025 07:25

I disagree that leaving someone on read is keeping someone on hold. To me that’s a sign someone is currently interested!

Show quote history

Currently not interested that should have read!

SunshineAndFizz · 18/01/2025 07:32

I don't often say this, but pull yourself together.

He was single, he dated someone else, it ended and now you're happily seeing each other. Don't overthink it or look for the drama. Sounds like he always had a soft spot for you but the timing didn't work out and he met someone else in the meantime.

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