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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - upset at how our relationship started?

126 replies

HoneyDewBee · 14/01/2025 14:52

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

OP posts:
JollyZebra · 18/01/2025 20:01

If he doesn't make you feel secure then he's probably not the one for you.

If you want more from him, then you'd better ask him why there was a break in contact when you first suggested meeting up. Depending on his answer you'd have a good idea as to whether he is serious now.

Machachacha · 18/01/2025 20:13

I really don't think he did anything wrong.
He was suiting himself.
You were back up that he kept warm, men and women do this all the time.

Its unfortunate you have read his messages.
I would expect him to be seriously unimpressed if he finds this out, I know I would be.
I also know that I would be totally turned off having read those messages.

I don't think you are going to get over it, so probably best to move on.

LBFseBrom · 18/01/2025 20:20

How is this man, whom you've hardly seen, your 'partner' ?

winter8090 · 19/01/2025 00:37

I think I would see the positive that he's not a cheat or someone who has multiple woman on the go.

How is your relationship? If it's good I wouldn't allow this chain on thought to ruin that. They broke up for a reason.

Miaminmoo · 19/01/2025 00:46

I don’t blame you for being upset or for reading his messages. Nobody wants to be the ‘plan B’. Years ago I had a relationship with someone who I realised wasn’t as in to me as I was him so I ended it. This was over 18 years ago and I’m now happily with DH and he randomly messaged me from time to time like I was the one that got away. Men can be so weird. I blocked him in the end as I have no interest whatsoever. You need to decide if you really want to be with this man, don’t settle for second best.

steff13 · 19/01/2025 01:01

So if I understand correctly:

  • He suggested you get together, but you couldn't because you were out of town.
  • You got home and suggested you get together, but he couldn't, because he was out of town.
  • You kept missing each other (do you live a distance apart?). In the meantime, he apparently met someone else he liked.
  • He was home for his birthday, you suggested you get together, he didn't reply (presumably because he was dating someone else).
  • A few months later, he contacted you to finally get together and you've been dating since then.

It sounds to me like the timing wasn't right at first for either of you. In the meantime he met someone that he liked and he wasn't committed to you so he started dating her. Then they broke up and he decided that he would pursue things with you. Unless you were chatting the whole time he was dating her, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

MyTwinklyPanda · 19/01/2025 07:50

Sounds like he's had you in the background waiting, hedging his bets. He's gone for the other woman first as he's liked her more (sorry, but I'm being straight with you), when that hasn't worked out he's sparked yours and his flirting back up. He'll have another woman waiting in the wings, like you were. I'm sure he's lovely and charming, easy to get on with etc. This is because this game he plays is his game and he's very good at it. Being charismatic and chatty are useful as he's easy to fall for.

Red flags all over this one, they'll only be one winner in this and it won't be you. You're going to have your heartbroken. Please leave him.

gannett · 19/01/2025 08:15

MyTwinklyPanda · 19/01/2025 07:50

Sounds like he's had you in the background waiting, hedging his bets. He's gone for the other woman first as he's liked her more (sorry, but I'm being straight with you), when that hasn't worked out he's sparked yours and his flirting back up. He'll have another woman waiting in the wings, like you were. I'm sure he's lovely and charming, easy to get on with etc. This is because this game he plays is his game and he's very good at it. Being charismatic and chatty are useful as he's easy to fall for.

Red flags all over this one, they'll only be one winner in this and it won't be you. You're going to have your heartbroken. Please leave him.

Hedging your bets is a normal and innate aspect of dating, because love at first sight doesn't exist. When you're dating there will always be multiple people you like the look of and see potential in. The one you go with first will usually be the one who shows obvious interest back and where the timing works out, rather than the one where you keep missing each other and not getting to meet.

So what this guy did is perfectly normal. Date one woman (during which time he didn't pursue OP). It doesn't work out so you go back to the dating pool and find someone else you also like. None of this is true love or going all in because that doesn't happen in the first few months of dating.

What the OP did, snooping through the messages, is unforgivable though. If I was him I'd be dumping her instantly for that. It's shocking behaviour.

MILLYmo0se · 19/01/2025 09:35

MyTwinklyPanda · 19/01/2025 07:50

Sounds like he's had you in the background waiting, hedging his bets. He's gone for the other woman first as he's liked her more (sorry, but I'm being straight with you), when that hasn't worked out he's sparked yours and his flirting back up. He'll have another woman waiting in the wings, like you were. I'm sure he's lovely and charming, easy to get on with etc. This is because this game he plays is his game and he's very good at it. Being charismatic and chatty are useful as he's easy to fall for.

Red flags all over this one, they'll only be one winner in this and it won't be you. You're going to have your heartbroken. Please leave him.

Or he just met the other woman at the stage it wasn't practical for he and OP to meet. He can't reasonably be expected to say no to every woman he meets because of a woman he met once at a wedding and kept in occasional contact with through social media

Billydavey · 19/01/2025 09:55

This place is bonkers sometimes

hes fine to date after he and the op spoke (but couldn’t meet up)

it doesn’t mean she’s second best

it doesn’t mean he’s stringing her along or doing anything wrong

sweetpickle2 · 19/01/2025 10:07

Another one not seeing what he did wrong.

You were talking, he didn’t want to meet up as he was dating someone, when that didn’t work out he was available and so were you. That’s just… dating surely?

Doesn’t mean you’re a backup, but you have to date different people to find the right one. You would be very fortunate to only date one person ever and that person happens to be your soulmate.

Reading messages is inexcusable though, the relationship is already dead.

wrped · 19/01/2025 10:08

Voneska · 18/01/2025 15:44

Women today are so short changed!!!!!!You are soooooo better knowing the truth!!!!!!!!! There are TWO possibilities for an out come ; ( I think it all depends on genuine LOVE) THE FIRST out come is : You continue like nothing happened and He continues like he loves you but it all fizzles out and YOU get HURT BIG TIME!!!!!!!!
Next scenario is: YOU distance yourself and are not confrontational but continue enjoying your life but HE comes to his senses and you rekindle your relationship.
If he and you genuinely HAve f3elings for each other then it shouldn't matter but since you have to protect your heart then you need to step back and collect your thoufhts otherwise you are just entering a LOVE TRIANGLE and convincing yourself you're not worth MORE!!!!!! If it's a Love Triangle which ended for him with the other chick then I'm gonna be on my guard as this type never change and will do it again.

are you high?

op snooped and it backfired

gannett · 19/01/2025 10:15

sweetpickle2 · 19/01/2025 10:07

Another one not seeing what he did wrong.

You were talking, he didn’t want to meet up as he was dating someone, when that didn’t work out he was available and so were you. That’s just… dating surely?

Doesn’t mean you’re a backup, but you have to date different people to find the right one. You would be very fortunate to only date one person ever and that person happens to be your soulmate.

Reading messages is inexcusable though, the relationship is already dead.

For a place as cynical as MN the expectation that a man should be "all in" to you and only you from the first date is bizarrely and unrealistically romantic.

If a man actually tried to demonstrate he was "all in" after a few months of dating that would be a sign of quite unhealthy love-bombing. Properly realising you're "all in" only happens with time (years in my case).

Kolkai · 19/01/2025 15:56

You were his first choice but you kept missing each other through situations not aligning.

He had every right to start a relationship after nothing happened between you 2.
And at least he's faithful to the one he's with and not carried on with you while seeing her too.
He waited until it was over then came back to his first choice, you.

Maybe that's what kinda ended it, you don't have their conversations they had one on one together so maybe you were the stone that got in the works as it were?

He's here now so forget the messages, I know it's difficult! Just don't read your others halfa messages again😆

Good luck♥️😊

Laura95167 · 19/01/2025 18:20

The truth is you liked him more than he liked you at the start. Someone has to be more interested, it was you.

It may have been because he had options

He was single, he enjoyed himself. He let you in and fell for you. You wouldn't prefer to be the other girl.

I think you need to let it go that before you he had someone else. But I also think if you're already cool reading his phone, this might not work and it won't be because of her.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/01/2025 18:30

LondonLawyer · 18/01/2025 17:01

Not as in full sexual relationships starting after we met, no, but the odd night out with a person of the opposite sex, flirting, etc, yes. I was still going out with a pre-university boyfriend until I split up with him (amicably, a, "at different ends of the country at uni" thing) a couple of months after I met then, "nice bloke in my tutor group" and now-DH.

I probably need my own flag and identity label, though, because I'm almost the opposite of you - I can't imagine feeling very strong chemistry with a man I don't know!

Show quote history

You'd be mortified with me.. got pregnant 2 months after meeting dp! Still together 5 years later though!!!

Noodles1234 · 19/01/2025 19:05

People have pasts and baggage.

if you have reason to believe you are a rebound that’s different, but do you?

I do appreciate it’s not something people want to see or know about, not only do you know you’ve read the transcripts! That’s not easy to unsee.

Ask yourself do you want to ask him questions and know the replies (he may doctor information as he won’t be aware how much you know). Or is there anything that would help you to know right know?

Its early days if only a couple of months in. If you were happy before you saw all this, should knowing too much change this?

LondonLawyer · 19/01/2025 19:38

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/01/2025 18:30

You'd be mortified with me.. got pregnant 2 months after meeting dp! Still together 5 years later though!!!

Show quote history

I'm very happy for you! I'm not saying my-way-or-the-highway. I just wouldn't think that someone who doesn't have the immediate-chemistry-pursuing thing isn't a good long-term partner, that's all.

Toptops · 19/01/2025 19:42

He's not into you.
Plenty more fish.
Don't read other people's phones.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 19/01/2025 21:17

I would feel exactly the same way you do if I had read all that. I know many would think this is being unreasonable, but I wouldn’t continue in this relationship. You don’t have to tell him why. I’d want someone who is over the moon to be with me and for who I am the first choice, not the back up.

MrsMrsD · 19/01/2025 21:58

He didn't even have the decency to reply to you. Ignored you. Had a relationship with someone else then when she dumped him he came running to you? Absolutely not. Ditch him. If he really liked you he'd have got involved when you first met. You are his back up.

Iceboy80 · 19/01/2025 22:38

Don't fall for this "if you're single and he was single, then it doest matter" now it seems everything seems to need a label I'm so glad I'm staying single now as its not worth it if it goes against your morals or the way you see things then just block him it's simple.

I can tell you this much if I was interested in someone but they were getting greased by someone else then that would be it, I am no ones second choice and you shouldn't be either.

The West is different today and I'll be honest, I don't like it but we don't have to put up with or accept the so called changes, you do what you think is right.

Good luck

Dogsbreath7 · 19/01/2025 23:04

And he says he loves you after a few weeks/ months?

If the woman shows in his public profile, ask him about it. The response and your response to the response will tell you everything.

jennikr · 20/01/2025 16:18

I don't think you'll get over how you feel - perhaps because you're not that keen on the relationship. I would definitely end it. What's the point continuing? I don't think you've done anything awful and you certainly shouldn't stay with him because everyone on here is telling you you shouldn't have read his messages.

Grendel7 · 27/05/2025 10:46

HoneyDewBee · 14/01/2025 14:52

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

He's just one of those blokes that likes to keep all his options open,its definitely not your fault but the clue is they usually blow hot and cold with you,interested then not. These men line women up,go out with them all,don't worry who they upset in their quest for "the one".Let him go his own way, find someone worth your attention.