AIBU - upset at how our relationship started?

[HoneyDewBee]

AIBU because my feelings towards this situation are festering.

Met my current partner through at a couple of mutual friends' weddings a few years back and he kept in touch now and again through social media.
He didn't show any interest in me romantically in the past, but a few months ago, we were talking a little more, and he suggested we get together when he was back from town travelling.

When he got back, he contacted me to meet but I was away for a couple of weeks. As soon as I return, I contact him, and he was away. We kept missing each other as both of us were busy but he knew I was interested, albeit a little apprehensive as he never shown any interest in me until now.

We were both home over the summer period and I knew that was probably going to be a good time to finally meet. It was his Bday so I messaged him to wish him Happy Birthday and he replied immediately. Then I asked if he would be around to meet and he left me on read.

A few months pass, and he contacts me again out of the blue asking if I would still be up for a coffee or drink, so I agreed to go out with him. We hit it off and have been together a few months.

What I just found out this weekend is that during that time, he started seeing someone else and had been sleeping with her for a couple of months. She still interacts with him on social media and I always wondered who this person was. Not proud of this but the reason I know is because I opened his messages and saw the whole history of their chats. I wish I could unsee it as it was so sexually explicit and daily chats, trips away...and it clearly did not work out. I think she just stopped talking to him.

Now I feel like an idiot just being the backup or a rebound. He never told me he was dating someone else during that time but it looked like he was all in. I guess I just feel like second choice.

In all honesty, I wish I never agreed to go out with him in the first place as this has cast a shadow over things. I get he was free to do whatever he wanted as a single man, but I can't help but feel this way.

I don't know what to do. He said he loves me but I struggle to believe that I'm just convenience to him.
Please help me gain some perspective :(

You should have kept walking when he left you on read for months! Why would you have gone back to entertain him? I'm sorry but i agree with how you're feeling because that is exactly what it looks like. Things didn't work out with the other person, so he just doubled back to you and you were conveniently still waiting for him.

No, he settled because he was clearly talking to her first, ghosted her for months and then doubled back to her when things didn't work out with who he actually wanted. How are you not seeing this narrative? If they never had an interest in each other in the past, made efforts to meet or him leaving her on read, i would have agreed with you. Why leave her on read? Why not just say you're now seeing someone else? Because he didn't want to ruin his future chance with her if things didn't work out with his current fling.

Agreed.

FAFO.

It’s a double standard, very normal on MN.

This, yes

I think you are the back-up option and you should go by how he first treated you. I don’t think you’ll ever trust his feelings because you feel like this is all an act (now that he’s been dumped by the other one). I’d be inclined to agree and let this one go.

Love grows. At first you were just a woman he met at a wedding. One of a few women he knew. Maybe the other one seemed a bit keener, was just up the road, whatever.

He loves you now, because he knows you.

Then again, that might change if he knew you snooped through his messages 😬

So is it the stage he left u on read for months that he was seeing this girl? And got in contact when that ended? The only thing he could have done differently was tell you he couldn't meet because he was seeing someone, but then if he d have contacted you when that ended it seems like you d still feel like a second choice.
I think by reading the messages you ve ended things tbh, you won't be able to get them out of ur head now, but he didn't do anything wrong

So you’ve been with this guy for a matter of weeks (the use of the word ‘partner’ implies a settled long term relationship but if I’ve understood correctly he’s basically a brand new boyfriend), he’s already told you he loves you, you’ve broken his trust and grossly invaded his privacy in order to torment yourself over stuff he did as a single man, and now you’re ‘struggling’ to find your confidence and self-worth?

What you’ve described is a relationship played out on fast forward - too intense, too needy, just … too much. All this drama would feel like a lot if you’d been together 10 years, but if this is how it is a month or two in, it’s going nowhere. Do yourself (and him) a favour and finish it.

It really sounds like you need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem. You can’t build a happy, healthy relationship with someone else until you’re secure in yourself, and that should really be your priority.

OK, you are his second choice, and? Unless you are in your 20s, you will always be somebody's second/third/ etc. choice. (Some people on MN marry guys with children and then get surprised that they are not their dh first choice (not literally, but figuratively). Main thing, he should not behave like that now. You have to establish if he has serious intentions towards you though - does he want to marry you and make you the only woman in his life? Or is it a 'partnership' (what a funny word) proposal - he gets free sex, you are getting older, your options diminish and he is still looking? Unfortunately, this game is geared against us, women, those bastards (men) are still desirable because they are able to procreate in their 60s, and we fade fast. Find out and act! Don't just hang around, 'partner'.

Why it?

he was a single guy and was dating someone, why does that deserve to be snooped on.

FFS, you had very loose plans to perhaps meet and were in no way in a relationship. He met someone else, he didn't string you along or disrespect that other women by continuing to try to see you whilst in a relationship with her... he did nothing wrong and a lot right in my book.

He was the one who originally wanted to meet up but you were unavailable so he was obviously interested. Maybe in that time he met someone else, which is fine, then he didn't reply as he was seeing someone else. I think he was trying to do the right thing but trying not to put you off by telling you he was dating someone so just left you on read. If he says he loves you believe him. Don't throw it away gor this. Although I fear you don't trust him and that will cause problems if you don't address it.

I don’t think the majority of people are saying that he has done anything wrong… it’s just that his actions clearly show that she was not his first choice. OP is now struggling trying to decide whether she can believe that he loves her - because if he loves her in this short time then why did he ghost her previously - and whether she can live with knowing that whilst she was all in, he was looking for better options and in all likelihood wouldn’t be with her now if the other girl hadn’t dumped him.

But he was single and you didn’t actually meet up, right? I don’t see the problem.

I would want to be with someone who fully wanted me from the outset and not fucked around for a bit before "settling" for me.

I think the early messages you got from him was that he wasn’t interested in you. I don’t think that’s a great start and I wonder if you’ll be able to forget it? I probably wouldn’t.

How do you actually feel about him?

If I’ve read this correctly, there wasn’t an overlap in your relationships. There was some interest, missed opportunities and he met someone and had a relationship and ignored your overture because he wasn’t single.

It would have been polite to respond and say he was now in a relationship but I don’t think he was wrong for not engaging either. But if he has a strike against him it’s for cowardice.
He only contacted you again when the other relationship ended?

It’s not like he was stringing you along, keeping you on the hook as an option B. You weren’t available. Then he wasn’t available. Then you both were.

So what was the alternative? That he would wait for you, on the basis of a few conversations? That’s the love story we all want, and I understand that, but in real life it would be a bit obsessive and worryingly single minded. He sounds normal, well adjusted and not stalkerish.

Other alternatives are that he would realise you were available, dump this other girl immediately or cheat on her with you. Which would also point to poor character. Instead he’s a decent bloke, serially monogamous.

I can see why it stings that you reached out and were ignored for another woman. In all honesty I would struggle with those feelings too (probably because I am a bit unbalanced and stalkerish 😂) and it’s one of the reasons I don’t make the first move or chase a guy. That’s not a judgement - I’ve probably missed great opportunities because of that.

The part I’d struggle with is that they still interact on social media. That is a deal breaker for me. Again, it might be a bit unreasonable of me, but it’s something that would make me miserable, and I’m not in relationships to be miserable. People can be friends with all their exes if they want, but they just can’t go out with me as well.

Ending a relationship is extremely hard, but you’re not going to find the person who makes you feel secure and loved if you stay in a so-so relationship. When you resort to snooping you’re not in a good place.

So you’d only ever want to be in a relationship with someone who has never had one before?

what about you? Are you allowed to move on or is it one chance only for you too?

Yeah but he’s a bloke so he must be in the wrong…

It is how he feels about you now that mattered. I use the past tense because your snooping could have ruined that. It is perfectly normal for a man or a woman to be looking for a romantic relationship. For some people that means dating and finding out more about people they are attracted to. Not all dating results in a long term thing. Because you find out that you aren’t compatible or don’t really like each other. Attraction is instant. Love and respect grow.

you could both have maybe done a bit more to act on the initial attraction but didn’t. The idea that either of you would wait around until the other was free to meet up isn’t a thing you should expect. If you had zeroed in on him then that’s a thing for you to process. Especially if you are snooping into a time in his life that should be private. If you can’t be philosophical about the time before you committed then you have an esteem problem. Plus you have been dating for a short period.

You're going to really struggled to find someone to go out with who's never had a relationship before OP. Almost everyone has someone that they'd still be with if they hadn't gotten dumped. That doesn't make the next person to come along "second choice".

You might soon find this out when he dumps you for completely invading his privacy, or are going to lie and hide that from him?

I’d see how it goes. I wasn’t that into my husband initially, even dumped him for a while, but we got back together, are coming up to 20 years happily married.

Not all great loves start perfectly.

Oh I must have misread it. I skim read and took it that op had met bf, it didn't go anywhere, then he went out with someone else for a bit then her.
Of course everyone has exes.