Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

It’s not a drip feed if it’s happening in real time. That’s just an update.

It's not a drip feed if it's just happened 🙄

A drip feed is when the OP doesn't give a significant part of the 'back story'.

It's not a drip feed, I literally had 0 idea any of this would happen, I gave all the information I had at the time.

I think he’s got a whole lot more single living to do before committing to you in the way you want him to and expect him to.

If I were you, I’d have a long hard think about your situation and not just because of the memory box.

At 24 he is still very young. With a long and what sounds like very intense relationship from 18 to 22, he’s hardly had time to grow into the man he’s going to become. So your pregnancy predicament already sounds quite tenuous to me.

Feeling weird about the memory box is to be expected.
Firstly, you know you have been hugely disrespectful by opening it against his wishes. Secondly, you were unprepared for the contents. And thirdly, because of your negative cringe feelings triggered from examining the contents (in detail it seems by the way you have listed them here…I can’t believe you actually read the private letters…whatever made you think you had the right to do that OP?)

My advice is to put an immediate halt to the packing, tell him in full what you have done, seen and read, and see how he feels about that. Remember, he has nothing to be ashamed about, but sadly you have and he will probably be feeling very very betrayed.

In any case, without the memory box dilemma, it doesn’t seem wise to move in together until after your pregnancy question/predicament, which is now in even more jeopardy, is resolved.

I'm so sorry OP!!!!

Please don't ever forgive him for this, I think he will continue to have episodes of this kind of cruelty if you stay together. I also don't think he would be a good dad.

I sent love letters to my teenage boyfriend, wouldn't do it with DH but I certainly love him much more than I ever did my ex. I think being pregnant may make this harder for you, I was very emotional and insecure during my pregnancy.

He's deliberately trying to hurt you, knowing your pregnant and emotions are running high. He's not a man, he's a child that cheats at the first sign of responsibility. Your better off without him. Anyone saying you shouldn't have opened the box, I think it's a good job you did. You know what sort of 'man' he is now. Good luck to you op, whatever you decide with the baby is your choice. Don't let him pressure you into anything at all

Ok. I apologise. He sounds awful.

I don't believe many of the posters can have read your updates or they wouldn't be supporting this despicable man. You found his memory box & looked at the contents,well done for being so astute & recognising he was hiding something awful.

Yes,it has opened a can of worms but at least you have seen for yourself what he is really like. Thankfully you have the support of your mother & somewhere to go. It's going to hurt although not half as much as it would hurt in the long term if you remained with this man. Stay strong OP. You can do this.

What a toad! He’s showing you who he really is. You’re giving him the upper hand by crying and basically refusing to leave - he will call you the crazy ex. Harsh as it sounds, you need to get some self respect now and leave. He’s done wrong not you, so it should be you telling him it’s over not the other way around.
Count this as a blessing and thank goodness you found out now. Does this make the decision about the pregnancy easier for you?

You were unreasonable to snoop in the box. It’s a betrayal of trust.

I can understand him being angry, but he absolutely shouldn’t have taken that anger out on you and certainly shouldn’t have thrown his phone at you. Bad enough if you weren’t pregnant. But to do that to a woman pregnant with your child is even worse. Utter lack of respect for you. A massive red flag.

It’s clear he hasn’t got over his ex and seems to have more loyalty to her than to you if he’s been talking to her about you. This is also a betrayal of trust, especially if he’s made you pregnant.

You’ve had a terrible shock. I suggest you take the day off work. Get your emotions out with a trusted family member or friend. Then you must turn your attention to your own well-being and future.

Do you want to keep the baby, whatever he wants? You obvs need to decide this pretty quickly. If you want to keep it, where will you live? Can you afford a place on your own along with childcare?

Where were you due to move to? Have you already committed to that, e.g. signed a tenancy agreement? If so, you need urgent advice on your options for dealing with that.

IMHO, even if he calms down, apologises and says he wants to continue in a relationship with you, you should set a clear boundary. I suggest you say he clearly hasn’t got over his ex and you don’t want to pursue a serious relationship with him until he’s over her and ready to move on. You shouldn’t be moving in together, or planning a future with him, at the moment. Plan a future without him.

Even if he comes back to you after some time and says he definitely wants to be with you, I’d be very worried about the lack of openness and the phone throwing. Not good signs.

OP please leave his house go to a local cafe or something. He is not a loving safe partner please don't bring a tiny baby into this relationship. As hard as it is to hear he doesn't love you he still loves his EX. Have some dignity and pride about yourself don't allow this liar to destroy you

I'm sorry OP. He sounds very immature and not ready for a serious relationship. He has just shown you he is a liar and a cheat. It hurts but you are better off without him.

I mean this kindly but it is time to put on your big girl pants and leave the house. Go for a walk, get a coffee. If you stay in the house I suspect he is going to get nastier and nastier to make you leave. You don't need to be his emotional punchbag.

In your shoes I wouldn't keep the baby. You don't want to be connected to this man for the rest of your life. But you have to do what is right for you. Either way, you can't stay with him.

As soon as you realised what the items were you should have put the lid back on and got on with your day

I say this kindly but it's not your business. He had a life and a love before you and he can't erase that from his past. I still have letters, photos and love poems my ex wrote. My DH is a million times better than my ex and I wouldn't get back with my ex if you paid me a million pounds. However, I hold on to things that were a big part of my past.

Great idea so go ahead and have a baby with someone who doesn’t actually want to be with her and is slagging her off to his ex?

I have a box like this for the person I was with from the ages of 15-19. Handwritten letters, poems, jewellery, notes, photos. I'm not still in love with him, and I'm not a romantic person now. There's just something about falling in love for the first time when you're a teenager that is special and fleeting. I didn't love him more than I love my husband, but I was a different person when I was with my ex - for starters, my brain hadn't fully developed and I was still a child in a lot of ways. It's special. When I'm old I want to remember all the time with my DC and my DH, but I also want to remember being a 15 years old girl and what it felt like to be in love with this boy.

I would have definitely gone through the box!!! But I would also admit to doing it I wouldn't care. My partner knows this side of me and always takes the pics out of me for it.

All posts from the OP apart from the original have been deleted. So people reading the thread don’t know what you’re talking about

Exactly! I’ve just got back to this thread and everyone seems to be talking nonsense, based on the post of OPs I can read!

Every single one of OP's updates has been deleted for breaking talk guidelines, so anyone just arriving at the thread now only has the opening post to go on, and is utterly mystified.

Bizarre. Why not take down the entire thread? It makes no sense at all now.

No. She trusted her instincts that he was hiding something and she was right and has had a luck escape because she now has choices and won’t end up married with kids to a man who lies, lacks basic empathy and abuses her if she dares expose him for what he is. We should trust our instincts.

Ikr!

I missed what Op posted that would have warranted posts being taken down!