Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

This.

Id guess she dumped him and broke his heart and he's never really got over it.

If he's nonchalant with you and doesn't really show affection I'd be really pissed off actually as it's like he's capable of that but holding it back from you. You'd have to ask yourself why.

Youll get lots of people coming on telling you you're insecure and that's it's fine for him to have a memory box full of love letter from an ex (who the fuck even does that?) but it's not ok if it's upsetting for you and I'm sure most would agree it's very hurtful.

When I split up with my exes I got rid of everything to do with them, either because I had the Ick or I eventually met someone else and fell in love with them. You don't keep stuff from past relationships unless you're still harbouring feelings imo.

I would think very carefully about your future with this guy, especially when he gets so rp defensive when you asked about it. A decent guy should reassure you and say "oh that old thing? Il get rid of it if it upsets you, I don't need it anymore".

The updates have all been deleted why?

all the updates have been deleted....ummmm...what?

I suspect the whole thread will be gone soon

Why?

If mumsnet have decided all the responses need deleting then they might want to delete the first post too. I could be wrong

Is it possible his ex collected the stuff & when they broke up sent it too him ?

It seems odd that he would own the entire collection of mementos from the relationship complete with unsent letters especially if he's not like that in general

I'm afraid you'll have too get over it though - he's with you now & any issue you have with him not "caring" so to speak needs to be addressed separately

The thread was temporarily deleted for breaking guidelines apparently, then appeared again with OPs posts deleted. There's been some mistake somewhere. I can see it all going poof soon.

She didn't check his phone without his permission. He threw his phone at her and told her to read the messages. He also broke up with her and told her that he didn't want the baby.

I thought things usually get deleted when other posters report them?

It wasn't a drip feed as the subsequent events hadn't happened when the OP first posted.

youve crossed a line.would you forgive that intrusion?
your not her-memories that ws none of your business now gony be used for comparison.?thts bad

You should not have read the letter, really out of order. He is with you now - you probably should tell him but if it was me I'd be so cross

Might as well stop posting; events took a different turn but the posts were deleted so all responses are irrelevant now.

There's nothing to say it's a 'shrine in a box'. He has just kept it all together in one place is all.

He is allowed to do that.

I have loads of stuff like this. I have no intention of getting rid of any of it. I'm sure DH have a shoe box or three of stuff too. He certainly has CDs and stuff his exes gave him. I couldn't give a toss. He asked me to marry him and we have a great time together.

I must be in the minority but I didn’t keep a single thing to do with my ex, I sent it it all to his house via Royal Mail because I didn’t want to see it or be reminded of him.
Why are you with him if you don’t like the way he is with you?

I have my wedding photos from 20 years ago. The marriage ended not long after it started but they are still a moment in my past and they are nothing at all to do with the way I feel about my DP.

You are completely unreasonable - firstly, to go through his private stuff, and then secondly, to respond in such a controlling way.

Everyone has memories. He's not a blank slate before you two got together. And you don't sound ready to parent a baby with him, frankly.

that is so out of order. some people keep memories, of people or things that mattered to them. especially from the ir first relationship if it dint end in animosity.
a lot of it will be a memory of significant chapters of your teen life. why does he have to erase that or throw it away. its not like he's mooning over it at night it was under his bed as small bit of his past from his teen years.

I have old letters from my first boyfriend somewhere, doesn't mean i want to be with him. lots of people write letter for memories or when they want to preserve an important time/moment FaceTime or phone don't do that.

Absolute nonsense.It enabled her to realise how despicable this man is with his true colours showing when she confronted him. Never be afraid to snoop if you are suspicious your partner is up to no good. There is no smoke without fire & a womans instinct is is rarely wrong. Snoop away!

The fact that his little shrine to his ex is kept under their bed is worrying. If it was forgotten in the back of a cupboard or in the loft, it would be different. But to have it to hand (under THEIR bed!) is wierd to me. It's a huge sign he isn't over his ex if he's still reading through their old love letters on the regular.

You sound quite emotionally insecure and young for your age. You've already done the 'I don't trust him' thing before you've even moved in together. This relationship doesn't bode well.

This thread is so pointless. So many people posting who can't see the OP's updates that her boyfriend has been messaging his ex on the side about still being in love with her.

I think the thread is bollocks but even if this is all true the thread needs to be taken down.

I have kept my first husbands love letters to me and mine to him from 40 years ago. We lost him to cancer when our DS was barely 15 yrs old. I have kept them for DS to show how much we loved each other, and how we were looking forward to DSs much wanted arrival.
Would you think this was wrong, OP?
I married again some years later, and my second husband completely understood about the letters.

Agree. It's absolutely pointless keeping this up now as it makes no sense following the deletion of all OPs follow up messages. Those who didn't catch the posts before they went can't answer properly. Just take it down MN.