AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

[ButWhyNot88]

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

Your not been unreasonable, I can’t believe he wouldn’t help. I think you should be insisting that he has the kids more

It’s hard because although I need more help I don’t want to be without them. Them fact I spent 4 nights a fortnight without them really hurts - I just want a bit more help, which I don’t ask for often, I try to manage it amongst my side of the family.

I'm sorry OP it sounds really tough. You sound like a great mum and I don't think you were unreasonable to have asked for help, I felt anxious and stressed just reading your situation. I'd be subtly mentioning this to your MIL that your children's father would rather you struggle and your children be upset than come and help you. I hope it gets easier for you💐

Sounds absolutely brutal, you poor thing. One felt hard. Who else is around who can help you. DH and family clearly not stepping up

Funnily enough the situation that was the straw that broke the camel’s back with exh was him refusing to step in to help with a bed time routine - my DS was a baby when dd was in reception and it was so hard as one person to get the timings right.

So YANBU at all.

I think that it’s a hard age gap in terms of bed time routine- reception age is probably the point in their life when they need to go to bed earliest, but it’s hard to fit a baby’s bedtime feed and routine in before that. With my two, I needed to do DS’s bedtime routine afterwards but that involved exh just stepping in for a bit to keep DS going and crucially not to make him fall asleep before his bedtime feed like he so often did!

It feels pretty brutal at times. He does step up at times, but when it suits… If I phoned his mum, she would come, but I know he’d get the arse and that won’t help anything - I get told I’m pass-agg often enough as it is.
My mum stays a couple of nights a week, but she’s 76, with some health issues and I don’t have a spare room now we have the twins so she has to sleep on the sofa. I would give her my bed but DD comes in during the night for cuddles as in her words ‘I want to check you haven’t left too’

I can't believe you're still calling him 'DH'!

You're not unreasonable, of course. I would ask him to come and assist every evening from now on. Don't let him have excuses about showers and work etc. If he refuses, ask MIL.

That said, I think you could sort yourself a slightly better routine. Firstly, you need to all be on the same floor. It's madness to try and run up and down the stairs between them. Make bottles for the babies to take up with you and then everyone goes upstairs at bedtime. Chat to DD in the bath while you feed the babies. Everyone into DD's room for PJ's and a story and then lay with DD while the twins bounce/nap/roll around. Even if they cry and you have to hold them you'll still be in the room for DD.

This is what I’ve been trying to suggest - bedtime is the only time I don’t find manageable. I’ve asked for assistance once a week with bedtime… he’s thinking about it. The hardest thing is you’d probably assume he’s some sort of deadbeat, but he’s really not and he used to be the most incredible father - DD was literally everything…

I would be telling him that if he won't come and help (given he's 200 yards away) when you need it - for 10 minutes to get his children to sleep) you will absolutely be calling his Mum or Dad.

You say he has them 4 days a fortnight. Would it nor be better for them to be with you most of the time, but with him seeing them every day and helping at your house with bedtime? On the evenings he's busy, maybe the children's GM and/or GF can help? Either that or he takes your older daughter more than he does at present to give you some evening with just the twins to get to sleep

I put it in inverted commas as I wasn’t sure quite how else to refer to him…

I do know our routine isn’t quite there yet. We only have a shower so it’s a quick, clean and out thing. The twins are so noisy and on the move that I only take them up if I have to as I can focus on DD as T2 (who is already on the move) heads straight for the toys (I had to extract Barbie from her mouth this evening) so it’s just more stressful. I do aim to have them in bed earlier than DD within the next few months - still working progress, but need that to happen before I return to work in March.

What a creep. Leaving his 14 week old twins to go back to Mummy . And his 4 year old. Not surprised he is no help he is an incredibly selfish man. Don't feel bad when he has them use it as a break for yourself. Can you make an arrangement going forward that he gives you a couple of hours at bedtimes? Maybe if it's scheduled he will work better. One evening with twins downstairs next putting daughter to sleep.

STBXH hopefully (soon to be ex husband!).

Make him come down and help every evening. It's outrageous that he hasn't offered to do that already.

I have twins and a dd who is 2 yrs younger, with me it was one of the twins that was a problem sleeper.
imo yanbu but it’s your sanity and if they won’t help then you need to work around them not hope they change. It defies my logic why you felt the need to apologise for shouting!
if you have a good relationship with mil why not arrange to sit down for a coffee with her and ask for help with bedtime in the short term while the twins are so young.
failing that have you considered slipping the final bottle back so that you could maybe make it 7:30 / 8:00 and let DD stay up until they have gone down? Maybe she could help settle the twins before trying to sleep? I know you don’t ask for practical advice as such but just thought it might help. As a single mum too I learnt quickly that you only have one person that you can rely on and that is you.

Other possibilities are maybe change the days that they are with ‘dh’ or he could have the twins and dad on separate nights giving you either dad or the twins to deal with not both.

Good luck, please remember you are in the eye of the storm right now, soon thing will become clearer and easier. xx

No advice but lots of admiration. You sound like you are doing a great job in the circumstances.

Oh, love, I feel for you. I was totally on my own with no support ever with twin DDs from them being 6 months-ish, but I didn't have an older child, so hats off to you.
You're absolutely not unreasonable to ask, but as your ex is clearly too fucking selfish to help his children settle, I'd break the cycle of being in contact with him during bedtimes etc.
He's not your friend. He's no help when you most need him, so don't text or phone him letting him know you're struggling.
I don't have any advice, as I only had the twins, but hopefully someone with a similar set up can offer some more helpful advice.
💚

My heart breaks for you. YANBU. Your ex is a selfish POS. He lives locally and quite easily could have helped. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have his mother’s number? Next time ring her and just explain how he’s not pulling his weight and you need help for the sake of your children and yourself.

Sounds like you definitely know my struggles!

A 7.30pm bottle and then DD bedtime is definitely the aim, but at the moment they’ve reverted to waking in the night between 3.30 and 4am (feeding at the moment) and then again at 7am - with DD waking in the night too I don’t think I could face the possibility of the twins being up at 5am for the day ahead, the fact they stay asleep until 7ish keeps me sane!

I have suggested separate nights in the past, the response I got was genuinely, ‘Well then we’d spend most of our evenings looking after children…’ I did say, ‘Welcome to my life and parenting!’ sometimes I don’t recognise the man I married 11 years ago… baring in mind we also chose to have another child (we obviously didn’t choose twins but more than 1 wasn’t an accident…)

Thank you for your advice and kindness.

Could your mum stay in DDs room and DD in with you? Might make it easier. I can't say I like cosleeping but it did make my life more manageable at a very tough time.

My middle boy started showing signs of autism whilst I was pregnant with my youngest and my now XH became abusive. DS would smash himself into me and the walls at bed time and it took about 3 hours to get him to sleep. XH despite being in the same house refused to lift a finger with him so I was managing him while doing bed time with baby, then getting up multiple times a night to both of them. I ended up moving both boys into the same room, it made it manageable. I know 3 is much harder, it's just a thought in case it might be useful.

Your XH is being an arse and a bad father, I'd never put my kids through unnecessary stress when I could so easily help. Unfortunately he is who he is and he either doesn't understand or doesn’t want to. I'd drop the texts about bedtime personally, he's not willing to help and talking to him about it just makes you feel justifiable resentment, maybe some rage, that he's not wiling to step up to support his kids. If you know you can't rely on him you can count him out in your mind, and find a different way through day by day, moment by moment if necessary. It's better than feeling anger and resentment and let down all the time. I'm sorry things are so tough right now, I hope things get easier soon.

Can your mum move in with you for a few months until they all get a bit better at sleeping- put her in DD’s room and DD can sleep with you - or getting a sofa bed for you or her. Just so it’s not all you , every night - twins and a DD that’s scared she’s going to have you leave her will be seriously hard work

your Ex sounds like a dick and I would stop answering his messages every night if he cared he wouldn’t have left you and his kids and run back to mummy

Why are you giving him so much slack? The selfishness of him to allow you to struggle when you’re all physically so close and he is able to pop over for everyone’s wellbeing is awful. Surely the benefit of living so close together is the ability to pop over? If his mum is as lovely as you say (I question this given her son is a selfish git) I’d tell her straight you need more support and call her if he won’t come.

He sounds incredibly selfish

Selfish selfish selfish selfish and downright stupid if he hasn’t processed that he never ever manages on his own but begrudges you 10 minutes.
so hard to fix when you don’t want to give up nights. If his parents ever go on holiday I’d drop them all at dh solo in the house and go away for two nights though, no matter what the plans had been, and tell him no we hadn’t replanned this but life isn’t fair and i have an ex who’s yelled at me for asking for 10 mins help on one of my many many solo evenings so here is your share of life isn’t fair, meet your 3 children, here are their bags and I’ll be back in two nights, look forward to hearing all your secret tips for doing it all on my own most of the time.

please don’t be so apologetic about not haven’t a routine. With baby twins and an older child and a husband that’s fucked off, it’d be shocking if you did

I would stop responding to his texts for a start. You're busy, he can fuck off if he isn't going to help. Honestly, you're going to have to find a way to manage without his help because as time goes on he will do less and less and when he eventually gets a new girlfriend you won't see him for dust. He is already showing you that he won't put his children's needs before himself.

He is a terrible father for leaving his babies when they are so young. Utterly selfish as he has chosen an easy life for himself at a time when he was needed the most. He is no different to a dead beat dad but probably couching it in 'good manners' or trying to appear the 'decent' one by 'letting' you have more time with the kids. It makes me so angry.

OP, I'm not sure of the exact circumstances of the split but he does not understand parenting is a commitment and absolutely should have come to support you. There are a lot of things I would say to a man like that, but for now the help might be more useful than raging, so try and enlist your mother in law for support if you can. Alternatively, ask him to pay up to support a babysitter coming round to help with the twins whilst you settle your dd in the evenings.

You sound like an amazing mum and I really hope things get easier for you.

Yanbu
However he is showing you he isn't interested in helping. He sees it as your problem, and will see anything he does as helping you rather than being for the benefit of the kids. My ex is the same.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I would say you need to try and put him and his parents out of your mind. Don't even consider them as an option for help. Whilst you absolutely should be able to ask him to help, he doesn't want to, and in my experience all it does is add to your stress levels when he chooses not to. Do not talk to him about it. Draw your boundaries and make sure you only talk to him on your terms. He can't refuse to help out and expect updates. You will get through this. Build your support network away from him and his parents.