AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

[ButWhyNot88]

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

You are a tough woman OP. Hats off to you.

My cousin had twins and she said she barely remembers the first year. It’s hard hard work.

You could ask for money instead if he won’t step up.

FWIW I’d want to kill the cunt

That sounds so tough for you. Why did your husband leave? Unless you were abusive/unfaithful I can't see how he could justify up and leaving you with you children of that age!

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask, obviously it won't be forever and it's such a tough stage and bed time is a real challenge when you are that outnumbered and they don't settle easily. I bet he isn't even looking to move into his own place and do it himself on his nights when he has a 1:1 ration where he is!

Thank you very much for all of your responses, I appreciate both the support and the suggestions.

To those of you that have asked why he left, he told me at 7 months pregnant that he didn’t love me anymore - my pregnancy was hard, I was very sick and he found the whole thing difficult and our communication definitely broke down. I asked him to go to marriage counselling on several occasions but that was a no - I did go on my own for my own sake. He did say he’d try and work on it and things definitely improved between us at points, I do believe he could have tried harder and that counselling together may have helped find a root cause. He can’t give me a definitive reason why… I haven’t cheated, there’s been no abuse, we’re reasonably financially stable (both have professional jobs), both have good family support, had our own sporting activities as well as spending time together… if I’m honest I still feel like I’m missing something… but he said he can’t give me a reason.

For those of you saying get him to have them more often, I have suggested that several times in the past few months but there’s always an excuse or I got told once that if we spilt the children (one had twins and one had DD) then we’d be doing ‘childcare’ most evenings…

I’ve taken on board that actually you’re right, he’s not my friend anymore, I know longer owe him my time. I will always be courteous and respectful where possible because that’s just who I am and I want to set that precedent for our daughters - I will always try and be the bigger person. I’m going to stop engaging in conversation and just be to the point.

Financially, he is currently still fully supporting us - I’m down to statutory maternity pay and the bills and mortgage are in joint names so he has to continue to pay them, he’s also providing money for child maintenance. This is as a couple of people have suggested one of the reasons that I do feel that I have to tread carefully as without that we wouldn’t be ok.

I spoke to my mother in law briefly yesterday morning as she dropped some stuff off for me and she didn’t know that I’d asked him for help the previous night and she appeared disappointed, although she’s not one to state it. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want to get involved and has never been one to express an opinion even when she probably should!

My mum stated last night and so I tried a new bedtime routine - I didn’t use mum but felt better knowing if it failed she could step in. I got twinnies bathed, fed and in their cots by 7.45pm. I showered DD earlier in the evening, so just took her to bed once I’d put the twins down. We had a story and had to lay with her for 20 minutes but she was asleep by 8.20pm. Small wind - but I’m going to try it again this evening! DD came in to me before midnight but went straight back to sleep in my bed. T1 woke at 1am for milk and again at 5.30am, but T2 was an absolute superstar and slept through from 7.45pm - 6.40am.

Thank you for your kind words, your stern words and your advice x

I can't imagine how hard this must be OP! I'm glad you had a win woth the new routine amd it's sounds like you got this. There's nothing wrong with asking for help but agree that your ex is no longer your friend. Please make sure to be kind to yourself and if you can then pay for some childcare. Also I think splitting the kids up sometimes would be good as will give you some 121 time with your older DD

Girl, don't expect your mother in law to 'say something' or side with you. He is her son, she is on his side, she will believe whatever he's told her. He will be residing with his mummy until he finds (most likely have already found) another woman to care for his children, since he is unwilling and unable to. You sound like a great mum, sorry you going through it. I've been where you are, what helped me is radical acceptance: he is not your friend, his family is not on your side, you ate in trenches, but there's an expiry date to your misery, it's going to get easier. Good luck

You are doing so well.
It is incredibly hard and totally exhausting.
Twins are hard work and having another child makes it more difficult. It really is a lot for one person.
My eldest was 22 months when my twins were born and DH worked abroad every second week Sunday to Saturday.
But he was there every second week and was supportive even when not there. No grandparents living anywhere close and all of them still worked full time.
I got a local teenager to help. Just to sit with DD1 when I settled the twins and vice versa.
Or to put the twins in the buggy for a walk while I made dinner.

Sounds like last night went well.

Your ex is a selfish prick.

She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want to get involved and has never been one to express an opinion even when she probably should!

I am incredibly disappointed and angry at your MIL. She knows how hard it is to be a a mother at times. I couldn’t let my son do what her son has done. I would be furious with him. How weak of her to say she doesn’t want to be involved.

Also good point about not rocking the boat with awful ex due to financial support. It’s not right but it’s what I would do. I wouldn’t want him around but I’ll take the money ta.

well done on your new routine. Sleep will only get better down here with the children

Well done on finding a routine that worked better. Hopefully that will improve things in future.

Hopefully MiL will give your a rocket when your not there. She's going to take his side in front of you but don't think she won't say anything in private with him. 💐

Hope you have had a better week OP and that you are getting more support .