AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

[ButWhyNot88]

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

Personally I would try co sleeping with your dd. That may solve a lot of issues. She might just ho to sleep in your bed without any fuss if she knows you’ll be along later to sleep next to her.

One solution - you all sleep in the same room.
I presume the twins are in cots? Can you bring them to your room and dd4 bed shares with you.

He needs to realize that he is a parent all the time, not just on 'his' hours. He sounds lazy, unkind and unable to put the needs of his very young children first. Any man who can desert such young children is clearly not worth much, so at least you don't have to be with him anymore.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way. You say that your MIL was/is lovely but if either of my sons left their partners with a 4 year old and 14 week old twins, unless he had had some sort of breakdown, I would not facilitate this behaviour by allowing him to move back home. He is the cause of your daughter's separation anxiety yet he can't be bothered to come and help you when you are at the end of your tether. If your MIL really was lovely, she would offer to come and help you with bedtimes.

Tell him to stop texting you if he can't be bothered to help. I can't believe what he has done to you and his children, facilitated by his parents.

He sounds a selfish twat. Firstly leaving you with three little ones the twins being 14 weeks old!
Then refusing to help you when he’s just up the road. I’d come and help you and they’re nothing to do with me. If he won’t help tell his mum if she’s as good as you say ( although why she didn’t send him home with a flea in his ear isn’t clear ) she can tell him to come and help or she can come herself.
He is so selfish he’d rather ponce about 200 yards up the road than ensure he’s children are getting a good nights sleep. I’m so wound up on your behalf.

Why don’t you temporarily move DD in with you, so you both are not getting disturbed sleep. Then move your mum in a bit more - as she can stay in DD’s room? And then just get through this phase as DD will settle, bless her - it’s just going to take some time?

i would avoid DH and his family. It must be so frustrating to have them there - he clearly isn’t going to help. Are there any friends that could step in regularly, just a night a week to help for that hour? It’s not much to ask. Good luck.

Forget him, you are a single mum now. You need to find a way to work it out for yourself.

First you need to make a decision about the 4 year old. Either decide she is sleeping in her bed or let her co sleep permanently. Stop sitting with her you dont have the time. Decide a routine and stick to it, it will be a hard couple of days in the beginning then will get easier.

He is telling you, you cant rely on him so listen.

This sounds really hard with a 4 year old and twins. You need to sort bedtime routines out so that it works for you and DCs. 9.30pm is late for 7 month old bed time, and who is looking after them if you’re leaving them downstairs to put your 4 year old to bed? They shouldn't really be left alone at that age for more then a minute or two. I’d put them to bed with a last bottle at 7pm, then straight to your older DCs bedtime afterwards.

I got divorced from my husband when I was pregnant so had 3 young children on my own. Exact same situation, asked for help in the evening and he completely refused. One day claimed 'I'm a bit tired' and I couldn't believe it, my son had colic and screamed every night until 1am then the toddler woke at 5am and he's tired 😱 In the end I gave up on him helping and having that option and just did it on my own, it was the hardest thing I've done but I look back now and am so proud and you will be proud one day too ❤️

You are not being unreasonable but I would start considering DH as ExDh and ask for help from elsewhere, his mum. You asked your Dh and he said no, he can't get upset you've now asked someone else.

It wouldn't surprise me if when the babies are a little older, he suddenly comes running back saying how much he's missed you all, now that some of the hardwork is done.

As a temporary measure could you have the babies in baby swings near you and your daughter?

Why did he "decide to leave"? That sounds like it wasn't a mutual decision.

What a horrible man and a terrible father to walk out at that stage!

I think you are being incredibly strong & can't believe you can bear to even speak to him after leaving you alone to cope like that.

Honestly I think that the fact he lives so close and isn’t choosing to come help out for even half an hour each night is awful.

Given they are so close and your MIL is so hands on, can the twins go to the grandparents house every evening from 6.30 - 8ish meaning you can get DC1 down and have some 1:1 time with her, they can get the twins fed & ready for bed and then return them to you?

Your ex is a selfish arsehole.

This is not a popular thing on here but I co-slept with my DD for a few years, if yours is feeling anxious and bereft would you try putting her to sleep in your bed?

Ask your mum to move in for a while? Put the twins in with you?

I'm a lone parent, always worked full time and sleep/logistics was always the hardest so I refused to fall into the "babies must sleep in their own room trap"

You sound a wonderful parent, you should be so proud. He sounds hopeless, selfish and hateful. I agree with co-sleeping. It will make your life so much easier. You are at the toughest point just now. Life won't stay like this. Sleep issues are so draining and terrible but they won't last forever. Keep strong. You sound amazing!

Echo others, put DD1 in with you.

This won't last for ever but find some ways to make it easier for you. As another poster has pointed out, he's basically telling you that you cannot rely on him. I would not put myself though the humiliation of asking for help again. Fuck him. Your children will grow up to see the selfish arsehole for what he is and will see what you did for them.
The man is a worthless piece of shit

Your "D"H is an arse. Your situation sounds brutal.

However, it does come across like you're expecting him to behave like you're still a family unit when you're not. It's hard and hurtful (been there, got the t shirt on this one) but it's essential for your own wellbeing in the longer term.

I also think you're being too considerate of his feelings. I'd stop responding to his texts. I bet he's doing it so he can look supportive to the outside world, but really what practical help is a text asking how bedtime is going?! My DD's dad used to do similar (when we were together mind you), it's performative to make themselves look good while not actually doing anything. Also, it's important you stop viewing him as your emotional support - he left, he no longer wants to do that.

If your MIL would help you don't give a moment's thought to how your "D"H would feel about it, you need the support go and ask her. Don't give a single thought to his image, focus on what's best for the children.

Personally I would find a way to make it work without his input you never know when he is going to turn nasty and suddenly all those messages about you being unable to cope becomes evidence

Have you applied for child maintenance yet?

I've just read up to here:

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months).

And want to say that this man is scum.

Stop asking the selfish prick for help because he’s not going to do it and you will get more stressed knowing he won’t and fuck the updates through bedtime why is he asking when he really doesn’t care. He’s got the easy end in all this and manages because like you said there’s 3 adults there when he has the children. He left you and the children at such a young age and he thinks texting is showing that he gives a shit when he really doesn’t. I would cut all the pointless contact with him and focus on yourself and how you can find ways for you to manage better.

I agree with bypassing him & asking the MIlL direct for support.
She's a mum, she understands how hard it is & presumably is ashamed of her own son behaving in this way.
If he gets cross about it let him get cross.

You are way too considerate of his feelings. Unless there is a back story here we don't know about I don't get why you aren't seething with anger at being left to do this all alone when he is literally minutes away being waited on by mummy & daddy!

If he's only up the road IMO he should be coming every evening at 7.30 to sit with the twins for an hour while you get DD down. Calling him desperate at 9.30 is in crisis mode but you need him there in a planned way daily to make sure it goes ok.

He is and also his mummy and daddy are scummy for taking him in. OP you are a hero and an amazing mum, but he left so stop texting him. There is another woman somewhere there lurking but he is keeping low profile for now. Once they are established he will use your texts of not being able to cope against you, new stepmummy will take over and she will be told what a useless mum you were. Sorry you are going through this. Get that 4 year old in bed with you, that's what I had to or would never sleep as my ex was as useful as yours

Agree, him or his MIL/FIL should be helping out, this situation is ridiculous when he is so close by!

STBXH hopefully (soon to be ex husband!).

Oh. I'd always seen this and thought it was s&%t bag ex husband. I guess they both work.

OP, your STBXH sounds dreadful. When you divorce make sure this is reflected in the settlement you get as he will clearly not support one minute/£ over what is agreed.