AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

[ButWhyNot88]

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

This. For the time being he will need to be there for bedtimes. He should be settling dd every single evening to provide consistency then you can deal with the twins. He would drive me crazy ....you have been very patient.

OP the only other alternative here is to see if there's a local teen who can come and sit with the twins for an hour. Ideally someone on the same street so it's just them popping in. I did that when I was newly single, my kids were a bit older than yours but sometimes I needed to pop out for a run or shops or something and didn't want to take them. There were neighbours just a couple doors dow. So I'd throw a tenner at their teen who'd just come and play or do whatever for an hour or two. Given you are upstairs it's a very low risk option.
Is he paying .maintenance?!

I have a 8 yo who really struggled being alone at night time but once he is down he is down for the night and I put him in beside his little brother. I have to stagger bedtimes now but just the comfort of someone else in the room really helps him.

If DD is struggling being alone and coming in and disrupting you in the night anyway could you just bring her in your bed for a bit? You are definitely in the trenches and the moment and I'm sure everything would feel a lot more manageable with a bit more sleep.

I have suggested separate nights in the past, the response I got was genuinely, ‘Well then we’d spend most of our evenings looking after children…’ I did say, ‘Welcome to my life and parenting!’

FUCKING HELL I would happily throttle this man.

Op my heart broke for you reading this post. You have a lot of weight on your shoulders and I think you’re doing very well!

please reach out the MIL if ex dh won’t come over. She sounds like she’d rather you let her know and that’s a great support system for you.

I think for the future I do have a couple of suggestions that I hope you would read.
I would suggest pushing daughters bed time back a bit, my son at the same age wouldn’t go to sleep before 9pm and therefore this became his bedtime. I would also do the twins last bottle and bedtime before your older daughter goes up to bed, perhaps 8.30? I would honestly suggest make life easier and let her watch a movie downstairs until the twins are in bed.

You're not unreasonable for thinking a father down the road should come over to help at bedtime instead of just texting you etc. I would be disappointed in him too.

No advice other than speak to ex MIL directly, but I just wanted to say that you are an absolute legend of a mum: I cannot even begin to imagine being a single mum of a 4 year old and twin babies. That is a logistical feat that is beyond me. I think you are epic

Bonus if it’s someone on the same street, they will all know that the babies dad can’t be arsed walking down the road for 10 minutes. Which is exactly what he deserves. I hope you find someone!!

Right now he's merrily pretending what a great guy he is texting you every evening to "see how it's going". Turn it around on him. Accept that he won't help, but every single night, text him and say "please can you come for half an hour and help settle DD". Make him say no every single night. Force him to show what a crap dad he is. Plus if he ever does try for more custody, you'll be able to show all the times you offered him more time with the kids and he refused...

I coslept with DD at that age. They grow out of it - she is now 17 and has happily slept in her own room for years! But aged 4/5 just needed to be near me. We had an interim period where we had a camping mat and sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed, and if she needed to she could come into my room and settle herself down near me. It wasn't as comfortable as her bed (or mine!) but if she needed to be near me she could, and we could both sleep. Ifyou don't want to cosleep maybe make her a 'nest' by your bed.

Personally, if you have a good relationship with MIL I would cut out the (selfish) middle man and ask her to help - make a specific request e.g. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays would you come 7-8pm for the next 3 months to help while I get the children into a routine. So it can't be turned into an ongoing situation/ some sort of evidence that you 'weren't coping', because you were very specific and time limited in what you ask.

I think you have two main options:

1. Go directly to the in laws. Say you are struggling at bedtime and that you have asked for help but their DS is refusing. See if someone can come down and help or if they can take the eldest more nights (it doesn't sound like dad is having the children very much 🤔)

1. Realise he is useless, never going to step up, so as a single mum you need to come up with your own strategies. Ignore his texts as actually these are distracting and make you think he is being supportive as he is 'checking in' and asking if all is ok, but when you tell him things aren't ok then he ignores that and makes excuses. Co sleeping and putting the eldest in your bed is something that has been suggested and perhaps having everyone in one room close together. Can you work as a team with the eldest and explain she has an important role and help with the babies (obviously don't push this too much, but maybe she might like to feel important). Talk to any friends about your struggles and don't turn down any help, however small.

Second this. I am a mother of twins, and barely coped with the baby stage. I had no other young child and was not alone at that point either. The op is incredible xx

I am completely gobsmacked that he left you with a 3-4 yo and 7 week old twins. Who does that?!

my husband can be a real shit. A real shit. But even if we had a huge row and he threatened to walk out he might for an hour or 12 hours max but he would come back and realise you don’t leave the mother of your small children. You stay and show up for your family.

im sickened by him. You are doing amazingly OP

What a complete f-ing bas-rd.

Only the most truly contemptible man would leave 3 under 4, new born twins, a DC just staring school.

His selfishness is off the scale.

He doesn't deserve to be a father.

And crawling back to mummy. What a snake.

You arent a co parent you are a single parent. Ask your health visitor fur more help. Try TAMBA. Try home start.

Be very careful about relying on him (his mum) as he could try for more than 50/50 then you'd be trapped paying him for his mum to look. After your DCs!

He's an absolute scoundrel & I wouldn't be sorry if he met with an unfortunate accident.

"I would give her my bed but DD comes in during the night for cuddles as in her words ‘I want to check you haven’t left too’"

This is heartbreaking.

He is scum & should be stripped of his PRR.

Time to skip your ex and go straight to his mum... could you please pop over at 7.30 for half an hour to help me settle dd or watch the babies. I'm struggling alone and your son refuses to help me. She can either help or kick him up the arse. You need an extra adult there for a short period of time and they live incredibly close.
If your ex accuses you of being passive aggressive just point out you asked him for help first but he refused so you went to the next appropriate person.

I would say that there is absolutely no way that the current primary caregiver (OP) would get less than 50% of the time with her children even if he took her to court. Please don't let the fear of that stop you from asking for help from him when you need it.

No advice OP but didn’t want to read and run. He is an arse and you are doing amazing. I’m sorry it’s like this for you 💐

Exactly this.

He might suddenly decide he wants the children 50% of the time when he realises he needs to pay maintenance (especially if he doesn’t actually have to look after them with his parents there). Then suddenly all these texts become evidence of your ‘inability to cope’ 🙄

Cosleep with the 4yo, ask your mum to help more often with the twins, whatever works, just don’t send him texts about how difficult it is or ask him or his mum for help.

Btw I voted yanbu because you really shouldn’t have to ask, he should just come and help at bedtime. But he’s a twat, so be on your guard.

Yeah I am also struggling to compute how MIL is lovely if she’s housed her dickhead son and isn’t round helping all the flipping time

What an absolute dick.
whether or not his feelings for you had changed, what a dick for leaving you with 3 under five.

but here you are.

i wrote a whole reply with ideas for how to approach the problem, but you don’t need those. You need a co-parent.

he lives minutes away.
he should come and help. Every night whilst his children are small.
he lives minutes away

and unless you tell us he is a danger I can’t understand how he can be such a dick.

what do you PILs think about their waste of space son?

I think, when you refer to basic parenting acts as "helping" it creates an unreasonable expectation that you and only you are an "expert parent" and everyone else's parenting is just optional. You are co-parenting which means sharing the load. Nobody is "helping".
I am sure it is difficult to be apart from the children but it may be way better for your mental health if he does, indeed, parent for one extra day per week. Worth considering.

Very good take on the MIL. His parents are facilitating his behaviour. If she can't tell her son to step out the house to go and help the OP, then it's only fair she steps in.

Perhaps they are expecting her to beg for their help.

I wouldn't worry if he took it as you being pass-agg. I would definitely speak to your MIL and tell her how you are struggling with this and ask whether she can pop down for that half an hour of an evening to help out. Hopefully she will or at least she may shame him in to stepping up for his children.

I can't even imagine how you have managed with him leaving when they were 14 weeks! You sound like you are doing a great job a d just this one little issue is what is sending the house of cards down. I hate the term but "reach out" to MIL and hopefully something will get sorted pronto!

I think it’s more than reasonable!

Just to add, my problems with exh and the bedtime were when we were still married.

I think sometimes if a man is fundamentally lazy/ doesn’t want to do something, they will manage not to.