AIBU to ask co-parent for help when struggling?

[ButWhyNot88]

I’m very new to this whole co-parenting situation and really need honest opinions on what is acceptable and where the boundaries are / should be set. Apologies it’s a long one!!!

My husband decided to leave the family home 3 1/2 months ago, leaving me with DD (4) just started school, and twin DD (14 weeks at the time, now 7 months). He has moved in with his parents, who happen to live at the other end of the road. I have the children 4/5 weekday evenings and every other weekend - I’ll admit it breaks me to be apart from my children when they are so young - I’ve been very open about this.

Our eldest daughter has never been a good sleeper, it’s always taken around an hour of us sitting / laying with her for her to fall asleep, we cracked this around 4 months before ‘DH’ up and left, since then she’s completely regressed and cries every time she’s in bed alone - she comes down to my bed every night.

My struggle is that in order to get her to sleep I have to lay with her, without doing that she just cries to the point of hysterics and almost vomiting, but to be able to lay with her the twins have to be settled as they are still having a last bottle around 9.30pm so aren’t yet in bed. It’s a lot for one person to be able to manage.

This evening has been a particularly hard one. I took DD up for a shower and in to bed around 7.45, we’d just started a story when T1 (Twin 1) woke and started to cry, I went down to her after around 5 minutes, within minutes DD was sobbing and crying, so I took T1 up. T2 then started to scream cry so I ended up with all 3 children on DD room. At this point ‘DH’ had text to see how bedtime was going - we do check in as we know it’s hard work. I sent a picture of all 3 children in the bed and said this was where we were at and that it wasn’t ideal. By 9.15pm I hadn’t managed to get anyone to sleep so I text ‘DH’ and asked if someone at his house (‘DH or in-laws) could come down and give me a hand, just to sit in the living room with T1 and T2 whilst I got DD to sleep - it would have taken less than 10 minutes. I got told that he couldn’t as he’d just got out of the shower and his parents were asleep downstairs.

I decided that my only option now seemed to be to put all of the children in the car so that I could settle the twins and then get DD, who has school tomorrow, to sleep - it’s now 9.30pm… I needed to feed the twins first, whilst I was making 2 bottles of milk for the babies I called ‘DH’ to explain the state of play and that I really could do with help for the benefit of the children and getting DD to sleep for school in the morning and got told he can’t help as he has work to do for the morning. At this point, I’ll admit I did get a bit aggravated because we had always made a point that we would put the children first. (In my opinion if the work was that important he’d have done it earlier in the weekend and not 9.30pm the night before…) We both shouted a bit and I ended up putting the phone down.

At this point all children are in the living room. I managed to get both babies to sleep by feeding them, meaning we didn’t have to go I it for a drive in the car and then I took DD up to bed, lay with her and she was asleep within 5 minutes, by this time it was 10.35pm.

’DH’ had messaged whilst I was feeding the twins to see if she was asleep yet so I let him know once she finally was. I then called to apologise for shouting and to ask whether or not he thought I should be asking him or whether on days when he doesn’t have them I shouldn’t… We both knew and accepted that all it need was 1 additional adult to sit for 10 minutes with the twins to get DD to sleep - but he didn’t see this as his issue as they aren’t with him, but he does have an opinion on the fact that she should have been asleep earlier…

We frequently conflict over the fact that I struggle with the fact that he never has to do any parenting on his own as his mum (who is / was a great MIL) is very hands on (a truly great grandparent) and his dad is there too and is also on hand to help whenever needed. He might not always ask them for help but his mum does it instinctively and they’re there so no baby ever needs to cry as there are 3 adults to 3 children. ‘DH’ puts DD to bed there and the twins stay with their grandparents meaning ‘DH’ can give DD his full attention- he never has to run between rooms or up and down stairs… I’ll admit, it frustrates me that it’s all so easy.

I find it hard that there are 3 people, less than 200m away, that could help and lessen the struggles and the amount of tears from the children, but aren’t willing to. I know (because I have) I would drop anything to help with the children if it was needed - I’ve cancelled several lots of plans if he’s needed help or me to have the kids, I never mention it, I just do it because the children come first for me.

I guess I want to know is, AIBU to ask him for help when the children are being impacted and he’s so close by?

I said he should come and help.
but fuck it I wouldn’t want that dick anywhere near me and my family.

I am so pissed off on your behalf .

this is a hard phase.
you are going to get through it .

bring you mum in if she’ll come .

take his money. Make sure you get it done formally.
but recognise he is a compassionless waste of space that won’t deserve the pleasure of your children when they are older and easier.

This sounds unsustainable. I would prioritise getting your DD1 into a better routine. Have you spoken to school nurse? It shouldn't be that difficult. Then work out how you can simplify routine for all kids. I actually think you and your ex should work together over bedtime then go back to own houses when asleep. It won't be forever.

Yes I found that difficult to accept about my ex MIL.

She was / is a lovely person in many ways, but the way she was able to accept her son (my exh) behaving is really not something I’d accept from my son! I hope anyway.

I'm sorry OP - my ex husband left when my eldest was the about the same age and twins weren't much older than yours so I know how hard it is.

TBH I've taken the route of least resistance - if that meant me and the 3 kids co sleeping then so be it. I'll be damned if I ever ask their dad for any help whether he lives next door or down the road. If it meant we all went to bed at 7pm then fine. Like you say you are already without them 4 nights over a fortnight so just enjoy the early evenings and cuddles and less stress now. I was (and am) very much of the mind set that he chose to leave so fuck him. I'll prove that I don't need him at all (and I can tell you it absolutely infuriates him that I don't come running for his help!)

Don't call him, don't message. Fake it till you make it that you have this under control and don't need him at all. Cry into your coffee/chocolate when they've all fell asleep even if it's midnight

Just a take on this-

When my dd was reception age, all she asked was a peaceful bedtime that wasn’t accompanied by a baby. A story and a calm goodnight.

As there was another adult in the house who could just keep the baby going until then had space and quiet to do a bedtime feed (I was bfing) and get the baby down, it didn’t seem too much to ask!

Reception children really need to be in bed at a decent hour, more so than nursery / pre school kids who can always nap if needs be. But a baby often won’t be ready to go down for the night so early as they sleep a lot and you want a decent chunk of nighttime sleep for them. So often it’s much better that way round if another adult is available! All I ever asked for my exh to do was hold/ play with the baby in that time and not deliberately pat him to sleep on his chest before I had the chance to do a bedtime feed, but apparently that was too much. And to be clear, the baby wasn’t absolutely dropping with tiredness, exh would deliberately get him to sleep so that his tiny shift was a bit easier, meaning that I then had several hours more to go before DS would sleep again.

He’s a failure. My god. I can’t believe he upped and fucked off when your babies were 14 weeks. Such scum.

Things will get easier with the passage of time, both physically and emotionally. He’s a shit father and ultimately, not needed. His children will realise that.

I know that doesn’t help now, especially as you can’t heal when he’s so close and so determined to let you down.

Co sleep with your daughter.
she absolutely will be worried that you will leave her too.
it’s in a dark part of her heart.
unless your husband was brutally aggressive to you and her his leaving will have really hurt her.

it’s not your fault.
your DXH has done this.

but accepting that she’s hurt, and has this fear is now yours to support.

co sleep. She’ll know you are there. That you will come back. That when she wakes that you are there.

and she will go to sleep much quicker.

and it won’t be forever.
and lots of 5/6 year olds co sleep.

plus it will
leave a proper bwdrooom for your mum.
who might not be physically able to do to much helping but she will be able to soothe and cuddle
and she will be there to soothe you too xxx

Can you not ask your mother in law anyway independently of your ex- husband? I don't see what you have to lose at this point? She is still the children's grandparent regardless of if you and your husband are together. It might be better in the future if you forge your own relationship with them so that your husband doesn't need to be involved in future events for the kids when you want to invite them or they want to look after the kids etc

YANBU. Since he lives so close I’d be telling him that he has to either settle DD or take the twins every night, and you’ll do the other child. If he can’t do it himself then he needs to either agree with you in advance, pay to get someone else in or ask his/ your parents.

Did he leave out the vows for better or for worse?

I believe he doesn't want you to ask your MIL, or anyone for help, really, because it will make him look and feel bad. He is well aware that these children are his responsibility, and everyone else is aware of that, also. However, he may be telling his parents that if you required any help then you will ask for it.

He may be ringing every evening, just so his parents believe that he is doing something by checking in. I'm not sure he would bother if he wasn't in his parents house. He may not be telling them that you are actually asking for help and struggling, but saying that you, and everything is fine. Another reason he doesn't want you going to your MIL perhaps.

Perhaps they think you kicked him out and that's why he is phoning instead of going around to yours. I don't understand how they can allow him to stay at theirs otherwise, knowing you have 7 month old twins and a 4 yr old. There needs at least 2 people in this situation, in order to cope with the combination of these difficult ages and stages.

Your H couldn't cope, so why on earth would he think you can cope alone OP? Just plain heartless and selfish!

If you can, please ask your MIL for help directly. I think you might start to see your H start turning up, out of guilt and shame, after a very short while.

I wish you all the best.

YANBU to want support however, it could probably only ever be temporary support. It's not sustainable to rely on them for help. What you need is to find a proper solution and find a way to get a routine without their help because they're not going to be reliable. And if he meets someone else etc he's hardly going to be coming around to your house to help you with bedtime - it's not realistic. It will get easier, it's just hard work now.

I would start with your 4 year old - I also have a 4 year old and you need help with her sleep issues. Have you spoke to a HV or school nurse about this? You could try starting bedtime routine earlier for DD as 7.45pm seems quite late for this age - she could be overtired by that point which makes the problem worse. I start bedtime with mine at 6.45, lights out by 7.00pm.

If your MIL is great grandparent and you have a good relationship with her could you ask her to help? Having her come along each evening might shame her son into getting his act together and helping on a regular basis. I honestly can't think of another solution. My eldest needed someone to lie with him while he got to sleep, and when I was home alone with two kids I had to breastfeed baby to keep him settled whilst sitting beside my eldest's bed holding his hand as he fell asleep. They are both much more independent now, so it does get easier!

I think you are incredible to be coping as well as you are. I hope you can find a way to get more help with some of the suggestions here. I would be pushing for him to have the children more - each of you having one or two children some of the time seems a good solution. A mixture of some nights with all of them, some nights with twins only, some nights with eldest only and some nights with no kids for both of you (but with the balance meaning you still have them
more). It sounds like your eldest needs to know that her Dad is still there for her even though he’s moved out. It sounds like he’s left as he couldn’t cope with having twins and has checked out of parenting.

I think you are amazing, OP. He sounds unbelievably selfish and immature. I can't get over him saying "but then we'd be spending most evenings looking after children". So telling about his internal belief that he now has days off from being a parent. Pathetic.

I'd be so hurt on my daughter's behalf if I were you. He might not care enough about you to help, but he doesn't even care enough about her struggling to make sure she has a calm bedtime at a sensible time. How fucking selfish. Especially given he's the reason she's struggling. I'd be absolutely livid if I were you. Congratulations on coping so far, you sound like an amazing mam and he should be ashamed of himself.

I have suggested separate nights in the past, the response I got was genuinely, ‘Well then we’d spend most of our evenings looking after children…’

@ButWhyNot88 Sorry OP but this made me laugh out loud. What an absolute fucking idiot. I would count my blessings he decided to leave.

You are doing brilliantly and, to echo others, I wouldn't even bother texting / ringing him asking for help. It's just giving you even more to stress about and eating into your already precious time. I would ask PIL to help out if I were you. And so what if it pisses your ex off. He's doing fuck all so it might make him feel bad if he knows his parents are helping with HIS CHILDEN whilst he's busy "in the shower" and having time to himself 🙄

I thought it was stupid bastard ex husband!

Could dd stay over with dh during the week at his parents since its luterally down the road? Take her down at bedtime and say night then he deals with her at night, feeds her on morning then either takes her to school or drops her back to you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You didnt have three babies on your own and children are a lifelong, constant commitment. Parents that can sit back and say "not my day" are baffling to me.

One of my DD's had extreme insomnia for 18 months a couple of years after he left. I was broken to the point where I seriously questioned my sanity and my ability to keep us all safe at night. I rang him in desperation one night and got "i can take her out for a couple of hours on Sunday give you a break if you want"

I never asked again.

If you have a decent relationship with your (ex)inlaws, maybe have a word and let them know you're struggling with getting everyone to bed, perhaps one of them could pop over and feed the twins while you see to your older one? x

Wow you are supermum! Your ex is SUCH a dickhead. Absolutely can't believe this, what a fucking big baby he is.

You sound amazing, he is being awful. I think you need to engineer a sit down with both him and his parents or just his mother. I would say 'our daughter is struggling', not 'i am struggling' - ie don't make it your failing as it is not. Then ask for their support for a few months until 'she feels more settled and secure'. This could be that they have the twins for an hour at theirs and drop them off when you've done bed time or one of them pops over.

My god you have your hands full. If my DTs dad had left at that age - or any age before 4 - I'd have fallen apart and I only had the twins. I have so much admiration for you. But no advice I'm afraid. Unless there's say a young woman locally who you could pay to do bedtimes with you? I had a lovely young girl - about 17 - who helped me during the day when they were small and it worked great for everyone. Just an idea.

On the plus side you will have three children who love you, when you're older, and he fucking won't.

I’m sorry but you can’t have it both ways. You want help but you don’t want him to have the kids? You still want him to behave like you’re a family unit which isn’t normal or healthy for anyone.

He needs to have the kids more often, they get the added bonus of spending time with their GP too. This gives you a break and forces him to step up.

It’s so so hard, but the best thing for you is to stop thinking of your ex as a “co-parent” and to stop asking him for help.

He is a crap father and no friend of yours in any way, and never will be. Accept this now.

I split up with the father of my DC when we had 3 yr old DTs, plus 5 and 9 year old DCs. He had them two nights a week, which included picking them up at 5pm after childcare (that I paid for) and flat out refused to have them when it wasn’t “his time”.

He got himself a girlfriend very quickly and if I ever phoned him for “help” (even an emergency necessitating taking a DC to hospital for example) then he would tell me that his girlfriend didn’t like me phoning him, and that she said I shouldn’t be asking him for help when it wasn’t his time.

He was pathetic and it was hard, and I went through extremely hard times juggling the DC, life in general, and work (and obviously he didn’t take any sick days, have them in the school holidays, none of that stuff ever.) He wouldn’t even do a school run with the well DC when I asked once, when I and the others had flu (he lived a five minute walk away). He didn’t care about the well-being of his DC, and that was that.

I remember a friend saying to me “You need to start asking other people when you need help, and not to expect anything from him ever, even thought it’s not fair”. She was right.

It was so hard as he was the person who should have been able to step in, when it was in best interests of the DC and we were dealing with illness, emergencies etc. But he wasn’t, and when I started accepting that, my life became easier on an emotional level (although not much easier on a practical one!)

Do you have any friends at all who you can ask at times? Even neighbours, someone from a volunteer organisation like Homestart? It is so hard to do I know; but every time you reach out to someone else for support you will take some power away from your selfish ex.

My DC are all teens now. Life is much easier, and as it happens, I later met and remarried someone who is wonderful and who now steps up more as a step-parent than my ex ever did. He was appalled when we met and he realised how much I juggling I did alone, and he just couldn’t understand that their dad actually lived so nearby but protected his “child free” time so fiercely.

My ex always stuck to his only having them on “his days”, and kept the focus of his life on time to himself, spending time with his new partner, holidays and hobbies. Today he actually has more “time to himself” than he probably ever expected, as the DCs don’t want to stay with him anymore on “his weekend”. I’ve stopped forcing them to go. He seems confused and hurt by that.

He really doesn’t even know the DC that well though, not who they are deep down, and that is based entirely on choices he made.

I am very close to all the DCs and they still seem to love spending time with me, and we have somehow stayed close and get on well even now that they are in the hormonal teenage phase.

Friends used to say to me “they will realise when they get older”, and it wasn’t much help when I was drowning in the thick of it ( he was also crap and unhelpful before we split), but long-term I am part of a loving family with the DC and they know that I have been there for them every step of the way, and it’s worth a lot.

I do wish they had a more involved father, and that we could have “co-parented” in a better way, but that just isn’t always the reality and you can only be a mother to them, you can’t do his bit for him if he doesn’t want to.

He certainly isn't a DH and is a selfish prick . It seems like you are having a really tough time , especially as your DTs are so young and your daughter is obviously still trying to adjust to the change i'e her father moving out .
My heart breaks for you because your H and his family are so close by and they aren't helping out as much as they can .
I think the most important things are the children's sleeping and also your own sanity .
If you are on a group whatapp chat I think I would be really brutally honest with your H and his parents and spell out that you are struggling and it is impacting on the children . I would state when your own mother is there but that at all other times when your own have all 3 children on your own that you need support with the bedtimes .
Spell out the logistics of it and suggest that they work out a rota between the three of them for another adult to come and give you a hand for say half an hour to deal with the bedtimes . Agree this for the week in advance . I would not focus on coming across as passive aggressive or how you may be perceived by H or his parents .
By walking out on you with such young children , your H has caused this situation . I would stress that you see this as a temporary urgent situation and that when your daughter gets into more of a routine that you will do what you can on your own . I think you may also need to factor in that the DTs also may regress / teething etc that there may be an element of unpredictability - so don't say - that's fine all sorted now . There may be other times when sleeping etc are an issue e.g if a child / children are ill .
I think you need to state this as you are all wanting to do what is best for the children . I think it is madness that they are so close and you are all suffering when they could help .
I do think there is a lot to be said for trying to become as independent as possible yourself . Your H by walking out on his family at such a critical time has shown you that you cannot rely on him. But this is crisis time and your own mental health will suffer with the stress of this .

I would also look at what you can do to make your mother's sleeping arrangements more comfortable rather than having to sleep on a sofa . A sofa bed is an option - but they are usually very uncomfortable unless high end . Could you put a single bed somewhere for her if you have the space or a day bed - I think ikea did one . You can search on threads here for recommendations .
Good luck 🤞

How are the finances worked out between you at the moment? Is your reluctance to ask for his help or to make him.cross because you worry he will stop being generous financially?