To tell my friend the truth?

[OneOfTheTwo]

I’m a member of a large friend group and when we were younger we would regularly all go clubbing together. Mixture of Males and Females. We’re a bit older now so that has long died out.

There was one night we went out and one of my male friends had a one night stand. He was 25 at the time and I specifically remember the girl as I was chatting to her for ages. I remember her specifically as we got chatting about one of the tattoos on her arm (it was a niche show I like), she had loads of tattoos and she was wearing heavy goth makeup so unforgettable. I remember her telling me she was 21 and worked full time in an office as she said she “made loads of money”. Nothing more came from that one night stand with my friend.

Fast forward to yesterday and we’ve hired a new batch at work and I instantly recognised the girl but couldn’t place my finger on it. I was training her in one department and I spotted the tattoo and it all came back to me. I remembered her name and when I asked her it was definitely the same person. She told me she’d just graduated and was 21. I worked it out and that means she was 16 or 17 when we met her depending on her date of birth, so she must have had a fake ID to get into where we were. I obviously haven’t mentioned to her that I recognise her from that night.

Obviously this means my friend slept with her at the age of 16 when he was 25. Although legal is extremely questionable and I know he wouldn’t have done it if he knew. I told my partner when I got home as he is also friends with the guy and he thinks I need to tell him as he would want to know. I feel like I shouldn’t as what would it achieve apart from making him feel disgusting about herself? Personally I think I should just mind my own business here. We were all there that night, she was in a club and covered in tattoos!

WWYD?

Are you sure the real issue isn't that someone your DH slept with is now working with you?

I don't see why either of you would be disgusted about it. She lied, he wasn't to know.

You are massively over thinking this.

She was 16. Not 12.

She lied to get tattoos, lied to get into a club and lied to get a shag from a 25 year old.

I'd be more worried about employing someone with such a history of dishonesty. What else has she lied about?

Except for growing out my hair, I looked exactly the same between ages 16 and 22. I went through puberty on the earlier side and never had one of those skinny, fresh-off-a-growth-spurt bodies some teenage girls have.

You say your DP will be disgusted with himself if you tell him. Why would you do something to make him feel bad when he has done nothing wrong? You obviously believed the girl was 21, so did he.

Your friend will probably tell him anyway, now you've told her. You need to keep your nose out, and stop discussing work colleagues information outside work.

She was 16 and he was 25 . Nobody has done anything wrong here or anything illegal sex wise .

As long as you aren’t breaking any rules by saying that you have seen her I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say (In Ness’s voice), ‘oh Dave, guess who I saw at work. She’s only 21’.

Do you think she could be lying about her age now?

Ok, I've seen now that it was your partner. Is the real issue the fact you feel uncomfortable that your DH slept with a 16 year old? Or maybe the fact you're now working with someone he slept with? I think this is 100% about you, not about how you're saying he'll react. He might just think "Oh God, fucking hell! Nevermind" and move on. I would, if I was him. I wouldn't torture myself over it.
You need to get it go. Like a pp said, she was 16 not 12. It was legal. Not ideal but it's time to move on.

Exactly, I looked identical from about 15 to 21. You can't always tell. My daughter is 14, about 5 ft8. In terms of her face and body she could easily pass for 19. I hate to say it about my little girl, but it's true. If I didn't know her and she told me she was 19, I'd believe it.

You drop this. That's what you do. It is so unprofessional, raking over a new colleague's sex life from years ago and what would it achieve? 16 is legal. He might feel grotty but he didn't know. If she had tattoos he could have expected she was at least 18.

I would tell your friend thanks for listening while you mulled it over but to please keep it to themselves as you shouldn't really have mentioned her age etc (I don't know about GDPR literally, but her records aren't for you to be verifying your partner's sexual history against and reporting back).

I think a good place to start would be admitting to yourself any discomfort of your own rather than dumping this on him when he hasn't actually done anything wrong, she pretended to be older at the time. And don't be marking her card at work thinking this necessarily indicates who she is now. Plenty of teenagers lie about their ages.

A good friend nearly got "caught out"
Like this. We were all sat in a pub, some other friends came in and there was a new girl with them (the cousin of one of the women). My friend chatted to her all evening, they really clicked and arranged a date the following week. The next day he bumped into her in town, she was in school uniform he was 25!

Sometimes the man in innocent and the girl is. It obviously underage.

This is not in any way to excuse men who go after young or young looking girls

Not legally

Surely she will be revealing personal information about an employee which the employee hasn’t given her permission to share outside of the work context.

To be honest OP I think you are being quite naive if you think your partner is going to be devastated about this, he’ll probably just shrug and get on with his day - he hasn’t broken any laws and consent was given. If you stir things up and the young lady finds out she may then decide to
pursue a complaint she didn’t even know she had until you raked up the past.

It is possible that she is actually lying about her age now. Perhaps she went to university as a mature student and had difficulty getting into a graduate scheme when she finished due to her age so decided to pretend to be a raw graduate without work experience. There certainly is discrimination against new graduates even just a few years older than usual by some large employers. They would have to give the correct information to payroll of course, but in a lot of large employers it wouldn't be cross referenced with application information.

Maybe not that likely, but possible.

Wow, you need to do research before you quote shite like this!!

What do you think a 47 year old wants with a lovely pert 18 year old? We might find it disgusting but it’s perfectly legal and if the 18 year old was happy with it, which pp says she was and there’s no grooming/abuse going on then it’s nobody’s business but theirs.

He was in absolutely no way a ‘predator’. I was an au pair working abroad and determined to get rid of my virginity before I went home and started university with (1) someone I would never see again, (2) not in the context of a relationship and (3) someone who what some sexual experience. I propositioned him. It was a good first experience from my POV. I can’t say I gave much thought to his.

Oh, and it didn’t ’happen to me’. I made it happen. And honestly, compared to some friends’ first sexual experiences with boys our own age, it was great. I’ve no regrets whatsoever, and I’m now older than the man in question.

You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with predators and a rather scary attitude to personal choice.

I'm not implying anyone is a predator - you are!

My viewpoint is that an adult said she chose to have sex with someone 30 years older. Apparently that's enough for you to condemn the man who seemingly also chose, of his free will, to have sex with someone 30 years younger.

Is it normal? No.
Is it wise? Who knows - he might a much better choice than an immature 17 year old, or he might not.
Does it squick you? Apparently
Is there predation, stalking, grooming, or anything illegal? No

I very much doubt you would have the same reaction to an 18 year old man losing their virginity to someone else's mum.

Just chill, and let people make their own decisions.