AIBU for feeling annoyed my friend is meeting up with others on our holiday? I paid for the airbnb

[TheRubyPoet]

My friend hadn't been on a sun holiday for a while and I booked an Airbnb in the canaries. She has her own bedroom and ensuite and as I was going to travel alone I didn't mind offering her the room for free.
I assumed we'd have meals together and agree on trips and have some alone time as well as hang out at the beach.
I know her over 20 years but not been on holiday with her.
She has a school friend who lives in gran Canaria who she met on day 2, day 3 and day 4 today, I don't really like her and so politely left after a couple of drinks on day 2.
My friend has continued to meet up with this friend and not see this as a problem. I'm absolutely floored that she would leave me alone to hang out with her when it wasn't discussed when I offered her the free room.
AIBU and what should I say?

Another one who doesn't understand why you didn't communicate your expectations ahead of time. If I'd been offered a room by someone who had originally intended to travel solo, I'd expect to mostly fend for myself and not necessarily hang out with them all the time. It's certainly not unreasonable of her to meet up with another friend who lives out there.

You were invited to join them so you weren't being excluded - you chose to absent yourself, so obviously they now assume you'd rather be alone.

In terms of strings attached - if I was offered a free room I'd definitely try to reciprocate in some way, probably a fancy dinner as you say. But not necessarily on the holiday itself (where she has plans and assumes you also have plans). I'd do it when I got back to the UK. However, if I was the one offering the free room it would genuinely come with no strings attached and I wouldn't expect reciprocity, nor be offended if I didn't get it. I'd be mindful that she may be on a tighter budget than me, too.

Ultimately it sounds like it doesn't matter though - you don't actually seem to like her so why would you want to hang out with her? Just end the friendship once the holiday is over. Consider only being friends with people you like enough to extend no-strings-attached generosity to.

If I thought someone was so broke they needed a free room on holiday, I'd not be expecting big gestures of thanks, or be surprised if they were keen to be wined and dined by a rich friend.

Part of the problem here is that you were invited to meet up with this friend too but you don’t like this other friend. If this part didn’t happen, I would say you’re not being unreasonable for being annoyed your friend has visited her friend often - who she does not otherwise get to see.

when travelling with people, it really is a good idea to discuss in advance at least a draft itinerary of what you both round like to see and do plus how much time is off on your own.

this is only about your friend seeing her friend but what expectations were of each other such as meals together , eating in it eating out, sightseeing just see spits, days by pool or beach. That sort of thing. Particularly as you have never travelled with her.

unfortunately, I see that as both your problems but mainly yours as you don’t want to go things that includes her friend.

Sorry, I think YABU. If I was your friend, I would think the same. You offered a spare room for free, on a holiday you were going on alone. You didn't travel together, nor did you indicate what your actual expectations were. I really would have thought you wouldn't want me under your feet and intruding on your holiday. And if it was me that was offering the spare room, I wouldn't really have expected to see that person except in passing, or maybe for a couple of drinks. I'd have been getting on with my own plans.

I haven't been on a proper sun holiday for over 10 years, because I can't afford it. If I knew a friend expected me to pay for her groceries (when I wasn't even eating there), pay for a boat trip for her, and a fancy dinner, I'd have declined, because I wouldn't have that money to spare. I would most definitely make some sort of gesture of appreciation when we returned though, and it's entirely possible your friend might do this upon her return.

Also, scrounging is more when you ask for things for free, not accepting something which someone has offered off their own back.

You've neglected to use your words here OP and have wrongly assumed that everybody thinks the way you do.

There is an unspoken expectation that if you're travelling together you do at least something together

But they weren't travelling together. OP is clear that the friend lives elsewhere, so travelled separately.

OP's friend was offered a room in an airB&B that OP had already booked. She had clearly invited OP out for dinner with her friend on day 2, but OP left after drinks as she didn't like the friend. I would not be surprised if she was now keeping out of OP's way, under the impression that OP does not want her solo trip spoiled.

Shame you don’t like the friend, but I wouldn’t holiday with her again

@TheRubyPoet

I'd buy groceries, book a boat trip and pay for a fancy meal if a friend offered me a 'free room' because obviously it isn't 'free'.
You've said she hasn't much money. So after paying for her airfare maybe she doesn't have the money for groceries for 2, a fancy meal and a boat trip?

All of this could have been dealt with - and still can - by communicating with your friend. Communicate your expectations and allow her to say what hers are/were.
Hoping things work out nicely for you 💕

@christmaslatte

But when we got there it turned out she had plans that meant I spent the daytimes alone and the evenings with her and friends who made no effort to include me e.g. they all speak good English but spent the evening talking in their mother tongue so I was left out.

You expected her and her friends to speak your language in her hometown. Only English speakers think like this!

YANBU. Ignore the Mumsnet contrarians. If you said black they'd insist white, they can't seem to help themselves.
You mean, "ignore everyone who doesn't agree with me" ? It's not really how a discussion works, nor how it works when you ask strangers if YABU

There is an unspoken expectation that if you're travelling together you do at least something together, and if that's not the case the right thing to do is tell the other person before travelling so they can make their own plans, not find themselves alone unexpectedly.

But you weren't traveling together.
You'd booked flights to where your friend lived, and she kindly said you could stay there (presumably to save you money on hotels). She didn't invited you to come and stay. She didn't say "Oh, come and stay, we can hang out together and I'll take you to all the tourist things I've already seen before and don't need to go to again".

You sound very entitled, being aggrieved about that.

She is a massive CF and taking you and her old friend for mugs.
Personally I wouldn't go out of my way to meet up with her again, this is a serious lack of manners.
I hope you enjoy your break.

@christmaslatte Did you really expect your friend to visit her home city from abroad and just not see any family or friends while she was there?

I'd love to spend a weekend in my home city with friends that have never been there but I couldn't just not see my parents while I was there as I only usually go back once a year. Meanwhile If we went to DH's home COUNTRY and didn't visit his Mum she'd be devastated, never mind the city.

No, of course not! Where did I say that?

It's about expectations. If you took a friend to your hometown, surely you'd do something with them, that was intended to be for them to enjoy? Or if you were too busy to do that, wouldn't you make that clear before flying?

She'd always said she'd loved to show me her hometown and that's why we booked it. In the run up to it, she made it seem like we were going for a weekend city break together.

But the reality when we got there was I was treated like a spare part.

I wouldn't have minded spending a day by myself at all with a bit of notice - but she just landed it on me. This was years ago, pre-internet days, so it wasn't easy to make a plan for what to do by myself in a city where I didn't speak the language and hadn't brought a guidebook as I didn't think I needed one! So I just ended up wandering the streets on my own. Had an OK time nevertheless, as I'm pretty resourceful. But it's being a shit host to spring that on someone.

Then the weekend continued in the same vein, it was all about what she needed to do and no consideration to me having a nice time. The "showing me her hometown" never materialised.

It was a real surprise as I'd never be so thoughtless to treat an acquaintance like that, let alone someone I claimed to see as a friend. It's selfish.

It's a country where they all speak English very well, I'd met a few of them in the UK previously and they spoke it pretty much fluently.

So yes, I would expect if they've invited me on an evening to speak to me in a language I can understand, not have me just sit there silently.

In the end I got bored and went and found some people who were up for speaking English with me. Which annoyed my friend, it turned out.

But what would you have done, just sat there and said nothing for hours?

It's not about being English (you're making assumptions there, how do you know I'm English anyway?).

When I've had guests staying who speak languages I / my partner / my friends understand, yes we have made an effort to speak to them in their own languages and certainly wouldn't expect a non English speaker to just to sit silently while we spoke over them. What rude hosting!

Sigh.

No, the whole point was she'd said she wanted to show me her hometown.

I wasn't ever planning on going on my own. That particular trip was my idea, but the idea was to travel together and she seemed up for it until we got there.

And yes, Mumsnet contrarians. I've been here over 15 years, please don't pretend you don't know what I mean 😂

I think some of these posts are really odd.

I genuinely don't believe there is a single person on this thread that would accept the offer of a free room on a nice holiday, and then ignore their travelling companion. At the very least, you'd have a conversation about treating them to a meal, or do you want to do something tomorrow or whatever.

I also think it's on the person getting the free offer to approach their travel companion and at least let them know they've made plans and when can they hang out. This isn't a stranger, this is someone OP has known for 20 years.

OP, of corse your not unreasonable to expect to spend time with your friend who is in the same AurBnB as you! Maybe just say "will you and I go out to xyz in the afternoon then have dinner together tmrw" or whatever.

She must have factored in spending money / food costs when accepting the free room.

It's not about being English (you're making assumptions there, how do you know I'm English anyway?).

I very deliberately said, "English speakers" not "English people".

This isnt high season

• misses the point

Had you met the friend before this trip? What’s so awful about her that you had to leave abruptly? Maybe your friend thought that the 3 of you could hang out together and is now feeling awkward and thinking you would prefer to be alone

As you were going anyway I think she has accepted the free accommodation at face value, with no strings attached. Her plan was to use it to meet up with a friend. Bonus, the friend is paying for everything. She sounds like a user.

I don’t think you’ll gain anything by broaching it with her. Logically you can’t fault her reasoning, it’s just incredibly bad mannered to accept someone’s generosity and not reciprocate in some way.

If you feel you must say something, how about “Look, Freeloader, I realise you’re here to spend time with your friend, I won’t be at all offended if you want to go and stay with her. Actually I wouldn’t mind having the place to myself for a day or two. How about we arrange to meet up at the end of the holiday for a farewell drink?”