AIBU for feeling annoyed my friend is meeting up with others on our holiday? I paid for the airbnb

[TheRubyPoet]

My friend hadn't been on a sun holiday for a while and I booked an Airbnb in the canaries. She has her own bedroom and ensuite and as I was going to travel alone I didn't mind offering her the room for free.
I assumed we'd have meals together and agree on trips and have some alone time as well as hang out at the beach.
I know her over 20 years but not been on holiday with her.
She has a school friend who lives in gran Canaria who she met on day 2, day 3 and day 4 today, I don't really like her and so politely left after a couple of drinks on day 2.
My friend has continued to meet up with this friend and not see this as a problem. I'm absolutely floored that she would leave me alone to hang out with her when it wasn't discussed when I offered her the free room.
AIBU and what should I say?

But having her there or not would have no impact on the cost.

you told her you were going alone, you left her with her friend on day 2 and probably with a cats bum face, so she has left you to it.

SHE didn’t leave you alone, YOU left

if you wanted her to share a holiday with you, you should have said that and talked about what kinds of things you wanted to do while there. You’re a poor communicator and anti social (from her perspective)

Readng your updates and getting the full context, I now agree she is a scrounger. But you did say she could never afford a holiday so maybe she can not afford the food either and sorted out her friend to pay for food before she came??

you could plan some things and ask if she fancies going there with you? Maybe a nice restaurant which had really good reviews. Or a beautiful beach that has amazing views.
if you're not suggesting doing anything, she'll just keep meeting up with her friend because there isn't any other alternative

I mean yes that’s possible but anyone with a moderately decent eq would realise if you’re going away with and sharing accommodation with someone you’ve been friends with for 20 years that you’d have the odd meal together. I mean that’s just normal behaviour.

And then the icing on the cake is that she hasn’t offered to pay for a grocery shop, never mind a meal. She’s a taker.

Christ OP if you're so desperate that she buy you a meal to display her gratitude then you should have made that clear when you offered her the room, or offered her it at a contribution to the Airbnb cost if you really begrudge her the low cost trip this much.

I agree that since it was originally a solo holiday she probably thinks you want the solo time, despite that it does seem like she's invited you to join her and her friend and you've chosen not to?

To everyone calling her a scrounger, I don't see anywhere that she asked to come along on the trip for free?

How many days do you have left? It may be that she will plan this for the last evening? If she had handed over money for the week to reciprocate would that have been acceptable?

It sounds more that you expected her company for the holiday throughout. It's not what she intended and has obviously made plans with her friend. It sounds also that you were included but don't like her friend so excused yourself.

You've known her for 20 years, are you really not able to raise this with her so that your friendship doesn't get written off over very mutually poor communication?

If someone offered you a 'free' ensuite room in a resort in high season, would you really think 'no strings attached'?
I'd buy groceries, book a boat trip and pay for a fancy meal if a friend offered me a 'free room' because obviously it isn't 'free'.

Yes, but other normal behaviour in friendships includes actually speaking to each other.

How was the plane journey? Did you talk then?

Surely you both discussed what you planned to do, rather than assume you'd be doing certain things?

Why did you assume that you were holidaying together? That is the crux. Your friend of 20 years accepted your offer of a free room at the place you'd booked. You assumed that you'd be doing stuff together - she assumed otherwise.

It is odd that if you are such good friends that she didn't check with you but by the same token, you didn't check with her. No, I wouldn't just go ahead and book a boat trip. I would though buy groceries or pay for a fancy meal but without any expectation that we'd be doing the holiday together.

It's a shame because you had reasonably expected to be holidaying with a friend but, this was your choice - the resort, the room (and the spare). Friends intending to holiday together would discuss and plan together wouldn't they?

Can you have a conversation with her and make the best of it?

So exactly how much were you expecting her to pay for the 'free room'. Sounds like groceries, a meal and a boat trip, so not free so you should have charged her £200. Also you expected a certain level of company. Sounds like a room with lots of strings attached. Maybe she could only afford to go because it was free. It's not like it was a planned holiday and I assume she had to pay flights.

We didn't fly together, we live in different cities, we see each other 4-5 times a year and we both had busy schedules in December so that's why we didn't discuss the holiday much.

If I offered a friend a free room it would be genuinely free with no strings attached. If my friend then felt the need to buy my groceries, a boat trip and pay for fancy meals I would be mortified and wonder what I had done to make her feel so uncomfortable.

@TheRubyPoet

It would be second nature for me to do those things too, as that's the kind of person I am.
You're feeling resentful and I get that. But you're going to have to talk to her. I'd say the friendship isn't going to be the same now anyway, so you've nothing to lose.

Whilst I think it is the usual social norm to be reciprocal with gestures like this, you need to stop referring to the room as free as you clearly expected something in return even if it wasn't money.

I think you are within your rights to ask her to leave and stay with her school friend for the rest of the trip if she wants to spend all her time with her

YABU

She has her own bedroom and ensuite and as I was going to travel alone didn't mind offering her the room for free.

I think this is the key.

You didn't say "Do you want to go on holiday together?", or discuss your expectation with her. You said "I've got a spare room if you want to use it".

If anything, if someone who was planning to holiday alone said I could use a spare room they had, I would have assumed they preferred to spend time alone, in the first instance, and arranged to give them space. That said, I would have discussed it with them before agreeing.

It doesn't sound like you like her very much. And that you have a very transactional view of all this - there was nothing generous about offering her the room given the expectations you have of what she owes you in return.

"didn't mind offering her the room for free" plus a meal (specifically at a fancy restaurant), some groceries, a boat trip, our meals together and hanging out together most of the time?

I'm not convinced she's a scrounger at all. It's not clear if the reason she hasn't been on holiday recently is because of financial issues? If so, the idea of having her stay in the empty room you'd have regardless with the expectation of a nice meal seems shortsighted.

You say you left her because you don't like her friend, is she now inviting you out and you are declining her invites?

Did you discuss at all plans for during the holiday? It's entirely possible she's planning on thanking you some way at the end, or thinks you're declining invites because you want your own space. Or maybe she just took you at your word when you told her the room was free?

THIS
Assumptions and presumptions can cause all sorts of misunderstandings

I agree with you in the main OP. Though equally, if you had already booked and paid for the apartment, and then you travelled separately and each paid for your own flights it may be that she doesn’t feel as indebted to you as you think she should. Unless you mean you booked a bigger place because she was going?

I would probably anticipate a meal/drinks out one night to say thanks.

You are quite quick to think poorly of her however given your language towards her and her going out with her friend, is it that you are more hurt than anything else because you thought you were better friends than she did?

Well you sound as much of a scrounger as OP’s grifting frenemy.
Im sorry OP but this ‘friend’ sounds like a user so I’d be dialling down contact once I got home and was shot of them.

Surely if someone offers you hospitality you reciprocate with a gesture. If I go to someone house for a meal I’ll take a bottle of wine and some flowers. Not to “pay” for the meal but because I appreciate their effort and kindness. I see this in the same way, if I’m invited to share accommodation that someone else has paid for I’d either offer to pay half or, if that was refused, I’d buy a nice meal, pay for groceries or something. I’d also spend time with the person who made such a kind offer.

It’s not about being transactional, it’s about appreciation and courtesy. If I didn’t like the person enough to spend time with them, I’d decline the offer.

@Jellycatspyjamas - for all we know, the friend is planning to do so.

OP, she clearly sees it as you simply saying she can use the room and you holiday separately.
She's a CF.
Don't let it spoil you holiday.
She has a better offer and is using it.
It must sting, but now you know.