AIBU for feeling annoyed my friend is meeting up with others on our holiday? I paid for the airbnb

[TheRubyPoet]

My friend hadn't been on a sun holiday for a while and I booked an Airbnb in the canaries. She has her own bedroom and ensuite and as I was going to travel alone I didn't mind offering her the room for free.
I assumed we'd have meals together and agree on trips and have some alone time as well as hang out at the beach.
I know her over 20 years but not been on holiday with her.
She has a school friend who lives in gran Canaria who she met on day 2, day 3 and day 4 today, I don't really like her and so politely left after a couple of drinks on day 2.
My friend has continued to meet up with this friend and not see this as a problem. I'm absolutely floored that she would leave me alone to hang out with her when it wasn't discussed when I offered her the free room.
AIBU and what should I say?

I’m not sure I follow your logic.

If I give someone something for free, and don’t expect anything back from them, that makes me a scrounger? What did I scrounge in that scenario?

She sounds like she's using both of you, enjoy your holiday, take yourself for a lovely meal and don't ask her again

That doesn't make sense.

If the perception of the friend is that the OP has said "Look, I've got a spare room sitting there doing nothing, if you can use it", then how would that make her a CF ?
She's taken up the offer as she understood it.

I agree with @DangerMouseAndPenfoldx - If I offer someone something for free, then I am genuinely offering it for free. I have no expectation, or hidden agenda that I am offering it to someone so they will buy me things

I used to book a cottage every year for my family and my sis in law and her son. She is a single parent and money is tight so I never asked her to contribute.

The last year we did it, it was a disaster. She arranged for her sister (my other sister in law) to stay in the same resort without even telling us. I only found out through jokey messages on the family WhatsApp.

They hung out together the whole holiday. We rarely saw them. We have dogs and tend to go for walks - they just went off on their own to non dog friendly places.

I have stopped inviting sis in law now.

I agree with the majority here, you were going alone, then offered the friend a room. Who paid for her flight?
I see from your replies to certain people, that your tone has changed from the original post and now you're saying that she's a scrounger and should be buying things or treating you. Yes, I agree with one part of that, she should at least take you for a thank you meal. But if she's hardly spending any time with you, because you basically offered her a free room, then I don't see why she should buy groceries and treats.
You should have communicated right from the off that you expected her to spend every waking minute joined at the hip. I think you have over assumed here. If she's paid for her own flight, maybe that took all her money and she's spoken to the friend before travelling, who has told her not to worry about that, she'll take care of it. (I've done that with friends, in different circumstances to holidays).
As we have no idea about your exact wording when you offered her the room, we only have your word that she's a "scrounger". You've been friends for 20 years, I'm sure you'd have known her character when you asked her if she'd like the room?!

Totally agree she is CF, she least she could do is taking you out for a nice meal, never invite her again.

It's hardly high season is it 😅

And it's not really a grand gesture if you were already staying there.

It's a room that would.itherwise have been unused.

i often offer spare rooms in holiday accommodation I have booked to a friend for free. But I make it very clear to them what I intend to do on the holiday (it’s usually to do specific hikes) and that I won’t be changing the itinerary but they are free to join in what they want and spend the evenings together. Sometimes folk accept, other times they don’t but at least it’s clear.
i think maybe you should have been clearer with your friend on your expectations, but I agree it’s rude to not spend any time with you as she obviously wants to socialise as she’s spending it with the other friend.

We rented a cottage recently that happened to have two bedrooms. I invited our friends to stay and they insisted on taking us out for dinner even though we would still have rented the same accommodation without them. That's what classy friends do - they reciprocate favours.

No one is saying that the friend needs to spend all her time with OP, but when it became clear that OP didn't gel with the other friend, she could at least have rotated a bit and gone out for one or two days and for dinner with her.

Could be a lucky escape as she might expect you to pay for any meals out with her...

Perhaps you should give her a bill for her room. 🤷‍♀️

Tell her you’d like to do something together.

but I agree it’s rude to not spend any time with you as she obviously wants to socialise as she’s spending it with the other friend.

Well, she did spend Day one with her, and then, when she met up with her other friend, also spent time with the op.
It was the OP who decided she didn't want to spend anymore time with them, not the original friend.

This "friend" seems happy to take your free hospitality and yet spend little time with you. Sadly, it appears that her island friend is more important. If I was your friend, before leaving home, I'd have had a chat about expectations eg one day together, one day alone. She shouldn't need to be with you every day but a decent amount of time is the nice thing to do.

I think the list of things you wanted her to pay for is unreasonable; boat trip (why?), groceries (she's not eating there) and fancy meal (this one I would say is reasonable).

However, not telling you she had a friend there she expected to spend all her time with, while staying with you, is weird.

Why didn't she just stay wth her friend?

Sorry your holiday isn't as you hoped, I think some PP are being very harsh on you and of course you should expect some company, or at least to have that communication.
Is she planning days out and then telling you? She should discuss this with you beforehand, I hoped to meet (other friend),for dinner, does that work for you?
Is she buying anything for the Airbnb? Water, drinks, basic?
Does she just get up & tell you she's off, without opportunity for you to suggest alternatives.
Maybe you need to catch up when she comes back & suggest a.day/ meal/ activity together...if she refuses as has plans, tell her this wasn't what you expected.
Hope you can enjoy the rest of your break.

It’s either a free room or it isn’t a free room, OP you told her it was a free room.

OP you didn't book a holiday together.

You were travelling and booked a two bed apartment. You offered someone else the second room, and she accepted.

Whether her school friend is paying for her meals or not is not any of your business, that's between her and the school friend.

Yes you've offered her a room, but it's not like you've paid more for it, it was going spare no matter what.

Why did you invite her?

make a plan to something? Talk to her.
you were going on holiday alone so she likely assumes you have your own plan or wanted some quiet time.

why would she assume you want to do stuff together if you don’t say?

But you said can’t afford to go away, so a boat trip and groceries and fancy meal seems like it would probably be outside of her budget?

and maybe she doesn’t want to be an extra financial burden so is enjoying the kindness of her other mate.

you invited and are now calling her a scrounged for accepting. If I invited my skint friend to use a spare room on holiday and wanted to spend time I would simply speak to them if I was feeling a bit forgotten. I wouldn’t expect them to take me to dinner as I’d know it might be a bit out of their financial remit, if they did I’d make sure it was somewhere cheap.

offering your mate of 20 years a free room and then calling them a scrounger for having lunch and dinner at someone else’s house is quite mean.

I would interpret "let's go on holiday together," or "come on holiday with me, there's room, I'd love the company," as the kind of holiday OP is expecting.

I'd interpret "you can have this room," combined with leaving in a slightly antisocial way on day 2 as a hint to stay out of your way and not overstep on your holiday.

You think you are right to be a bit grumpy about her not hanging out with you, but in reality it gives the impression you don't want her to. If you wanted to spend time together, you need to undo this impression a bit, a simple "would you like to do x, it looks like fun, maybe tomorrow?" Would be enough.

I think that’s fair.

YANBU. Ignore the Mumsnet contrarians. If you said black they'd insist white, they can't seem to help themselves.

Of course it's rude.

I had a similar situation but slightly reversed. I travelled with a friend to her hometown in another country for a weekend break. It was my idea to go as I'd seen some cheap flights. She was really up for it, said we could stay at her flat, where she had a lodger and have a nice weekend.

But when we got there it turned out she had plans that meant I spent the daytimes alone and the evenings with her and friends who made no effort to include me e.g. they all speak good English but spent the evening talking in their mother tongue so I was left out.

I had a nice enough time when I was on my own, exploring the town, and I made my own friends elsewhere when they all ignored me, but it was the end of our friendship.

There is an unspoken expectation that if you're travelling together you do at least something together, and if that's not the case the right thing to do is tell the other person before travelling so they can make their own plans, not find themselves alone unexpectedly.