I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

As did most other people OP
You are not alone, hang on in there and take care of yourself as best you can

It’s getting a bit silly now. Promoting an attitude of gratitude overall and teaching this is already something most folk do or should do.
If we applied the same logic though to other areas where does it end!? Complaining about DP… think of those who are single… worried about money… think of those with double the debt, recently bereaved, think of those suffering multiple bereavements etc. It’s daft. As I say most already will acknowledge there are worse off. Shouldn’t minimise OPs struggles. Chances are those childless people might feel exactly as she does now had things been different.
Overall we shouldn’t minimise our or others suffering, as at end of day whatever we feel we feel and that’s ok.

Put them in front of the TV (Ceebebees is safe) and have some coffee. Thereafter get an old sheet and cover the floor. Paints, crayons, paper. Let them paint. Have damp towel handy for mucky mits and read a book, get out your kindle, or whatever. When they are done with that it's time for a story, so sit on the sofa and read to them; very relaxing. Go for a walk and likely they will fall asleep. Make toast and put cream cheese on it and sit in front of whatever Ceebebies has on and relax - helps if auxiliary heating such as a fire is on.
It's not quite 'doing nothing' but it is less stressful than running around doing things, dragging everyone off to a toddler group or whatever - you can do that tomorrow. Cook easy evening meal like spaghetti bolognese. Load dishwasher while DH reads bedtime stories and tucks them up - bath is optional but has the good effect of making children sleepy. No screens after tea, either.

What is so unthinkably awful about having an only child that you would deliberately have a second child you don’t want? I swear to God, people are completely nuts on here.

You're not alone OP. It's a slog especially when the weather is too cold and icy go go out properly.

My little one is 8 months and sometimes I'm counting down the hours till bedtime. I loveher to bits and miss her once she's asleep, luckily she is a good sleeper but often unhappy in the day and I struggle to cope. Dh is away a lot for work.

Threads like these reassure me that the way I feel is normal.

You don't have to like it, it's what you signed up for. Yes it's a lot harder than you think and tedious and frustrating some days, but you just have to get on with it and do the best you can.

I have to take the odd day of annual leave just to veg on the sofa and watch netflix every so often. Kids are at school/nursery. Could you do something like this to keep you sane?

Simply because this thread gives people the impression having children is a nightmare. I'm sorry but I find that offensive. I had highly intelligent children who required constant stimulation from the start.It was undoubtedly hard work & I often felt drained & exhausted. Ask me if I'd do it all again & my answer would be a resounding yes. Their school achievements, music,sport, clubs,the fun & laughter as a family during holidays etc,everything that kept us & them going.Nothing compares to the pride I feel having been gifted with amazing human beings & the love I feel for them & receive in return.They are older now but I would have those days back in a heartbeat.I feel sorry so many of you feel its nothing but a relentless chore.

@Thoughtsonallsorts but why is that offensive, do you understand what the word means?

Yep, we all think that our little cherubs will be angelic, sleep through make no mess, and eat everything! If only...! 😅

OP, it gets better. You're doing great. Most people find small kids hard work. It's not just you. I have a 19 month old and a 10 year old. It all works out in the end. Find moments of joy where you can. That's what I do.

My DC are highly intelligent too and have been quite a lot of hard work too, but if I'd be lying if I said it wasn't relentless or a chore at times, because it bloody is.

I'm incredibly proud of my wonderful DC, who are absolutely delightful, thriving and people who are the best achievements I've had. But it isn't offensive to be someone who also find parenting hard, just because of the fact I've been blessed with my great kids. It's ok to think that way too. There's not a mutually exclusive thought that comes with having great kids, just as someone who has very difficult to parent DC are "supposed" to feel exhausted etc all the time.

Having children can be a nightmare, definitely. Perhaps some parents should be told this more truthfully before having them.

To many, not having children is a far worse nightmare

@Thoughtsonallsorts - I don’t think the OP sounds as if she hates parenting - I just think she is struggling - and surely it is better that she has somewhere to vent about these feelings, and get some support, than she bottles it all up until she does real damage to her mental health!

It honestly feels as if you want the OP to carry on struggling and being unhappy, instead of finding a bit of support and encouragement here - and you are doing a fine job of it.

I am not saying you need to try to empathise with @ThatCleverFawn, or offer any support - but do you have to actively try to make her feel worse?

To call 30 odd quid for a 50 minute swim session cheap is absolute peak Mumsnet middle class privilege

OP, you aren’t wrong for calling parenting out as the hard slog that it is. Yes some find it rewarding, but often suspect those are a certain type of person, think primary school teacher etc. Particularly if you are/were creative, kids are hard to manage as they require a huge amount of your time and energy, which leaves other areas of your life feeling pretty barren and empty. Everyone will be crying ‘it gets so much easier’, I’m not sure that is necessarily true I think the phases are different.

Yep, a relentless chore is an accurate description.

Yes, it is absolutely. I was adopted as was my late DB, and to my parents, we were the gifts that they had dreamed of.

But - as we were adopted from different parents, we were quite different children, my DB a lot more fragile mentally than me. His teenage years were quite literally like having Kevin the teenager times a thousand. My parents loved him very much, were willing to do anything to help him and of course they did up until he passed away aged 34 from cancer, but if they'd had a crystal ball before adopting, it might have been quite interesting what they'd thought.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I have two adult children now and if I am honest there were a about 3 or 4 quite nice years when they were between 6 and 10 where parenting had its rewards but babies, toddlers, pre-teens, teenagers and young adults was all really hard in my opinion just in different ways. I often think parental love and all the instance on the joy and it being worth it must be some kind of Stockholm syndrome we develop to cope with the utter evisceration of our lives when we become parents.

I'd always been good with teenagers but found dealing with the ups and downs and stresses of my own teenagers lives really hard. I hit perimenopause as they were mid to late teens and that was not a good situation. I left home at 18 and was more or less self sufficient from that point on but these days its fairly normal for your children to be still hugely dependent on you into their 20's and even beyond, not to mention the fairly blanket expectation these days that grandparents will provide free childcare or will be on hand to give large amounts of financial assistance and then they make you feel like shit when you can't do it because you literally don't have the money and you can't do the free childcare because you still need to work to survive because everyone else gets loads of help from their parents and they don't seem to appreciate you have much less than you might have had if it weren't for helping them so much already.

My kids are basically good people but its so hard and life is very tough and unforgiving these days. I do think if more people really knew what it was actually like and how thankless a task it is and were not swayed by rose tinted visions of family life then far fewer people would have children at all, its already happening. I had dreams for myself but I felt hollowed out by motherhood and in the aftermath of that and menopause I still feel like I am trying to figure out who I was and what might be left of me if anything and I'm already an old lady!

In the past it might have been easier because our options in life were pretty limited and making a lifestyle choice not to have children was very rare and probably quite a privileged choice. Now its something anyone can choose and with so many other options with what we can do with our lives its literally a no brainer that more and more people are choosing not to have kids.

When I (rarely) complained to my mother about being stressed or exhausted she would answer me in the same context as I have posted here. I never thought for a minute she was lacking in sympathy or trying to make me feel worse. It actually had the opposite effect on me. I'd go back to parenting my children with only the positive aspects in my mind & how blessed I was to have them. One great piece of advice she gave me was to never battle against what you have to do for your children day to day. You have to submit yourself whole heartedly to the role of being a parent always putting your children first. Once you have accepted this it becomes second nature and you lose any feelings of resentment of everything required of you.

Your parents sound wonderful. I would love to have adopted a child.

OP my children are exactly the same age and it is exhausting, relentless and thankless. I often dread the weekends because it it is such hard work and that’s with my husband equal parenting too. It is easier one on one with them but it’s just about getting through each day and each week at the moment.

That is a tough stage - hard to get any time for yourself. I’m a bit further down the line (10 & 8), and whilst this stage is easier in terms of my own time, I’m actually mum’s taxi now. I had to be at a swimming gala at 0730 this morning, and I’ve taken the other child to his tutor. Then things like food shopping, washing and cleaning up. All very calm, but way less together. The stage you’re at now is the one I miss the most.

I sincerely hope that isn’t true.
I had my four within six years and honestly treasured every second, even the difficult times.
We had just enough money to get by but they were the most precious years of my life.

What a wonderfully positive post. You sound like an amazing mum.I treasured every moment too. There is nothing more beautiful than when your child hugs you out of the blue & says I love you mum. It makes it all worthwhile.