To think that DH should also do some form of flexible working?

[Stuckbetweenarockandarock]

For the last 4 years I have worked a compressed week (working full time into 4 days) and looked after DC on the other day whilst DH works. It’s been hard going, and I’ve saved us a family a lot of money over the years, got more time with the kids and they’ve spent less time in childcare. All been worth it.

youngest DC starts school in September and I’ve landed a new job which will be very demanding and stressful and although they have said I can do it over a compressed week, I’m not sure for my own sanity whether I can do it all.

i have said to DH that for a period of 6 months I think we should either a) he commits to all drops offs in the morning and the pick ups when he is WFH (so 6 out of 10 pick ups across the week) so I can do the compressed hours. Or we both compress into 4.5 days and split childcare over the 5th day. This is only for a period of 6 months until youngest DC starts school.

DH doesn’t want to do either and would rather pay for another day of childcare. That would be £350 extra a month, which I would just much rather keep and put in savings or whatever. We already pay a fortune in childcare. DH thinks it will affect his career as his boss ‘doesn’t believe in flexible working’, yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

of course we have fallen out over it, does anyone have any better ideas how to manage this?

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable. Make your lives a bit easier and pay for the extra day childcare.

Depends. Do you have a feel for whether he’s telling the truth about his boss? Seniority = nothing to do with it. In fact I would say more junior staff have heavier in office expectation a lot of times. Some bosses truly are awful also.

If he’s truthful and it’s £350 for 6 months I’d suck it up rather than add stress to what will already be a big adjustment period. I’d tell him to job hunt though as such lack of flexibility not ideal for a parent in a secondary income role, really.

If being untruthful he needs to massively wise up.

Go for childcare

I would say does he generally do his bit at home with other things or are you running the show… if the latter he needs to step up. I think he should at least ask his employer. I’d want to be quite sure it’s not your DH who can’t be bothered to pull his weight in parenting / family life.

Do you work for the same company? Because I don't see how you being able to means anything for his situation if his boss isn't okay with him doing it. You've said you're in a more senior position, and honestly that seems to be the situation where people get the most flexibility.

Men find it very very hard to ask for the flexible working IME. I pointed out to my DH that the feelings of fear and worry over not being taken seriously were the same for women and most of us have to confront it in our 30s because of children and mat leave. So he's had 10 years more than me of being able to prioritise his career.

Men also feel more pressure to be the breadwinners and in some nasty old fashioned work environments genuinely are judged harshly for even asking. So you and DH have to show each other kindness and try several approaches- maybe do the childcare but he also puts a marker down and asks for flex. The flexible need only increases as they go through primary school.

You being (very) more senior is probably why you've been granted it. Do you not trust DH to know his own workplace? In all honesty if you can I'd pay for the childcare and start looking at school hours and fitting both your working patterns to that. Even though you're allowed 2 requests a year it's much better of you just do one.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you just have different opinion on the desire to save the money.

Flexible working can be brilliant, but it can also be very stressful and sometimes the extra money just isn’t worth the weight on you. You could start off with the extra childcare and see if you start to really feel the financial pinch and then revisit the conversation. It’s easier to cut the childcare if you need to, rather than your husband flip flopping on flex working requests which might not be permitted.

Sounds like he’d rather work than parent. I hope you have the same amount in your pension as he has.

A more senior position often works in your favour when it comes to flexibility.

Less senior positions though unwarranted are often treated with less trust and are roles which require a more visible presence.

My partner has a more senior role than me in the same organisation and they definitely have more of a free rein to organise their time

You’re being totally reasonable. He needs to step up too, he’s 50% of their parents. I work my 5 in 4 and it is very very stressful. Whenever I go back to work after maternity leave (currently 5 months pregnant) my husband is dropping down to 4 days so that he can look after our two children 1 day a week, I do 1 day on my day off and then creche for 3 days.

I'm slightly torn on this. I'm not a fan of compressed hours, I've always found owning my diary and working flexibly to make the appointments, plays etc is what works for us, we've just sucked up the childcare costs over the years. It's part of the "outsourcing what you can" element if you're earning well to make life easier. It becomes more challenging when they get to year 5/6 if they're not able to independently get to school and they start feeling too old for club where we started really reducing it down, it was a win when they were enjoying it.

I also somewhat empathise with your husband's point, it is generally easier for women to get flexible working, a lot of older school bosses (from both sexes) don't quite understand the need for both sexes to be flexible, it's been a hard journey for my husband in a very male dominated environment with lots of men with women at home, but he's now senior and confident enough to put his foot down more and essentially answer back to comments, but it's not a very "safe space" to do that.

But do empathise with you that it shouldn't all be on you, but if the reasoning is purely financial, I would just pay it personally.

The decision as to whether someone could change their working hours isnt down to the employee though! If the employer says no, then theres not much the employee can do.

It doesn’t seem like he’s even asked here though

Different companies and different managers have different rules and attitudes. My company has a blanket rule against compressed hours for example. It's just not allowed.

yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

Seniority often comes with more flexibility.

I'm confused about him needing flexibility to do the school drop off and pick up - surely these are outside of working hours anyway? Or are you working with the children at home after school? If this is the case, I can see why he doesn't want to speak to his boss about flexibility.

What's been the situation with school drop off/pick up before now?

I agree it’s important to understand if he generally pulls his weight, or if he doesn’t and you feel that now you’re asking him to he’s finding reasons why it’s fine for you but too hard for him.
it’s not unreasonable to pay for childcare. If you go that path I suggest you book yourself a solo weekend away to recover from the long hours you’ve worked to save the family money, since he isn’t willing to make the same sacrifice he must agree you deserve it.

I think you should be doing both: paying a (not very large amount in the scheme of things) for the extra childcare AND he should be doing more drop offs and pick ups.

If he doesn't push for this he'll never know if he could have and never experience the joy of juggling.

Men who won't do or ask for any of this are contributing to the gender pay gap when they could be setting an example and easing things for other parents at work.

There's a rather engaging quote from Melinda Gates' autobiography where Bill started doing some pickups and suddenly there were many more dads at the school "if Bill Gates can do it..."

Although they are divorced...

OP, don't forget that if you continue to work compressed hours you will have Fridays free every week once your youngest starts school. That’s not to be sniffed at. In effect, assuming your working week hours are 40 hours, your compressed hours would look like either four 10 hour days and no work on Friday, giving you more time for domestic stuff / free time for yourself, or four 9 hour days plus one 4 hour day in Friday, freeing you up for school runs on that day. The remaining days just use paid for before / after school clubs.

Unless you have the same boss, it’s completely irrelevant if you’re in a more senior role and have been granted it or not?

My company has a flexible working policy - but my Director has said she won’t approve any requests for compressed hours (she feels it impacts productivity). This is made clear during the application process and We all know if we want that, we have to look elsewhere.

I bet there are women in his organisation that are working flexibly because of childcare. If they managed it, then what's stopping him from asking?

He will need to pay it then.

What are you actually asking for here? To do school pick up at about 3pm when he's working from home and then carry on working? There's no way that would work with my kids, especially at reception age, so I'd much prefer mine to go to proper childcare after school and be properly looked after.

If you're asking him to adjust his hours so he can start a little later to do drop off, then that could be reasonable, depending on his role. But not necessarily possible - I have an immovable 830 meeting on several days so it just wouldn't work for me so again, if childcare is available then it is a much better option.

You shouldn't take on all the childcare load but that's not what you're being asked to do, he's wanting to use proper childcare so you can both work effectively which seems fine.

I think it's fine for him to prefer to spend money on childcare rather than making his working life harder. In the same way that it would've been fine for you to have worked a standard working week previously, if you'd wanted.

Oh, I think I misread as you're taking about the time before school starts so it's an extra day in nursery Vs compressed hours? If so, with nursery being a longer day I think it's fine for him to do the majority of drop off and pick ups. But you can't dictate that he compresses hours to save a day in nursery. It won't harm your child to be in nursery five days a week for six months.

I've done compressed hours and it's very stressful, if it works, great, but no one should be forced into it. It's not like you're on the breadline and extra nursery fees will mean you can't heat your home, it's just less into savings which is a luxury really.

This is what I was getting at but much more succinct!