To think that DH should also do some form of flexible working?

[Stuckbetweenarockandarock]

For the last 4 years I have worked a compressed week (working full time into 4 days) and looked after DC on the other day whilst DH works. It’s been hard going, and I’ve saved us a family a lot of money over the years, got more time with the kids and they’ve spent less time in childcare. All been worth it.

youngest DC starts school in September and I’ve landed a new job which will be very demanding and stressful and although they have said I can do it over a compressed week, I’m not sure for my own sanity whether I can do it all.

i have said to DH that for a period of 6 months I think we should either a) he commits to all drops offs in the morning and the pick ups when he is WFH (so 6 out of 10 pick ups across the week) so I can do the compressed hours. Or we both compress into 4.5 days and split childcare over the 5th day. This is only for a period of 6 months until youngest DC starts school.

DH doesn’t want to do either and would rather pay for another day of childcare. That would be £350 extra a month, which I would just much rather keep and put in savings or whatever. We already pay a fortune in childcare. DH thinks it will affect his career as his boss ‘doesn’t believe in flexible working’, yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

of course we have fallen out over it, does anyone have any better ideas how to manage this?

Sorry and the reason why is he thinks an 8am start is too much stress although he doesn’t start until 9, but it means I’m not available to deal with the kids.

Ok, that actually is unreasonable.

I'd focus on that, rather than wanting him to make flexible working requests he knows aren't going to be accepted, and expecting him to try and change the whole way he does his job because of your value judgement about childcare costs.

It's only 6 months.
You have said compressed hours are difficult for you.
His employer does offer it.
I see you have no choice but childcare.
It's only 6 months.

Childcare is there from 8-6, but that’s literally my working hours and so I would need DH to do the drop offs and picks ups when he is not in the office (his hours are 9-5 WFH three days a week).

Wait what?? He's refusing to pick up and drop off his own children outside of his working hours when he's wfh so there's no commuting time either?

Why is this even a question? Obviously he should be doing this. This doesn't even require flexible working!

Two slightly different issues.

1. Sharing drop off and pick ups.

That's a complete no brainer that both of you should do it, and that it doesn't have to be 50/50, particularly as you've done more over the years.

1. Him doing compressed hours for six months.

It sounds like he has a company where this won't be acceptable and will be negatively perceived. And make his working life more difficult.

His solution is an extra day of childcare which seems sensible

He needs to drop and pick up and he should have been doing that all along.

You’re burying the lede here.

My DH has flexible working as do I - we have two DC with disabilities so no options on childcare outside school hours. It was definitely an adjustment for him - he works in a very male dominated industry and sometimes is still asked eg why he can't do something at 8.30am on a Tuesday. The fortunate aspect is he works for himself with different clients so can put the flexibility into his own schedule.

yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

Yes, senior positions generally bring more flexibility!

If he doesn't want to do the majority of the drop offs/pick ups, then just pay the £350 a month for 6 months.

DH has always done more drop offs and pick ups than me. He's got a more flexible job and is already out in the car.

He's always earned more than me.

I take the strain in the school holidays.

Just to add, going forwards, discussion definitely needed about sharing the load more for drop off/pick up and possibly if a DC is off ill?

YANBU - I think you’re getting a rough time here OP.
Starting school is exhausting for kids (teacher) and it would be nice for them to have one day going straight home (if doable!).

We share the drop offs and pick ups (but my times they have to go to before and after school club) DH took a job and dropped pay to be there for them more and so he could always be there for either dropping off or picking up which makes my life a million times easier and means they’re not in before or after school club everyday.

It would be nice if he could support you and let you have your career back after all you’ve done and try the shared school runs for 6 months but otherwise try with the extra £350 childcare. How much is the increase in pay for you?

In your OP I was torn - part "ugh Big Important Man Job" and part "for the sake of six months just make your lives easier and pay the childcare".

But the more you post the more it's clear he's just not willing to parent.

Solo mornings are stressful, but shucks. That's just part of it. Doing six out of ten runs a week for six months so your wife can settle into her new big job isn't a big deal at all.

My employer doesn’t do flexible working and wouldn’t do condensed hours (I’ve tried).
So I’m with your DH on that one.

But your DH must get a lunch break, so is there any flexibility where he works through lunch and instead takes his break on the school run?

It does seem silly that he’s WFH and can’t do the school run.

I agree

You say the new job will be difficult and compressed working might be more challenging. I think it will. I think compressed working is a very challenging flexible working approach. I have managed lots of people with flexible working patterns and this is the one that I think is most difficult for the individual.

My suggestion would be for you to go part time (if allowed) and have Fri off or for you DH to do this. I know this will be a financial hit but honestly I think it would be better for your well being.

I think lots of posters are missing the point. @Stuckbetweenarockandarock has carried a heavy load for years to save them money and ensure their kids get the best they can provide, she now needs help for 6 months and her DH isn’t willing to do it. I would imagine that feels like he doesn’t have her back and is undervaluing all the hard work she has put in over the years, which feels pretty shitty and would make me feel differently about my relationship as I would feel we aren’t the partnership I thought we were.

is that right @Stuckbetweenarockandarock ? if so have you put it in those terms rather than just focusing on logistics?

If you’re in a senior role, presumably you are paid well. Make your life easier and use the childcare.

He has asked for compressed hours and been told no so that is not happening. Childcare on the 5th day seems necessary.

If he works 9-5 then of course he does the drop off and pick ups. You can possibly if out if the house 8-6. He is being very unreasonable about that.

You are being SO reasonable. Men ‘finding it hard to ask’ is a self-fulfilling prophecy that feeds into unequal workplace cultures. He should interrogate his feelings about this. If his employers actually say no, then you have a backup plan, but him refusing to ask would make me lose some respect for him as a partner.

He is being ridiculous, it might be stressful for him but for you it is physically impossible. What is his solution? You go to work late everyday? How does he think that will play out??

If Op needs to work 8-6 she should just go out at 7.30 and leave the lazy git to cope.
Let's face it men do it all the time!!
He is being VVU
Essentially he wants a nice stress free life whilst Op is on her knees.
This would be LTB territory for me

He's doing a full time job not lazing around in a spa. Agree he needs to be picking up household duties so it's fair

I didn't say a FT job was lazy just refusing to deal with his own children certainly is.

Exactly. He doesn't want to do drop off at 8 when he starts work at 9 from home because it would mean getting his own children ready? Pah.

I'm confused as to why anything needs to change to be honest. Option a is that you do the same compressed hours as before, which was 8 till 6? Who is doing drop offs and pick ups currently... can't be you, you're working?
It seems he's asked his boss, his boss has told him his views... which are not uncommon, do you doubt this is true?