To think that DH should also do some form of flexible working?

[Stuckbetweenarockandarock]

For the last 4 years I have worked a compressed week (working full time into 4 days) and looked after DC on the other day whilst DH works. It’s been hard going, and I’ve saved us a family a lot of money over the years, got more time with the kids and they’ve spent less time in childcare. All been worth it.

youngest DC starts school in September and I’ve landed a new job which will be very demanding and stressful and although they have said I can do it over a compressed week, I’m not sure for my own sanity whether I can do it all.

i have said to DH that for a period of 6 months I think we should either a) he commits to all drops offs in the morning and the pick ups when he is WFH (so 6 out of 10 pick ups across the week) so I can do the compressed hours. Or we both compress into 4.5 days and split childcare over the 5th day. This is only for a period of 6 months until youngest DC starts school.

DH doesn’t want to do either and would rather pay for another day of childcare. That would be £350 extra a month, which I would just much rather keep and put in savings or whatever. We already pay a fortune in childcare. DH thinks it will affect his career as his boss ‘doesn’t believe in flexible working’, yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

of course we have fallen out over it, does anyone have any better ideas how to manage this?

I would doubt it was true seeing as he also doesn't want to do drop offs even though he can and is available. He sounds selfish and like he doesn't think parenting is his job.

Makes his life a bit easier you mean. Funny he didn't come up with his generous proposal to save OP from essentially working 1.2ft once you count in her care work on the extra day.

I'm torn. I mean he is definitely being unreasonable, and I was going to say ask him to decide how he is going to cover his half of the remaining childcare responsibilities (don't find the solution, don't pick up his slack). But actually he is proposing to cover his share by spending £2,100 of your joint money. Which is not entirely unreasonable as a choice.

Where I work compressed hours are allowed but it does put a strain on others who actually end up covering when the person is not in work. When mine were little it was much rarer so people just paid for breakfast club etc and childcare. Now with flexible working being so common half our staff seem to not be around until 9.30 and can't do anything at 3pm due to school runs. It's a massive pain at times as everything has to be squeezed into 10-3

Men often have a much harder time getting flexible working and are judged more for it. My husband did compressed hours a few years ago for a couple of years. They agreed to it but were constantly pressurising him to come back "full time".

Unfortunately men face discrimination too.

OP could have thought of it herself

I do agree if that's his argument it's a stupid one

I don’t really quite understand Op. I get that your DH doesn’t want to compress his hours and rock the boat.

But how is your first option that different to now? Surely if your kids are in childcare 8-6 and your DH wfh 9-5 for 3 days a week then he does the pickups and drop offs to allow you to work the longer hours. The 4th day you have a slight juggle presumably due to his commute and the 5th day you are home so do all childcare and school runs?

Your DH doesn’t want you to leave early/get back late so he has to be in charge of getting the kids to childcare alone? He’d rather you worked shorter hours each day and paid for the extra day childcare so you can do it and it doesn’t inconvenience him at all?

I still don't really understand. Is it that he'd rather you didn't compress so that you're both around for equal pick ups and drop offs? I don't know where him compressing too chilled into it or how it would be possible for either of you to do drop off or pick up if you're both working longer hours?

Up until now, can you post what your routine has looked like? And then the two options, what you're proposing and what he wants?

Eg previously:
Mon OP off so covering childcare
Tues OP drop off, DH pick up
Etc

I think it's really hard to comment without this clear info as we're all interpreting in different ways.

This.

Not all workplaces are equally committed to flexi working too.

He should be pulling his weight regarding pick ups and drop offs if he isn't expected to be working at those times. ✖️

Childcare is there from 8-6, but that’s literally my working hours

What happens on each day now, and what would you like to happen for 6 months?

If you start work at 8 and childcare starts at 8 and you finish at 6 when they do, who drops/collects them now?

im confused- pick up and drop off 3 days a week is 6. Or is Friday a wfh day for him, so that his wfh days only covers 2 of your working days? Can you switch a day so he covers 3 of them if so? And that’s 6?

This is a load of pathetic bollocks and I’d say for 6 months he should handle it and also it might be a very good idea to thank you every day for having done the hard yards for years and he was not appreciative. The outcome of that is now he does it for 6 months and graciously.

Most men don’t like asking for flexible working, they feel it demeans them. Probably because it’s associated with women. They’d never openly admit it though.

If he’s a grown man and doesn’t want to start work at 8 why the fuck does he think his young children want to jump up and get taken out to childcare 5 days a week? Time to be a parent. It is a valid choice for you to say I’ve worked my butt off so our children get a day at home and I’m not taking the job if you can’t help give them that day at home because it is too difficult to start work at 8. Dad of the year huh.

Men have the same rights to make a flexible working request and the employer has to apply the same criteria. Unfortunately too many men won’t even apply.

On one hand I don't blame him for not wanting to ask about flexible working. We've gone from a great flexible working culture to a new management where it is clearly is very much frowned upon unless you are the new management. I wouldn't even bother approaching my manager to ask about flexible working. On the other he needs to make sure he is going an equal load. Saying that if an extra day of childcare is the least stressful solution I'd pay the childcare for 6 months.

It doesn’t seem like it would be consequential for your DC to be in childcare 5 vs 4 days for 6 months, and it’s not unreasonable for your DH to prefer not to ask for a compressed work week. Whether there is some larger issue of him not pulling his weight is confusing to me, though, in terms of the drop offs and pick ups.

So current arrangement is I work from home and my working week is 35 hours and it’s not going up to 40 hours, so that is a fair whack extra. I’m also not currently inundated and so can do the drop offs and pick ups and keep on top of my work

I do a compressed week and I hate it. I need to catch up tomorrow because my son has been ill this week and my dh was working away so I had to look after him and got nothing near enough done.

I'm not sure what age your kids are but I'm quitting the compressed week as soon as my youngest starts school this year. I'm fed up of the long days and cramming it in. I often don't have enough time and I hate it hanging over me. You want to be able to focus on this new job and give it the attention it needs. You could do without the pressure of the compressed hours. So yea, dh could compress but it will be easier all round just to pay.

different organisations can have very different attitudes to flexible working/wfh

If he is doing pickups and collection when WFH, would that result in him starting at 9.30 ish post drop off, finishing at 3pm, then being engaged with childcare rather than working once he returns home? - as an employer I don't think I'd feel that was a full days work.

And this is why a lot of companies don't like giving flexi and wfh... people abuse it.

So he does drop off and pick up on his 3 wfh days . You do it on your day off. So it's only one day a week that's the issue, can you split it so that he does one end and you do the other? So he's literally going to start or finish later on one day.

Am I reading this right in that he doesn’t want to have to parent his children on his own a few mornings a week?