To think that DH should also do some form of flexible working?

[Stuckbetweenarockandarock]

For the last 4 years I have worked a compressed week (working full time into 4 days) and looked after DC on the other day whilst DH works. It’s been hard going, and I’ve saved us a family a lot of money over the years, got more time with the kids and they’ve spent less time in childcare. All been worth it.

youngest DC starts school in September and I’ve landed a new job which will be very demanding and stressful and although they have said I can do it over a compressed week, I’m not sure for my own sanity whether I can do it all.

i have said to DH that for a period of 6 months I think we should either a) he commits to all drops offs in the morning and the pick ups when he is WFH (so 6 out of 10 pick ups across the week) so I can do the compressed hours. Or we both compress into 4.5 days and split childcare over the 5th day. This is only for a period of 6 months until youngest DC starts school.

DH doesn’t want to do either and would rather pay for another day of childcare. That would be £350 extra a month, which I would just much rather keep and put in savings or whatever. We already pay a fortune in childcare. DH thinks it will affect his career as his boss ‘doesn’t believe in flexible working’, yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

of course we have fallen out over it, does anyone have any better ideas how to manage this?

I understand that maybe your DH’s work isn’t keen on compressed hours - but why doesn’t he want to do the pick-ups?

To be honest, if you’re earning a lot more money and have been managing all/most of the pick-ups to date then it sounds like he’s been taking a bit of an easy ride at your expense.

He should be equally responsible for worrying about your family’s finances and childcare - it’s not just your problem to find a solution

I think whether this is unreasonable really does pivot on whether his concerns about his job are well founded or fabricated to avoid ‘doing his bit’. If he is generally an engaged and equal parent and you don’t get the impression he is dodging his responsibilities than id go for the childcare option.

Of course he should make a flexible working request - it’s not usual for covering the school run. Does he take time off if the DC’s are ill?

I understand that maybe your DH’s work isn’t keen on compressed hours - but why doesn’t he want to do the pick-ups?

Yes, I'd focus on this.

It's legitimate for either party to prefer to compress or not compress hours, and to prefer childcare. It's also possible he is unpalatably and inconveniently right about his work. But those aren't reasons why he can't do an equal share of pick ups and drop offs.

Exactly this. It is entirely possible for your DH to know that the request would be refused without asking

I really feel for you. My DH’s role isn’t flexible at all when it easily could be as it’s office based 9-5 and easy to do from home. But that’s where he works and if an organisation isn’t open to flexible working then that’s not really the fault of the employee.

Also you mention you’re more senior, I do find that the more senior you are the more flexible you can be.

I’d just pay the extra for £350 a month if his workplace can’t do flexible working.

I work for a large corporate who are otherwise very flexible, but they are very not keen on compressed patterns and rarely approve them, for legitimate reasons.

how much of a difference will the extra 350 a month make? Some places are really inflexible only you know of your husband is being honest or just not pulling his weight? My husband couldn’t do school or nursery pick up but could do drop at breakfast club/ childminder is that an option?

I harassed my partner with "... BUT HAVE YOU ASKED?“ for about 3 months. He finally asked after giving me loads of that about noone else working flexibly so it's not possible etc and 2 days later they sent him a lovely email saying we've not had to do this before so sorry if this didn't look like it'll work but gave an example timetable where he started at 7 and finished at 4, 3 days a week with a few hours of admin from home inbetween. It was a better offer than what I got!
By law they have to consider flexible working requests. It's the law. The other option is he could use some of his 18 weeks of parental leave during the 6 months?

thanks all for the responses.

so DC are in nursery/wraparound four days a week. So no working whilst they’re at home or expecting anyone to do pick ups in the middle of the working day. Childcare is there from 8-6, but that’s literally my working hours and so I would need DH to do the drop offs and picks ups when he is not in the office (his hours are 9-5 WFH three days a week).

he has made no formal requests but his boss said to him that another dad in the team asked for a compressed week and he said he wouldn’t approve it because he just thinks people should work all week if they work full time as they’re getting away with less if they do a compressed week. DH says he will make his life difficult if he tries to get it approved.

I think deep down I feel like I’ve done a massive shift over the last few years of working and childcare (wanted that time with the kids too of course) and I feel resentful that he can’t just pick up the slack for the last 6 months of it and free me up and make my life easier. His answer to that is more childcare but I think my kids really benefit from that one day of being with me in the week.

I think he should put his big boy pants on and ask. The worst thing they can do is say no. He’s legally entitled to ask and I’d be very unimpressed if I were you tbh.

OP what are you asking from him exactly? For him to go compressed for 6 months? Or to do pick ups so you can continue to compress?

Would he be looking after a reception aged child after school pick-up? If so, that'd be a hard no from me, that would be really stressful.

Would after school club work instead on his WFH days? He could could up at 5:15/5:30 or whatever? Even that 30 mins makes a difference! Or is that the wraparound you meant?

Mine didn't step up and change his working pattern until we divorced and he needs to collect them on Friday / Mondays. I don't think it was in his mindset, men didn't do that. I don't even think it crossed his mind to be honest.

Times are changing and men are working different patterns but not all companies or men are doing the same.

he has made no formal requests but his boss said to him that another dad in the team asked for a compressed week and he said he wouldn’t approve it because he just thinks people should work all week if they work full time as they’re getting away with less if they do a compressed week. DH says he will make his life difficult if he tries to get it approved.

Do you think he's lying? Because if not, if this is accurate, it would seem to be a pretty good reason not to ask. The poster who said the worse they can do is say no is being very optimistic.

Everyone is on here bashing the husband but what about OP? Maybe this discussion should have been had before she accepted the job. If the day a week means so much to her that it’s causing an issue in her relationship then maybe she should have had the discussion with husband earlier?

At the end of the day it’s six months. Your children aren’t going to be mentally scared by another day in childcare.

I also think if OP and husband don’t work at the same company then she can’t comment on him being able to work flexibly etc.

Different companies have different cultures, flexibility is accepted in your company, but not in his.

He needs to do drop-off/pick-up equally through the week.

You need to concentrate on your job for 6 months - get the extra childcare, even if it’s only half a day on a Friday or every other week (which should be manageable if you can work longer on days he picks up/drops off).

You both need to consider that it’ll all change with everyone at school so a different flex may be needed then.

You need to remember there’s a long game in all this and this 6 months if Fridays isn’t the most important thing. (Though I understand it feels big now.)

No the school aged DC are in wraparound and so no one is working with kids around, it’s impossible and not something we would ever do.

Assuming your DH is being truthful about his boss’s attitude, i can understand his reluctance to ask, but I don’t understand why that stops him doing pick ups.

But unless he works for a very small company, where his boss is the owner, I’d still be asking him to put on his big boy pants, and not throw away thousands of pounds because he doesn’t want to annoy his manager. Like lots of women do, he can submit a request and put forward a case for how he could do his job while working compressed hours. The fact that it’s only for 6 months and 4.5 days should make it easier. Attitudes aside, there are jobs that are hard to do in a compressed working pattern - mine would be very difficult (but I have bags of flexibility otherwise), DH’s would be easier - you’ll know whether that’s the case for your DH.

If he’s really working somewhere that is pretty archaic when it comes to flexible working for dads, I’d be asking him to look elsewhere. You have a young family, you both work, you both need to be sble to juggle the workload. I have a much more senior job than DH, there’s no way I could do my job well if I was solely responsible for making childcare work, sick days and the such like, while doing compressed hours.

I did discuss and said don’t think I can take it on as it’s too much. He told me we would make it work and he would help me in whatever way he could, but when it actually comes to the crunch his solution is more childcare not provided by him…

She probably has more as in a more senior role. What's the relevance of hat anyway

Is he not willing to commit to the 3 days a week pick up and drop off when he's wfh? That, at least, is pretty unreasonable. If he's doing a 9 to 5 and the nursery does 8 to 6, unless it's some ridiculous distance he surely could do that.

He is willing to do that, but I’ve asked he do all morning drops off too. Those days he is in office he would work later, and I will do pick up those nights, plus the whole day on Friday I would do pick up/drop off and childcare. So he’s doing 6 and I’m doing 4, but he doesn’t want to do that.

Compressed hours are really tough on individuals and the company, and often other people working there.

It's OK for you to want to do it, but it's also OK for him to want to pay for childcare and do a normal working week