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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DH should also do some form of flexible working?

109 replies

Stuckbetweenarockandarock · 11/01/2025 07:39

For the last 4 years I have worked a compressed week (working full time into 4 days) and looked after DC on the other day whilst DH works. It’s been hard going, and I’ve saved us a family a lot of money over the years, got more time with the kids and they’ve spent less time in childcare. All been worth it.

youngest DC starts school in September and I’ve landed a new job which will be very demanding and stressful and although they have said I can do it over a compressed week, I’m not sure for my own sanity whether I can do it all.

i have said to DH that for a period of 6 months I think we should either a) he commits to all drops offs in the morning and the pick ups when he is WFH (so 6 out of 10 pick ups across the week) so I can do the compressed hours. Or we both compress into 4.5 days and split childcare over the 5th day. This is only for a period of 6 months until youngest DC starts school.

DH doesn’t want to do either and would rather pay for another day of childcare. That would be £350 extra a month, which I would just much rather keep and put in savings or whatever. We already pay a fortune in childcare. DH thinks it will affect his career as his boss ‘doesn’t believe in flexible working’, yet I’m in a very (more) senior position and have been granted it!

of course we have fallen out over it, does anyone have any better ideas how to manage this?

OP posts:
Stuckbetweenarockandarock · 12/01/2025 06:57

ThinWomansBrain · 11/01/2025 19:20

different organisations can have very different attitudes to flexible working/wfh

If he is doing pickups and collection when WFH, would that result in him starting at 9.30 ish post drop off, finishing at 3pm, then being engaged with childcare rather than working once he returns home? - as an employer I don't think I'd feel that was a full days work.

No have said a couple of times, using ASC until 6, not doing school pick up.

OP posts:
Stuckbetweenarockandarock · 12/01/2025 06:58

Catapultaway · 11/01/2025 23:13

And this is why a lot of companies don't like giving flexi and wfh... people abuse it.

not as bad as some people who do the school pick up at 3 and work with the kids at home sat in front of the TV

OP posts:
DarkForces · 12/01/2025 07:04

I'd focus on the extra time you got with your kids being a joy and just suck up the extra cost for 6 months. He knows the impact on his work and if it does affect his standing it could cost you a lot more in the longer term if he doesn't get promoted. Surely an extra day in nursery is better than a reluctant, resentful parent at home for the kids?

LizzyLine · 12/01/2025 08:26

I think you're entitled to expect he does 50% of drop offs and pick ups. That must be the default unless he's saying you should do more because you're a woman?!

It'd be nice if he agreed to step up for six months, but if he's doing his fair share difficult to criticise him too much.

I agree with the PP that said focus your energies on school arrangements as those are much more long term.

Also our DS really struggled moving up to five days at school after fewer in nursery, so actually maybe there's a benefit in seeing yours transition to more time in a formal setting in an environment they're already comfortable with. Although losing your day at home with them is super sad and I bet it's hard to hasten that.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/01/2025 08:37

My work doesn’t allow compressed working so he might not necessarily just be able to agree to it and realistically the drop offs and pick ups need to be shared. Compressed hours sounds like a great idea but actually fitting in normal hours with young kids is already very hard, I don’t think it’s that realistic to have even longer days. You need to either change to 4 normal days and accept less pay or go to 5 days and pay more childcare

Heronwatcher · 12/01/2025 08:46

I don’t think you’re being U but I don’t actually think he is either. I think to an extent you have to trust his judgement about how this would go down with his boss/ company. Especially since it doesn’t sound like he’s taking the piss already.

I’d just agree to pay for the extra childcare. It’s for a limited time, you get the benefit of more time to do the new job. The cost is a lot less than if DH’s career stalls or he gets made redundant etc.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/01/2025 10:22

I agree that you should focus on a long term arrangement so everyone is settled and in a routine for FT school.
Getting three (?) kids out the door on a solo basis to school and starting work on time by 9am is hard and stressful. Making it a default to one parent by starting at 8am when you don't have to is unfair if you both have a requirement to be in the office a few days a week.

But your DH does sound like he's let you pick up the slack and he will need to step up.

After that you could consider whether your new employer might be amenable to slightly compressed hours so you have every other Friday off for example?

Dogsbreath7 · 12/01/2025 22:15

Childcare. Stop being a martyr. You have already said you don’t think you can do it. He doesn’t think he can so why are you falling out over it?

MeandT · 13/01/2025 08:25

Sounds like DH could easily do 6 of the drop off/pick ups on his WFH days, so that needs to be the new default - even before your new role starts, so both he & kids can get used to it.

He's probably right, he will find it stressful because it's an organisational task he's got away scot free on until now, but it doesn't require ovaries to perform it, just practice, so he might as well start now!

Understand that his boss has already been clear they won't offer compressed hours - that's more common & not unreasonable. If a role has work coming in evenly over 5 days & specific turnaround times, it's not fair on the team if one person isn't in 20% of the week. Depends entirely on job and is a genuine 'needs of the role' reason for refusal in many cases.

But it seems much less likely a request for flex hours to either start at 9.15 or leave at 4.45 on his 2 office days would be refused- it might be unusual for his boss, but DH should at least ask!

Is there an option for him to take Friday as annual leave on a Friday for 3 of the 6 months. Obviously it wouldn't leave enough for a family holiday together this year - but that might be part of the 'doing everything he can' to help you establish in your new role & get settled in. Maybe Friday in childcare over summer holidays while there are more options available for 6 of the weeks?

You've just secured a new job, presumably for £X amount more salary.

If his choices are 'the boss will look poorly on me, but approve the request' or 'lets just fork out £4k a year for Friday childcare', I think the first option is head & shoulders above the second one! Unless there's an impending promotion for his worth £4k post tax in the bank on the immediate horizon?

Mum's wheedle and flog themselves to fit hours around other commitments. Even my DH's dinosaur boss adjusted to the diary block that DH WOULD be leaving the office at 4.50 2 days a week so the children weren't abandoned on the pavement outside club. These bosses who never had to lift a finger themselves for childcare CAN adapt to minor working hour tweaks at a push!

As a final warning though...if DC starts school in September, keep in mind you might BOTH need to have some flex/annual leave in hand until October half term, as lots of schools bugger around with mornings one week, afternoons another/finish before lunch/finish after lunch & who knows what other mucking about until kids are actually in full normal school hours, as part of 'settling in'. 🤞 for you all they are not one that strings it out for too long! But even my DC who had done 4 10 hour days in nursery for yonks found a 7 hour day in school harder, because they were being told EXACTLY what to do & where/when they were allowed to play or not in a different way from nursery. They really liked 'playing teacher' at home in that first term....mostly dishing out instructions & telling people where to sit/what would happen next 🤣 It's a big adjustment for them after nursery, which is mostly free-flow play.

Congratulations on the new job @Stuckbetweenarockandarock, you're doing really well & if Friday in childcare for 6 months is what keeps your back from breaking after all, don't beat yourself up about it, you're doing great! Flowers

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