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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for some of your best dating advice?

110 replies

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 10/01/2025 23:05

Following as I also need advice for when I get back in the dating game

I've decided I want to date like the sex and the City girls x

YourCrispyBalonz · 10/01/2025 23:07

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Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:08

@YourCrispyBalonz what are your thoughts on messaging before and between dates?

OP posts:
username299 · 10/01/2025 23:09

Have a clear idea of what you want and don't deviate from it.

For example if you are looking for a long term relationship, leading to marriage and children, then make it clear at the beginning.

Know what red flags to look out for:

Addiction
Crazy ex
Sexist
Disrespectful
Name calling
Flaky
Hot and cold
Sexually incompatible
Etc

Take it slowly and watch out for love bombing.

YourCrispyBalonz · 10/01/2025 23:10

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Foreverchangeable · 10/01/2025 23:25

I'm quite old now and not into dating, but I'd say.. No sex at first- pp have said date 3, I'd say date 7 (obviously if you just want a fling then go for it whenever).
(Btw, meet sooner rather than later if you actually want a relationship.)
See each other often - at least twice a week, probably more ( unless some real reason why not).
If he goes cold for more than a day or two or so, bin him and move on.
As I've said, I am not into the scene now though so maybe this advice isn't good!

notmyrealname101 · 10/01/2025 23:48

Google "burnt haystack method". You can follow the founder on Instagram @wordcasescenario. Good Luck op!

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 10/01/2025 23:54

For a first date, meet in a public place, don't give him your address to pick you up, tell a friend where you are going.

If the person is rude or obnoxious or you aren't enjoying yourself, you can leave. You don't need to be polite, you don't need to stay until the end, you don't need to agree to another date, you don't need to make up a fake excuse to leave. Just say " I'm going to call it a night. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care." and go.

Saphire123 · 10/01/2025 23:58

Stay sober, wait for sex, when you do, make sure he wears a condom.

Victoriawould24 · 11/01/2025 00:02

Someone that might align with your values and appears emotionally intelligent and empathetic (great dad, loves his rescue dog, cares about poverty and injustice and women’s rights etc) may not actually be a nice person and could have learnt all the right ways to hook you (and a million others) in.
Keep you wits about you and always always listen to your gut.
Don’t invest any hope or time in anyone until you have met them face to face.
Dont adjust your goal posts or needs to try and bend for someone else, convincing yourself it’s what you wanted all along, you have choices always and matter more than they do.

YourCrispyBalonz · 11/01/2025 00:05

This reply has been deleted

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Endofyear · 11/01/2025 00:07

Practice being friendly but a bit distant let them do the chasing. Don't be overly needy. Stick to soft drinks! Try and see dating as a chance to have a bit of fun and meet some nice guys - don't be to quick to think 'is he the one'? Instead go with 'he's nice, I'll just see where this goes'!

Have zero tolerance of anyone who messes you around, blows hot and cold or is flaky and unreliable. In my experience, men aren't complicated. If he's into you, he'll message, treat you well and turn up when he says he will!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 11/01/2025 00:09

First date isn’t really a date. (Think they call it Date zero on the dating threads) as it’s just to meet them and check whether you’d even like to go on a date. So short and sweet, a coffee, quick drink after work etc with an end time (I have to get back to work/home to make dinner/back to walk the dog etc).

Don’t put too much emphasis on chemistry/initial attraction. I’m not saying if you find them physically repulsive to arrange a date!

But if you think “that’s a decent guy, he’s interesting but I can’t see myself kissing him” give it another chance.

When I first met my DP I wasn’t sure if I fancied him, he was the total physical opposite of my ex, so I was convinced he wasn’t “my type” and even when we first kissed after maybe 4 dates I didn’t feel butterflies. However, once things progressed the attraction grew and I found him more and more handsome the more I got to know him. I’m probably not the type he’d go for on paper either, but he clearly fancies the pants off me now. Just be open minded to the possibilities.

Crushed23 · 11/01/2025 00:11

If a date is not arranged within 1 week of matching, sack it off.

Avoid endless messaging and meet in person ASAP to see if there's a connection.

Mysterian · 11/01/2025 00:11

It's not about just 'getting' somebody. It's about finding somebody who likes you for being you. Don't pretend to be what you think they're looking for in order to make them like you. You can't pretend forever.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 11/01/2025 00:13

If you have some good chats online move to real life asap. It’s easy to build up a false sense of intimacy by message and then when you meet, a) you’ve got nothing to talk about as you’ve already told them all about yourself and b) if they’re not what you were expecting, you have to almost get to know each other again from scratch as the person they are rather than the one you had in your head!

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/01/2025 00:20

Do you think there are men out there who want to just take a woman to a nice restaurant/out dancing on the first date?

feelingalittlehorse · 11/01/2025 00:37

Mine is a bit off piste to the others, but I’ve generally find that men who talk very badly of ex’s are bad news. Referring to an ex as a “psycho” is a big red flag in my book.

I’m sure someone will be along soon to tell me all about the decent blokes out there who do indeed have mad ex girlfriends…. but I just think it shows a genuine disrespect for someone you have previously been intimate with and 9/10 they were the problem.

Magamom · 11/01/2025 01:52

Find someone patient and kind. No sex til monogamy. Dont text too much; texting is for letting them know ur running late etc, not convos. Best of luck x

coxesorangepippin · 11/01/2025 02:00

If the person is rude or obnoxious or you aren't enjoying yourself, you can leave. You don't need to be polite, you don't need to stay until the end, you don't need to agree to another date, you don't need to make up a fake excuse to leave. Just say " I'm going to call it a night. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care." and go.

^

This. You owe these people nothing

BoxOfCats · 11/01/2025 02:09

Have high standards but low expectations. Think of it as a bit of fun or entertainment, don't take it too seriously.

Short and sweet for the first date. Daytime dates tend to come with less expectation.

RickiRaccoon · 11/01/2025 03:40

Just aim to meet some nice decent guys. Be open to different ages. My DH was physically not my type and also 'too young for me' so I didn't even consider him. We were friends through work and it just changed when I realised we got on quite a lot. And don't put up with bad behaviour or treating you badly.

Agix · 11/01/2025 04:15

Maintain what feels like super high standards. Like, sky high. The reality is most women's standards are really damn low because we've learned that's all we can expect - I finally put my foot down after previous relationship breakup and decided to keep really high standards (which actually now I realise we're just bloody reasonable) , even if it meant I never met anyone who reached them and was alone forever.

Lo and behold, I met my amazing fiance. I met and went on a few dates (or "talked") with a few duds before him, men I could have continued wasting time with but didn't due to my "ridiculous standards" ... Which left me free to find my fiance at all. I'd have missed him if I were caught up in some other loser. It's so easy to get caught up.

I agree with above poster, give people who arnt your usual type physically a chance. My fiance also didn't seem my usual type at first . One date in and it was the best date I'd ever had, got on like a house on fire. By fourth date, chemistry was insane.

Also agree with other poster, keep first date short and sweet, and casual. Somewhere in the day time or earlier evening. Had a soft drink in a pub just after work and before going home for dinner (alone, of course!) with mine. Did end up going on an unplanned walk after the drink though, as we were having such a lovely time... Still got home early enough that dinner wasn't too late!

"If he wanted to, he would" is very true. Repeat it to yourself often. Men are not helpless babies who simply don't know how to have relationships and need us to teach or fix them - they know exactly what they're doing, so if he's not treating you right, it's cus he doesn't care to.

Be strong if you know a guy is no good for you. Stand your ground and leave him be. Don't be swayed by chancers who only seem to up their game when they know you're done.

If you're wondering if a guy is genuinely interested in you, he isn't. Men will make it clear when they value you.

Don't confuse love bombing with valuing you.. This can be hard when you're caught up in a guy, but is possible to tell the difference if you remain vigilant. Love bombing can be gifts, future faking with extravagant promises, declarations of deep feeling early on and flowery poetic words. Genuine interest and value is just keeping to their word, not being late to meeting you and not randomly cancelling last minute (within reason, life and traffic happens!) , texting you back, being transparent and clear with no game playing. No game playing and transparency are big ones.

And apply that to yourself too. Don't play games yourself either! It's really not the way. No worrying how long you should leave it to text back etc, just text back when you naturally would. No testing a guy or anything like that. Don't do it and don't accept it if he does.

EBearhug · 11/01/2025 10:55

Never give up your usual activities (exercise classes, book club, whatever,) or friends for a date - they will all last longer than most dates, and anyone who isn't happy with you having your own life should be avoided.

Don't take it too seriously, and if it's getting you down, take a break.

While people say no sex on the first date, I do want to have sex early on, because sex is important to me, and I don't want to get emotionally invested in someone who turns out to be rubbish on bed. I think this can depend a bit on your personality and how you feel about sex. I'm not going for 6 dates without finding out if they're good in bed.

You will meet a lot who turn out to be arseholes. You will also meet quite a few who are perfectly lovely men, but there's just no chemistry in person. That's just part of dating - it's why you're dating, to see if dates are as good as they appear, if you get on okay in person - with some of them, you won't.

If something feels off, go with your gut instinct.

Enjoy the journey. The bad dates can make great anecdotes to entertain your friends with.

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 11:02

Thank you ALL!

I went on a date once with a lovely guy but he had only been divorced from his ex wife for less than a year and spent a lot of the time talking about her. I really enjoyed getting to know him but that made me a feel a bit uneasy… would you say talking about exes is the right thing to do on a date?

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