To ask for some of your best dating advice?

[Whereislove25]

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

@TerracottaWorrier yeah I just feel so sad tonight. I mean I barely knew the guy, but I felt like we had such a connection. Arghhh!

From my limited experience quite a while ago:
-meet in person asap, don't do extended messaging
-don't rule someone out on a photo alone, some people are much more attractive in real life due to mannerisms etc
-challenge people immediately if they do or say weird things

You are going to work on finding a real connection with someone who wants to date you as well as message you. 💖

Can you elaborate on the last point?

I usually make my excuses and end the date if someone is being weird. I don't often challenge them as I hate conflict, especially with a stranger.

Honestly I feel so depressed today by it all. I literally went on one date with the guy yet I just can’t stop thinking about it. I felt like we had chemistry and a connection, and I’ve still got my hopes up something might happen as he really wants to stay in touch. Argh, someone tell me to get a grip and move on!!!

anyone? 😔

I entered the dating game last year after a 6 year relationship and didn't really know where to start. I heard on here about the 'haystack' method, which seemed to work really well for me. I met someone relatively quickly and didn't get too much shit along the way. The basic idea is how do you find a needle in a haystack- you burn it to the ground.

I paid for a subscription to bumble - not a site the sends you 4 matches a day based on their profiles, and spend a dedicated amount of time sorting profiles. probably about an hour a day. Anything for me that I knew would be a 'no' in a relationship I didn't waste my time on. I know people say be open- but to me that's a time-waste- it may get you more dates, but they aren't going to go anywhere.

So for me men with kids, all no's; smokers, no; cat owners, no; rescheduled a first date, no.

It doesn't matter what your list is- but stick to it- there's thousands of people out there. Reduce the number of the dates, but play the long game

Are you short of friends? Are you lonely? Sounds like you want a bf and it might mess with your head to try do the friends thing . If he says he’s not ready he might string you along and drive you nuts. He sounds a bit emotionally vampirey to be honest

Every 5 minutes you spend messaging this guy is 5 minutes you could spend actually looking for someone you have a future with.

I'd go cold turkey on this one and move on. I'd also stick to coffee meets or a walk and coffee for first dates rather than drinks for first dates. Sometimes alcohol can heighten your emotions and create a memory of a sense of connection that isn't really there.

Thank you @ForRealCat. That’s good advice - and I am jealous you found someone quickly without too much hassle!

I think I just have a huge scarcity mindset that where if I find someone I get along with, there will be no one else out there. I’ve never really had a serious relationship either which gives me huge levels of self doubt.

Yes I found quickly, but I wasn't using the app's like my friends do- a few minutes here and there. I would schedule time in, and really shift a volume of men through😂

@Newstartplease24 yes you are so right. I already feel like it’s messing with my head. Just hate how I get so emotionally attached so quickly!

Don't get stuck in the prolonged texting phase.
Date more than one person, so you're not consumed/lovebombed by one person.
Delay sex.
Don't fall too fast.
Be prepared to walk away - mid-date, mid-text, whenever.

@Whereislove25 this is great advice .

And always start with this - Have a clear idea of what you want and don't deviate from it.

Don’t do it!

Get a pet.

But I want to share my life with someone!!

Seriously I was being flippant but there has been some excellent advice on this thread.

I would also add, leave at the first sign of a red flag.

You want to share your life with the right person, not the first one who comes along, so use the good advice here and remember that is ok to take time on/after a date to decide if he really is a man you will mean the world to, and not just be a meaningless shag for.

My biggest thing was meeting as soon as possible and never entertaining a whiff of sexting until after I’d decided to sleep with them - and never with photos even then.

One piece of advice I wish I had received decades ago: don’t try and front run the relationship.

If meet a guy, go on a date and just don’t feel any “spark” then rather than blowing him off because you don’t immediately fancy him but there are no concerns / red flags - ask yourself “would I be willing to spend another hour in this man’s company”.

That attraction can develop but it needs time. This method gives you that time. Seek compatibility over chemistry.

Consistency of actions and words over an extended period of time.

Also avoid low effort men. If he never wants to put himself out for you (dates must always be in his neighbourhood etc.) it’s because he is not that into you. Sack him off.

One of my best friends on the planet is a man I went on a few dates with.

We are not romantically compatible for dating but he is one of my closest confidantes and most trustworthy friends.

He has also given me great dating advice!

Know what you are looking for in a relationship and don't be afraid to say it from the start. Be proud, clear and unapologetic about your desires for the future, holding back just puts the other person in the driving seat eventually.

For me personally I had to learn how to walk away if something wasn't right for me. I settled in a lot of relationships and looking back the warning signs were there while we were dating and I ignore them thinking "he'll change for me when we're a couple". It wasn't until I became ruthless with my "this isn't right for me, I'm moving on" mentality that I met someone really right for me.

@JHound tbe problem is, is that I think I want more with this guy right now. If he started telling me about his dating life I’d be bothered!

So you have to walk away.