To ask for some of your best dating advice?

[Whereislove25]

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

I'm out of the dating game.

But one of my single friends who dates a lot says you should have a "That tells you everything question". It's a question that seems pretty innocuous, that can be a really good conversation starter, but which tells you a lot about someone and your compatibility.

It shouldn't be overtly political but it can be something that could give you some hints as to political persuasion or leanings.

For her its "Do you go to festivals?" 😂😂😂
Or "Have you ever tried Crypto trading?" 😂😂😂

I love this and I'm trying to be the same.

I still have 'but he was nice and now I have no one to date' doubts every time I end things with a guy I'm dating. But I have to remember that I need to be ruthless in keeping the not-quite-right guys out to be able to let the right guy in.

I know this sounds ridiculously silly. But I just can’t stop thinking about this guy. I felt like we just “clicked” and I miss his attention. I fear I am never going to be able to get married if I have this mindset. 😔

Yeah but OP it's only been a couple of days. Your brain is still in detox.

I am tempted to cave in and text him, but I know that won’t do me any favours

Maybe I should message him just to get it off my chest

Don't message him. Move on. He's made it clear it's not going to work so don't waste your time. Sorry OP. This is horrible. You will find someone who's perfect for you, so don't get distracted by someone who's not. Back to it! Meet up quickly! No sex too soon and move on if they don't commit! That way you will meet the right person sooner! (And you will!) All the best!

Block/delete/ move on!

Browse the sites for some more dates and keep things casual

Don’t approach each date as possible marriage material

Thank you, honestly wish I didn’t care so much or become emotionally attached so quickly. I am sure it’s not even about him, it’s about me.

Given you get attached easily and he knows you might like a bit to drink I'd be concerned that he's keeping you around for a dry spell, and if something were to happen when you've both had a few drinks then its not his fault because he's already warned you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Move on. Everytime your thinking about messaging him open a dating app and spend 5 minutes on that.

@ForRealCat yeah perhaps. I don’t know why but I just can’t forget this guy. It’s making me frustrated and upset at the same time 😣

OP, do you find that you're generally an anxious person?

Sunk Cost Fallacy - just because you’ve invested emotionally in something don’t be reluctant to walk away/ stay a bit longer when it is clear ending a relationship is the better decision- this is how you waste years of your life.

@TerracottaWorrier yes, very!

Right then, OP. So you know really it's not him. It's your anxiety and obsessive thinking. I'm not really one to talk but some CBT or mindfulness practice might help you sort through your thoughts a bit. Sympathy. My brain does this too. It's incredibly unhelpful.

I usually like to have a couple of chats on the phone first. Be REALLY switched on to what he's saying - red flags are:

• talking about himself for the whole call.
• not showing any interest in you.
• things he says don't add up.
• criticising previous partners/dates.
• moaning about women, in general.
• Anything sexual.
• Showing no awareness of safety issues for women
• Avoiding giving information on stuff like where he lives/previous relationships
• Phrases such as 'I don't take life too seriously'
• If you need someone caring, maybe chuck a little issue into the conversation (e.g that you have had a tough day) and see how he reacts.
• Spending the WHOLE phone call talking about his work problems and how he'll be taking his employer to an industrial tribunal 😂

Listen to the "ask a matchmaker " podcast. She would definitely approve of the advice given on this thread and would tell you never to contact this guy who wants to be friends again.

She has some great advice about how to present yourself online and how to weed out the time wasters and find someone you are compatible with.

One of my favourite pieces of advice she gives is to ask hypotheticals to get an idea of someone's values. So ask them "what would you do if you won the lottery" to get an idea of their financial and family values and to see if they align with your own.

So I went on a really good date last night to try and move on from previous man. We said we would do something else, lots of affection etc. Yet haven’t heard anything from him today. Is this not looking great or do I just need to chill out?

Chill out, it's only been a few hours! If you've not heard anything in a couple of days text him and ask of he fancies a drink.

In the meantime check out other available men!

Maybe he's just busy with work and stuff.

I started dating again last year after a divorce, as a single mum. I found it very freeing, so different to my anxiety when I was in my 20s. The below assumes you are looking to date men, apologies if that is incorrect.

Firstly, don’t take anything personally. If someone doesn’t text back or is giving you one word answers, move on. If someone isn’t invested enough to give you a text back from the start, you don’t need that energy. No need to write them an essay, block delete move on.

which brings me to my second reco - follow Lalalaletmeexlain on insta if you don’t already and buy her book block delete move on. Game changer, so helpful for navigating modern dating. Not about playing games or “attracting” men. Just knowing your boundaries, knowing your worth and not being taken in by red flags and f boys. Stay safe, protect your peace.

Lastly, as Cher said - “I think men are the coolest, but I don’t think you need them to live.” Approach dating with curiosity and a sense of adventure, like you would a hobby. Take a break if it’s a bit much. I have met some brilliant men, a couple of “interesting” ones, but for the most part I’ve had a blast. Good luck x

Also, research limerence. It was the most freeing revelation ever to understand that my obsessions with some frankly mediocre men have been as a result of my own hyperfixations and limerent tendencies, which I can’t control. Knowing about limerence is SUCH a game changer.

Thank you @graygoose - some great advice!

I’ve still heard nothing from him urgh! I don’t know whether to text him tonight, or tomorrow, or not at all and let him message me? It’s driving me mad!

Decided to text him. I know in my gut he’s pulling away. Honestly I’ve had so many first dates which I think have gone well and they end up like this, what am I doing wrong 😭

The best thing I ever read when I was dating - if he likes you, you'll know.

There will be no messing about or wondering about anything. They will communicate clearly and arrange dates and follow through with what they say. Don't take any shit and know your worth.

My now fiancé and father of my child was like this. It was a completely different feeling and you'll know when you feel it.