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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for some of your best dating advice?

110 replies

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

OP posts:
Whereislove25 · 24/01/2025 18:58

@SureLook yes a few people have told me that. I honestly don’t know if I am ever going to meet that person though. Like maybe I am having a good time and they’re not?

OP posts:
Whereislove25 · 24/01/2025 19:01

Is it bad that I messaged first? I’ve got friends telling me you’ve got nothing to lose and others saying you need to let him come to you.

OP posts:
SureLook · 24/01/2025 19:03

And that's fine if you're enjoying it and they're not. And vice versa. I can't really describe it other than that. You'll just know. I think cause of how hard dating is in this day and age when people meet someone they like they make it completely clear so they don't lose them. If you like someone make it clear. If they don't feel the same way, chalk it up and move on. At least you'll never wonder what if.

WitcheryDivine · 24/01/2025 19:17

It’s not a competition where you are trying to win a date - it’s about two people trying to meet each other. Set the same standards for a date as you’d expect to live up to yourself.

And for you OP please listen to what your dates are saying. The last guy was literally saying he didn’t want to date you and you’re asking should you hang about in case he changes his mind. Um, no!! I’m not sure who told you in your life that you should hang around and wait for scraps but that’s not the life you want for yourself honestly.

WitcheryDivine · 24/01/2025 19:18

Whereislove25 · 24/01/2025 19:01

Is it bad that I messaged first? I’ve got friends telling me you’ve got nothing to lose and others saying you need to let him come to you.

No it’s not bad, literally nothing to lose. If he was your future partner do you really think he’d change his mind because you messaged him once???

DancinOnTheCeiling · 24/01/2025 20:33

OP, I am going to be brutally honest. You come across as very needy, and I think men can sense it. I can sense it, the neediness is oozing from your messages. I know I sound so harsh but you asked for advice, and I can feel it in you because I used to be like it too. I used to be over invested quickly, I used do accept breadcrumbs, I had poor boundaries, I'd put men on a pedestal after hardly knowing them etc etc etc. Neediness is very off putting (this works the other way around too by the way, needy men are off putting too).

You need to figure out what the neediness is about but I think the first step is to figure out what you actually want. What kind of man are you looking for ie what are his qualities, values etc. Your posts sound like you're not quite sure what you actually want, and any man who gives you a bit of attention is put on a pedestal and you start desperately waiting for him to get in touch/to want more, when realistically you don't know anything about this man. And honestly did you even enjoy their company that much or is like a PP said a sort of limerence type obsessiveness, and is it actually about these particular men or more about your neediness to be with any man? (Not any man but you know what I mean I think).

Once you've figured out what you want from a man, only date men who fit your criteria. I am not talking about ridiculous unrealistic things like he has to have a certain nose, height, hair, specific job etc but things like he has to be emotionally available, be into me and show it, be kind, treat me well, be consistent, be ambitious, be in a caring profession or whatever it is that is important to you. So when you actually meet someone and their actions don't go with what you're looking for, move on. So someone like that guy who only wanted to be friends would probably be binned instantly (instead of you accepting crap from him) because you'd have realised 'wait a minute, his actions are crap, he's stringing me along or probably keeping me keen while waiting for someone better to come along, and that's not good enough for me'...

I have lots more thoughts and advice but feel like I'm being a bit cruel/too brutally honest. So before I say more, please let me know whether you find this brutally honest advice helpful at all. Do you know what you are looking for in a man? Is this something you've thought about before or could start thinking about?

cherish123 · 24/01/2025 20:44

I haven't been on a date for over 20 years but I would not go on a blind date. I'd have to meet them first before I went on a date. I definitely wouldn't do online dating or lonely hearts adds. My friend does online dating and it's all a bit contrived and they are never suitable.

TerracottaWorrier · 24/01/2025 22:51

SureLook · 24/01/2025 18:47

The best thing I ever read when I was dating - if he likes you, you'll know.

There will be no messing about or wondering about anything. They will communicate clearly and arrange dates and follow through with what they say. Don't take any shit and know your worth.

My now fiancé and father of my child was like this. It was a completely different feeling and you'll know when you feel it.

People who love bomb also let you know they like you, though. It's not a failsafe rule. There's a whole load of other shit to look out for too.

JHound · 28/05/2025 10:33

TerracottaWorrier · 24/01/2025 22:51

People who love bomb also let you know they like you, though. It's not a failsafe rule. There's a whole load of other shit to look out for too.

Definitely not a failsafe but a good rule. So many women try and “interpret” what a man’s actions mean. If he likes you, you will know!

DontTouchRoach · 28/05/2025 12:03

My dating advice:

Don't play games. If you like someone, be upfront, message them and say 'I had a good time on our date. Wondering if you'd like to meet up again?' No need to 'play hard to get'. If they say no, it wasn't the fact that you messaged them that made them say no.

Don't sit there fretting and over-analysing and looking for the significance in every little thing. It's almost certainly not that deep.

If someone says they don't want anything serious - they really don't want anything serious. If you do want something serious, don't date them hoping they'll change their minds. They won't.

Remember that you can dump someone for any reason you want. So, so often on here you see women saying 'I've been on some dates with this guy and he seems nice but he [does something or other] and I find it really offputting, AIBU if I don't see him again?' The answer, regardless of how trivial the issue is, should always be YANBU. If it's not working for you, it's not working. And that's fine.

Date someone because you want that specific person. Don't date someone because you just want a boyfriend. It's incredible how many women are in relationships with men they barely even like, simply because they don't want to be single. Don't be one of those women.

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