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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for some of your best dating advice?

110 replies

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 11/01/2025 11:14

This is for a bit further on, but check out his mates carefully. You can tell a lot about a man from the company he keeps.

JMSA · 11/01/2025 11:19

This old adage could have been written for the online dating world. You must always bear it in mind.

Actions speak louder than words

JMSA · 11/01/2025 11:21

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 11:02

Thank you ALL!

I went on a date once with a lovely guy but he had only been divorced from his ex wife for less than a year and spent a lot of the time talking about her. I really enjoyed getting to know him but that made me a feel a bit uneasy… would you say talking about exes is the right thing to do on a date?

No, talking about exes is NOT the right thing to do on a date.

Happyinarcon · 11/01/2025 11:28

think of it as a numbers game. Arrange a midday coffee date very quickly, don’t waste time exchanging messages only to find you don’t like them face to face.
Within reason, agree to have coffee even if you don’t like their photo. Try to organize at least 2 coffee dates per week so you don’t end up over thinking each date. Respond to messages with a couple of hours but avoid initiating them. Don’t be available for last minute dates

EBearhug · 11/01/2025 11:42

It depends on the talk about exes. I had a date where he kept talking about his girlfriend who had died of cancer (I afterwards suggested that he needed to take more time to get over his grief,) and also, all the terrible dates he'd been on, which I did not point out had one common factor, and it wasn't the women, though I didn't point this out...

I don't initiate these discussions on a date, but it's quite common to talk about how you're finding the dating app - men and women tend to have quite different experiences, as men will swipe on loads, and women are much more picky. I tend to be quite vague, "I've had a few dates, met some nice guys, but they haven't worked out for whatever reason," because obviously no one wants to hear, "You're not as good as this guy I met last month, but he didn't want me, so here I am..." nor, "you're the only one I matched with, so I thought desperate as i am..."

I'm in my 50s, so it does sometimes come up, were you ever married, do you have kids? Most people will have had past relationships by this age, and if there's no history, that would seem odd. I would expect them to speak respectfully about any ex. Talk of psycho exes or how they were totally shafted in the divorce is a red flag. If they have children, I would want to know they're involved and in touch with them. By our age, the children may be adults but I would still expect them to have contact.

I am still in contact with, and on good terms with, some exes - they're just friends these days, and conversation is usually about work/parents/ children, it's just we happened to sleep together once. Anyone who isn't okay with that isn't for me, though I'd probably just talk about them as a friend initially, so they wouldn't know. Some people aren't comfortable with those who stay in touch (unless it's out of necessity because of shared children,) which is also okay, but not me. OTOH, if they'd just broken up 2 months ago, and were texting, "I miss you," that would be an issue.

In most cases, it's clear if they're still hung up on an ex, or were the reason for the break-up, and that's all useful to know. I think it's natural for there to be interest in people's past to some extent and it can tell you a lot about what they're like when they talk about it. If it's something they are too focussed on, don't show respect for those past partners, it's a reason to avoid them.

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 11:58

So I didn’t put this in the original post but I recently went on a date with a guy and he was lovely and kind and we get on so well. We messaged a LOT before we met up too. Ended up getting really drunk and emotional with him on the date. Anyway to cut the story short he basically said he wasn’t ready yet to date and to be honest neither am I. However because we got on well we talked about staying in touch as friends and I really don’t know what to do. He’s so sweet so from that perspective I’d like to but I don’t want to get myself attached and live on false hope 😔

OP posts:
To4rb · 11/01/2025 12:01

Hello OP! I have made a thread on the relationships board about a book called The Rules and there has been some wonderful advice there x

To4rb · 11/01/2025 12:03

username299 · 10/01/2025 23:09

Have a clear idea of what you want and don't deviate from it.

For example if you are looking for a long term relationship, leading to marriage and children, then make it clear at the beginning.

Know what red flags to look out for:

Addiction
Crazy ex
Sexist
Disrespectful
Name calling
Flaky
Hot and cold
Sexually incompatible
Etc

Take it slowly and watch out for love bombing.

This is brilliant advice.

I speak from experience... i have been love-bombed and it is so easy to let it happen if you've had bad experiences in the past.

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 12:25

Thanks @To4rb!

Anyone have any thoughts re being friends after one date with someone you really click with?

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2025 12:32

I've done quite a bit of dating, id want to date a guy that seems genuinely interested in getting to know me not just sexually. Ideally I rather message for a few days first, with regular messages but not constantly (love bomber alert) or a boring once a week type texter - not that into you/ just want casual dating.
A brief chat about exes fine, and this can give you more insight about them, are they overly negative, crazy ex, talk too much about them (yawn)
Did he walk out on her with young children or did she just chuck him out and he doesn't know why apparently..

I have no interest in making friends with ex dates, as normally one like the other more hoping it will lead to more, I also avoid men that still see friends they've made on dating apps, I wouldn't trust them an inch.

Smokesandeats · 11/01/2025 13:21

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 11:58

So I didn’t put this in the original post but I recently went on a date with a guy and he was lovely and kind and we get on so well. We messaged a LOT before we met up too. Ended up getting really drunk and emotional with him on the date. Anyway to cut the story short he basically said he wasn’t ready yet to date and to be honest neither am I. However because we got on well we talked about staying in touch as friends and I really don’t know what to do. He’s so sweet so from that perspective I’d like to but I don’t want to get myself attached and live on false hope 😔

Listen to what he’s saying. He isn’t ready to date or maybe it was a polite way of saying he isn’t into you. Don’t waste any further time on him and look for someone else.

How are you working on your self esteem? Have you had any therapy? I saw a counsellor after a bad break up and found it really helpful.

JMSA · 11/01/2025 18:14

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 11:58

So I didn’t put this in the original post but I recently went on a date with a guy and he was lovely and kind and we get on so well. We messaged a LOT before we met up too. Ended up getting really drunk and emotional with him on the date. Anyway to cut the story short he basically said he wasn’t ready yet to date and to be honest neither am I. However because we got on well we talked about staying in touch as friends and I really don’t know what to do. He’s so sweet so from that perspective I’d like to but I don’t want to get myself attached and live on false hope 😔

I'm really sorry, but if a guy got super drunk and emotional on a first date with me, it would freak me out and there's no way I'd see him again.
I don't think you're ready Flowers

Jenni102 · 11/01/2025 18:16

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

Talking to the guy, being respectful of both yours and his boundaries and having sexual boundaries is important. It's good to get to know someone before you sleep with them, this is usually how relationships can last longer as well as the fact that sleeping with a stranger is actually dangerous as you dont know who they are. Getting to know them for a few months until you start to feel love is good. It's nice to go out to places that you both like to go to aswell and if he puts efforts into your dates (and you do too at times) I think thats nice and romantic too.

Also, I just used to ask men out if I liked them at times, I think many men appreciate that too.

Jenni102 · 11/01/2025 18:19

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 12:25

Thanks @To4rb!

Anyone have any thoughts re being friends after one date with someone you really click with?

I think it can work but can be difficult to keep healthy boundaries and not getting close physically just for the sake of it if youre attracted to each other. Maybe taking the friendship slow could work.

Whereislove25 · 12/01/2025 19:50

I am messaging this guy who I went on a date with and he seems very open to being friends which, I would like as well because we really got on. BUT I really fancy him and I think I want more so I should walk away now shouldn’t I? We’re messaging a lot still and it’s really confusing me 😔

OP posts:
HumanBurrito · 12/01/2025 20:12

My top advice is go for the unusually short men on the apps. Much less competition.

Brinkley22 · 12/01/2025 20:27

Whereislove25 · 12/01/2025 19:50

I am messaging this guy who I went on a date with and he seems very open to being friends which, I would like as well because we really got on. BUT I really fancy him and I think I want more so I should walk away now shouldn’t I? We’re messaging a lot still and it’s really confusing me 😔

I’ve had this… you’ll live in hope; he’ll enjoy the attention and string you along. This situation will stop you meeting someone else who is actually interested. I’d tell my younger self to ghost him!!

HappyPanda613 · 12/01/2025 20:29

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

Don’t bother with online dating, it’s a cesspit. Get yourself a nice holiday to somewhere sunny like Turkey or Morocco and find yourself a saucy holiday romance with one of the locals. Worst case scenario, you’ll have an amazing spicy fling that will get all the girlies jealous, or best case, you’ll meet your future soulmate.

The world is really your oyster x

Whereislove25 · 12/01/2025 21:46

@Brinkley22 yes it didn’t occur to me he could be using me for the attention. I am going to tell him I can’t be friends.

OP posts:
Jk987 · 13/01/2025 01:28

Keep your options open by talking to and going on dates with a few people at once.

That way you don't invest in one person too soon. You have that air of confidence and if it doesn't work out with one person you're not left high and dry.

Have a fling with someone unsuitable to get back in the game.

Don't take things personally in the early days. If they stop messaging its not because you're flawed or unattractive, it's something to do with their situation.

TerracottaWorrier · 13/01/2025 01:46

Whereislove25 · 12/01/2025 21:46

@Brinkley22 yes it didn’t occur to me he could be using me for the attention. I am going to tell him I can’t be friends.

Don't tell him. Either he'll talk you round or say something that batters your fragile self esteem even more. Just stop responding.

I wish I'd understood about love bombing sooner. It appears in my experience with guys telling me I'm incredibly beautiful, insanely sexy, so intelligent. The first guy who gushed over me like this, I fell head over heels with, and got the full narcissistic nightmare complete with gaslighting and a stolen passport.

I was talking to a guy last week who started the same script and I told him to cut it out and started being more skeptical of him. I noticed quickly that while he said all this shit about me and my work (I write and make art), he wasn't actually engaging with anything specific in what I have made. It made me think that my passport-stealing ex talked the same game, expressed wonderment at my writing, but never actually mentioned a single tiny thing from anything I've published. I wonder now if he even read it. Probably not, since he was so jealous and I write about sex. Look for this to see if it's love bombing. If they think you're so brilliant they should be able to express this is far less general statements.

Don't give any specifics about your trauma. If you fall in love you can tell them later. Tell a therapist if you still need to talk about stuff. Never a guy you've just started dating. You make yourself too vulnerable/seem like a mad person.

Finally, one I'm still not good at, don't get into endless texting before you've met. Be a little bit unobtainable. Don't let them become part of your daily life or a crutch through constant messaging. I suspect you've done this with the guy you need to cut off. I feel for you. It's really easy to get sucked into long chats that feel great and when it goes you're going to feel empty and lonely.

ZippyCat · 13/01/2025 01:58

Take things slowly
No sex on the first date this is something I did however that was 8 years ago and we are still together and very much happy still but wouldn't do that again

Don't get to drunk during dates you need to be aware and see how you actually get on

See if you feel any connection with them etc obviously over time

Don't get to involved it might not work out then your just left upset or hurt

I would agree with a previous comment on here and go have a fling with someone first just to get you back into it and help you feel more confident

Whereislove25 · 13/01/2025 15:47

@TerracottaWorrier Don't give any specifics about your trauma. If you fall in love you can tell them later. Tell a therapist if you still need to talk about stuff. Never a guy you've just started dating. You make yourself too vulnerable/seem like a mad person.

Finally, one I'm still not good at, don't get into endless texting before you've met. Be a little bit unobtainable. Don't let them become part of your daily life or a crutch through constant messaging. I suspect you've done this with the guy you need to cut off. I feel for you. It's really easy to get sucked into long chats that feel great and when it goes you're going to feel empty and lonely.

Honestly, you could not have summed me up better. First day we are not messaging and honestly I miss the attention from him. It sounds silly, and I know I'll get used to it, but it made me feel good.

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 13/01/2025 15:50

Have no expectations

Have boundaries of steel and stick to them

Look on dating as fun, and some outings rather than as quest for “The One”

Meet quickly after chatting so you don’t over invest

TerracottaWorrier · 13/01/2025 16:33

Whereislove25 · 13/01/2025 15:47

@TerracottaWorrier Don't give any specifics about your trauma. If you fall in love you can tell them later. Tell a therapist if you still need to talk about stuff. Never a guy you've just started dating. You make yourself too vulnerable/seem like a mad person.

Finally, one I'm still not good at, don't get into endless texting before you've met. Be a little bit unobtainable. Don't let them become part of your daily life or a crutch through constant messaging. I suspect you've done this with the guy you need to cut off. I feel for you. It's really easy to get sucked into long chats that feel great and when it goes you're going to feel empty and lonely.

Honestly, you could not have summed me up better. First day we are not messaging and honestly I miss the attention from him. It sounds silly, and I know I'll get used to it, but it made me feel good.

It's not silly at all. You're lonely. I'm lonely too. I made exactly this mistake last week and I'm still reeling from it. Hugs for you. 💖